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Original poster

Asking if someone's pregnant when they're not

77 replies

rebeccacraig0001 · 07/01/2013 09:47

Not sure if this is the right place for this thread?? My question is : how sure must you be before you ask if someone is pregnant? Do you think some people ask as a kind of sideways bitchy remark that basically is a way of saying you're fat without having to say it? I've had a few people ask recently, one particular person at my husbands Xmas do who knows I have just had a baby (because her words were "Rebecca, you were pregnant LAST year, did you not learn your lesson") and it's really starting to get me down, especially as I have lost 2 stone and am back in my pre-baby jeans. Clearly I still look pregnant then....
Have you ever asked someone without them being pregnant? How did you react when they said they're not? Or what smart things can I say back, when what I really want to do is cry??

OP posts:
TotallyEggFlipped · 07/01/2013 13:33

I'd just started a new job and one of my bosses asked if I was 'with child' the first time I met her. I was Shock and mumbled that i was, but not announcing it yet. I was pretty skinny & wearing a uniform that totally hid everything. So in certain it was to do with me looking queasy rather than a belly. I think some people have a really good pregnancy-dar and it's nothing to do with seeing a bump.

TotallyEggFlipped · 07/01/2013 13:33

Still totally rude to ask though.

Egusta · 07/01/2013 13:34

Oh Horatia I am so sorry. Thanks

Last time I had someone ask when I was due I replied '2 and a half years ago'. and confused them. Then went home and cried. i do look very pg though. I have always had a wobbly tummy, even before babies.

Mu1berryBush · 07/01/2013 13:35

Until recently I could say I'd never asked a woman if she was pregnant and been wrong, but unfortunately I said congratulations ot a woman I was certain must have been about 20 weeks. But she had been very, very slim (size 8) and she'd just stopped working at it because she had a health issue (don't know what). I was so embarrassed. There aren't words. She ended up trying to make me feel better.

happynewmind · 07/01/2013 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTwinks · 07/01/2013 13:50

Horatia, i had similar from my boss. I've had more than one early MC and the last time around not only was she constantly asking me my plans for a family, but I discovered she had told everyone I work with that I was sure to be leaving for maternity leave soon. She is unaware we are even TTC let alone the rest. SO inappropriate and never a concern that it might be totally the wrong thing to say to some people. Last time I went to my brothers I clocked my SIL looked bigger and even clocked her maternity notes but I still waited until she told us to say anything

On the funnier side many years ago I went into a chinese herbal medicine shop to ask for some ginger stuff as i get terrible motion sickness. trying to explain to the poor old man I was just fat not pregnant when english wasn't his first language was funny.

ArkadyRose · 07/01/2013 14:10

One day whilst waiting to pick up DD3 from nursery, one of the other mothers actually patted my tummy and said "when's it due?"

I stared pointedly at her (rather large) stomach and said icily "About the same time as yours, I'd imagine." She wasn't a small woman. She went very red - especially as all the other mothers present were sniggering at her.

She turned red every time she saw me after that.

AllDirections · 07/01/2013 14:19

I get asked all the time, actually I don't always get asked, people just assume that I AM pregnant, like the little old lady in the bank who tried to give me her seat Shock

People are always more embarrassed than I am and I do try to make them feel better because I do look pregnant. I'm tall and slim and any weight goes on my tummy. I have to be under the minimum recommended weight for my heoght before I don't look pregnant any more.

Bluestocking · 07/01/2013 14:28

I'm so sorry, Horatia.
Totally, I think you're right - my mum has fantastic preg-dar - she was a teacher and could always tell when one of her female colleagues was pregnant - but she never, never said anything to them. She used to come home and say "I'm sure Julie (or whoever) is pregnant" to us though. But not until we were plenty old enough to know better than to repeat this.

TheBigJessie · 07/01/2013 15:12

Horatia I'm really sorry, for what a meaningless person on t'internet's opinion is worth.

For those of us who are just a bit erm, plump: "No, I'm just fat" in a cheery voice really works. Try it. Seriously.

TotallyEggFlipped · 07/01/2013 19:41

Blue - my mum's the same! Both times she's told me I was pregnant before I had a clue and she's told me she thought my friend were pregnant after she's seen them for 10 minutes and she's been right every time! She'd never ask anyone outright (except me, who she had to pester to POAS for two weeks - twice!).

sherazade · 07/01/2013 19:51

I think it's rude to ask and as a rule never ask.
but.. a few weeks ago I met up with some old friends for dinner and one brought her sister with her who I used ot know a while ago. She looked massive but had very loose clothing on, looked about 8 months pregnant to me but then you never know , I really didn't want to ask just in case she wasn't and had gained 2 stone in the stomach area! Anyway she eventually started talking about her pregnancy and I said 'oh you're pregnant? congratulations!', to which she replied, in a very annoyed manner ' thought you were never going to ask' to which I replied that I dont usually ask people if they're pregnant and she retorted ' so you thought this was all fat then, charming!'. there's no pleasing people Hmm

HavingALittleFaithBaby · 07/01/2013 20:25

:( Horatio, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yanbu OP! I got asked in April. It was mortifying for two reasons - one, I wasn't pregnant. Two, we had been TTC for over two years and I desparately wanted to be pregnant. I'd been off sick for a while including a spell in hospital on the gynae ward (only because that was where there was a bed). In addition I gained a stone having gone from running and eating well to being in lots of pain and mostly on the sofa for 6 weeks!
Busy body colleague asked me outright if I was having a baby. Course I Blush to my roots so I felt like I'd denied it too much! But seriously, either I wasn't pregnant, I was pregnant and I didn't want to broadcast it so early, I'd had a miscarriage. Actually it still riles me now! And I am pregnant! But I've only been asked since I moved into maternity uniforms at work. Now that's made it fairly obvious! :)

Nope, never safe to ask!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/01/2013 20:25

The only time I've had a cleavage was when pregnant and first time round, I was talking to a friend and could see her eyes go up and down and she said curiously,
"Donkeys anything you want to tell us?"

It could be Rebecca that you are simply glowing with health + wellbeing and people are mistaking that for a pregnant glow, rather than commenting on your body.

If it is someone you barely know asking you, a Paddington Bear hard stare and curt "No" will suffice. Likewise if it's someone that you see frequently who you suspect is making a dig at your size or shape. It's such a personal thing to ask and you can probably tell from their tone or expression if it's prompted by genuine warmth.

If it's a friend or colleague and they seem to be asking out of genuine interest or concern, just say, "No I'm not" without tensing or giving them a death glare. If you can manage to smile or laugh it off, even better.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/01/2013 20:27

PS Horatia, so sorry.

Original poster
rebeccacraig0001 · 07/01/2013 21:51

Thanks mumsnetters, can always rely on you to make me feel better! I now have til next year to think of my witty (and ever so slightly snidey perhaps?) comment back to said woman. I can't ask her the same thing because she is far beyond child bearing years and skinny as a rake....actually, I'm too nice dor that anyway! Maybe by next year I'll just be skinny again.......!

OP posts:
legoballoon · 07/01/2013 22:00

The person at your husband's Xmas do sounds perfectly horrible.

I did make the mistake of asking someone if they were pregnant when I was a niave and callow youth. Never again. (The person in question replied that her baby was 10 years old! A ground-open-up-and-swallow-me moment).

Since then I have acquired my own wobbly tummy and have been congratulated once at a birthday party, when I was very unpregnant but wearing an empire line frock, and once at a funeral, in a tunic top, where an elderly relative pumped my hand energetically and congratulated me on my growing family!!

In the first case I just said I wasn't pregnant, just a bit wobbly, and the woman in question looked horrified at her faux pas. In the second case I smiled vaguely and ignored it.

Clearly it would be lovely to have a washboard stomach, but for me, life's too short to do sit-ups. In the meantime I have bought some very old fashioned looking pants :)

Hassled · 07/01/2013 22:05

I've been asked twice if I was pregnant when I wasn't and both times I just wanted to curl up and die. As a result, I make no pregnancy comments unless I can see that the belly button has done that sticky out thing. I have to be that sure.

The only plus-side of getting old is that people realise you just have a hell of a tummy and couldn't possibly still be fertile.

jamdonut · 07/01/2013 22:12

Children at school ask me if I'm having a baby (Have a very large tummy Blush)and I always say no, I'm just fat. They usually laugh because I said I was fat. Somehow that amuses young children Confused

carabos · 07/01/2013 22:52

I was once accused of being pregnant by a friend of a friend who at the time was desperately ttc (which I didn't know as we had just met).

I was neither fat nor pregnant, but she was a bit ttc crazy and assumed everyone but her was pregnant, about to be pregnant or recently delivered. It was quite bizarre.

There were three of us in the room, her, me and a mutual friend. Within about 10 mins of being introduced she gazed crazily at me and said she knew someone in the room was pregnant, she had a sixth sense about these things blah blah. She went on and on and on. I told her I wasn't but she wouldn't have it. Sad really.

Hobbitation · 07/01/2013 23:11

I was about 6 months pregnant with DD2 at a wedding and was chatting with a lady I hadn't met before. DH was chatting to an old acquaintance who had never met me and must have been saying that we were expecting a second child. Acquaintance waltzed up towards us, turned to the lady and said "I hear congratulations are in order."

She took it in very good part but I felt mortified for her.

Schooldidi · 07/01/2013 23:15

I was asked a couple of weeks after a miscarriage. I burst into tears and ran away :(. It was a colleague as well so it caused a bit of tension in the staff room for a while.

TWinklyLittleStar · 07/01/2013 23:19

Since I started suffering from gallstones, my stomach occasionally bloats up massively (even now that I've had my gallbladder out).

It's happened today, because of work stress, and nobody has asked but it's been quite funny seeing them all clock my 'bump' and try to work it out :) My 'bump' is currently bigger than my actually pregnant colleague's! But everyone has been so polite it's unreal. wonder what they'll think when my belly shrinks during the week

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 23:58

My neighbour - who I don't know very well at all - asked me a few weeks ago. I am not now nor have I ever been pregnant! Was mortified. We've never really got on but she's been super nice to me since then, think she still feels embarrassed!

ZillionChocolate · 08/01/2013 08:49

Sorry Horatia.

I think it's rude to ask people whether they are pregnant, or when they are going to be. Very personal issues which can be upsetting. MYOB!