To not feel rich even though husband earns £250k a year

[whoovian]

I don't feel rich - I scarcely feel comfortable on this level of income.

Why is that - I grew up in a very poor family (not enough food at times type of poor) so I know what poverty feels like.

We are not extravagent spenders - we have one 1 week european holiday a year, no savings however we do have 4 children in private school(!) and live in London.

I feel unreasonable when I consider how little income others survive on but what do you think?

OP - you haven't said anything about pensions, health insurance, and anything else that comes off salary before you see it. Perhaps part of the problem, and the reason you have no savings is that you have never sat down and done a budget. Maybe what seems like disposable income actually isn't - I would expect that a chunk of your DH's salary goes on pension costs?

Your post hasn't pissed me off and I have No Money.

We did have money once (not as much as you but more than enough) and we didn't feel particularly rich because we had accumulated debts and the like that ate it up.

We now have far less but also zero debt, am hoping the next stage is zero debt and a decent income!

I think I am lucky to live somewhere that has decent schools and no need for private, I know my sister is using private now and I can't say I blame her- or envy her- you have to do what's best for your children that you can afford. You CAN afford private but you won't get by without a significant drop in disposable cash, obviously. £42k is more than enough though.

As for tax- don't begrudge a penny of what we spend, not keen on how this lot spend it in terms of policy but know that the UK would be a far worse place without it. Just rather see it go on disability than wars is all.

I can see where the OP is coming from though. I grew up in real poverty and even though we're ok now I still fear having no money. But at the same time I'm paralysed by having no concept of saving. My mum was always in debt and ran from one bill to the next so I don't have a background of planning or saving. It's one reason I agree with the suggestion of teaching budgeting in schools.

So maybe the OPs background means she will never feel safe with money? And as others have suggested some counselling may help.

85 k for education??? Well, you are bloody rich.

What are you complaining about here? I did not tell you to have 4 kids. I did not tell you to send them private.... I really cannot understand the reason for your post.

Is one or more of your children at boarding school or are they all at senior school? Otherwise the school fees seem a bit high even for 4 children. Prep would be around £12K and Senior £20K. On the other hand your mortgage is quite low for a decent size London house.

It might help if you take a step back and recognise that the ability to pay a mortage and school fees means you are rich enough to make choices that are not available to many people.

I think the timing of this thread on the day people are losing their child benefit is a bit

How terrible things are for you. You must really be struggling financially

YABVU. You should think yourself very lucky to have anywhere near that amount of money to live on. Not be sitting feeling sorry for yourself

I agree with the poster from a couple of pages back who questioned why 'feeling rich' had to be linked to the money you had left over each month. It's not that you should stop paying school feels so you can have more in the bank and 'feel rich'. If you (or rather your DH) thinks the fees are worth paying, then pay them and feel rich that you are able to do so. You don't sound like a shoes / handbags / ladies who lunch type so presumably school fees are as good a use of the income as anything. Unless there's something specific you wish to use it for, then just chalk your feelings up to childhood insecurity and accept the fact - this is what feeling rich (if not oligarch-style rich) feels like.

Also, you know what they say about how it doesn't matter where you squeeze the balloon, there is still the same air in it (or something)? Just because you are 'rich' doesn't mean all your worries and inner fears disappear, so of course you'll feel dissatisfied despite the apparent dream lifestyle. Human condition and all that.

Oh and I notice you didn't include your own earnings in that income sum, so maybe it's more than 42k left over after all. Phew!

So after your outgoings you still have 42k......and no savings!! For that alone YABU!

My income is 10 thousand a year. I have two children, I haven't had a holiday since I was a child, my children have never been on holiday they are 6 and 3, you are rich, rich beyond my wildest dreams get a
grip OP

Feeling rich is a state of mind and nothing to with numbers.

I feel extremely lucky that I have always felt well off even though our family income is nowhere near that level (35K total atm).

It is sad when people can't enjoy what they have but I don't know why one person feels rich on 25K a year and another feels poor on 250K a year and I certainly don't know how you can change your mindset such that you see yourself as rich.

OP, I think you're getting flamed unnecessarily - although not unsurprisingly. To me, you don't come across as if you'e moaning, rather musing.

Certainly it seems as if you feel that you should be feeling better off. And that's ok to feel like that, as long as you're able to realise that actually you are in a very fortunate position - certainly you are much wealthier than the vast majority of people, and again, much much wealthier than you were when a child.

So maybe it's about re-framing? You've posted your income upthread. Yes, £250k income is a lot, hence tax is a lot. Your mortgage is very very low, relatively! Again, count yourself lucky here! And £42k 'spends' is high. It's very very much higher than average family income, as you well know.

You (plural) have chosen private schooling, which accounts for the bulk of your outgoings, and seems to be the source of some of your angst. How can you make peace with this decision? Or change it if you need to? How can you ensure that you're measuring success by what you have and the luxuries and opportunities that you're affording your family, (ie ++++), rather than feeling you're falling short because you're not racing around in Maseratis, dripping with jewels?

Your mortgage is lowish for London. School fees the main culprit.

What do you spend the rest on?

Perhaps you could consider "Wife-Swap" ??

Why don't you put your kids in a good state school for now with a view to sending them to private when they reach secondary age? Then you can save some of that 85k you currently spend on fees so that you already have money put aside for when they get to private school.

I'm a lone parent on 12k a year and have to admit I'm struggling to sympathise with you that much, but there are always ways you can cut back. Private schooling is expensive. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

Bit corny I guess but this has made me realise how lucky we are. We are lucky to clear 30k between us but I am rich in friends, good times and happiness but true.
We have happy kids,nice cosy home, good laughs daily and a few breaks away each year and a long hiday thanks to our old camper.
I couldn't be more content if I had more money. If have more possessions and nicer clothes and a bigger house but I wouldn't be any happier.

I've namechanged but I am a regular poster. Firstly sorry for typing errors but I am breastfeeding and baby is more than a bit wriggly.

Our family have a similar level of income. DH has five children - 3 from a previous relationship and two with me. Four are privately educated with 2 of them at boarding school. The fifth is not in school but will also be private. It is a huge proportion of our income but is in our opinion worth it so we make sacrifices in other areas.

Most of our children's clothes come from charity shops, hand downs and ebay. We set a grocery budget and stick to it. We rarely holiday abroad. We only have one car. we ebay things we don't need. We have a modest life style in a normal 3 bed house. Lots of our friends have huge houses, expensive and eat out four or five times a week - thats not for us.

However we would not say for a moment we feel poor. We save a proportion of our income every month. We both work (though i'm on maternity at the moment)

We are comfortable, we are happy and we know we could cope on a much lower income if we had to because we've deliberately been careful. Reading posts like the OPs really sets me on edge.

we are RICH OP have you got that? There are people really struggling out there. I see it every day in my job. I know people who are choosing between food and heating, the bus fare to school and jumpers for the children, paying the electric bill or taking out a pay day loan. You yourself say you were raised in that sort of environment so you of all people should realise you are very well off now

Anyway moral lecture over. Off to my name change back to my normal person I hate talking about money as a general rule

I think it's quite sad that the OP doesn't feel comfortable even with a good lifestyle and income. Feeling good isn't always about money is it?

And people wouldn't know what to do with 42k? Really? That's just as sad!

hmmm...250k a year, you probably get around 150k after tax. 100K of that is paying for your 4 kids in private school, leaving you with 50k to feed and clothe a family of 6 in London, i am not suprised you havent much left over, London is not a cheap place to live in. Also, with 4 kids in private school there is probably a lot to "live up to" in terms of the kind of income bracket they are mixing with, there are probably kids in those schools whose parents are on a couple of million a year!

I have four children. We had three in private primary school. By the time number joined I figured out that for the same £21k I could employ a heck of a lot of specialist coaches to fill in the gaps I saw in state education and buy a lot of lovely clothes instead of the £2,000 a year in crappy uniform that wasn't even decent quality.
When you add number four into the equation it was nearly £30,000 a year post tax income. That was too much to be shelling out for me.

That's some expensive schooling. We are at an effing expensive school in London and that is still way below what you pay. Even if they all went to CLS/G that'd still only be £16 a year per child before sibling discount).

Only £13k mortgage - that is small for London (about £200k mortgage then, assuming its not interest only.)

£42k leftover to cover food, bills etc - and by your own admission you don't wear designer or splurge much - is more than enough after paying for the roof above your head and the school fees.

If you are comparing yourself to the oligarchs wives then yes, you are poor. Even if you were to quadruple your income, they'd still look down their reshaped noses at you.

You're not poor, not by most standards. Don't look at what others have, but if you must compare, look at how some people live in this day and age in this country.

grrr I just realised we wont be able to send our DD to a private school. I knew they were expensive but fuck me they are REALLY expensive. Oh well....

£42k for bills/food/spends is perfectly adequate.

But, if you want to feel 'rich' you need to face up to the fact that you cant afford private schools!

What a waste of money they are really for your children.

My children are doing well in state school as are many other bright kids, I can't afford tutors and all that sort of thing, but you could and it would cost you way less that £85k per annum.

Wtf is your point? You spend the equivalent of a yearly salary on each of your 4dcs to go to private school. That's why you don't have pots of cash. Presumably you chose to have 4 kids and privately educate them? So there you go. Mystery solved

I do sort of understand where you are coming from. I see this with DH, he comes from rural North Africa so from genuinely poor background (the family only got running water a few years ago). He has really struggled to accept that we are not poor, I work in the City so have a good income. We send our children to private schools and he kept telling me we couldn't afford it, I had to sit him down with the figures quite a few times before he accepted that actually we can afford it and the mortgage we currently have etc.

OP - if you have disposable income of £42K pa then there really no excuse for not having any savings. You could easily put £500-£1000 pm away without having to cut back too much unless you are living an extravagant lifestyle. How do you feel about having money? I know some people who didn't have much growing up who have found having money and taking responsibility for money absolutely terrifying and quite a burden.