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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About MIL popping over?

187 replies

PurpleCrutches · 06/01/2013 17:46

So today we've been really busy - shopping this morning/early afternoon, we got back, had lunch, then been doing various bits and pieces round the house.

MIL lives a street away from us.

About half an hour ago she turned up - at the time the living room was a state because DH is sorting out his aquarium (he has to move furniture when he does this) and I was trying to entertain the DCs while prepping the dinner. I answered the door, said hi, and asked what's up. She said, "oh, nothing, just thought I'd pop over."

I said that we were a bit busy atm and indicated the carnage around me. She looked very hurt and said, I did text you earlier but you didn't reply. I said well yes, we've been busy all day, I didn't hear my phone go off.

She still stayed for 10 mins, and then made a big show and dance about leaving, because we're so busy, we have so much better things to do, etc etc.

Now I never go to hers without texting or ringing first. If she doesn't answer I assume she's not available.

WIBU to tell her we were busy? Was it rude? She's done this before, always when we're eating/prepping dinner, or when we're putting the kids to bed. I've never said anything before, but I knew it was her when the doorbell went, and it really irritated me.

OP posts:

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 06/01/2013 22:57

See, I do: for example, nobody in this house likes milk, nobody takes it in coffee, nobody drinks it. If I know anyone's coming round, I make sure we have some in, because otherwise we wouldn't. Just little stuff like that. And making sure we're not in the middle of a meal/an argument/a shower/a lie in. I do think if you don't actually live somewhere, the nice thing to do is to check it is a good time to pop by before you do.

OTTMummA · 06/01/2013 22:58

Why didn't the mil offer to help?? If she wasn't bothered about mucking in, which would of got things done thrice as quickly, then she would of been able to sit down and enjoy her visit quicker. Instead she got her knickers in a twist because they were busy and didn't drop everything for her, I'm not making stuff up, it's all their for everyone to read.

2rebecca · 06/01/2013 23:00

I don't think those who like popping in and those who hate it are ever going to agree on this. The MIL thing is a red herring as most people who don't like uninvited guests prefer everyone to be invited in advance regardless of whose blood relative they are.
The popperinners can huffily call it "making an appointment", but to non-popperinners it's just "arranging a mutually convenient time" rather than a time that suits the popperinner but is inconvenient for the family being visited.

Narked · 06/01/2013 23:01

The poppers in and the MIL defenders are out in force!

For those who (like me) see it as rude and thoughtless to doorstep someone, it doesn't matter whose mother it is on the doorstep or how much DNA you may or may not share with them. It's rude and annoying. Full stop.

OTTMummA · 06/01/2013 23:01

My nan is like that usual, I love her to bits, but I don't like by her anymore. Her front door is always open and you all shout coo eeee as you walk in, or ( it's

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 06/01/2013 23:02

I love my daughters dearly and will be very sad when I'm not part of their everyday life any more, but when I'm not, I will try hard to remind myself that they have their own lives (or family units) and that they won't always be delighted to see me unannounced.

MaryPoppinsBag · 06/01/2013 23:02

YABU she is part of your family not someone you have to impress!

Mine did actually ring before she came today but it doesn't bother me if she doesn't. She took the kids for the day and then we went up for Sunday dinner at 5pm.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 06/01/2013 23:04

If it doesn't bother you and you like it, that's fine and nice, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it's not a wise precaution to check your company is welcome at a particular time before you impose it, IMO.

usualsuspect · 06/01/2013 23:05

My door is always open too, I somehow acquired 2 of my grandchildren for the day today too

Narked · 06/01/2013 23:06

The point is that it's polite to pick up the social signals you're being sent and respond appropriately.

OTTMummA · 06/01/2013 23:23

sorry posted too soon, basically the jist was, i would love to enjoy random people popping by, my nan is like that, so is my mum ( i have no idea why i hate it so, so much ) but i just do not like it.
I don't know why if you know someone doesn't like people popping that you would continue to do so and then get upset about an unfriendly reaction from them either.
If you pop in on someone like me, ( i hardly answer the door anyway ) you are imposing yourself, and i will not enjoy your company,, why would you want a to visit knowing that i am willing you to leave and seething about how impolite you are that you haven't noticed my fake smile and gritted teeth. I will not really be paying any attention to what you say and my mind will be else where worrying about how my plans have been screwed up and now i will be behind in XYZ.
If you don't want to be offended and feeling unwelcome, the simple solution is to just phone/txt and wait for a response, it really isn't that hard,, is it?
I would rather visit someone who actually wants me there instead them putting up with me.

ChaoticintheNewYear · 06/01/2013 23:26

I rather like my family.

I like mine too...they let me know when they're coming

MollyMurphy · 06/01/2013 23:40

agreed Narked. Who cares if you like popping in and see no problem with it if the person your visiting doesn't and is quietly irritated? it's just as "controlling" isn't it to ignore the perspective of who your popping by to see?

Original poster

PurpleCrutches · 06/01/2013 23:41

YABU she is part of your family not someone you have to impress!

On this point, and others like it, can I just say that I'm still not at that point with MIL. I like to know in advance when she's coming because I want the place to be tidy, and I want to sit and chat with her. I've been with DH for 7 years, but we've only lived here 6 months, so when she visited before it was all planned in advance. I used to take time off work. I'm not used to her seeing us 'everyday' though I'm a lot better than I was when we first came here.

I don't want her to feel like she can't come round, and in hindsight I should have welcomed her, let her in and thrust the kids in her direction. However, when I answered the door, instead of thinking, "yay, MIL can help!", I thought, "oh god, now I have to entertain MIL and I have other things to do." Which was the wrong approach.

I have spoken to DH again who thinks I'm making a big deal when I shouldn't, and that MIL should tell us before she comes round. I think I will still apologise though, because I could have handled it a lot better than I did.

OP posts:

MrsMushroom · 06/01/2013 23:46

Yabu. my Mum pops over to my sisters and my sister is often rude to her in the same way. Asking your own family "What's up?" on the doorstep is unkind and rude.

MrsMushroom · 06/01/2013 23:47

\think about how you will feel when your household is not so bustling anymore and your DC are busy and have their own family. You may not like it if you're kept on their doorsteps.

OTTMummA · 07/01/2013 00:04

I won't be kept on their doorstep MrsMushroom because i will either wait for an invite or arrange to visit when it is convenient for them.

OTTMummA · 07/01/2013 00:08

does your mum not get the hint MrsMushroom?
Your mum just turning up is making your sister uncomfortable, i have always been told not to accept behaviour that makes you uncomfortable.
Why does your mother insist on making your sister feel like this?
Why can't she phone or text to see if it is ok to visit, why is that such an awful thing to do, does it put her out?

catwomanlikesmeatballs · 07/01/2013 00:22

I hate when people show up without notice, they're always interrupting something; bathing dd (or myself), mealtimes, during sex, when I'm getting a peaceful half hour to myself or when we're slobbing out watching a movie in pyjamas. Beyond annoying when it's happening everyday. I don't answer the door to anyone who hasn't called in advance anymore.

Those who enjoy being popped in upon and do it to others need to realise that it can be very stressful for others to have someone show up in the middle of something. A fifteen minute notice can be the difference between being happily welcomed with a cup of tea and having your knock ignored.

exexpat · 07/01/2013 00:26

I'm on the 'hate people popping in' side. I don't do it and neither does anyone in my family.

It is certainly not an anti-MiL stance in my case (and I would guess in the OP's): I'd be equally annoyed if it was my mother, my mother-in-law, a friend or anyone else. If you haven't grown up with that as a normal habit, it feels like an imposition.

MrsMushroom · 07/01/2013 01:07

OTT Oh yes she gets the hint alright. It doesn't make it any easier....when people start to age and their lives get a bit smaller and quieter....how hard is it REALLY to allow your Mother or MIL into your life? Extended family is an important part of life. Parents who have aged are not something to be ignored or treated like an inconvenience.

They should be included.

OTTMummA · 07/01/2013 01:47

Just because you are old doesn't mean the world revolves around you It doesn't make you more 'speshal', it means you have lived long enough to learn that sometimes alotofthetime people are busy, especially with young families and work.
Being older should also mean that you have had a long time to perfect those manners, such as picking up the phone to arrange a convienient time to visit which everyone can then enjoy.
Your mum is just setting herself up for disappointment, and she has only herself to blame.

ToomuchheuchatendofHogmanay · 07/01/2013 02:28

I'm not a popper inner, I was raised that its rude to not check first before calling round so that is what I do, and what my friends do, usually just a quick text. I see my elderly parents nearly every week at roughly the same time, but I still call ahead just to check its ok, that they are not feeling poorly or planning a trip out or anything. They appreciate the courtesy. As someone up thread said, it IS controlling and unpleasant to assume you should always be welcomed, people have their own lives in their own homes!

OP so to me yadefNBU. I wouldn't apologise as such, but I would make it clear in a kind way if you can that you appreciate her checking first before coming round. I can understand if you and your family have lived away for a while that she may be excited by the idea of having you all so "handy" now and hopes for a close popping in type scenario - but it's your and DH home, so you decide!

MollyMurphy · 07/01/2013 03:07

Nobody is suggesting blocking out extended family...not one person that I can see. Just bloody call first and respect other people's space, why is that so horrid and ungrateful . Seems ridiculous that your mom doesn't care and just pops in anyway Mrs Mushroom - how can she expect a fabulous response considering the circumstances?

GingerBlondecat · 07/01/2013 05:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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