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AIBU?

About MIL popping over?

187 replies

PurpleCrutches · 06/01/2013 17:46

So today we've been really busy - shopping this morning/early afternoon, we got back, had lunch, then been doing various bits and pieces round the house.

MIL lives a street away from us.

About half an hour ago she turned up - at the time the living room was a state because DH is sorting out his aquarium (he has to move furniture when he does this) and I was trying to entertain the DCs while prepping the dinner. I answered the door, said hi, and asked what's up. She said, "oh, nothing, just thought I'd pop over."

I said that we were a bit busy atm and indicated the carnage around me. She looked very hurt and said, I did text you earlier but you didn't reply. I said well yes, we've been busy all day, I didn't hear my phone go off.

She still stayed for 10 mins, and then made a big show and dance about leaving, because we're so busy, we have so much better things to do, etc etc.

Now I never go to hers without texting or ringing first. If she doesn't answer I assume she's not available.

WIBU to tell her we were busy? Was it rude? She's done this before, always when we're eating/prepping dinner, or when we're putting the kids to bed. I've never said anything before, but I knew it was her when the doorbell went, and it really irritated me.

OP posts:

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FryOneFatManic · 06/01/2013 20:14

For those who think the op was rude, it all depends on your upbringing, doesn't it?

My family, including the cousins, aunts, etc, etc all call ahead if they want to visit, it's how we've always been. I would therefore not be used to, nor welcome "poppers in", because I see it as rude not to let someone know you want to visit. That's my upbringing, you see.

In this case, I would invite the MIL in and promptly hand over to my OH, while getting on with what I was doing. Or let her entertain the DCs. But then, my MIL let herself and FIL into our house in the very early days, and caught me in my dressing gown about to have a shower prior to an interview. She never did it again.

MollyMurphy · 06/01/2013 20:15

I have no tolerance for those who pop by....even if I generally like them a lot so YANBU

Home for me = privacy. I would just ask for a call first and explain why if its an ongoing thing....better yet I'd get your DH to do it.

Nancy66 · 06/01/2013 20:16

Op should have replied to the text then...nobody is too busy to reply to a text. it takes 10 seconds.

SneakyNuts · 06/01/2013 20:17

Nancy, the OP's MIL didn't think to text her son to check if it was ok, she text the OP, didn't get a response so thought she'd turn up anyway.

That is rude, it's also rude to describe the women who would appreciate a phonecall first as "horrible women"

allnewtaketwo · 06/01/2013 20:17

DH's parents used to be poppers in types. On one occasion, I was watching tv, in my dressing gown, hooked up to the breast pump. It used to take me ages to express because I could o my DP 1/2 ounce at a time. He actually brought the fuckers into the room. It didn't happen again

allnewtaketwo · 06/01/2013 20:18

"I could only do 1/2 ounce at a time"

FryOneFatManic · 06/01/2013 20:18

Nancy66 Just because someone is the mother of the man you marry, it doesn't automatically mean they are a nice person.

I'm lucky, MIL is lovely (if a bit talkative), but I've seen a friend with an absolutely toxic MIL, who nearly destroyed her marriage before her DH (the MIL's son) realised what was happening.

But, that not really what this is about. It's about the difference in expectations between those used to "poppers in" and those not used to "poppers in" regardless of who it is.

PurpleCrutches · 06/01/2013 20:19

To be honest, I hate the idea of her being upset, but at the same time I really don't like it when she comes round without letting us know. I like to do a quick tidy and make sure I'm presentable first. I could have phrased myself better, but I knew if I didn't say anything she'd have stayed for at least an hour.

I'm not at the stage yet where I feel like I don't have to entertain her, so I stop what I'm doing when she's around.

Oh, and I checked my phone, she'd texted 5 minutes before she arrived - so I would have had no notice anyway.

Need to try and find a non-rude happy medium somewhere I think! Any ideas?

OP posts:

BackforGood · 06/01/2013 20:19

It's a regular MN split, this one.
Some of us like informality and people feeling they can pop in when they like, others don't. Doesn't really matter what others think - you need to make clear to people that you don't like it.

FryOneFatManic · 06/01/2013 20:20

I rarely hear my mobile, I'm partly deaf, but I'm not going to glue myself to the phone all day.

2rebecca · 06/01/2013 20:20

If I'm in the house I rarely look at my mobile and family know to phone the house first at weekends. My mobile isn't always turned on anyway. If I text someone and they don't answer i presume they are busy or their mobile is turned off or out of range. If it wasn't urgent I wouldn't then turn up on their doorstep, that's rude.

Nancy66 · 06/01/2013 20:21

sneaky - you've minterpreted what I typed.

anyhow Op has said she feels bad and will apologise.

LaCiccolina · 06/01/2013 20:22

I have nothing more to add except, what this lot said!

My mil makes my teeth itch though so I'd have been fully bridled (and saddled) before I got to the door too.....

allnewtaketwo · 06/01/2013 20:23

OP should have replied to the text? Wtf? She was busy? Who actually spends all weekend glued to their mobile other than a teenager?

PurpleCrutches · 06/01/2013 20:24

Nancy please read the part of my OP where I said I hadn't heard my phone go off. It takes 10 seconds to reply to a text if you are aware of it.

Also please indicate the part of the OP that says, "I sat there with a face like thunder ignoring her, until she left sobbing." Because I'm pretty sure that didn't happen.

I'm not horrible to her - we get on really well normally.

OP posts:

SneakyNuts · 06/01/2013 20:24

I don't think she should to be honest. Maybe MIL should apologise for turning up with 5 minutes 'notice' and staying even though the OP was busy?

What did your DH think, OP?

2rebecca · 06/01/2013 20:24

If you think she's upset I'd phone her and apologise for being abrupt but say that it was a bad time to have a visitor and you'd rather she came round when you had time to chat to her properly so could she please phone in advance first and check you aren't busy and not just come round. it may upset her that you are implying you are busier than her but it sounds as though this is the case and popper inners usually sound as though they have too much time on their hands and could do with a job.

Reaa · 06/01/2013 20:27

Panda....you sound just like me

CloudsAndTrees · 06/01/2013 20:29

You weren't rude at all, and I'm shocked so many people are telling you that you were.

You are it obliged to entertain everyone that turns up on your doorstep uninvited, you have done nothing wrong, and have nothing to apologise for!

PurpleCrutches · 06/01/2013 20:31

DH was quite happy to say hello and carry on with what he was doing. Then he carried on with the stuff I'd been doing!

He agreed it was annoying and doesn't think I should apologise.

OP posts:

SneakyNuts · 06/01/2013 20:33

Maybe he should have a gentle word? It's not fair that you're the one entertaining his Mum when you both think it's annoying?

Salmotrutta · 06/01/2013 20:35

Jeez, I'd be the first to admit I have a less than perfect relationship with my own MIL but I've never made her feel unwelcome in our house.

My husband is her son after all.

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DontmindifIdo · 06/01/2013 20:37

Yep, people who are 'poppers' don't get that other people hate it and find it rude - they are usually out in force on threads like this and make out you are odd for wanting to be in control of when you are available to visitors and that your home is not commual extended family space, but private space just for the people who live there and anyone else is a guest regardless of their relationship to you.

They never see the rudeness of feeling they have a right over your space and time because they have no problem with seeing their space and time as commual for the extended family/friends, so assume you are rude for wanting control over these things.

That your MIL texted you is irrelevant, she didn't wait to find out if you wanted her to visit, she assumed that you always want her to visit unless you specify and give her a reason not too, or are not in. She has assumed that because she wants your company and it's a good time for her, that must follow that you want her company and it's a good time for you. Otherwise, she'd have waited for you to reply that it was a good time to come over. A non-popper wouldn't do that, they would assume they aren't welcome to come over until you'd replied to tell them they were.

Unfortunately, there's no way to get through to a pop in-er that you find it rude without being rude to them. You either have to accept that you no longer have rights over your time and family space or you tell them they have to call/check they have permission to come over first, which they will see as rude.

Nancy66 · 06/01/2013 20:39

I agree that, generally, people who pop in unannounced are annoying - I just wouldn't include parents or siblings in that.

ArkadyRose · 06/01/2013 20:43

Personally I wouldn't apologise, but I would phone and explain that I don't "do" random drive-by visits like that and I really need far more than just 10 minutes' notice by text - and if there's no answer to that text then it's best to assume the answer is "not a good time, try another day".

I personally feel it's incredibly rude to just casually drop by someone's house unannounced and expect to be entertained - and no, family are not exempt from this just because they're related. She was definitely the one being rude here - when you made it clear you were all busy, she should have excused herself and left. She's the one who owes you an apology.

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