About MIL popping over?

[PurpleCrutches]

So today we've been really busy - shopping this morning/early afternoon, we got back, had lunch, then been doing various bits and pieces round the house.

MIL lives a street away from us.

About half an hour ago she turned up - at the time the living room was a state because DH is sorting out his aquarium (he has to move furniture when he does this) and I was trying to entertain the DCs while prepping the dinner. I answered the door, said hi, and asked what's up. She said, "oh, nothing, just thought I'd pop over."

I said that we were a bit busy atm and indicated the carnage around me. She looked very hurt and said, I did text you earlier but you didn't reply. I said well yes, we've been busy all day, I didn't hear my phone go off.

She still stayed for 10 mins, and then made a big show and dance about leaving, because we're so busy, we have so much better things to do, etc etc.

Now I never go to hers without texting or ringing first. If she doesn't answer I assume she's not available.

WIBU to tell her we were busy? Was it rude? She's done this before, always when we're eating/prepping dinner, or when we're putting the kids to bed. I've never said anything before, but I knew it was her when the doorbell went, and it really irritated me.

purplecrutches

I don't mean to make you feel really bad with this post, as I've sen your earlier one where you said you'll prob call your MIL up and apol, but, my MIL passed away the day before Christmas eve, we're having her funeral this week

As much as I sometimes thought 'Please stop calling round every other day!!' I would now gladly open the door to find her stood there and enjoy the time with her palm entertaining the dcs to her while I try to tidy

I know relationships with MIL often aren't as close as with your own mum, but remember, she has called to her son's house, yes yours too, but also to visit her own child, and in your heart of hearts, would you have been as peeved if you opened the door and it was your mum that had bobbed round if she lived as close?

Please do get in touch with her, it must be a bit crap when you call to visit your child and grandchildren and you're made to feel a nuisance.

Nancy, that's the problem, most people who don't like poppers in feel exactly the same about all poppers in, regardless of their relationship to you. I (deliberately) don't live close to my parents, but even if DH and I driving past PILs house, we'd not pop in without calling first to check it's ok. I would assume for other family members.

Once grown DCs leave home, their house is not suddenly your space too. It's someone else's home.

But if the visitee finds it annoying, then something has to give. Either the visitee puts up with it and seethes resentfully and it gradually ruins the relationship with MIL, or the visitor is told what the boundaries are. Is probably peed off in the short term but gets over it

I agree Nancy - I can't imagine ever being unwelcoming to either my family or DHs.

All it takes is a "Hello! Come in, excuse the stir. Cup of tea?"

I've seen the way a DIL in my family favoured her own folks dropping by when they were "just passing" but was pretty off when her ILs did it - and they very rarely did it.
That caused a fair bit of hurt.

Crikey, reading some of these posts makes my toes curl!!

YANBU it's SO BLOODY RUDE of your mil to just come round and assume you'll be free!!!! Can't believe so many people think its ok to just drop by unannounced

Dont phone and apologise, she'll assume you'll be fine with popping in for evermore!

She shouldn't have come around with out waiting for a reply to her text first.

It's her son's house!! Does the woman have to make an appointment to visit her son and daughter in law when op has not mentioned she is a toxic or bad person?? Please when my son grows up, if he meets some one and sett;es down don't let them have this sort of attitude of treating their MIL like some barely tolerated nuisance..

Better for who though? Why are MIL's feeling more important than the OP's?

We're all different but OP the fact that you are worried you offended your MIL and posted here indicates that, at the very least, you think you may have over-reacted.

Either way what's clear is that your MIL did not intend to upset anyone - she prob just wanted to see her family and that's not such a bad thing is it?

I am on the other side of this - we occasionally hear the back door open and in walks my DS and DIL. We have no idea that they are about to turn up, but guess what - we always stop what we are doing and make them welcome, whatever we are doing. Sometimes it is not convenient and I can see a couple of hours of our day disappearing, but I am just grateful that they want to see us. On the other hand, we never just turn up at their home without contacting them first. I think some people have really odd ideas of family on here which are really rather sad.

Hear hear Joyce.

Like I said, my own MIL is a bit challenging but DH is her son and she only has us effectively.

My DS is my son and one of the things I definitely wont do is make a nuisance of myself by calling unannounced. Couple with children are busy and for most, there are only 2 days a week to actually get stuff done in the house. Thinking you have some of right to stomp in on that uninvited because you gave birth to one of them is quite intrusive IMO. I'd be asking them if it was helpful to babysit to let them get stuff done.

Ah well allnew hopefully you won't get one of those DILs that shoulder you out in favour of their own mum and dad eh?

Purple I think the problem is that you don't feel comfortable to get on with whatever you are doing while she is there yet. Obviously as you are new to living so close to her.

I think you need to just carry on doing what you are doing and let her entertain herself, or just chat to you while you get on with things.

PC, I'm surprised at how many people are calling you rude. It sounded like you were a bit harassed and really didn't want the visit at that time (which is completely different from not wanting a visit at anytime!)

I also think the posters stating that you should move house to avoid the situation, or somehow implying that because you live close by its somehow more acceptable are (even if tongue in cheek) are being ridiculous!!

I have an uneasy relationship with my PIL and hate when they just 'drop by', so much so I'd move if I could. Their attitude towards my house (and their 'rights' to time with my child) are driving a considerable wedge between us.

The fact that you are posting suggests you care (and are nice, rather than rude!)

AB

LemonBreeland, love your name - we obviously like the same TV programmes.

I don't think you were rude at all so I've no idea what some are on about!

It's bloody annoying when people just turn up unannounced when you are up to your eyeballs, at times like that you don't want or need people turning up unanounced and uninvited?

She may well be lonely but that's not your problem!

If you've got the nerve, invite her round for a cuppa and lay some ground rules down, just make sure she understands it's not just her, you feel this way about everyone doing it.

I think the MIL thing is a red herring. I would be just as annoyed by my own DM popping in as my MIL.

Also I don't think it's odd ideas about family - I think partly it may be how you've been brought up to treat guests.

I could never let a guest, even my own mother/father, make their own cup of tea, and would hate the house to be a mess, or me to be wearing a dressing gown, and not to feel I had made an effort for them - even if it was my own DM, who I love and get on with very much, I would just hate being popped in on - I could not just get on with my own stuff, I would have to drop everything, sit down, and entertain them, or I would feel rude. I would much rather arrange to see them, and have quality time, and enjoy their company properly.

OP there have been lots of threads about this previously where the person walked in on the couple in flagrante, not once, but several times. Really, if that wouldn't stop one popping in, then what would?!

Thanks to those who don't think I'm the devil's spawn

Like I said, we were busy - if we were doing fuck all it wouldn't have mattered.

Just to clarify, if it had been my mother, I would have said to her we were busy and asked her to call later. My mother lives 350 miles away, though, so we always get notice when she comes round!

Looks like I can either say nothing, and be a horrible DIL, or apologise and keep checking to see if she's coming round

Not sure which is the lesser evil.

Yes my sil would walk in...come round the back stare through the window.....some peope have no boundries.

I never mind people popping over unannounced when we're all home. What I HATE is it happening when I have precious time to myself. FIL used to just pop in if he was passing and I'd want to cry if it was the only hour to myself in the whole week. I politely told him that while we always love to see him he must always call in advance to check that we're in and that it's a good time.
He lives on his own and loves to have company (even just to fall asleep and snore on our sofa) and I do try to empathise.

I would have felt the same as you but wouldn't have had the balls to say so, so good for you! I wish I did!