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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not back down over Friday access?

98 replies

Wereonourway · 06/01/2013 16:16

I've posted about my ex in relationships many times. I won't go into too much detail but will say he bullies ne and was emotionally abusive.
Since we split in August he has had 2 overnights and each Sunday. After the overnights I would pick ds up at 8 am to take him to nursery.
Ex has cancelled contact many times for social life/football etc.
I start a new job tomorrow with part time hours and will no longer be working Fridays. I've previously worked full time and tried very hard to get this job as it was so child friendly.
Ex is self employed and cannot garunteed when he will or won't be working( seems to work around football however).
Because I'm now off on a Friday ex is demanding the day with ds as part of his overnight contact, says he is missing out(although he never had Friday day time contact previously).
It's hard to communicate and reason with ex so I'm not happy waiting til Thursday evening to be told whether or not ex is off and therefore whether I'm getting ds or not.
I have spoken to my solicitor about this but an afraid I wasn't strong enough( got upset at appointment).
I'd like set time of 9am pick up on a Friday so I can take ds swimming etc and actually benefit from having the dy off which I've fought hard to get.
Aibu to insist on this even if ex is off?? There are no set times to his work and ex has even said if he has to work he will take ds to his grans.
Perspective greatly appreciated before I ring solicitor to re discuss.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wereonourway · 06/01/2013 16:17

Must reiterate that there are no garunteed as to whether ex would actually be off. Meaning I'd have to wait til evening before or Friday morning to see whether I could make plans

OP posts:
NinaHeart · 06/01/2013 16:29

I can't work out when you're off work, when he's off work and what the changes are. Sorry.

Bogeyface · 06/01/2013 16:33

Its perfectly easy Nina

The OP is starting a new job that gives her fridays off, and her ex has now demanded he has their DS on Fridays (probably just to piss the OP off) even though he may have to work that day. He would rather take the DS to his grans for the day than let the OP have a day with her son. Whats hard to understand about that? Hmm

OP, dont back down and if you thin that he would prevent you having him back on the Fridays then I suggest you cancel the midweek overnights until such time as you can go to court to get it sorted. Offer him the standard of every other weekend, Friday PM to Sunday PM.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 06/01/2013 16:34

I agree your post is a tad confusing. So am I right in thinking he has your ds for 2nights and a Sunday day? Now on top he wants him Friday day if he is off but you think only to spite you?
Does he not have him during the days before the overnight stays or is it because you do nights he has him?

Bogeyface · 06/01/2013 16:35

How old is DS btw? The weekday overnights wont be practical when he starts school or thats how you could put it to your Ex,

Original poster
Wereonourway · 06/01/2013 16:35

Sorry, am in a tizzy.
I am off every Friday. Ex is salf employed so cannot garuntee being off on a Friday.
His overnight with ds is Thursday and he believes that if he isn't at work he should have ds for the day. Since August I have collected ds at 8am each Friday following overnight contact

OP posts:
YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 06/01/2013 16:37

It was the "I'd like to set the time of 9am pick up on a Friday" that threw me otherwise I would have just assumed he had him Friday night till Sunday but now I'm thinking 2 random evenings and Sunday day?

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 06/01/2013 16:37

Erm, if he has him overnight, he should be dropping him.off at nursery / school et.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 06/01/2013 16:38

Stick to your guns, if this is the contact you already have in place then he can't really change it now if its not convenient for you

Original poster
Wereonourway · 06/01/2013 16:39

And to answer other questions ds is at nursery.
Ex sometimes collects him early on a Monday or Thursday but this is rare, he prefers to wait til I drop him off. Ex says overnights aren't long enough and that he deserves other time with him during day(which he has never had not wanted).
Ds is 2 and attends a fabulous nursery. I am keen to keep him in a routine and feel that him working around ex's working pattern will cause confusion

OP posts:
Original poster
Wereonourway · 06/01/2013 16:41

Also ex's van is currently untaxed and uninsured

OP posts:
soulresolution · 06/01/2013 16:42

If he hasn't had Friday before now then I don't see you have to give in to him at all. If he hasn't been sticking properly to the arrangement anyway -frequent cancellations for no good reason - he's hardly in a position to argue about it.

Original poster
Wereonourway · 06/01/2013 16:42

And ex refused to do every other weekend and one mid week so he has him Monday night, Thursday night and Sunday day time.
I'm worried that my day off will be dictated by his working hours

OP posts:
balia · 06/01/2013 16:42

Is any compromise possible? Could you offer, say, two Fridays a month to ex if he isn't working? Or move overnight to Wed so he can have the option of having DS all day Thursday? It may be enough just to offer if he hasn't been bothered about daytime contact before.

Not sure why, if ex is self-employed, weekday overnights won't be practical when DS starts school...

ILoveTIFFANY · 06/01/2013 16:50

What's the point in seeing a solicitor?

directoroflegacy · 06/01/2013 16:52

I thought this thread would be about bum sex.
Sorry I will go back to my gutter now.
Blush

Original poster
Wereonourway · 06/01/2013 16:55

I've had a solicitor involved to formalise times, the Friday issue has come up because we are reviewing it all. We are currently awaiting ex's response from most recent letter which states I have Friday days.
Ex has verbalised that he will fight this, hence me gauging opinion

OP posts:
deleted203 · 06/01/2013 16:56

I would just tell him calmly that the agreement we have is that you collect DS at 8.00am on Friday mornings and that that will be continuing. Tell ex that if he wants to change access arrangements then he should consult a solicitor.

Bogeyface · 06/01/2013 16:58

It wont be practical because he refuses to stick to his arrangements now and can't say what he is doing and when. Also, if he is driving around in an untaxed and uninsured vehicle then the OP wouldnt want him driving the DS to school, I wouldnt!

ILoveTIFFANY · 06/01/2013 16:59

A solicitor isn't legally binding you know..... It's just an agreement. Court is the only way you could force the issue. But that's nor guaranteed to go in your favour.

You could only show court what agreement was drawn up via solicitors

Original poster
Wereonourway · 06/01/2013 17:04

I'm just about at melt down stage. Ex said when I left he would make my life hell and he is doing.
I've a list as long as my arm of the times he has missed contact/ changed it to suit him.
From his point of view he expects to be able to collect ds when he likes from nursery and to keep him if he isn't working because he is his dad.
This leaves ds with no routine and me having to work around him who has intimidated me left right and centre.
To add ex has maybe done 5% of ds's 'upbringing'. He helped very little whilst we were together and has not prioritised ds since split. He sees me as controlling, which I probably am being.
It's a sorry mess and I can't see and end at all.
I need to see my solicitor again to reiterate all of this I think. I don't know whether I can face weeks and weeks of letters going back and forth til it's sorted.
I'd rather like to go to court and have an order issued immediately but I understand it doesn't work like this.
I question my own decisions constantly.
I've practically been a single mum since ds was born and it hurts so much to have him in the middle whilst we battle.
It's not a position I ever ever thought I'd be in

OP posts:
Original poster
Wereonourway · 06/01/2013 17:09

I understand that solicitors aren't binding. My solicitor has suggested mediation but I'm wary of this due to advice given in relationships due to ex being emotionally abusive.
This is what I have now put in writing:-
Monday overnight with me dropping off at 4pm and collecting at 8.45am on a Tuesday.
Thursday overnight with same times as above.
Sunday from 10am til 4pm.
Ex is arguing over Fridays "if he is off work" and even saying he might not be able to stick til 4pms.
Bearing in mind the fact that ex has never been dad of the year surely he wouldn't get more time than this??

OP posts:
soulresolution · 06/01/2013 17:15

I think if you went through the court he might get a lot less time given what you say about his bullying and unreliability.

ILoveTIFFANY · 06/01/2013 17:16

In my opinion, those overnights are not quality time, assuming your ds is sleeping for most of it! Can see why he would like the full day really

ILoveTIFFANY · 06/01/2013 17:18

Don't underestimate the courts... If he shows willing and turns up he's likely to be given what he proposes... There's no welfare risk here ( apart from no insurance,which needs sorting, but how do you know he has none?)