To not back down over Friday access?

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I've posted about my ex in relationships many times. I won't go into too much detail but will say he bullies ne and was emotionally abusive.
Since we split in August he has had 2 overnights and each Sunday. After the overnights I would pick ds up at 8 am to take him to nursery.
Ex has cancelled contact many times for social life/football etc.
I start a new job tomorrow with part time hours and will no longer be working Fridays. I've previously worked full time and tried very hard to get this job as it was so child friendly.
Ex is self employed and cannot garunteed when he will or won't be working( seems to work around football however).
Because I'm now off on a Friday ex is demanding the day with ds as part of his overnight contact, says he is missing out(although he never had Friday day time contact previously).
It's hard to communicate and reason with ex so I'm not happy waiting til Thursday evening to be told whether or not ex is off and therefore whether I'm getting ds or not.
I have spoken to my solicitor about this but an afraid I wasn't strong enough( got upset at appointment).
I'd like set time of 9am pick up on a Friday so I can take ds swimming etc and actually benefit from having the dy off which I've fought hard to get.
Aibu to insist on this even if ex is off?? There are no set times to his work and ex has even said if he has to work he will take ds to his grans.
Perspective greatly appreciated before I ring solicitor to re discuss.

Tiffany- he cannot garuntee a day, he cannot garuntee times. And given that he has often cancelled overnights as well as his Sunday I don't want my ds's routine determined by his erratic working hours and lifestyle iykwim?

And the insurance ran out in October, I set it up in 2010 whilst with him. He told me he has not renewed as there is no mot on the vehicle.
The vehicle was deemed unsafe at its mot in November. Ex told me this when on better terms.
I have not allowed ds to be in it since then although ex still uses it daily as he can't afford another.
Ex has said previously that he was "more than happy with 2 overnights and a Sunday". He has on numerous occasions finished work early and waited until drop off time of half 5 rather than pick him up.
If son is safe I'm happy. Ex doesn't bath ds, never has, I understand I cannot do anything about this but I would like ds to have a stable routine with set times where we all know where we are.this protects me from his verbal accuse and means ds gets 2 happy parents, that's the best we can do in this situation, I understand that.
But at the moment my time away from ds is dictated by his working hours, I understand I should take this on the chin and help ex to spend time with ds but should I do that to my detriment on a regular day off which means I simply cannot plan anything in case ex is off??

Exactly OP - he is unreliable and does not prioritise his child and the courts are hardly likely to be persuaded that he's fine just because he "shows willing and turns up".

I don't think you are going to get the advice you need here tbh as it's a legal issue and has to be determined on the basis of the circumstances in your particular case.

It does soul, I know. I went off on a tangent because I'm fed up!
It's so frustrating. I've worked around ex since we split. Literally ran up his arse in every way and met every whim, basically like I did when we were together. And I've had enough. I want to live my life and make my plans with ds, move on and be happy and in peace.
I worry that courts will not see his intimidating ways, he can be subtle and puts on a good show.
Similarly I'd like to be seen to be offering fair access, I've certainly never limited it in any way. Now I'd just like routine and stability and peace, it seems a long long way off!

The OP is starting a new job that gives her fridays off, and her ex has now demanded he has their DS on Fridays (probably just to piss the OP off) even though he may have to work that day. He would rather take the DS to his grans for the day than let the OP have a day with her son. Whats hard to understand about that?

Ahh! The sort of reasoned, impartial synopsis that MN is famous for. Congratulations Bogeyface, you seem to be gifted with an insight few of us share!

If you go to court and offer what suits you, say every other weekend and one evening a week then it will likely go through because yanbu. If you were only offering one afternoon a month then they wouldnt agree that because it is too little.

He can rant and rave all he likes but the facts of the matter are that you are being more than generous with access, he has cancelled and been late time and again and whatever is agreed has to be in the interest of DS. Aslong as you keep that in mind, you should be ok.

You might want to remind your ex that access is arranged on the basis of a childs right to have a relationship with their parent NOT on the basis of a parents "rights". No parent has automatic rights to their child if it isnt in the childs interest.

Thank you very much. Glad I could help.

Sorry if I sounded stupid, bogeyface, maybe because i am ill and my powers of comprehension are reduced. No need to be snarky though.

"Thank you very much. Glad I could help" Bogeyface

I don't think I mentioned anything about 'helping'

Feel for you OP but you've obviously come a long way so don't let him trip you up now

Clearly it's time to stop trying to keep him sweet as it's not working. Courts might not see the initimidation but you can put down a record of his treatment of you and of all the missed contact and any other evidence -e.g lack of work, driving an uninsured vehicle - that he is not a stable influence for your ds.

The fact that you have been so reasonable about access will surely tell in your favour in court.

What is he going to do when your son starts full time school?

Why does he not want weekend overnight access? is it because it clashes with football?

You sounds as if you have been reasonable, it sounds as though he is just being difficult because he can.

Personally Id tell him to get to fuck, not in as so many words but you get my drift.

Offer him Tuesday and either Friday or Saturday overnights and Sunday during the day, watch him backtrack as he won't want to give up his social life. Stand firm Fridays are non negotiable, I would seriously drop the Thursday overnights so he can't mess you around on your day off. He is self employed he can chose another day to take off to spend with his son...

YADNBU but you need to be very strong, stick to your guns and let him take you to court. I really would stop the Thursday nights and give him the choice of Saturday or Sunday nights... or alternate weekends and one night mid week.

When I say get to fuck, I mean with regard trying to bully you just offer reasonable access as you have been doing.

RandomMess makes a good suggestion.

Thanks all. I did offer all day Sunday plus over night and one midnight week. Turned down. He sees that as me "being a cunt and limiting access", his words!
And yes football is reason for not alternating weekends.i have been more than fair, I think I know that deep down.
I'm sure part of me is selfishly clinging on to time with ds.
He was born prem with horrific bruising/prolonged jaundice. Started life in neo natal. Added to this is ex doing nothing for us( calling me a lazy count if I asked him to bath ds or get up on a morning with him, weekly occurrence).
Ex also binge drinks on a day, this morning it was til around 3am. I then had to drop ds off.
My solicitor said unless ex is incoherent or smells of alcohol I'm unable to stop contact. Would rather ex stepped up, made most of his time with ds and agreed to something which means we could all move on.
He recently sent my solicitor a 9(!) page letter telling her I was vindictive, controlling and manipulative and brushed away his verbal abuse by saying I "severely" goad him. It's all lies, or at least I know it is. Can disprove most of letter but its the thought of going trough all of this with poor poor ds in middle which kills me.

I wonder, is he the sort that thinks he knows it all and would perhaps represent himself in court?

If he were to put forward "evidence" such as what is in the letter then he would be playing right into your hands, a judge would see through it straight away. Usually the ones who think the most of themselves are the ones who end up on their arses.

Excellent. Now you have that ridiculous letter to add to the evidence against him. No way I would let him have responsibility for a child if he's drinking.

According to someone up the thread a solicitor's agreement is not legally binding anyway so that works both ways - you don't have to let him have contact at all until it is settled in court.

His family have recently rallied around him, despite knowing he has been abusive and despite his own mum saying to him as recently as September That he "doesn't deserve his son".
His family are now getting him a "decent" solicitor as mine is shit apparently. He hasn't bothered going to a solicitor even though I did in September. Through pure laziness I believe
Over Xmas I snapped, had enough of his bullying and threats and made a stand. This involved me giving him times for access(had previously been informal, around his work). I had to do this without solicitor advice due to it being Xmas.
This has turned into me being controlling and vindictive and I suppose if that's all you knew you would agree.
They think he "has as much right to ds as me" and that I should relinquish control over ds.
My response is as above, ex left me to it with ds. Couldn't be arsed, prioritised drink and football over his son and is now wondering why I'm main carer.
I have no problem with ex having access but firmly believe it is enough based on the past 2 yrs and my sons needs, hopefully courts will agree.

How about "okey doke - would be lovely to have a day to catch up on work / housework / sleep" the first time he asks.

And if you really want ds one Friday then text him on the Monday asking if he can have him as a friend is going on a spa day and has an extra ticket and has invited you along too......

Mummy, today I was out for lunch with a friend(keeping busy, eating without a child finging stuff etc) and ex texted me asking me to deliver lunch to his house! As ds had slept through lunch at a family members.
He then rang to say he had lost ds's dummy(whole other thread) and could I take a replacement.
Before Xmas I was training for new job and had to pick ds up at 8. Ex simply refused(or was unable) to get ds ready for me so I had to go to his at 7.30 to get ds up, washed and ready! Twice a bloody week!
The last week before Xmas I asked(not told) ex of I could keep him to save me having to that, he happily agreed and saw ds for an hour at my home(I know, I know). In his letter he states I "withheld contact for 2 weeks before Xmas"
I plan to annotate letter at some point with links to texts etc which prove otherwise, whether or not it will be used is something else.

OP You need to gather your evidence and take him to court, because this all a control tactic.

If you went away for a night when DS was with his dad, you could guarantee he'll call constantly.

theres no way my child would be traveling in an untaxed and uninsured van. What kind of irresponsible person is he?

Smelly socks- I have not allowed ds in van and to my knowledge ex hasn't had him in it but I'm in such a difficult position. Felt like reporting him to dvla many times but would look like I was doing it out of spite wouldn't it?
As for drinking on a sat my solicitor said if he smells of alcohol to drive away and just stop the access for that day, quite hard when facing a 6 foot 4 bully!
I wasn't very good with my solicitor. She has just read the letter from him(which he didn't send to me btw so is not read it) and was probably thinking there was truth to it, even though the truth was severely stretched to say the least.
Am I able to go back to solicitor with my women's aid worker and be firmer?? Insist that I'm not willing to negotiate with such a bully anymore or will that go against me at a later date?

Stick to your guns, he's being a twat.

Get your solicitor to write a letter saying that you have specifically changed your work to spend Friday with DS. But that if he wants DS a different week day you will cancel his nursery place for that day as well if ex is willing to take on the childcare responsibility. Also that ex will now need to be dropping DS at nursery after overnight contact so he will have to get his van MOT'd & insured.

Hopefully he will soon back down if you stop running round after him. I dont think you need to worry about DS's routine, he will adapt to his father's inconsistencies as long as he can rely on you.

I would keep calm. Keep your letters very short and to the point. Email him with a suggestion for contact, which as someone above stated doesn't include thursday nights, so he can't mess you about. Say that Fridays are now better with you as you are now always off work, which is better and more consistent for your son. Suggest another day for him to have contact so that he can't argue you are preventing this. (Keep a copy of your email and his reply to use in court - make sure yours is really polite and spells out the best course of action for all of you, but particularly your son)
Unfortunately, you really are best to try to sort this out between you both rather than involve a court. If you do go via solicitors and courts they will be more impressed with a short unemotional argument about why Fridays are better with you. He sounds bloody minded. If he really digs his heels in, would there be any way you can change your day off??

IOt also sounds like you need to deal with him less. Can't he take your son to nursery on the days he has him, so you aren't responsible for him being late?

In my own experience, once you start responding briefly and with less emotion, he will huff and puff a lot less!

So he does want contact with his son but only when it suits him which is vastly unpredictable. As such he has turned down weekends! He has an alcohol problem and his vehicle is unsafe.

I'd be inclined to go to the courts and make sure he gets a weekend.