To not back down over Friday access?

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I've posted about my ex in relationships many times. I won't go into too much detail but will say he bullies ne and was emotionally abusive.
Since we split in August he has had 2 overnights and each Sunday. After the overnights I would pick ds up at 8 am to take him to nursery.
Ex has cancelled contact many times for social life/football etc.
I start a new job tomorrow with part time hours and will no longer be working Fridays. I've previously worked full time and tried very hard to get this job as it was so child friendly.
Ex is self employed and cannot garunteed when he will or won't be working( seems to work around football however).
Because I'm now off on a Friday ex is demanding the day with ds as part of his overnight contact, says he is missing out(although he never had Friday day time contact previously).
It's hard to communicate and reason with ex so I'm not happy waiting til Thursday evening to be told whether or not ex is off and therefore whether I'm getting ds or not.
I have spoken to my solicitor about this but an afraid I wasn't strong enough( got upset at appointment).
I'd like set time of 9am pick up on a Friday so I can take ds swimming etc and actually benefit from having the dy off which I've fought hard to get.
Aibu to insist on this even if ex is off?? There are no set times to his work and ex has even said if he has to work he will take ds to his grans.
Perspective greatly appreciated before I ring solicitor to re discuss.

That about sums it up Von trapp although ex being the emotional abuser he is he will not accept this, nor I've found will his family.
I'm such a controlling vindictive person that the Sunday before Xmas when ex rolled out of bed 2 and a half hrs late for contact I asked my mum not to come to my house at 4pm as planned so that ex could spend some quality time(lying on my sofa on his phone) with a tonsillitis ridden ds( to be fair I didn't want ds out of house as his temp was over 39 and he wAsnt well at all).
I know relationships end, I know there's 2 sides to every story, I know it's now all about ds and his happiness and what happens between us shouldn't matter but when he intimidates me into changing times etc and I can't have peace from him surely it is affecting ds?
God I need wine and I don't bloody drink!

Jesus - you shouldn't need support/back up to go to your solicitor to get done what you need done. Change solicitors.

Do not allow Ex to have DS on Fridays - this is YOUR day.

Restrict access - he is not good for DS.

Check to see if he's been drinking before you get DS out of the car - use one of those 'breathalising' things.

If he's intimidating, go to the police.

Come on - channel your strength and put an end to this crap!

OP You need to start sticking up for yourself and your son, go to court and get set access, if he dont like, then tough shit, get the power back and turn into the bitch they already think you are, stop pleasing this idiot, and do what your son needs.

Your son will thank you for it one day.

Greg makes a good point.

They already think you are a bitch, they already hate you, so what difference does it make if you actually stand up for yourself?

If you dont then they wont like you more, they will just walk all over you. Channel that bitch and stick it to them. Go to court. Start saying NO.

God can u all come with me!
I know I have been weak. 5 years in a ea relationship has taken its toll!

I think the courts are likely to swing in his favour due to his irregular work hours. He won't be the first parent with obstacles like this

Do you have proof his work is irregular or is he just saying this?

You are not being weak, you are recovering from abuse that has skewed your view of what is normal and reasonable.

The fact that you are standing up to him at all shows how far you have come, you just need to dig a little deeper to get to uber-bitch level :o

TIFFANY His work hours shouldnt mean that OP has live her life around him, if he wants access then he should be able to agree with OP with a degree of civility.

Tiffany he doesnt work weekends, just prefers to go to the football. He has evenings free too, so it doesnt sound like irregular working hours to me, just that he doesnt know if he can have a day off until the day before because he is self employed and presumably can get bookings up until the day before.

your solicitor, if it is relevant, should be asking sufficient questions to refute/explain anything in a letter from the other side. If they are not doing this they are not doing their job properly. This will not always be a pleasant experience but their aim should be to put up the best case for their client and do what their client wants them to do (within realms of the law and upon appropriate advice). If you feel they do not believe you and feel you have to take representation to see your own solicitor i would think your solicitor has not done enough to build an appropriate relationship of trust with you. By all means take someone else along to help explain and prompt you where necessary - i can see how that would be useful.

I think in other threads on this sort of thing the advice has been to make it about what is best for the children, keeping it factual and trying (as much as possible) to not be emotive about it with courts etc. Make sure you keep everything documented and if not already doing it make sure all contact arrangements are written down - including when cancelled at the last minute and any reasons given for this.

It sounds like your relationship hasn't really ended if you are letting him turn up two hours late and lie on your sofa using his phone, while meanwhile you've changed your plans for the day. Or making you turn up early at his so you can get your son up and dressed and out to nursery on time.

You need to stop facilitating his behaviour. He is walking all over you. Draw up a contact agreement and insist he sticks to it (or loses it). Try to build in that he drops off at the nursery - I don't see why you should be collecting him and taking him there on a morning he is with his dad? (Or is it because he doesn't have safe transport? - if so, then maybe he shouldn't have his son the night before a nursery day - you can quite reasonably argue that he is unable either to take his son there AND finds it impossible to get him up ready on time for you to pick him up, so these days are not suitable.) If he misses contact, make sure you email/ text/ put it in writing that he's missed it, then carry on with your plans.

I think you need further solicitors' advice to draw up a reasonable plan for contact that doesn't require all the running around and stress on your part. As for the Friday thing - as long as you are ok with your ex having a day with your son, thinking about it more I would be tempted to let him have the Friday. It would give you time to get your head together/ go shopping/ do housework etc, and chances are he won't keep it up anyway.

Get yourself a diary, and write in it thoroughly, because you have the evidence, he wont have, it'll give you better footing, football is not a good enough reason to drop a child.

Apologies - just saw your last comment about it being an ea relationship, so hope I didn't come across as offensive saying you are letting him walk all over you.

Magic, I appreciate I've facilitated his behaviour, have bent over backwards for months to keep the peace. He genuinely believes I was limiting his time that Sunday, how can you reason with someone like that??
I absolutely do not want to give up a Friday. I have worked full time for 6 months with absolutely no financial reward( I pay child care costs) and tried very hard to get the job I've got which is in a government department, is very child friendly and allowed me a day off a week to spend with ds, something I've not had the pleasure of doing since he was 6 months old( I always worked part time but worked each day and hours crept up as time went on).
If I'd had a Monday off ex would have twisted, same goes for every day of the week. If I allow ex to have friday(bearing in mind he could be working) that means I will have one free day with him, a Saturday. I may as well have stuck it out in my previous job which I loved but wasn't child friendly.
Ex would have 2 overnights plus 2 full days and whilst I appreciate this is about ds and his rights, why have I toiled and done all the nitty gritty(night feeds, nursery runs, early morning, docs visits, everything!) to not allow me to spend the time off with my son?
My work is flexi to a degree, but I'm not able to work fridays unless overtime is agreed which tends to happen at end of tax year for a month or so.
In all honesty if ex was a reasonable man who had put ds first, who had actually helped to raise him and could stay sober of a weekend I'd be able to negotiate with him. If he was to text and say oh I'm off tomorrow could I keep ds til lunchtime? I'd say yes no probs.
Ex does not work like this. He would say "I'm off tomorrow, ill drop ds off at 6pm".
Initially I'd offered every other Sunday along with 2 nights. Ex wore me down til I agreed to every Sunday(verbal abuse, threats, awkwardness etc). So I sent him a text saying exactly this-" ex.. I'm happy for you to have ds every Sunday from ten til 4. I initially didn't want u to due to you drinking lots on a Saturday but if u r prepared to cut down and spend day with ds then that's fine, we can start next week".
He replied exactly this-"I was going to have him every Sunday abyway, r u fucking stupid? Oh and Xmas eve falls on my over ought so looks like you won't be seeing your son til 6pm Xmas eve, didums".
This is what I deal with, day in, day out.
I'm perfectly reasonable, I've been flexible, fair etc but ex simply does not see that, everything that's wrong in his life is my fault.he does not take responsibility for anything.
So maybe I am taking a stand on the Friday, perhaps it's selfish.
I haven't brought up ds singlehanded to finally get a fabulous job which allows me to do toddlers/swimming etc to simply hand it to him if he fancies.
Also his work is erratic, he is a plumber. He could fit a heating system and have to work 2 full, long days or got a tap which could take him half an hour. I'm more than willing to wait around for him to finish up or whatever but sometimes he just wakes up and says he can't be bothered today so will put work off til the next day.
It was shit living like that when we were together so ill be damned to do it now I've left him!

I have a contact order in place for my exh to see DS. He doesn't stick to it (doesn't see him regularly at all).

X post. That OP is my exh to a tee, apart from the plumber bit.

Just so you are aware Bogey has it spot on. My exh represented himself in court and even though the judge told him to get representation and that he was highly likely to lose my exh still thought he could get what he wanted, he didn't.

Financial-can I ask how long it took to get the contact odrder in place?? Was there lots of tooing and froing to get there??
I think I bowed down to my solicitor and her status tbh, I plan to ring first thing just to clarify my stance. The lady from women's aid has said she will accompany me if I'd like her to, not sure how that would be viewed, thought I could articulate things ok myself and I obviously haven't. I just hope letter hasn't been sent yet

Should add that I now know my solicitor by his first name and I can quite honestly say that I would recommend him to anyone. He played my exh like a fiddle.

Oh and I'm certain he won't self represent, as said his family are going to get a "good" form to represent him. Surely any solicitor would see that what I've offered(well agreed to, it was ex's choice of nights) is fair?

Sorry lots of x posts, my solicitor was recommended to me but I'm having doubts as to whether she is lackin or whether I haven't been firm enough or been too emotive. Where are you financial if you don't mind me asking?

Spiteful, shitty little bully. He previously didn't give a shit about seeing DS on a Friday but now all of a sudden because you have the day off, he's started demanding that he has him instead? It will be fairly obvious to anyone involved that his new 'demand' is only because he is an abusive twat who is trying to spite you.

OP we started the process in the September and the order was finalised late March the following year. My circumstances were completely different to you though, I needed leave of jurisdiction (husband is forces) along with a residence (exh has history of taking off with DS) and a contact order. He has never stuck to the contact order, but I will not give an inch to him anymore (only took me 7 years to get in the right place).

It might be quicker for you depending on court availability. I have to be honest though, if you have one and he still does not bother and messes you around you are going to be hard pressed to do anything about it.

I was in Hampshire at the time.

My exh was earning in excess of 150kpa at the time. He had a solicitor who binned him when she realised what he was like. I had a barrister booked and ready to roll when he signed the papers. He only did because I told him how much a barrister costs for the day.

To be honest I was a bit sad. I was looking forward to my female barrister ripping him to shreds.

at vindictive bitch stage.