To not back down over Friday access?

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I've posted about my ex in relationships many times. I won't go into too much detail but will say he bullies ne and was emotionally abusive.
Since we split in August he has had 2 overnights and each Sunday. After the overnights I would pick ds up at 8 am to take him to nursery.
Ex has cancelled contact many times for social life/football etc.
I start a new job tomorrow with part time hours and will no longer be working Fridays. I've previously worked full time and tried very hard to get this job as it was so child friendly.
Ex is self employed and cannot garunteed when he will or won't be working( seems to work around football however).
Because I'm now off on a Friday ex is demanding the day with ds as part of his overnight contact, says he is missing out(although he never had Friday day time contact previously).
It's hard to communicate and reason with ex so I'm not happy waiting til Thursday evening to be told whether or not ex is off and therefore whether I'm getting ds or not.
I have spoken to my solicitor about this but an afraid I wasn't strong enough( got upset at appointment).
I'd like set time of 9am pick up on a Friday so I can take ds swimming etc and actually benefit from having the dy off which I've fought hard to get.
Aibu to insist on this even if ex is off?? There are no set times to his work and ex has even said if he has to work he will take ds to his grans.
Perspective greatly appreciated before I ring solicitor to re discuss.

Thank you, at the minute I just want it all to end. To be totally honest this is the reason I stayed for so long and put up with nasty nasty abuse, because I knew he would be like this.
Ex cancelled a whole Sunday and then didn't get out of bed til lunchtime on a other, this was all late December. In the letter to my solicitor he states I withheld contact and he "misses out on precious time with his son". It's so wrong I could laugh if he wAsnt deadly serious.
This is mostly my fault, I've been played like a fiddle and allowed it to happen.
I rang the police once, cos he was trying to get into house by attempting to smash a window with a drain pipe he pulled off the wall. This was after our split( he was staying elsewhere by mutual agreement for one week until I could move into my dads house). The policeman asked me if I felt I needed to tell them more(he was truly lovely) and I said no, they took him to where he was staying. The next morning I got a text saying "call the cops cunt".
I should have acted earlier, could have. Should have involved women's aid and health visitor and possibly gp. I'm left now feeling th boat has sailed and that if I act now it will look like I'm doing it out of spite or in retaliation to letter iykwim?
This is a man who regularly came home at 4/5/6 am and vomited all over our home. His family know this and are backing him

Lol at that financial!
And just to add ex hasn't paid child support since mid December.
I sent both him and his mum a text saying "if you would prefer to I will go through CSA to keep things formal." His letter stated I said I'd go through CSA as he was "getting a solicitor onto me" and reacted angrily with threats to go to CSA.
He has also said he shouldn't have to pay maintenance because I dont(?) apparently the government bring my child up.
I assume he means I get tax credits, never claimed benefits in my life and am currently renting a lovely home with my ds with absolutely no help from anyone.
Just to get another thing off my cheat(sorry I know this isn't time or place but I've started now and it feels good!) ds had issues with his walking, his feet were bent outwards quite badly. We were on NHS waiting list for physio when a physio friend of my dads offered to see ds privately at a reduced rate.
Ds saw him 6 times, it should have cost £250 and he squeezed us in at short notice around other appointments. In total I paid £90 to physio. He taped ds's feet up 6 times and ds walked, no problems, literally he helped ds so so much in such a short space of time at a greatly reduced rate.
Anyway I (stupidly) asked ex if he would mind contributing, he told me I was a scrounging bastard, he couldn't afford it as I'd left him with a mortgage to pay etc. He went to an away game at London the next day where match tickets alone were £50 and trains probably the same.

Listen you are not the first and will not be the last. When I left my exh I told him we were having a trial separation to appease him and it took me a further 6 months to truly break the circle. He abused me mentally, physically and sexually for 2 years prior to me walking. After I left he tried to destroy me, including making false allegations to the bank I worked for to try to get them to sack me. When you are that low, you would do anything for a quiet life. Then you have a lightbulb moment, which I think is now for you. You suddenly feel it has to be dealt with, and now. Just take care, and take your time.

As a matter of interest what would your ex do if you did turn up to pick your Dc up on a Friday morning?

If you need someone to rant to feel free to PM me but I can't give legal advice as I am not legally trained in this area. You really need good legal advice.

OP Get onto CSA, even if its only five pound a week its the principal of it.

Rant away. It is cathartic! Probably the wrong board but I am sure MNHQ will move to the appropriate board if required.

Agree with greg re the CSA

Thank you financial, I'm very sorry that you went through that and it gives me great strength and the hope I can get through this.at times I wish is stayed.
The single hardest thing for me to deal with is the fact that everything I've said here is true, there's more too. I've been so so fair and reasonable yet ex believes what he says, he believes I stop him seeing his son or having a relationship with him. It's hard to accept but I know I should, I want to tell the world what he is like and ask what they would do, how would they handle it.
A week after my poorly boy was discharged from hospital, still bruised and jaundiced and under 5lbs ex went out drinking, he came home at 6am, woke ds and vomited through the ENTIRE house.
I had to call his mum to come and get him as health visitor was due at 9am. On his way past me(holding ds) he got in my face and called me a cunt. Similar happened every weekend or most weekends anyway.
How can his mother then support him, even based on that alone??
It beggars belief

She is so used to enabling him she doesn't know any different now probably. Exh's mother was the same. My nickname for her is 'poisoned dwarf'.

My friends brother went through getting access, and it was tough for him, and she made it tough, and hes a good man, paying 250 a month for his son, and doing everything the courts ask.

So it would quite hard for OP's ex to demand.

It is sad. The guys that want it can't get it and the guys that get it don't want it obviously same could be said if Nrp is a woman, and obviously not in every case

Thankfully my husband has a decent working relationship with his ex so things are worked out by talking to each other. I just wish it was the norm as opposed to what seems to be a rarity.

Solicitor was recommended by a colleague who's ex husband was abusive. Initially I saw another solicitor within the same firm. She is now on indefinite leave so I've had one telephone appointment and one face to face contact with current solicitor.
She was firm and abrupt, said communication had clearly broken down and that the times now states should remove the need to communicate.
I stressed that ex is impossible to communicate effectively with, he is irrational and unreasonable. I got upset and remember saying " I cannot stress or emphasise how much of a bully he is".
She has stated she wants to see proof of his vehicle being taxed and insured and that he should limit his alcohol intake and go to bed at and agreeable time before contact.
I stressed that ex didn't have ds ready for me, she has put that in letter(that he should be). At one point before Xmas I took ds to nursery without him being washed, I was mortified. I asked nursery to clean him and brush his teeth. I cried at the nursery. Solicitor said this wasn't really an issue til ds started formal education!?
When ex gets his van sorted I assume he will request to take ds to nursery and do pick up or he may let me as its easier( I work very near to ds nursery) and its in a different town to our home town.
Tbh I'd prefer to take ds, I pay the nursery fees and it has been fabulous for him. I'm very lucky in that the nursery has been instrumental in helping ds to walk and really brought him out of his shell.
I realise this may where my "control" stops but I can imagine ex not bothering to take ds to nursrry(it's a ten minute drive) and simply taking him to his grans. I don't think this is suitable but I know ex will do it to simply get at me.
I need to go to solicitor to stop letter going out before I clarify my situation.
I have over 1000 texts from ex saves on an old phone as well as screenshots of facebook(I know!) stating he was up til 5.30 am then picking ds up at 10am(when van was ok).
I'm really really hoping I can stop solicitor sending out this letter but having had an appointment the other day with get I'm not sure what her reaction will be

Wow thank you, mums net has been amazing. It's been my crux and although I don't post prolifically I often drop in and the collective advice has been so so helpful.
After pick up tonight I felt down and stressed and its impacting upon my time with ds although I interact and have fun there's always a feeling of anxiety.
I went to solicitor on Thursday and we discussed details of a letter to be sent to confrm times as I'd previously not stated any times to help ex in his self employment. I'm hoping they haven't posted it yet and I can re clarify and be stronger an firmer.
My women's aid worker asked what I thought of solicitor and said she could recommend one, I also worry about how this will look??
I know I need to stand firm, the verbal and text abuse has stopped since his dm stepped in. I suspect it's because they realised I was keeping all texts.
He agreed to limit his alcohol and go to bed at a reasonable hour. Last night was his first chance to prove that(his mum lives abroad and has gone home so can't babysit him so to speak).
A friend tagged him in a post on Facebook at 3.30am. I dropped ds off at an agreed time and checked house was in reasonable state and had 30 seconds to judge whether ex was in a fit state. As ex didn't smell of alcohol, was dressed and everything was tidy I left ds. At least I know he won't drive with him.
This is another reason I want Fridays so badly, he doesn't really make the most of Sundays and would break my heart for my day off to be ram by him first.
I've just packed ds's overnight bag for tomorrow and it breaks my heart but if ex provides for him and plays with him and gives him cuddles ill cope. I just hope he is, I'm sure he is

^agree

Quick update. Rang solicitors office this morning and stated that Fridays are not negotiable.
Secretary said she would pass message on and I've just had call to confirm that letter has been sent saying ill be collecting at 8.45 am each Friday.
Hopefully ex won't have any come back as he has never had ds on a Friday. I may be able to compromise by suggesting he has ds early on a Thursday if work allows, meaning in suggesting an alternative.
Fingers crossed ex or ex's solicitor will see I'm being agreeable.
Probably not, I'm bracing myself for grief!

It would have been better for him to be at his dads on a Friday rather than at nursery. Would have helped financially and no skin off your nose. Seems strange he wants him now, when there is no benefit to you. The only thing it seems to be is spite, because you want him then.

Haven't read Op so sorry if repeating someone.

Ex has mostly worked a Friday, and if he hasn't then he hasn't ever asked to keep ds. I even checked with ds's nursery today who checked their registers and confirmed he had missed three Fridays. 2 of this were when I had annual leave and the other was when he was off poorly.
I have always paid nursery fees, I claim tax credits and arrange payment myself.
At the moment ds is booked in to a full time place, I receive a discount for booking a full time place so if I was to drop the Friday I'd lose the discount and would only pay £6 per week less. I've not dropped the Friday officially, just in case my job were to change hours, not likely but for difference of 6 quid it seems best way forward.
Ex texted me last night saying he was sad that we couldn't go in holidays as a family, I didn't reply but I know when he receives letter he will be all hostile again.

To confirm I will not send ds to nursery on a Friday. I'm so excited to have a day off to go to toddler groups and swimming and for walks along the coast.
Feel shit that I have to fight for that and justify it

Until ex gets a roadworthy vehicle him doing drop offs isn't an option.
I said earlier that even when he does have a van he will either take ds to his grans or ask me to take him as its out of way for ex.
If I collect after overnights I take him to nursery on my way to work, I know he is somewhere he loves being and is interacting and being kept busy.
I realise I cannot dictate this but I'd like to think we can come to some agreement as if not ds will be all over the place and when he is between 2 homes with different routines I feel it's important for him to have day time routine. I know this is my preference and may not carry any weight.
It's shit to think its come to this