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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take my children to Australia?

255 replies

Andro · 04/01/2013 19:48

I never thought I'd say this, but I really need the views of someone not connected to my situation.

Background: My DH and I are the adoptive parents of his sister's children (DS 9 and DD 5), we took them on after their parents were killed in a accident and the adoption was finalised just over a year ago. I couldn't love them more!

Problem: My in-laws live in Australia and are demanding that we take our DC to visit in the summer holidays, I've said no and now we are heading for war.

DS has a serious phobia of flying; not long before is DP died they were on a flight that had to make an emergency landing, he was bumped around pretty badly and he now has some serious problems. We didn't realise how bad his fear was (I don't think he knew either tbh) until we tried to take a flight to Ireland, the panic attack he had was so bad he had to be taken to hospital by ambulance, sedated until his vital signs stabilized and spent a few days there for observation. DS is now having treatment for his phobia, he is making progress but it's slow going and his therapist agrees that any flight right now would be counter-productive. My in-laws know all this, it has been explained to them in detail and both have acknowledged that over 24h of flight time for a phobic child is, and I quote "less than ideal".

Let battle commence: They have suggested that I should drug DS for the duration of the journey...I just about hit the roof! I have no problem with an adult choosing to take medication in order to travel, but to suggest I do that to a child? I don't even know if a doctor would agree to but in truth I don't care! My DH is in a lousy situation, he really wants to support me but is being emotionally blackmailed by his parents. I feel sorry for him really because his Mother really does know which buttons to press. She had tried everything from 'we haven't seen them since the funeral and we miss them terribly, we might not see them again if you don't bring them over' to 'it's not as if they're her (my) blood family, why should she have any say?' and just about everything in-between. DH is trying to hold strong but his Mother is getting to him and it's causing some heated discussions between us.

Summary: AIBU to refuse to consider drugging my DS in order to take him on a long haul flight?

(sorry for the mammoth post)

OP posts:
Badgersnatch · 05/01/2013 09:32

Wow! A unanimous YANBU. I feel so sorry for your son, I hope his GPs don't try to put pressure on him or make him feel guilty for his phobia. FWIW I think that drugging him sends out unhealthy messages about dealing with difficult situations in his future.

Original poster
Andro · 05/01/2013 16:35

Homebird8 - I have to admit, it has crossed my mind that they want to apply pressure about moving to Oz. The have mentioned it on 1 previous occasion but neither DH nor I want to move there. DH has a DB's in NZ and Scotland and a DSis in NYC.

DH and I had a long talk this morning whilst DC were at their karate lessons (major issues, discussed over a flask of coffee, in the car...it works for us even if it is a bit strange). He realised that he can't finesse his way around the situation and the matter would need to be settled calmly, decisively and with a united front. Whilst the comment about me not being 'blood kin' was dealt with in no uncertain terms, he also realised that this isn't the first time his DM has tried to undermine me - he's also worried that he may have unintentionally helped/appeared to encourage her and is feeling pretty guilty about it.

We have tried to shield DC from all this, but that came to an abrupt halt when DS came to me at lunch time, really upset because his DGM had called me a selfish, unreliable bitch...to a 9yo child! We ended up explaining that his DGM really wants us to go to OZ but we can't at the moment and she's lashing out because she's upset, we also made sure he was rewarded for bringing such a difficult issue to our attention so quickly so we could deal with it (it's part of the system we put in place to deal with any issues that arose as we grew into parent/children family as opposed to Aunt and Uncle with our nephew and niece - all feelings/emotions/concerns are real and okay to have, but Mamá and Papá can't help if you don't tell us what's going on!)

We spoke to DH's parents earlier this afternoon and they were told that we will not be flying to Oz any time in the near future and that DS's health and well being take priority. We have invited them to my family's holiday house but my MiL threw a strop and shut off the connection - what happens now is anybodies guess but at least my DH has made his position clear.

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks to everyone who has offered support, it is greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
clam · 05/01/2013 17:07

Your MIL told your ds tat you were a selfish, unreliable bitch??!!!! Shock Shock Shock

Well, screw that then. Even if your ds were to make a miraculous recovery and turn into an avid plane-spotter, she could kiss goodbye to any future trips from any of you. Stupid, stupid woman.

TheBOF · 05/01/2013 17:14

Yes, I would be tempted to give them an extended wide berth.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 05/01/2013 17:34

wow, you and your DH and your DCs sounds like a wonderful supportive loving healthy family! more healthy than many 100% "blood" families I know

your MIL must not be allowed to upset your DCs with language like that, FFS they've been through enough, how can a grandparent not see that the GCs come first, and you are putting them first. They are lucky to have you. I hope in time when the acute grief fades, they will see that.

Well done I think you've delt with this as well as possible

zeeboo · 05/01/2013 17:38

Your inlaws are barmy and clearly not used to putting their own needs second to those of the children. Your poor DsSad

MiraWard · 05/01/2013 17:45

When did she call him? Your ds I mean. It all sounds very upsetting.

Narked · 05/01/2013 17:51

I'm glad you and your DH are united on this one.

When/if your MIL stops being so selfish perhaps you could look at eg renting a large villa in Spain or France during the low season, so that they could stay there for a month, you could join them for a week or two and maybe their other DC could visit too. If it's genuinely too hard for them to face England, there are places that you could reach easily by ferry that should be different enough not to bring back bad memories for them.

Narked · 05/01/2013 17:54

Sorry, just realised you might not be in England. If you're in mainland Europe the train opens up even more options.

Original poster
Andro · 05/01/2013 17:57

Mira, they have (up until now at least) had a regular Saturday skype chat - DS and then DD. I have encouraged this so that they maintain contact. The computer used is in a corner of the main family room - so that DH and I can monitor what is being viewed online - and it was just one of things that today I was in the kitchen whilst he was talking to my MiL.

I'm not going to 'lay down the law' and ban contact (for the time being at least - she upsets DS again and all bets are off), but there will be no more chats without me or DH being in the room. DS also doesn't want to talk to her now because she was 'mean about his Mamá', DH and I will have to discuss that issue tonight.

OP posts:
OscarPistoriusBitontheside · 05/01/2013 18:01

For what it's worth I think you and your DH are amazing people android parents sound bloody idiots.

TheBOF · 05/01/2013 18:03

Yes, hopefully ferries are not a contentious issue- that's a good idea. Are you Spain-based then (from the "Mamá")? There are certainly many many opportunities for a family holiday there that wouldn't involve being near the site of the accident, should you wish to.

TheBOF · 05/01/2013 18:05

(Your English is really excellent btw- I wonder if there's been something lost in translation with the insulting remarks? That's also a possibility.)

verytellytubby · 05/01/2013 18:12

Your in laws sound unhinged.

Stay strong. You sound like wonderful parents.

MiraWard · 05/01/2013 18:13

Andro - I am guessing you are not in Europe at all....

Original poster
Andro · 05/01/2013 18:15

I'm Irish/Italian, brought up in England and equally fluent in both English and Italian.

It was DS who asked if he and DD could call us Mamá and Papá, he wanted to clearly state that we're their parents, but didn't want to use Mum and Dad because that what he called his birth parents. He also thought Mamá and Papá sounded nice and added bedded of 'me' into the family and that's how I address my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Andro · 05/01/2013 18:16

Mira, I'm in England.

OP posts:
Original poster
Andro · 05/01/2013 18:17

He also thought Mamá and Papá sounded nice and added bedded of 'me' into the family and that's how I address my parents.

Should have read:

He also thought Mamá and Papá sounded nice and bedded some of 'me' into the family as that's how I address my parents.

OP posts:
Narked · 05/01/2013 18:18

Your DS sounds really lovely. It's perfect idea.

Blu · 05/01/2013 18:24

Andro, how very upsetting.
Of course your ILs are dreading returning to a scene they must have found impossible to cope with.
And of course your DS is building barriers to flying and transport - he knows that things are really not alright, and that catastrophe can and does ensue on occasion. Poor, poor child.
It's terrible that he must know that he is part of all this upset in the family.

You and your DH sound amazing.

I hipe they will actually come round and accept an invitation to your P's house. Maybe keep offering them kindliness in the invitation while having no truck with their hostility. Though the comments to your DS were really completely unacceptable.

thelittlestkiwi · 05/01/2013 18:24

What a horribly unpleasant woman your MIL is.

Well done on being the bigger person. I couldn't do it.

Glad your OH is on side as a united front is defo what is needed in this situation. I doubt your kids would benefit from spending time with this woman at the moment. Perhaps now is a good time to start limiting contact for a while. It shouldn't be so hard if they are in Oz.

MiraWard · 05/01/2013 18:24

Oh - sorry I assumed you must be in a similar timezone to you PILs. Otherwise you would have called them in the middle of the night - 2am or something...

RandomMess · 05/01/2013 18:27

Goodness your MIL is selfish and unpleasant Sad

MiraWard · 05/01/2013 18:30

I assumed as you were using the Spanish spellings that you were in South America or somewhere.

nannyof3 · 05/01/2013 18:31

Drugging a small child? Really? He could die....

Why cant she come to you!!??

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