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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take my children to Australia?

255 replies

Andro · 04/01/2013 19:48

I never thought I'd say this, but I really need the views of someone not connected to my situation.

Background: My DH and I are the adoptive parents of his sister's children (DS 9 and DD 5), we took them on after their parents were killed in a accident and the adoption was finalised just over a year ago. I couldn't love them more!

Problem: My in-laws live in Australia and are demanding that we take our DC to visit in the summer holidays, I've said no and now we are heading for war.

DS has a serious phobia of flying; not long before is DP died they were on a flight that had to make an emergency landing, he was bumped around pretty badly and he now has some serious problems. We didn't realise how bad his fear was (I don't think he knew either tbh) until we tried to take a flight to Ireland, the panic attack he had was so bad he had to be taken to hospital by ambulance, sedated until his vital signs stabilized and spent a few days there for observation. DS is now having treatment for his phobia, he is making progress but it's slow going and his therapist agrees that any flight right now would be counter-productive. My in-laws know all this, it has been explained to them in detail and both have acknowledged that over 24h of flight time for a phobic child is, and I quote "less than ideal".

Let battle commence: They have suggested that I should drug DS for the duration of the journey...I just about hit the roof! I have no problem with an adult choosing to take medication in order to travel, but to suggest I do that to a child? I don't even know if a doctor would agree to but in truth I don't care! My DH is in a lousy situation, he really wants to support me but is being emotionally blackmailed by his parents. I feel sorry for him really because his Mother really does know which buttons to press. She had tried everything from 'we haven't seen them since the funeral and we miss them terribly, we might not see them again if you don't bring them over' to 'it's not as if they're her (my) blood family, why should she have any say?' and just about everything in-between. DH is trying to hold strong but his Mother is getting to him and it's causing some heated discussions between us.

Summary: AIBU to refuse to consider drugging my DS in order to take him on a long haul flight?

(sorry for the mammoth post)

OP posts:
SugarplumMary · 04/01/2013 20:45

drugged him up to the eyeballs he would spend the whole time in Australia terrified of the flight back.

I had that entire first trip abroad I did - I was an adult.

I had physical pain and couldn't sleep in days leading up to return flight - my second flight.

In my case my distress at flying was anxiety about new experience of flying but also I realised subsequently feeling very claustrophobic in flight out jammed in small window seat three seats in. So flight back wasn't as bad as I feared but those last few days away were hell.

YABNU ? you just can?t do it yet - few years after treatment it may well be a different story.

Get them to come over.

HexGirl · 04/01/2013 20:46

Oh my, what a terrible situation. First of all OP you sound a wonderful, caring and sensitive person. Your PIL should grateful that their DGC are being cared for by such a wonderful person.

You are definitely NBU in refusing to travel so far at this stage. I am a nervous flyer at the best of times but I have never been in the same situation as your DS has been.

I can see that grief has perhaps blunted your PIL's sensitivity so I would take that into account. I agree that booking a cottage elsewhere w

HexGirl · 04/01/2013 20:49

Gag, posted too soon! Yes, suggest booking a cottage elsewhere. If even being in the UK is too hard would Eurostar or ferry to France and staying there be a possibility?

ChasedByBees · 04/01/2013 20:54

((Chandon)) I felt that story deserved a hug, it sounds horrendous.

SquinkiesRule · 04/01/2013 20:55

They say it would be too upsetting to come back to the place where their DD died (we live a few minutes away from the accident site).
Then she can drug herself to get through that!
YANBU she would rather put the grandchild through trauma than be an adult. Silly woman, and the not blood comment is unforgivable.

Chandon · 04/01/2013 20:56

Thaks. i still feel a bit shaken by it. We will not be flying again for quite a few years.

RollingThunder · 04/01/2013 21:06

Ok, so he has lost his parents, he is so afraid of flying, that he ends up hospitalised after a short flight and your inlaws want him to do something that he is terrified of and that traumatises him, for 24 hours!!

Because if their trauma? So they are saying their trauma is worse than his?

Aren't they meant to be the adults? And protect their grandchild?

Montybojangles · 04/01/2013 21:12

So glad you have got him such prompt treatment, I'm sure it will take a while as they have had such a lot to deal with.
Hats off to you and DH for being such lovely, caring people.
Holiday cottage scenario sounds the perfect solution to me. I'm glad that the children have someone like you two to put their needs first before others.

PiccadillyCervix · 04/01/2013 21:23

If they actually cared about your dc they woudl not expect you to do it or they would pay for you to take a cruise or something.

They can come and visit you in a hotel somewhere in the UK

OhlimpPricks · 04/01/2013 21:33

YOU ARE THEIR MOTHER. and a bloody good Mum by the sounds of it.

MulledwineGless · 04/01/2013 21:40

Ando
I have written and rewritten a number of replies but I can't add to what other posters have said. You are a wonderful mother and keep caring for your son just as you have been

3birthdaybunnies · 04/01/2013 21:41

Whilst obviously the GP want to see your children, if the grief is so raw for them you also need to be aware and maybe discuss with the psychologist the possible impact on the children. As others have said MIL sounds somewhat unstable, if she hasn't seen them since the funeral they will have moved on in the ?1-2 years, particularly the 5yr old will only have sparse memories beyond those which I'm sure you keep alive for them.

It could be quite hard to manage a v emotional adult whom she has probably only memories of on skype. They might try to bring the children back to their own unresolved levels of grief. I would agree to go to a neutral place where the children feel safe, but make sure that you have lots of excuses to give the children (and you) some space.

It is great that your ds is making such positive progress, and hopefully he will make the journey one day, but to be fair on him I would try to delay it until he can make a much more informed decision (?14+) then he will feel more in control, short flights are different, but this is over 24hrs. Get dh to tell the GP that so you can close the book on it for 5 years or so, and making no promises even then.

LilyVonSchtupp · 04/01/2013 21:46

Your poor DS. Sad I hope his therapy goes well. You sound like a wonderful caring empathetic person. I hope your PILs find it in themselves (maybe after counselling themselves) to visit their GCs.
YADNBU.

ScarlettInSpace · 04/01/2013 22:09

YA definitely absolutely under no circumstances are being the slightest bit U!
The GPs on the other hand... Wow, unbelievable.

Homebird8 · 04/01/2013 22:40

Another voice here echoing all everyone has said. If I were your son I would want you on my side!

Just a probably very unreasonable thought flitting through my head. Any chance they could want their DS and his family in Oz to put pressure on you all to move there? Does your DH have other siblings than the DSis he too lost?

Mia4 · 04/01/2013 22:58

YANBU. They should see this thread, I hope they are stupid enough to post on Gransnet and get their arses handed to them.

theplodder · 05/01/2013 00:17

All the best to you, op. I hope your Ds therapy goes well. He shouldn't travel now but it would be a shame if the phobia stopped you flying longer term.

peaceandlovebunny · 05/01/2013 00:20

send for the grandparents but get them a rented house nearby so they don't drive you mad. you've totally bonded with your children and you know what is right for them. trust your own judgement.

sashh · 05/01/2013 03:01

Either the grandparents visit you or could your dh and dd visit Australia?

It might help ds with his phobia if little sister comes back raving about everything she has done with dh and dgps.

Then maybe in a year or two ds could make the trip, either with you all as a family or with just one of you.

Assuming you can afford the flights that is.

It is just about possible to get to Australia without flying, but takes about 2 months

www.seat61.com/Australia-overland.htm#.UOeXAHfsPFQ

I quite fancy the train/bus journey to Singapore myself.

YANBU OP. It is a stupid suggestion and GP probably realises that now.

boomting · 05/01/2013 03:44

YANBU. They are BVU and don't seem to have your DS' best interests at heart. If they 'can't stand' to be near the accident site, then could you all go on holiday together somewhere else?

You could go to somewhere like Devon / Cornwall, or even to France via the chunnel or ferry. There are lots of options that don't require flying or going to your home.

McNewPants2013 · 05/01/2013 03:56

I have a huge fear of flying, even reading your post i feel my heart beating faster.

There is many place i would wish to travel to but there is no fucking way anyone is getting me onto a plane.

support your DS because he comes 1st

MarshaBrady · 05/01/2013 04:18

Your poor ds. No don't go, they will have to visit you. Holiday house sounds like a good idea.

TraceyTrickster · 05/01/2013 08:39

I am amazed that your IL can be so bloody cheeky as to say they are too traumatised to be near the accident site but are willing to traumatise a child who cannot rationalise as an adult can.

I am in Aus and I find the journey a pain. Someone migrated here with a child with autism...he hated the flight over. They decided to return to UK and found they could not get their child on a plane without huge fuss and the plane had to turn back. They eventually had to sail back to UK. You would not want to be in that type of position.

Good luck with telling the IL to take a hike.

Rosa · 05/01/2013 08:44

Agree YANBU at all... Inlaws should fly over in holiday time and pay for you all to have a break away so she doesn't have to be near the place where her dd died...

HildaOgden · 05/01/2013 09:03

The suggestion of the gp's flying over to a neutral place in the UK is the best one,I think.You can all begin to make fresh,happier shared memories.

I personally wouldn't encourage dh to bring dd on his own,not only would it be upsetting for the siblings to be apart but it also puts you in the role of 'babysitter',not parent,and would further alienate you from the family.

I think the GPs are being incredibly selfish,grief or not.Stand your ground on this one and continuing working together as a unit to helping your ds through his trauma.Don't let the selfishness of 2 adults interfere with that.