To be a traditional sahm ??

[ProudMum4Eva]

I personal have never been flamed for my choice in life, however I see many people who continuously get some sort of insult for their life choices. So here I thought I would share all for the first time.
I am 34 years old I got married at 18 straight from college. I am happily married with five wonderful children who I adore and do everything for. I have NEVER worked (outside the family home) my DH has always worked. He works traditional hours leaves about 8:10 mon-fri and is home for around 5:30. I do everything in the home cleaning, cooking, bathing the younger children, ironing and so on. I dote on my children and my husband. I love it they do not need to help me in the house I look after them and that is what I am good at.

I was a stay-at-home-mum. I gave up work and did all the traditional wife things. It worked for us. I was happy, he was happy, kids were happy, dogs were happy, everybody happy. (although the kids did have chores to do). Then the younger skinnier prettier flashier model came along and after 20 years I was out on my ownio. It isn't good. It isn't easy. I would never ever ever recommend my daughters to be a stay-at-home-mum. I have nothing. No life. No friends. A minimum wage job which is awful and depressing because I never had the 20years that he had to build a career. It is soul destroying.

recharge thas awful for you and i sympathise but its not like that for everyone,i would never tell my daughter not to sahm,i would tell them to do what makes them happy.

Something seems to be missing from all this -

marriage as a mutual lifelong covenant (i.e. stronger than a contract). This can give a different perspective and a lot more security than many seem to enjoy in UK today.

[Dons hard hat and runs for cover in nuclear bunker ....]

Amber - if it makes them happy then at the very least I would express my reservations very strongly and I'd tell them to put in place protection for themselves, a separate pot of money that is theirs alone. A "wage" and a "pension" for being a SAHM, if that makes sense.

As far as a lifelong covenant, Avuncular, what do you mean? In my case we were together a long time and I never imagined we would split.

I don't think that having a SAHM affects whether you can run your own home in the future . My mother mostly worked , I am naturally bone idle. I am good at running a home but naturally lazy. My siblings are all, with one exception , utterly useles at running their own home . My DH mother was always at home , he runs a home with military precision and makes up for my sloth like ways .

Many dual income families have cleaners etc, which could result in their children doing very little .

"I wouldn't have minded being an SAHM if I had plenty of money to swan around lunching and buying clothes. And afforded help in the house. Also getting up at the crack of dawn to travel a long way to work and then treck home again and hardly see the DC's wouldn't be great either."

Absolutely!

What Secondcoming said.

"Many dual income families have cleaners etc, which could result in their children doing very little."

I know an awful lot of DCs whose parents have masses of help in the house. I just hope that those DCs will grow up to earn as much as their parents do and can afford the same lifestyle, of paid work and expensive play and no chores to get in the way.

And proudmum - you are 34. When I was 34 I would have written exactly what you did. I wouldn't write it now. Life has a habit of not working out exactly how you plan it.

Beaverfeaver Has there been very much negativity towards SAHMs on this thread? I've seen some people pointing out some of the practical issues that may or may not affect SAHMs but the only real negativity has been to do with the concept of 'doing everything' for your DCs rather than being a SAHM per se.

Combatting negativity towards SAHMs by being negative about WOHM's choices (I also saw friends growing up without mothers being there all the time and they weren't the happiest of people.) doesn't really help though, does it? Two wrongs don't make a right.

In fact I actually find that comment offensive and insensitive. But then I have seen first-hand the effect that the death of a parent can have on a small child.

OP Great you have faith in your DH. I am sure he deserves it. I think what some of the posters are getting at, is the problem with the 'traditional' lens of looking at being a mother and a wife can collide with the 'modern' world. i.e - to expect just the DH to be the one that has to worry about putting food on the table, keep his job, ensure your joint future is ok - can be dangerous and naive. Many of us love cooking, ensuring we are providing our children with great memories of their childhood etc.(behaving in what I think you are saying is a traditional way) but we also want to help provide the income that makes their lives possible, not just clean up after them.

recharge your experience is also part of being a traditional SAHM, sadly. Just look into history. Men has always wanted to trade for a younger model.

I don't buy the 'whatever makes you happy' life motto. That's what my MIL is like and she really really irritates me with her justification on her stupidity with money. (She's a lovely woman otherwise). She would remortgage the house for a foreign holiday, took on hire purchases, buy double glazing with a high interest loan, because it 'makes her happy'. They are now retired and they don't even own half of their house. DH and I are worried she'll lose the house if FIL dies because they can't afford the mortgage with one state pension.

But if money is no objection, then yes, I think many would like to SAH. I think my DH wants to too. He talks about how he'd quit work if he won the lottery.

Kim147 - yes, I had no worthwhile qualifications (I'm working on that now but it's hard) I had no job experience all I had done was volunteering at playgroup. My friends were all intertwined with my husband my best friend was his sister. It's hard. I wish I had worked during my marriage, at least part time to be honest. And even now it's expected that I will do all the doctor appointments, all the days off if they are sick, all the run of the mill day to day stuff and sometimes it's hard for me to get the time off and he just doesn't expect ever to have to take time off because he never ever did and he's not used to it.

It made, with hindsight, for a very unequal marriage, it certainly didn't make for a partnership.

Oh I type so slowly . OneLittleToddlingTerror yes I agree. All too typical of the traditional SAHM set up.

And so slow again!

Kim147 - I agree totally. That's what I'm trying to say, that being a SAHM doesn't make for an equal relationship. It doesn't make for an equal partnership.

I totally agree permanentlyexhausted.

It's a really cheap jibe to start throwing around comments like 'mothers not being there all the time'.

The situation where a parent (either mother or father) genuinely isn't there, either through death or genuine estrangement is extremely sad. Having parents who work is not remotely comparable. Working is a normal fact of life for most adults. The op is the exception in having left school and never ever had a paid job in her entire life (and it's an exception many of us wouldn't choose)

Parents who work are still the primary carers for their children. They are still the most central people in their children's lives. They remain the biggest influence. And hey- their children grow up perfectly well adjusted and happy and successful.

So stay at home if it makes you happy and fulfilled and your partner is happy to work to enable you that lifestyle. But dont try to make any claim that it will make your children happier OP. Do it because it suits you and you don't want to work and because youve found a partner who is willing to do the stuff you don't want to and vice versa

Permanently
I agree about that comment
I wasn't so happy about my mum not being there all the time during my teenage years because she inconveniently got cancer and died.

OP - glad you're happy. I hope you have protected yourself financially, see the thread linked to earlier on being a SAHM for some ideas, if you haven't already made provisions. DH is a SAHD (now starting a business) and I protected our family income so if something happens to me, he and the children will be OK.

My view on children doing jobs around the house etc is that it is good for the child to take responsibility and also I wouldn't want my sons growing up thinking that it is a woman's role to tidy up after a bloke. (Hopefully, when my sons grow up, they will have partners who will secretly appreciate that!).

Whatever makes you happy. I worked for the first 15 years of ds1s life and until ds2 was 7. I became a sahm when ds3 was born.

They do help around the house because I think it's important but they probably do more now I'm at home than when I was working as I have more time to teach them to cook and they're in the house more than they were when I worked.

My mum was a sahm, it didn't do us any harm. Both me and my dsis trained as nurses, worked and are able to cook/clean etc even though our mum did everything for us. Being a sahm to daughters doesn't mean they won't work and have careers.

My mum went back to work when we were 14 and 10

i really hate this whole working mum vs sahm.My mil is always goingon about it,my dhs sil has 6 kids and is a headteacher,number 6 is a few days old and shes going back to workin march,not really what i would want to do but from what i can see they are all happy,the kids are lovely,well behaved,responsible and kind.

I am sahm of 4 and i do so because i like it,my dearns plenty for us both and if he ever ditched me for a "younger shinier model" i would be minted anywayso that side of it doesnt worry me.

I think there is no right or wrong way,years ago women HAD to sahm and i imagine a lot of them really hated it,and their kids probably didnt benefit from that,at least now the ones who dont want a career too can do so and surely a happy mother is better than an unhappy resentful one?(and vice cersa,dont go to work if you really want to be at home!)

sorry that should of been dh earns

Amber I would advise you to check your figures very very carefully. I seriously doubt if your DP ditched you for a younger shinier model you'd be minted.