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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a traditional sahm ??

865 replies

ProudMum4Eva · 02/01/2013 22:16

I personal have never been flamed for my choice in life, however I see many people who continuously get some sort of insult for their life choices. So here I thought I would share all for the first time.
I am 34 years old I got married at 18 straight from college. I am happily married with five wonderful children who I adore and do everything for. I have NEVER worked (outside the family home) my DH has always worked. He works traditional hours leaves about 8:10 mon-fri and is home for around 5:30. I do everything in the home cleaning, cooking, bathing the younger children, ironing and so on. I dote on my children and my husband. I love it they do not need to help me in the house I look after them and that is what I am good at.

OP posts:
InNeedOfBrandy · 03/01/2013 08:31

I meant with a decent job bringing in a decent wage I don't see how it could be where you don't ever work late and no weekends.

HecatePropolos · 03/01/2013 08:32

Wouldn't that be lovely, Doing? Grin
OP - live the life that makes you and your family happy.

That's your right. And I don't think anyone has the right to mock you for making that choice. Just as you would not have the right to mock anyone for making a different choice.

however. You (jointly with your husband) also have a responsibility to your children and that responsibility is this -

To release into the world, fully functioning, capable, independent adults.

Now. Can you honestly say that your children, when grown, would be able to walk out of your home, rent/buy a place of their own and throw themselves without struggle into the washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking, bill paying, budgeting 'fun' that is adulthood?

Is their upbringing equipping them with those independent living skills?

SPBInDisguise · 03/01/2013 08:41

OP I'm happy you're doing what works for you, but do you feel you dedicate your life to your family? Most SAHMs (and WOHMs) get a chance to do something that is not, for want of a better word, drudgery (and I'm including day to day WOH in that too).

gimmecakeandcandy · 03/01/2013 08:52

You have teenagers who don't do anything???? I don't think you are doing them any favours by not giving them some chores. No wonder so many kids of today are so bloody lazy and irresponsible (I know, a generalisation - you know what I mean). I had chores from an early age and it was one of the best things my parents did for me. When my kids are older they will to and even now they have to tidy their toys away etc.

NumericalMum · 03/01/2013 08:54

Being devil's advocate OP but have you got a contingency plan for if something like illness or death strikes your partner. I know it isn't a nice thought but with a lot of kids and only one breadwinner it could be tricky if you don't.

gimmecakeandcandy · 03/01/2013 08:57

There is nothing wrong with being a sahm - I'm a freelance designer so am around for my kids in the day so I am sort of a sahm too and love it. You are not insulting anyone or working mums - if this is your first aibu you'll soon get I to it! But you should give your kids some chores/responsibility as it is good for them to help you and it is respectful to you to do so and will teach them more - you don't want any boys you have to think they should leave it all to their wives do you?!

Badvoc · 03/01/2013 09:05

Hmmm...
I have been sahm for the last decade through choice.
However, I really don't see how you can be so happy when you don't have any experience of the alternative?
I know for example, that I never want to work in an office again, or in retail.
I do know that I want to go back to learning so have restarted my degree course with the OU.
I also do voluntary work.
My kids won't always need me as much as they do now...they will grow you and have their own lives.
And I am going to make sure I have one too.

Beaverfeaver · 03/01/2013 09:12

I don't understand the negativity towards SAHM's on here.

My mum has never worked. There were 4 of us. We are all in our 20's now.
Even though she was always at home we all still learned how to look after ourselves from a young age. I moved out at 20 and there were o problems.
We all had skills and talents that had been nurtured well and were also very social people.

I also saw friends growing up without mothers being there all the time and they weren't the happiest of people.

The family has gained 4 nieces/nephews in the past year, 2 out if 4 of the mothers will be SAHM'S.

I think good for them. I still don't know how it will work out for us as I think I would need the work element to have a bit of independence, not that it's ever been a problem so far

ivykaty44 · 03/01/2013 09:14

Op can I ask - have you ever had a pay check? I can remember getting my first job and being given a little brown envelope at the end of the first week and being so pleased as punch with it.

I think I am just in awe that you have possibly never had a pay check Shock

peaceandlovebunny · 03/01/2013 09:14

i think the negativity is down to envy - a lot of people go to work because they have to, not because they find it soooo wonderrrfullly fulfilling.

also mumsnetters are pack animals - 'different' scares them and makes them gang up and attack.

Badvoc · 03/01/2013 09:39

Well, you have to remember that MN isn't real life.
It's an online forum with predominantly south east/London membership.
I don't look to others to validate my life choices.
And certainly not MN but I do find the huge pool of experience And knowledge in MN invaluable.
Just dont ever post in Aibu! :)

janey68 · 03/01/2013 09:48

What an utterly pointless first post.
You enjoy never having had a job, staying at home and doing all the housework and child related chores. Well- good for you! It wouldn't suit a lot of us, and personally I wouldn't want to raise my children with the expectation that mum does every little chore for them and that dads role is just to earn. Many couples want more balance between their roles. And the idea of being 34 and never having worked would worry me as personally I think that's very limiting

But if it floats your boat (and your husband and kids who are just as important) then good for you.
But I still fail to see why you started the thread ... Maybe boredom? Wanting to provoke a bunfight?

Arisbottle · 03/01/2013 10:07

I find by job wonderfully fulfilling , I would still rather be at home looking after my family .

I am happy to admit to envying the OP

Avuncular · 03/01/2013 10:25

predominantly south east/London membership

Show of hands, anyone?

LindyHemming · 03/01/2013 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arisbottle · 03/01/2013 10:31

Well we are all different , I don't see any need to he unpleasant or disparaging to the OP because she has made different choices.

charlottehere · 03/01/2013 10:36

All well and good if you are all happy however by doing everything for your dcs you are not teaching them anything tbh.

Arisbottle · 03/01/2013 10:39

I agree , although to be honest when I am not working the children tend to do more because we all have more time and I am less stressed . In term time it is often quicker to just do it myself .

PessaryPam · 03/01/2013 10:47

Giving up your career to stay home and full time parent is a high risk strategy. I was advised against it by my Mum as she had seen too many of her friends left high and dry after their husbands left. My DH and I both work and we are happy that if either of us had an accident or illness the other could support the family. But that's just our decision. I have always been independent and hate not earning my own money although all we have goes into a joint account.

allnewtaketwo · 03/01/2013 10:49

"Then one day DH and me shall move to a sunny climate and enjoy our golden years"

But won't you be on tap to help out your children with their own children? Won't they expect mum to help them out as always? Wink They're going to feel terribly let down to be expected to do it all themselves (unless you have all boys and off course they will expect their wives to take over where you left off).

PessaryPam · 03/01/2013 10:49

When I say my own money I mean contributing money. I am happy with the joint account and we both freely use it but discuss big items as and when.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast · 03/01/2013 10:51

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your Eva ProudMum - I think your NN is lovely - always remembering her.

I can't really understand why some people have given you a bit of a hard time on here. I think those of us who are happier with our own choices can accept more easily when someone else has made a different choice. Whatever works for you all is the way I see it !

I guess I can understand people wondering what the point of your initial post was - (though I think you've said you were just hoping to hear from other SAHM's on MN for one thing), and others who just wanted to advice you that you might need to work one day, or that it would be good for your older children to learn to contribute to family life more.

I hope you don't regret starting the thread but have found it interesting and/or helpful. I think you have to be brave to post in AIBU ! It might have gone differently if posted elsewhere - such as in Chat ? Xmas Smile

Viviennemary · 03/01/2013 10:58

It's up to the individual. And it depends on what their life is like. I wouldn't have minded being an SAHM if I had plenty of money to swan around lunching and buying clothes. And afforded help in the house. Also getting up at the crack of dawn to travel a long way to work and then treck home again and hardly see the DC's wouldn't be great either. So a lot of people compromise. What works for some doesn't work for others.

PrettyHairClips · 03/01/2013 11:10

OP you sound like my mum (who I no longer talk to). She did nothing to equip me for the adult world, and consequently I've spent most of my adult life struggling and feeling confused and intimidated by responsibilities. You are doing your children a great disservice by doing everything for them, and I say this as one of those kids.

concreteskies · 03/01/2013 11:15

I don't think it's necessarily true that children will grow up to be dependent and lack life skills if they aren't given chores. My siblings and I were never given chores and that was quite a common experience amongst my schoolfriends, but we've all grown up to be fully functioning adults capable of running our homes! They were part of the skills you pick up during your student years.

I was a sahm for many years and I have never had a conventional job either, except p/t work as a student, and now I do some work for DH's company. It's a valid choice as far as I'm concerned. My DSis hated being a sahm, although they could afford it - she liked being in the office and returned to work after three months, which of course is fine too.