To be a traditional sahm ??

[ProudMum4Eva]

I personal have never been flamed for my choice in life, however I see many people who continuously get some sort of insult for their life choices. So here I thought I would share all for the first time.
I am 34 years old I got married at 18 straight from college. I am happily married with five wonderful children who I adore and do everything for. I have NEVER worked (outside the family home) my DH has always worked. He works traditional hours leaves about 8:10 mon-fri and is home for around 5:30. I do everything in the home cleaning, cooking, bathing the younger children, ironing and so on. I dote on my children and my husband. I love it they do not need to help me in the house I look after them and that is what I am good at.

And there is much much more to having a life than being minted. Seriously. All the money in the world wouldn't have replaced my friends or got me a fulfilling job. Or made me happy.

Seeing that I'm going in for an op in January, it is a relief to reflect that I am loved by my family, that I am wanted by them, but that I am not indispensable; if anything were to go wrong, or if my problem was more serious (which it is not), it is reassuring to reflect that they would cope well on their own. In the same way, when dh was handed his redundancy letter before Christmas it was a relief to him to know that I am qualified and would be able to help support the family.

It doesn't imply any lack of faith in marriage as an institution to realise that one of you may fall ill or otherwise unable to perform their usual role. Dh is a thoroughly reliable person, but not so reliable he can't get cancer or be run over by a bus. I'm reliable too, but not to the point of being able to guarantee I will always be in good health.

My MIL is like the OP (has to feel needed) and now with grown up children, she is always trying to 'help' in order to feel 'needed'. It's a pain in the arse. She also did everything for them and as a result my DH left home completely clueless about cooking, cleaning etc etc. It's not good. I will teach DS how to clean things properly and how to cook basic meals and so on and hopefully my future DIL will thank me for it ;) I also encourage DH to do stuff around the house as I don't want DS growing up watching me do all the chores while DH sits on his backside!

I agree with that point recharge. A fulfilling life comes about in all sorts of ways- often its a mix of things, being a parent, friendships, interesting career, hobbies. There's a hell of a lot more to life than thinking 'I'll be minted if my husband leaves me!!' And anyway, it's also absolutely correct that many women seriously over estimate how well off they would be financially anyway. Even when it comes to their own pension provision the stats show that a scary number of women have made inadequate provision and just assume erroneously that they'll get their husbands if he dies first. And that's without even starting on women who are left high and dry when their husband leaves them

Janey68 I agree. In my case my exH is self-employed in his family business which has a very very good accountant. This gave us a good standard of living when we were together. However, the assets of the business are well protected and on paper he owned very little and drew a very small salary. I receive very little maintenance, although he does pay it, which I realise is better than many. And yes I could take it to court and fight it out but the only winners then would be the solicitors and I might lose and it would damage the relationship we have now where we can work together fairly well for the children.

Am constantly baffled by these threads,what is the issue here?

The OP seems happy doing it her way,Its definitely not my way,but the OP would most likely hate my life being a single parent,working as a Teacher and studying for my masters.

I don't want her life she doesn't want mine,sorted we can both stay where we are.

What does your dh do to support 7 people on such short hours? (genuinely curious, I would like such a job)

My dp works 8-4.30 in construction and this supports 6 of us.

The other thing I wanted to say was that once your "D"H starts to have an affair or meets someone else or decides to leave because you're too grumpy or too fat or too old - they aren't your DH anymore. That person you are in a marriage with, they don't exist anymore. They are a different person and they won't behave in the way you have come to expect. Because they aren't that person any more. So all the guarantees and stuff they've said in the past - it's out the window it's gone it doesn't mean anything anymore- because the person who said it isn't that person in front of you not anymore.

So the how you think it'll be or the how you and him discussed it would be if you ever split - it won't happen like that because the "D"H you're dealing with isn't the DH that was in your bed for 20 years.

I'm a SAHM, quite comfortably so.

I have always been in paid employment since the age 14. I stopped working at 34 after 11 working in a profession to middle management level.

I found it hard to relax actually not working the first year. I've since had my second dc, which was and is completely different to the very stressful time I had with dc1 when working. TBH I don't think I would have conceived even.

I'm happy traditional roles at the moment, it works for us I feel I emable my DH to go out every day and work long hours in demanding job. He had the opportunities and greater earning potential, he could not do his job if I did not do his share of parenting.

I'm happy with this as DH used to be primary parent as he worked less hours than me previously and did more domestically on a daily basis. For us it has been a case of interchanging when needed to do so in response to circumstances.

Sadly I also had the benefit of a temporary separation, things got pretty bad, so I know how vulnerable the lower/non earner can be financially speaking. I don't think I could hop back in to a middle management role but I could do some consultancy and earn decent money to support myself and kids, though probably not to the level we live at now.

Throughout this I have been studying a part time degree which I feel is an investment in my future and will offer broader port unities when I return to work. I have also found it very nourishing to do this aside from the baby groups etc.

So in all I've been on both sides of the fence ft/pt and I found each to have its benefits and drawbacks for your chilld, family, yourself. It just think its important to do what's best for all three based on what choices you have available,a d I know some have few or none.

I do intend to return to work and will earn less than what I would be had I not had the career break and I know my pension is reduced and currently dormant. So there still lies the inequalities as I see it, but I'm pleased I have something behind. Having said! that, like many in my generation have had babies later, I will need to work longer and know I might not be in as good health when my grandchildren are born.

I don't think a best way exists.

That's true recharge a good does of reality there. This is. What happened to me for the short time was painful beyond belief, stressful and yes shocking at who my DH became. We recovered and are happy now, but by god I had my eyes opened and learnt some lessons.

Feelinggood I'm much happier now than I was I am doing qualifications and hope to have a better job by the end of the year, financially I'm not stoney broke but I am nowhere near as well off as I was when I was married, the kids are great, the exH and me communicate and work together for the kids (and I even babysat for him and his partner only once though in an emergency) and life is getting better for me. But it wasn't easy it's been a hard road and a hard series of lessons to learn. I would just hate anyone else to make the same mistakes I did.

If you have one or two children you have options of walking out, supporting yourself yadda yadda. I honestly don't think anyone has number 4 or 5 unless they are damned sure their DH is a keeper because the thought of doing that alone would turn me grey over night. I worked full time whilst DH was working away and DC4 was between 12-18 months old and I am not exaggerating when I say it nearly killed me.

So does being a "keeoer" mean you can't fall ill or be made redundant, Mosman?

After 30 years I certainly thought of dh as a keeper, but the council has just decided to close the department he has been working in for those 30 years.

Mosman. I thought mine was a keeper. I was damn sure. I was wrong.

what kind of role model are you that you're children never seen mum in employment,or study?
would you be Happy to reverse roles for a son to be dependent adult the househusband?
can you envisage you will ever work?or pursue activity other than housewife when kids go

Its certainly something that has to be considered, ds1s dad decided to go se everytime the csa got hold of him. I've had less than £2000 in maintenance in the last 18 years, and agree that the person you were with isn't always the same as the person they become after you break up.

As for what happens if your partner has an illness/accident we have insurances as dps work can be quite dangerous.

I understand that, to some people, it can feel disloyal to plan as if their DH might leave them. A bit like a pre-nup, which can arose similar feelings. But I am painfully aware that DH could go under a bus, which amounts to much the same thing. I am a SAHM at the moment, and have been for a year, but I am already planning a career reboot at some point (if I can figure out what I want to do!) and returning to work is a serious factor in whether we have a third.

It doesn't mean I think everyone should work, and certainly not all the time, but I think you need to realise the risk you are taking if you never work.

1. What Scottishmummy said

1. Your life sounds a bit sucky to me

1. But overall..meh

YANBU. My life is simelar in a way although DH does equal childcare when he is off and I do go to uni/tutorials as study with OU. I also used to work until had DC2. Also I don't do everything for DC they have to do their share of chores etc (not loads but make beds, clean up after tea etc) and DH does some house/garden stuff also. I am happy and don't feel I need to WOH at this point but probably might when they are grown. Also you never know if you may become single, could happy to anyone and then you may have to work like it or not.

Being ill or redundant isn't the same as walking out the door though is it ?

"what kind of role model are you that you're children never seen mum in employment,or study?"

My children don't need to "see me" leave for work or study in the morning (what exactly would they be seeing me do?) to know that I am my family's think tank and to see my negotiation skills in action at home on everyone's behalf . I am not silently washing socks and serving hot meals. They all know that the person who keeps their lives moving forward (the ideas and the execution) and harmonious is me. And I happily applaud when I see them acquiring those skills because they are role-modelled daily.

Mosman. I have more than 4 children and my exH still left me for his secretary. It can and does happen. Having a multitude of children is no protection.

I'm not suggesting it's some sort of forcefield but you'd think the OP would be pretty confident in her position before having 5 children with the man. Of course there are no guarantee's.