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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be a traditional sahm ??

865 replies

ProudMum4Eva · 02/01/2013 22:16

I personal have never been flamed for my choice in life, however I see many people who continuously get some sort of insult for their life choices. So here I thought I would share all for the first time.
I am 34 years old I got married at 18 straight from college. I am happily married with five wonderful children who I adore and do everything for. I have NEVER worked (outside the family home) my DH has always worked. He works traditional hours leaves about 8:10 mon-fri and is home for around 5:30. I do everything in the home cleaning, cooking, bathing the younger children, ironing and so on. I dote on my children and my husband. I love it they do not need to help me in the house I look after them and that is what I am good at.

OP posts:
hoodoo12345 · 05/01/2013 11:38

The OP sounds very happy with the choices she has made, good for her.
To be be happy and contented with your life is a wonderful thing to have.

Viviennemary · 05/01/2013 11:46

That's all very well hoodoo. But what about in the years to come. People's working lives are much much longer now. I have known people with good qualifications who have regretted taking a long time out of the workplace. They get into their late forties early fifites and see people with busy fulfilling careers whilst they are at the bottom of the pile. Not saying this is true for everyone but it is a point worth considering.

Pagwatch · 05/01/2013 11:51

I have never found it especially helpful to help teenagers with their homework.

I am not actually sure why a teenager would need help tbh Confused

They should be self sufficient by then, able to understand what the homework requires of them or discuss with their teacher if they don't.

Pagwatch · 05/01/2013 11:53

Once DS 1 stated at senior school (10) I pretty much backed off including making him organise himself. It as served him very well and remains one of the few things that I am determined to do with DD as she hits the same age.

bickie · 05/01/2013 12:01

Hmm to teenagers needing a taxi service over the holidays a good example of why women shouldn't work!

Bonsoir · 05/01/2013 12:10

"They should be self sufficient by then, able to understand what the homework requires of them or discuss with their teacher if they don't."

One-to-one in depth conversation with an expert is the most efficient way of learning at any age. Witness Oxbridge tutorials...

sugarandspiced · 05/01/2013 12:16

I wasn't 'helped' past senior school age Pagwatch and it didn't do me any harm but I was a motivated child and my parents had no knowledge of the subjects I chose at a higher level.

It does depend what you mean by help though. For example. a parent with a degree in English and a love of literature may help their DC by providing them with books, spending time discussing them and generally imparting to them their love of literature. I wouldn't see that as making them not self sufficient.

Bonsoir · 05/01/2013 12:16

"They get into their late forties early fifites and see people with busy fulfilling careers whilst they are at the bottom of the pile."

Hmm. I see a lot of people at the end of their careers by 50, looking round for something to do after 25 years doing the same thing every day in which they are no longer wanted. It's not that straightforward.

Bonsoir · 05/01/2013 12:18

DP and the DSSs talk about maths and physics all the time - late into the night. And DD was bouncing on our bed at half past midnight the other night saying "Encore, encore de la conjugaison" as DP and I bleary-eyed invented sentences for her to spell out the words...

AnnieLobeseder · 05/01/2013 12:21

HannahsSister40 - if you would read the thread properly, and my posts properly, I have said again and again that if people want to be SAHPs, more power to them. What is worrying me, and many other posters, is the OP's very narrow range of interests (her home and family) and the vulnerable position she and her children (and even her DH, if he should be made redundant/become ill). You sound very defensive. Hmm

I would express similar concerns about a narrow world view to anyone who defined their entire life in terms of being, say, an accountant. Who lived and breathed accounting to the exclusion of all else and let life pass them by. The difference in this case is that the accountant at least has an independent income and a pension.

Viviennemary · 05/01/2013 12:28

And if people are at the end of their careers by 50 how can the retirement age be raised to 68. It doesn't make sense.

Bonsoir · 05/01/2013 12:29

I don't know the answer to that one, and I find it odd that governments suggest raising the retirement age when I see just how useless some of the people in public sector jobs (from which they cannot be fired or early retired) are by their mid-50s - in private sector jobs those people are already out.

sugarandspiced · 05/01/2013 12:35

Bonsoir- assuming that you are a SAHM living in France, I'm not convinced that you are the right person to comments on whether or not 50 something public sector workers in the UK are 'useless' or not.

Viviennemary · 05/01/2013 12:58

I was amazed at the comment about public sector workers in their fifties being past it.

Pagwatch · 05/01/2013 13:03

Sugarandspiced

I was responding to your use of 'help'

I talk to my dc about loads of things. We discuss books and art and sport and history and politics.
That's just parenting and family stuff. That's not helping with homework IMO.

If you meant 'being degree educated means I am a more informed parent and companion to my children' then I agree with you.
But I don't think being degree educated makes you better able to assist a teenager with their homework unless you are doing it for them.

HannahsSister40 · 05/01/2013 13:03

Annie, who on earth are you to judge whether the op has a narrow world view or not?
Seriously, why are you so sure that your world view is better and broader? As for defensive, LOL! You've posted over numerous pages making the same passive aggressive assumptions about Sahm's whilst criticising me for pointing out the positives!

And yes, I firmly believe that dc's need parents more as they get older.
I worked 30 hours a week until fairly recently and the home alone in the holidays latchkey scenario didn't sit well with me.

You can question the legitimacy of sacrificing a career temporarily to be around for the kids. And I can question the legitimacy of sacrificing the kids needs to be around for a career. It works both ways.

AnotherTeacherMum · 05/01/2013 13:04

Unless I've missed it in this really long thread I'm still waiting for the OP to reveal what fabulous job her DH has that supports 7 people on such short hours.

Because I'll be sending my DH to apply for a job there sharpish!

kim147 · 05/01/2013 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieLobeseder · 05/01/2013 13:11

Hannah, my dear (yes, now I am being patronising), I have made no assumptions about SAHMs. You and other are just reading that into my posts, I assume from a position of defensiveness. I don't see why you're being so defensive.

I make assumptions about people who are entirely self-indulgent with their time (my earlier posts upthread), and I suggest to everyone, whether they work or not, that life its a wonderful and varied thing, so everyone should have hobbies and interests (my more recent posts). Whether these people are WOH or SAHPs is irrelevant.

The OP has been asked numerous times if she has any interests outside her family; if she ever does anything for herself. This question has been asked, as I have understood it, out of genuine concern for the OP. And she has declined to answer. So from this, I have reached the conclusion that she probably doesn't have any outside interests beyond going to the gym. Which makes me sad, because the world is a wonderful with so many amazing things to experience.

OxfordBags · 05/01/2013 13:11

A lot of posters here are presuming that the SAHMs posting have done nothing else or very little else before having children. As for me, I spent a long time in academia, and had a nice career and had my Ds just before I was 40. I do agree with posters who are saying that life experience is a very important thing to have in your big bag of parenting skills and influences, to put it that way. But that presumption that SAHMs have done nothing else with their lives, or do nothing with their lives whilst being SAHMs, or choose to be SAHMs to escape having work outside the home, whatever, is highly offensive, not particularly intelligent and very misogynist. It also shows a telling lack of perception and inability to think for oneself outside either media/societal stereotypes about SAHMs or one's own life-work balance.

As I said before, getting all one's sense of worth and meaning from one's career is just as limiting and worrying as getting it all from motherhood. Both ways are trying to eke self-esteem from external sources, which puts you n a hiding to nothing.

Every time I see people posting (not just on this thread) about how much they do apart from mothering, be it work or hobbies, etc., I just read the words "Do you love me yet, Mummy?!". Having too much to prove is as pathetic as subsuming yourself totally into a trad family lifestyle bubble.

HandbagCrab · 05/01/2013 13:13

I work part time, study and look after ds who is 1. I'd love to see a day in the life of a sahm with school age kids to go with the wohm schedules we've had.

AnnieLobeseder · 05/01/2013 13:14

"Do you love me yet, Mummy?!"

Huh? Hmm

showtunesgirl · 05/01/2013 13:20

Wow OxfordBags, those judgy pants must be really cutting into you by now.

HannahsSister40 · 05/01/2013 13:20

I'll leave it to Oxford who has written the most intelligent posts on this thread. I can tell you're really riled and annoyed Annie, so there's no point engaging further. You don't need to justify anything to anyone. And neither does the op. so back the hell off.

FreudiansSlipper · 05/01/2013 13:21

many on here are not suggesting every women should onky gain their self worth through their career but I beleive what most are saying it that a sense of independence is vital and being your own person you life not being just about looking after others is something everyone should aim for

there are many what if's that is life and great if you do not have to deal with any but to be in a position where you would really struggle because you have chosen to only be a homemaker is not sensible and how can anyone really argue with that