To be a traditional sahm ??

[ProudMum4Eva]

I personal have never been flamed for my choice in life, however I see many people who continuously get some sort of insult for their life choices. So here I thought I would share all for the first time.
I am 34 years old I got married at 18 straight from college. I am happily married with five wonderful children who I adore and do everything for. I have NEVER worked (outside the family home) my DH has always worked. He works traditional hours leaves about 8:10 mon-fri and is home for around 5:30. I do everything in the home cleaning, cooking, bathing the younger children, ironing and so on. I dote on my children and my husband. I love it they do not need to help me in the house I look after them and that is what I am good at.

I agree with that Oxfordbags

I used to get riled on sahm/ohm threads and talk about what I do during the day, what I have done etc.

It always felt awkward, like I was allowing myself to be made to justify myself. Of course I was justifying myself.
It has been quite a relief to reach the point where I genuinely don't care what people think they know bout me. I get irritated with the trading of stereotypes but I tend to talk in general rather than discuss my own life.

I guess it's what jars for me about the op.
If life is just peachy you don't tend to have to drone on about it unprompted.

What Freudian said ^^

I am neither annoyed nor trying to justify anything, Hannah. Not sure where you get those ideas from. And Oxford has been saying many of the same things as me, though I'm slightly baffled by her final paragraph.

Who the hell is struggling? I'm not!
I have savings, a pension and own half a house which is almost paid off. Do you know many wohm's who get divorced and are then happy as Larry, loaded and cash rich? Nope. Because divorce is shitty and leaves every party worse off, both financially and emotionally. Everyone's a loser. And often men use the fact that 'she works and is independent' as an excuse to pay less child support and get lawyer to argue for smaller final award etc.

Oh FFS Hannah. We have been suggesting to the OP and other SAHMs, who don't have a saving or a pension, that they are vulnerable. This is a fact. You are apparently sensible and have put provision in place for yourself. Why do you keep defending yourself when no-one is attacking you?

passive aggressive sniping is the same as an attack.

its not just the sahm's who need to make provisions either. Wohm's are vulnerable too. Chances are, they'll be primary carer, with the responsibility of childcare costs. How many wohm's have a really good pension in place, earn enough to support themselves and 2/3/4 kids? Many do lower paid jobs, because the so called feminine professions,such as teacher, nursery nurse etc. are badly paid. Now that is sexist and a downside to our patriarchal society where it's financially rewarding to be a stockbroker but not to teach the next generation.

have you worked Hannah?

and I am seperated, happy, money is not a worry, work p/t and study and most importantly ds is happy and secure oh and the ex pays his fair share and is happy so it can be done and often is

Umm
Oxford most people were responding to the OP who proudly states that she is uneducated and needs nothing more in life than caring for her DH and DC to the exclusion of everything else.
Most of the SAHM I know do lots of other stuff in addition to SAHMing and lead fullfilling and busy lives. I prefer WOH and love my job.

I dont however feel the need to presume that this means their children feel unloved - Im guessing thats what you mean by "Do you love me yet Mummy" ??

lol oxfordbag attempt at incisive psychobabble, that's really socialsciencetastic rot
you see sentences,and then by power of presumption transform them into what you want to read
hilarious,but you know what all the mn psychiatrists love all that.someone will say denial too

Yes, I have worked. Office managerial for 9 years, the few year break, then working again as research assistant for 4 years, then sahm again.

I think what Oxford meant by 'mummy, do you love me' was the idea of women -sahm or wohm- still trying to be good enough and seeking approval. So listing all the ways in which you are a good mother, a good worker, educated, ambitious etc is just childlike seeking of approval.

However it was a bit batty so I may be wrong

Not least because, as this thread evidences, the people most determined to judge women's choices are other women.

Well if I had a chance to marry a merchant banker and swan around in a 4 x 4 lunching and giving out instructions to a nanny well I might well have done. But I didn't. But even if I had I wouldn't expect anybody to have approved of my choice and said what a great contribution I was making.

clearly oxfordbag reads the words and then actually interprets how she wants
mummy do you love me ,yet. how schmaltzy.the whey face unloved child pining
well never mind the distant and avaricious mother can sip a latte before answering

I am not sure why you are getting so defensive

your life and the life of the op are very different. I was a sham for 20ish months due to being made redundant personally it is not for me I have not suggested it should not be for others but to only be that, for your adult life to only be about looking after the house and others is just not sensible for a man or a woman. There are lots of things I would ony like to do to make myself happy but I need to take responsibility for myself and my son too one day he is going to leave home, one day I may be made redundant again and so on but I am in a position where I have skills to make sure I can work, where I can support us both and where I can be alone and not have to rely on others to be happy

Pagwatch- I'm sure that I didn't mention helping with homework specifically- only the word help. I was responding to Bonsoir's post re higher degree, etc being useful.

I don't think that I disagree with you and I wasn't talking about myself specifically, just giving theoretical examples.

Hannah- I see that you have chosen not to respond to my post but seem to prefer to criticise Annie's posts.

Oxford- I haven't seen posters assuming that SAHMs have done nothing prior to motherhood. It is possible that there have been one or two but it is not my overall impression.

The fact that some of the SAHMs on here are getting so defensive and feeling the need to detail their own experience/ previous experience makes me feel that they are not fully confident in their choices and feel the need to validate them on here.
I think Pagwatch has said similar.

Ok Pagwatch am going to back out of this thread slowly if that the case

Intersting isnt it - have been a mother for 18 years and yet noone has ever questioned ( to my face anyway ) what I have done with my time whether SAH or WOH .Lots of parents just getting on with it really and figuring out what works for them. Looking at my Dc and their friends most have done a good job .

defensive!Kerching on the psychobabble bingo
dont forget denial or projection
the mn armchair psychiatrists love all that

Sugarandspice, I mentioned my work history because someone asked me if I'd ever worked, not because I'm justifying anything.

"Bonsoir- assuming that you are a SAHM living in France, I'm not convinced that you are the right person to comments on whether or not 50 something public sector workers in the UK are 'useless' or not."

Why do you assume (quite incorrectly) that I have no direct, recent, recurrent experience of public sector workers in the UK (as well as in France)? Do you think I don't travel to the UK frequently and have many interests there? It's where I keep my £££, pay most of my taxes and vote...

I guess, a lot of the sahm posts are coming from women who have a position of privilege. Either through their dh's earnings, family money, savings from a previous high flying career etc. There is an awful lot of privilege in my eyes in having a top quality university education (as every sahm on mumsnet went to Oxbridge for a PhD it seems) and then not doing very much with it. Channeling all that knowledge, experience and understanding into a couple of dcs when it could be shared with the world feels very insular to me.

When I was growing up families generally with a sahm were poor. One family were a bit better off and they had a lovely home and mum did lots of keep fit and did Avon, but I can't say the dc have set the world alight (if that is the onus of the sahm, to produce outstanding offspring).

I do think it's disingenuous for people in very comfortable situations to present sahm as a choice without negative consequence for people like the op with no qualifications, experience or substantial personal savings/ investments/ pensions. A wohm is vulnerable to redundancy, restructure etc but she has options the sahm without money, skills or qualifications does not.

I asked what a sahm of school aged children did during the day as I was interested, I wasn't looking to pick holes. I know from myself I find it hard to motivate myself and I would struggle to fill my days constructively and would get depressed, that's just me though.

"Channeling all that knowledge, experience and understanding into a couple of dcs when it could be shared with the world feels very insular to me."

Why "insular"? Surely you have DCs in order to enjoy their company and share your understanding of the world with them, first and foremost?

I can fully understand why the privileges and good fortune you describe might make others envious, however.

Handbagcrab

I agree with a lot of that too.
The very option of being a sahp may mean one is already in a priviledged position by virtue of having the choice
Equally the 'how can you give up your career' angle is often nonsense for mothers who do drudge jobs because the family needs the money.

The idea that women have any choice at all is nonsense way more often than it should be.

It's why these discussions are often pointless.

The one thing that endlessly shocks me is how often the decisions women do chose to make are so poorly informed. There are often 'why get married' threads where unmarried sahms are saying 'well I assume I am entitled to half - I read that somewhere'.
Do what you like. Do what you must. Make the best decision you can for you and your family. Be as happy as you can. But if you haven't considered your own future it is a folly.

Pagwatch- I agree.

It's not just about dc, I as a sahm support my DH too, it's his turn if you like to push ahead with his career.

When I return to work I expect to work past his retirement year when we will have swapped roles once again.

I'm fed up of this thread, I keep thinking about stuff from it even when I'm not on mn

Maybe the OP enjoys this things genuinely and nothing wrong, if she's happy doing that then fine thought we lived in a free country n all, BUT IT MAYBE SHE HAS NOT EXPERIENCEDVANYTHING ELESE SO CAN'T OBJECTIVELY COMPARE?

I have if course git all angles covered [ smug]