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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To be a traditional sahm ??

865 replies

ProudMum4Eva · 02/01/2013 22:16

I personal have never been flamed for my choice in life, however I see many people who continuously get some sort of insult for their life choices. So here I thought I would share all for the first time.
I am 34 years old I got married at 18 straight from college. I am happily married with five wonderful children who I adore and do everything for. I have NEVER worked (outside the family home) my DH has always worked. He works traditional hours leaves about 8:10 mon-fri and is home for around 5:30. I do everything in the home cleaning, cooking, bathing the younger children, ironing and so on. I dote on my children and my husband. I love it they do not need to help me in the house I look after them and that is what I am good at.

OP posts:
Fluffybumblebee · 03/01/2013 15:13

Dear OP, I am sure you and your DH are happy and might stay happy for a long time.

But I want to tell you about very different experiences of me and my DH and how we look at it now.

I come from a line of working mothers: my maternal grandmother was the first one (and the only one) of her family to go into higher education (which has resulted into being the first one to get a professional career). My paternal grandmother lost her husband in a Soviet concentration camp and upon returning home had to train herself and get a job, so she could support herself and her two children (both of whom went onto studying in universities and being successful in their careers).

As a result, both of my parents worked full time since I was few months old. I remember few occasions when I felt sad that my parents could not attend my school concerts during the day, but I don't remember thinking that my parents did not love me. I did not got a day without a hot meal and we had family breakfast instead of family dinners (as my parents used to work until very late hours and I was asleep by the time they used to get home).

My DMIL has worked before she got married to my DFIL and had lovely career prospects in the future, but gave it all up to stay at home with children. It was her own decision, which was fully supported by DFIL. My DH says that when he was a child he enjoyed her being a SAHM, but as he and his siblings got older they just did not find time spent with her very interesting as they would have very little to talk about.

DMIL has recently started working again (after ~20 years of being a SAHM), but was not able to get a similar type of job that she was good at, as the type of job that she was doing has been greatly computerised. And if you want to do this type of job now you need a lot of knowledge, training and specialist qualifications. At the moment she is doing unqualified work that she enjoys, but there is no prospect of furthering her career or getting a pay rise. DPIL are still happily married, but I sometimes feel really sad for my MIL as she hasn't got many friends and her children don't talk to her very often.

I can't force my DH (and his siblings) to talk to his mother more often, but he feels that they have very little to talk about. On the other hand he likes talking to my DM, who works ~50 hour a week, travels to conferences, attend courses, seminars, belongs to various professional bodies and does other job related things. They spend hours talking about politics, law, job prospects, conferences and other things, even though we all do completely different jobs. It is like learning from each other.

You know, OP, job does not only bring you financial security, but also broader understanding of the world, meeting new interesting people, learning about politics, law and economics, and other intellectual things. I am not saying that SAHM have no interests. They do. My DMIL reads a lot and you can discuss some books with her, but its impossible to discuss any professional literature (of any sorts) with her, as she only reads fiction.

I truly hope that your kinds would not find you boring when they get older, as I can see how upsetting this is for my DMIL.

AmberSocks · 03/01/2013 15:14

i dont think its v sad,not at 3 anyway!

It doesnt bother me,simply because,its not true!Most mums work these days or so im told,so its something she will realise when she needs to,and as far as im aware,there is nothing,sad,strange,or wrong about staying at homelooking after your children and having babies?

She says she wants to be aidwife when shes older anyway so i guess she knwos in some way that women do work!plus she knows grandmas a teacher.

AmberSocks · 03/01/2013 15:17

fluffy its wrong to assume sahm cant be any of the things you mentioned,if anything they have more time to persue interests than if they were working,once the children are at school anyway.Im not saying that a lot of sahm arent like that,and again it comes down to money,because that givesyou the freedom to do things like travel,have hobbies,see friends and family.

and i read non fiction too!

scottishmummy · 03/01/2013 15:22

ok so if it's not sad at 3 to have such views is it still ok at 12,16 to think only dad work?
at what point do you introduce working hard, something for self,career,own money
or is marrying well a good enough aspiration,is that something you're happy to endorse

everlong · 03/01/2013 15:26

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 03/01/2013 15:27

scottishmummy - but not all SAHMs only know SAHMs and never consult male doctors or lawyers or anything. My DD knows that lots of her friends' mothers work outside the home (she has no idea what they do because banking and international arbitration and mining are fairly obscure to her still) and those friends know that lots of mothers do not work outside the home. I admit that I only ever take my DD to female doctors, dentists etc - I very much doubt she knows men can be doctors.

iismum · 03/01/2013 15:29

My mum was just like you - I never did a thing for myself till I left home. I kind of liked it growing up, but now I'm an adult with a family of my own I find the domestic side of life pretty tough. The house is often messy, I'm often behind on the laundry, etc. I know this is my fault and my responsibility, but I do feel annoyed with my mother for not making it part of my life from an early age. It's not that any of the skills are at all hard to master, it's more that I always feel a bit resentful of doing it and feel like it should be someone else's job, and I think this comes from my upbringing. DH's mother worked when he was young and he is much better at it than I am.

iismum · 03/01/2013 15:30

To clarify - by 'you', I mean OP.

Fluffybumblebee · 03/01/2013 15:30

Amber, I am not generalising, just telling how it is in our family. I am sory if I have insulted you, I definitely did not mean it.

I know that not every SAHM has no interests, but it was the case for my DMIL. It is not that she did not have any interests, she just had no time for them as she worked very hard at home making sure that kids and husband were happy, fed, house was clean and children did all their homework and extra curricular activities. Big age gaps between children (and some children being at home, while others went to school) meant that she had very little time for her own interests, immersing herself into children's activities.

scottishmummy · 03/01/2013 15:31

as you said,dd can live in a community where women don't work,and not encounter working women

janey68 · 03/01/2013 15:35

For me (and I'm sure it's true of many others) it really boils down to the very simple fact that most of us partner someone of similar ability, educational achievement and outlook, values etc. This was less true in the past - girls were simply denied the educational and career opportunities which boys had, and the social structures of the past pushed men and women into polarised positions: housewife and earner. Now that those societal restrictions no longer exist, many couples want 'a bit of both'. I am as capable of earning and having an interesting career as my dh is. He is as capable of changing a nappy or cooking dinner as I am. It therefore makes sense to us to both have a good balance in our lives- neither of us feeling we have to stay home full time or work stupid hours chasing endless promotions as sole earner.

I think if it suits you as a couple to have polarised roles then fine, it's your choice, but i find it completely natural in the 21st century that many couples find it more fulfilling and a great role model for the family to have more of a balance

Itsjustmeanon · 03/01/2013 15:44

YANBU. Whatever works for you.

We cannot afford for me to be a traditional SAHM. I've always been envious of SAHMs.

ThreeTomatoes · 03/01/2013 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 03/01/2013 15:45

"as you said,dd can live in a community where women don't work,and not encounter working women"

Sure, but it is not (as you implied in your first post) an inevitability for children of SAHMs and a reason not to SAHM.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 03/01/2013 15:50

YANBU. You are allowed to live your life the way you want.

From a personal point of view, it would not be my choice, however the way i live my life would probably not be your choice.

My main concern with being a SAHM permanently is what happens when you children leave home? And what happens if, god forbid, your DH had an affair and left you? Do you have any qualifications or work experience you could fall back on? Do you have any money of your own to support yourself with?

Startail · 03/01/2013 15:52

YANBU
I'm a SAHM, I'm just a bit bad at the house wife bit, so I do get DH to Hoover and clean sometimes.

No one irons, I do washing and most cooking.

DH can cook, he did Christmas dinner.

DH can look after DCs even if I generally did when they were small.

Nothing wrong in whatever works for you.

So long as your DH does know how to look after himself and the children if you are I'll or fancy a night off.

My DDad is absolutely hopeless and now DMum isn't very mobile my DSIS ends up picking up the pieces.

ThreeTomatoes · 03/01/2013 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname · 03/01/2013 15:57

I was a SAHM for 10 years, until my youngest went to school when I took a part time job in a school to fit around the DC. I loved it, my DS2 has SN and needed me and I never enjoyed my career.

But, my 'keeper' of a 'D' H left me for an OW after being together for 22 years. I am not minted, I still can only work P/T due to DS2's needs. Not what I had planned. If I had known exH was a dick, I might have made different choices, but I truly though he was forever.

So, it benefitted my DS2 especially, being a SAHM. It benefitted me at the time, and exH, who knew his DC were being looked after and his career would never have to take second place. Ill DC, hospital appointments, school holidays can be a juggling act for WOH parents. I would never begrudge anyone who worked because they wanted something other than being a mum in their lives, who felt more valued with a job, or who simply needed a job to have a decent standard of living, or even any standard of living. I was lucky that I could choose to be a SAHM, I thought.

It's shit, now, though.

InNeedOfBrandy · 03/01/2013 16:16

I think it's quite controlling to make yourself be needed. Nothing to do with staying at home or working but to make validate yourself and control others by making them need you is strange.

I feel sorry for your daughter in laws already.

Bonsoir · 03/01/2013 16:19

LOL, ThreeTomatoes - my DSS1 said of his father once "I want to be a CEO like Daddy when I grow up - he earns a lot of money and doesn't have to do much." This was at a time when DP spent all his spare time with the DSSs, worried that their mother wasn't doing enough. He did realise he was giving them a false view of what his life entailed...

AmberSocks · 03/01/2013 16:19

the thing that makes me sad about this debate is that feminism was supposed to mean that women had equality with men,like choosing whether to stay at home or work.

Men/media/general public dont seem to care if we stay athome or work these days,its just women that seem to care,so its gone from men telling us what we cant do to other women?

Bonsoir · 03/01/2013 16:21

"I think it's quite controlling to make yourself be needed. Nothing to do with staying at home or working but to make validate yourself and control others by making them need you is strange."

I agree. But I think that it is one (I agree, bad way) that women have traditionally used in order to ensure their role is recognised. Bringing children up to be independent and managing their experiences so that they don't feel they need you (even when they still do) can be quite difficult - they feel you aren't doing anything!

scottishmummy · 03/01/2013 16:22

men don't do anything?well some maintain housewife to do even less
hoho,a aren't men silly quip.bet they can't even fluff and fold
well that doesn't do anything man maintains housewife and her no can do attitude

BunFagFreddie · 03/01/2013 16:23

I think it's nice that OP is happy and enjoys what she does. Blush

ChristmasKnackers · 03/01/2013 16:31

I would just find it soooo boring! But that's just me.