AIBU and should I get over myself?! Possible bridezilla?

[Sianilaa]

First AIBU posting and donning my flameproof overalls :D

This will probably out me if anyone recognises it but I need to know if I'm being all "me, me, me!" or if not, what to do about it. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

I've been very good friends with this girl since we were 18 (12 yrs). She is 'guidemother' to my eldest son, she was my bridesmaid when I married. I think (thought?) the world of her. I would have dropped everything if she needed me. Everyone loves her, she's been a bridesmaid about 10 times in the last couple of years. Popular, lots of other friends but we always appeared to be close.

She is getting married in a month. When she announced it, I joked about her having to have 20 bridesmaids. She went quiet and said she wasn't going to have anyone to avoid upset. Transpires she is, a mutual friend. The reason being this girl has no sisters and has never been a BM. Neither have I! So I was gutted but smiled and decided to get over it.

She has decided to have about 10 cakes, one as a centrepiece of each table and she wants me (I decorate cakes) to do them all at her house the day before the wedding. I have tried to tell her this is very unrealistic but she won't have it. She is buying all the bits and a family member is baking the actual cakes so I can't get the cakes any earlier than the day before the wedding. She has changed her mind about number of cakes and designs several times. There are 4 different designs she wants me to do. I am stressed beyond belief and have turned away paying work for this. I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh.

She sent an email about her hen weekend - the weekend of my son's birthday and party. The boy she is guide mother to. I sent a cheery reply that I was sad I wouldn't be able to make it and was told I had to be there so please rearrange his birthday party to a different weekend. I won't miss his 5th birthday so am going along later than others when he is in bed and have (grudgingly) moved his party to the weekend before as he won't really care either way.

I offered my services to the bridesmaid, to make a cake or something for the hen. Got told no, she was asking someone else to do a cake and my help wasn't needed.

To top it all off, I was sat at home watching Bridget Jones on NYE as DH was ill in bed and kids asleep early as they're young. Just seen a load of photos of a party at the bride's flat with lots of mutual friends in them. I am the only one with children but they could have asked? I cried. It's not the first time I've been excluded for having kids (if that's the reason, they're just in a very different place in their lives).

I feel like a total mug tbh. I can't back out of these sodding cakes as I don't want to be the bad guy right before her wedding and I don't want to cause her stress or ruin her big day. I am completely gutted. Clearly I mean nothing to her and need to move on but how do I do that without looking like a brat? Or am I in fact a brat and need to get over myself? I can hardly text her and say, "you didn't invite me to your party, I'm not your friend any more!" as I'm not 5. But I feel it at the moment!

dons hard hat

Thanks for not falling into a coma reading this far! ;)

[SantasENormaSnob]

She sounds like a complete arse hole tbh.

[Bogeyface]

My own sister did the same thing to me re:bridesmaids and was a total bridezilla. It took along time for our relationship to recover (years) because she was so vile to me. If she had been a friend I wouldnt have gone to the wedding never mind seen her afterwards.

I agree that you need to be upfront with the cakes, email her that you will only be able to do 4 the day before and that unless she gives you more time or more help then 4 is all that will be ready. Also, I am wondering about the cakes if they wont be ready until the day. Fruitcakes can be made weeks before, so I get the impression that they will be bog standard sponges which will be a bitch to ice and look half decent in the time you have.

I would be inclined to have an emergency that means that you cant be available that weekend after all.

[AlbertaCampion]

YADNBU.

Reading your post made me cross on your behalf. The cakes and the NYE party - what a horrible woman. Ten cakes: wow!

I think you are right when you say that it's too late to wriggle out of the cake debacle entirely. As a decorator yourself, you'll know that she'd be hard pressed to get anyone else to take a job like that on.

I agree with the poster who recommended four cakes instead - that's a good idea. Also, I'd insist that the cakes have to be delivered TO YOU, with more notice. The day before the wedding is far, far too stressy and risky - I speak from bitter experience! Carry on this course, and I fear you are setting yourself up for a fall.

Yes, she'll kick off when you decide not to bend to her (idiot) will after all, but she's done a good job of wrecking this friendship so who gives a flying f?

[ZZZenAgain]

I think you shouldn't do the cakes. She has a nerve. If she had to pay for all those cakes to be decorated, she certainly would not be having 10 or 12 with 4 different designs. She is taking advantage of you IMO and apart from that she doesn't sound particularly nice.

You could tell her you need to hire 2 people to help and that will cost.... She will need to pay them upfront, as in a week ahead to book them. So it is up to her if she wants you to do the cakes, that is the only way you are prepared to do it, otherwise of course you are not at all offended if she makes other arrangements.

[Sianilaa]

Oh no, I'm dreading it even more now - they are all sponge cakes (I've offered to bake them so I can be sure of the quality and that they'll be easy to decorate but that was turned down).

Are they all going to crumble and leave me with a real mess?! In which case, she'll have to pop to M&S...

I am a bit torn as to what I want to do after the wedding. When I saw those NYE photos I was ready to walk away. But she's been a very good friend in the past and I'm sure she will be again. I don't want to burn any bridges.

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

Am I the only one expecting a thread to start up form the family member about the unrealistic number of sponge cakes her relative has demanded she bake for the wedding??

It's all too YADNBU

[ChasedByBees]

She sounds like she's being a cow frankly!

If you we're that good friends though, could you speak with her? Say, 'I'm really hurt you didn't invite me for NYE. We've been good friends for xxxx, you've asked me to move my sons birthday party, you've asked me to do all your wedding cakes but you don't even invite me to your party?'

If the friendship is on its last legs then you hae nothing to lose but at least she might realise how awful she's been and try and make to up to you.

Whilst you're on the subject of cakes you could follow with, 'I've told you before your plan is not feasible. You have to get someone else to help as I'm only doing 4 (or whatever)'

Perhaps you could offer to do one of the designs - she could have a different person do each design maybe so your work is clear?

[ConfusedPixie]

It sounds like she's using you. Tell her outright that doing that many cakes the day before is impossible and that she's taking the piss. Don't back down. She is taking advantage because you're her 'friend', yet she isn't happy to treat you as a friend. Tell her to bugger off imo!

[Pudgy2011]

I was going to weigh in on this thread but everyone else has put it far more succinctly than I.

You poor thing, I really feel for you. I'd have told her to go and fuck herself. But like I said, everyone else has put it far more succinctly than I ever could.

If there is one thing 2012 taught me, is that life is too short. You shouldn't be getting stressed out over someone else's wedding, not least someone who is expecting the earth and not giving anything back in return.

What a cowbag.

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

And no, don't do the cakes.

Better that than it going wrong.

[ZZZenAgain]

send her an email so she can reread it, outlining that you cannot decorate sponge cakes, too much can go wrong if the cakes are not made exactly right. You will bake and decorate x number of cakes yourself, if she wants but if she wants to buy a special cake instead to be sure she gets exactly what she wants, she should go ahead and do that. It would be a shame if the cakes didn't work out.

[brighteyedandbushytailed]

I'm not sure I agree with the whole "let the friendship peter out" business - better to make the points you want to make (without throwing insults) to give her the chance to mend her ways/apologies. And if she doesn't then at least both of you know where you stand and you needn't feel any guilt about not helping out. Can you send her an email saying you understand that's she's under a lot of stress, but you're a hurt by her high handedness with the cakes (which will only hurt her if she doesn't pay heed) and over your son's birthday as well as the NYE party; you want to help because you are fond of her but you feel quite used at the moment?

[DontmindifIdo]

ooh, ZZZ's plan is good - e-mail the limits of what one person can do in 1 day (4 cakes maximum) say you need paid for help for the others which will cost her X amount and you can put her in touch with someone she can hire or she needs to make her own arrangments.

I see on the day she will get stroppy because even if you keep saying you can only do a few, she will stamp her feet and you'll be blamed as she's told everyone you're doing the cakes for her and then let her down. Your side won't get a mention.

If she refuses with to get other help, then I'd pull out all together - say you can't do what she wants so you'd rather step back and let her hire a professional team who can deliver that many in one day.

Your friendship is radically changed anyway. I bet if you weren't on cake duty she'd have eased you out completely.

[WildWorld2004]

I would send her a bill before the wedding. She sounds like a bit of a cow and she needs to know that she cant treat people like this.

I wouldnt have friends like her.

[itsmineitsmine]

Bridesmaid - yabu
Cakes - yanbu

What is a guide mother?

[ChasedByBees]

iPhone added the typos and apostrophes

[Sianilaa]

Guidemother is humanist/non-religious sort of godmother, if you see what I mean.


I'm trying hard to see it from her POV, perhaps she thinks she is being kind and including me by offering to let me decorate her cakes instead of being a BM?? Perhaps she doesn't really want me to do them at all and has made I difficult so I'll walk away and she can say she tried?!

[ZZZenAgain]

no, don't start imagining intrigues. She is just being selfish and taking advantage.

When is this wedding approximately, not this Saturday or anything is it?

[sittinginthesun]

Nightmare.

I think you will be stuck doing the cakes, but emphasise again that you think that there are too many to do properly. Make sure you have a good excuse to get away on time.

Afterwards, I think you need to rise above this friendship. She seems to have a lot of people running around after her. I have friends like this and, tbh, you have to accept that they spread themselves very thin.

Don't stop being friends, but don't run after her.

Have you made any mew friends since having children?

[DontmindifIdo]

No, shes not being kind, she wants these cakes, she's sure you can do it, she's go so much on her mind she's considered this 'problem' solved and isn't thinking about what you are saying.

You need to get it though to her it's not that you'll try to do all 10 but might only do half, you won't try, you'll do 4 and she needs to find someone else for the others. Don't keep saying you'll 'try' because that gives her the hope that you are just panicking and it'll be fine. It won't be, she needs to have it spelt out in small words.

If you can't get her to find someone for the others, then I would withdraw and suggest she gets a professional team for them all. Do it now, because on the day, you'll find she kicks off because you're not trying

If your friendship meant a lot to her, she wouldn't be treating you like this.

[Sianilaa]

That's exactly it, she spreads herself thin. She's the kid of person everyone seems to take to instantly and has lots of friends. Wish I was like that really!

Yes I've made new friends since having children but I miss my old ones too. In fact, I spent NYD with a brand new friend who had a child-filled party and everyone was so friendly and lovely and we all had a ball. It made the contrast pretty clear.

[DontmindifIdo]

Some people are very good at superficial friendships and making lots of people feel like they are important to them. I have a friend like that. It can be hard when you realise you are just one of their many friends and not all that important.

Accept, deal with the cake situation to avoid a disaster, then either be friends in a 'lighter' way or ease her out.

[ZenNudist]

Yanbu. I feel for you.

Cakes: a bit confused about you turning down paid work. Surely she is only giving you a day to do this. Cant you fit in paid work around it? How much difference can one day make? Am sympathetic, just would like to know more.

Re cake design, be firm tell her what lead time you need to preview & practise & get materials. Cost it out FGS tell her what service price she is avoiding and make her pay for materials. Be realistic how much time you will have on the one day before the wedding and make sure you can do all the cakes to her design. Sit down and think of this as an item of work: timings, costs, realistic deadline, then for the love of god stand up to her. If she kicks off or gets terminally offended, stay calm, don't get upset, ask her nicely to go and ask another cake maker what they would charge her and how long it would take.

Think about this logically: 1:you are thinking about dropping her anyway 2: you are clearly a sensible pragmatic woman 3. Providing you explain to her what time you have and what time it will take then you can only work with the space-time continuum and you can't be expected to put in a 24h shift and neglect your home an work responsibilities over this. You are doing her a massive favour. If she can't accept that graciously and work with you rather than being bossy and unreasonable please tell me you'll say no.

Fwiw, I dealt with bridesmaid-Zilla at my wedding (loooong story). Like you I put up with a lot if shit. I was reasonable, I rationalised her behaviour, I let her treat me badly and I thought she'd get better after the wedding was over. But it completely ruined our friendship. We no longer speak. I wish I'd just kicked her into touch rather than wimping out of standing up to her. This is the voice of experience saying you'd best stand up to her as she is just not worth it.

[MariaMandarin]

Yes some people are able to make a lot of people feel as if they are the 'best' friend. I am a more distant friend with someone like this. A few years ago there was major drama as 3 other friends all thought they were her best friend, and it turned out that honour went to somebody else entirely. It all sounded incredibly childish but the people involved were very hurt.

I don't think it was done deliberately. She is just able to make you feel special, and some how important, but it is a sort of act. She likes you, but she doesn't hold you in the esteem that you think she does.