AIBU and should I get over myself?! Possible bridezilla?

[Sianilaa]

First AIBU posting and donning my flameproof overalls :D

This will probably out me if anyone recognises it but I need to know if I'm being all "me, me, me!" or if not, what to do about it. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

I've been very good friends with this girl since we were 18 (12 yrs). She is 'guidemother' to my eldest son, she was my bridesmaid when I married. I think (thought?) the world of her. I would have dropped everything if she needed me. Everyone loves her, she's been a bridesmaid about 10 times in the last couple of years. Popular, lots of other friends but we always appeared to be close.

She is getting married in a month. When she announced it, I joked about her having to have 20 bridesmaids. She went quiet and said she wasn't going to have anyone to avoid upset. Transpires she is, a mutual friend. The reason being this girl has no sisters and has never been a BM. Neither have I! So I was gutted but smiled and decided to get over it.

She has decided to have about 10 cakes, one as a centrepiece of each table and she wants me (I decorate cakes) to do them all at her house the day before the wedding. I have tried to tell her this is very unrealistic but she won't have it. She is buying all the bits and a family member is baking the actual cakes so I can't get the cakes any earlier than the day before the wedding. She has changed her mind about number of cakes and designs several times. There are 4 different designs she wants me to do. I am stressed beyond belief and have turned away paying work for this. I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh.

She sent an email about her hen weekend - the weekend of my son's birthday and party. The boy she is guide mother to. I sent a cheery reply that I was sad I wouldn't be able to make it and was told I had to be there so please rearrange his birthday party to a different weekend. I won't miss his 5th birthday so am going along later than others when he is in bed and have (grudgingly) moved his party to the weekend before as he won't really care either way.

I offered my services to the bridesmaid, to make a cake or something for the hen. Got told no, she was asking someone else to do a cake and my help wasn't needed.

To top it all off, I was sat at home watching Bridget Jones on NYE as DH was ill in bed and kids asleep early as they're young. Just seen a load of photos of a party at the bride's flat with lots of mutual friends in them. I am the only one with children but they could have asked? I cried. It's not the first time I've been excluded for having kids (if that's the reason, they're just in a very different place in their lives).

I feel like a total mug tbh. I can't back out of these sodding cakes as I don't want to be the bad guy right before her wedding and I don't want to cause her stress or ruin her big day. I am completely gutted. Clearly I mean nothing to her and need to move on but how do I do that without looking like a brat? Or am I in fact a brat and need to get over myself? I can hardly text her and say, "you didn't invite me to your party, I'm not your friend any more!" as I'm not 5. But I feel it at the moment!

dons hard hat

Thanks for not falling into a coma reading this far! ;)

[ZebraInHiding]

Do you know any other cakes people?nsay you are skint, need the money so can't turn down a paying order, or that you got another orders dates mixed up and you can no longer do them. Then pass on the number of another cakes friend to do them for her. That way, you are off the hook, she will either have to pay you, or the other cake maker or go without.

She is being a bridezilla. And none of the cake people I know would touch another persons cake to decorate with a barge pole. Too much risk to their reputation. And sponges are shit for icing. Madeira would be better if they want a plainer cake and not fruit, as it holds its shape better, can be made earlier and will save better later.

[PartridgeInASpicyPearTree]

Oh gosh, for the most part I would say she is a complete cow and YANBU. Planning her hen on DS's birthday, the cake thing, the party - just awful behaviour. I would do the cakes because you have agreed to it now and it's too late to back out, but be really firm on what can be achieved design wise in the time and stick hard to your guns. You have already let her walk all over you re moving the party.

DH had a friend like this, with lots of "best friends" all thinking they were more important to him than they were. He was just an affable user with a way for sucking you in. I was really relieved when he started slipping up (not remembering important stuff from last time he'd seen him etc) and DH decided to move on, because ultimately this type of person will always let you down and make you feel shit.

I would say though, about the kids thing, have you turned down all invitations since having kids? I am about your age and have a friend that had kids early, by the friendship group standard (no one else has them yet) and we all tried really hard to accommodate this and maintain the relationship. After three years of refused invites and even some no shows on the day, we all sort of gave up (not a joint thing, just happened that way). I have lots of other friends with kids in different friendship groups so it's nothing to do with life stages etc, she just used her DS as an excuse to make no effort at all.

[uggmum]

I really feel for you. She doesn't sound like a very good friend at all. Weddings can really change people for the worse.

Icing so many cakes in a short time frame will be a nightmare. Can you make it easier by making some decorations in advance.

I am a bridesmaid in december 2013. I've been told by the groom that all bridesmaids must be under 9stone in weight and he wants me to text him my weight every week so he can monitor my progress. I am a bit of a fatty and I have offered to duck out and just be a guest but they won't hear of it.

[sittinginthesun]

I can imagine her exactly. My DH and I have a friend like is. He can make you seem like the most important person I'm his life, but then has a list as long as his arm for his best man, god parents etc.

DH used to be upset, and I know a couple of friends did drop him because they were sick of it.

We just decided to let it go. We are still good friends, but let him do the running now. After a short while, he actually did.

Your new friends may end up being very close friends too in a few years. Friendships do change, particularly after you have children, but that's quite healthy.

Do the bloody cakes, enjoy the wedding, and rise above it. You don't need to pander to her, you are far far better than that.

[IloveJudgeJudy]

DM is a cake decorator and, having been burnt a few times, will no longer decorate other people's cakes. It makes everything take at least twice as long with a worse result. And sponge cakes, not even madeiras? That's going to be a nightmare.

As others have said, I would definitely e-mail her re the cakes. Don't mention bridesmaids, hen nights or anything else. You need her to tell you what kind of decorations she wants for the cakes. Does she just want a plaque with decorations on it that you could do in advance, or does she want them iced? It will be a nightmare unless it's plaques, I think. She can't leave it until the last minute to decide on the decoration.

I do feel for you. It's rubbish, whatever you decide atm. I wouldn't judge her too harshly, though, as she might be caught up in the wedding thing. Wait and see what she's like afterwards. She might come to her senses!

[plantsitter]

If you still plan to do the cakes (and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't - bridesmaid and no party invitation are one thing, but demanding you change your son's birthday? ), then I would just tell her you want the contact details of the person who is baking the cakes so you can talk to them about what they'll be doing. Of course she wouldn't understand because she doesn't bake. Then speak to that person about a more realistic time frame and whether, in fact, you can bake some of them yourself.

[gimmecakeandcandy]

Look - STOP being a bloody doormat! Sorry - but stop! She is a cow, stop thinking about her feelings. She clearly has little respect for you and doesn't value you so why are you letting her walk all over you.

Grow some bloody balls. Tell her that ten cakes in a day is a no no and be firm. Ask her where was my nye invite then? And see her reply.

Concentrate on friends who deserve your time. She doesn't.

[MagicHouse]

I agree, send her an email about the cakes. Explain that she hasn't really understood how cake decorating works, and that if the sponge isn't right, you won't be able to do it etc etc.
Giver her a couple of options (you do the lot, at cost price/ you decorate but much more in advance)

Make sure you over emphasise how much you want her wedding to be perfect, and that it would be heartbreaking for both of you if the cakes didn't work out, but that because you have never worked to such a tight schedule on someone else's baking that you have no guarantee they will be ready whether the decotations will even work.

cc a few other people into the email if you can, so she can't accuse you of letting her down.

If she responds badly, I'm afraid you probably have your answer about where this friendship is headed.

[LadyHarrietdeSpook]

I just lost a long posting.

This is one of the most frightening MN wedding threads ever.

OP TEN cakes...TEN? I am going to be really really firm with you. YABU unreasonable to have agreed to this at all and I'm hoping there is no question that you even teensy weensy bit volunteered to do it!

There, I hope that has your attention!

You are going to end up feeling like you are on some horrible Apprentice challenge. This woman will have no hesitation in going: "You're fired!" as well if it all goes wrong, it will all be down to you.

*"CHANGING THE DESIGNS SEVERAL TIMES!"

She's being a terrible cow all around (but you knew that.)

I think the potential for this to go wrong is too high to even risk it (given the changing mind thing - who knows what she'll think of like a week before the wedding) and I would send her one of the emails above saying that you can't do it. I wouldn't even do four cakes personally unless you are doing the whole lot (or supervising it) including the baking of the sponge. I wouldn't have even thought of this but whoever said that the quality of the sponge could be completely uneven is totally right. But you're the expert and if you think the risk is manageable with four cakes....well you would know best.

Ten cakes is going to cost a bomb, which she knows. How big are they?!

[OTheYuleManatee]

OP, yabu about the bridesmaid thing though I can see why you're hurt.

Re the cakes thing, yanbu an need to tell her no, as clearly and unemotionally as possible based on the numbers. Assuming 2-3 hours to decorate one cake (I'm guessing) there is no way you can do 10 in a day. That's 30 hours' work without a break. That is not realistic, especially unpaid.

This is not about you being a good or bad friend, this is about good project management. She is making poor planning decisions at the moment and needs to rethink her scheduling.

[JamieandtheMagiTorch]

Uggmum


Omg now i have heard it all. Tell him to go fuck himself

[JamieandtheMagiTorch]

OP

Even if she thinks she's being nice she's not. She's at best patronising you, and worst, using.

[KateByChristmas]

Weddings turn the loveliest of people bonkers

I think the cakes thing is to keep you involved but also very important so I think it shows she trusts you and feels close enough to you to ask such a task of you.

Don't forget how stressed people can become when planning a wedding, everyone wants a piece of you and you have to work really hard to keep everyone happy.

How about....... You invite her round to yours for dinner/coffee/wine for an update on the plans, a catch up then a run through of the cakes. Maybe make a crumbly crappy one and a good one and show her the difference in the finish.

Grit teeth til wedding fever is over

[Megan74]

YANBU.

You need to sort the cake situation out fast. Speak to her in person and say you will decorate a set number of cakes as a wedding present (who has 12 cakes?!!) and stick to that. If she doesn't like it she can sort something else out.

As for the friendship she is not sounding much of a friend and I think you need to use this as an opportunity to step back. She sounds like she would be a pain to be a bridesmaid for. Most of us have experienced someone we thought was a better friend than they were and the feelings of being let down that come with it. It is tough but use it as a learning experience.

[catgirl1976geesealaying]

WTAF uggmum?

You've told your friend to run right?

You cannot let her marry such a prick without at least telling her to run like te fucking wind

[ChasedByBees]

Uggmum

Tell the controlling twunt to fuck right off!

As for they won't hear of you just being a guest, you don't have to be a bridesmaid, just refuse! There's no way that behaviour is appropriate.

[Sianilaa]

Thanks everyone, I know I am def BU about the bridesmaid thing and I haven't mentioned it.


We are going to have to have a serious cake chat! Her mum sent me an email this week to ask if I could also do a big ornate "surprise" cake for her as well... On the same day. Baked by someone else! I said NO.


OMG uggmum, that is unbelievable!


To the poster who asked, I don't think I turn down many invitations - I try really hard to go out as much as possible as I'm aware it's a two-way street. There are a few things I've had to drop out of last-minute due to child illness/accident kind of things but generally I try really hard to be where I'm supposed to be :) in fact, I'm the "organiser" generally. I have backed right off this last year as I was sick of being the only one making any effort. Guess they aren't bothered! I did enjoy the invite to a roller disco when I was 39 weeks pregnant... Bless, at least they asked that time.

[Sianilaa]

Oh and the wedding is in one month.

[uggmum]

To be honest it is a bit stressful. I have tried to have a gentle chat with the bride from the angle of not ruining the photos and offering to step down etc. the groom is quite image conscious so I thought that would swing it for me.

I think my left leg weighs more than 9stone so it's going to be a challenge

[ZZZenAgain]

well done saying no.

Keep on saying it

Maybe they genuinely have no idea how much work is involved in it

[NewYearNewNN]

Uggmum my jaw has literally dropped. A 'groomzilla'!

OP you must tell bridezilla, in writing, cc-ing the email to absolutely everyone who has any remote involvement, that your professional pride and business reputation will not allow you to commit to the current plan for cakes. Come up with a do-able alternative that doesn't involve you sweating for hours on end the day before and morning of her wedding, with costs, and give her a deadline to respond, after which the offer will be withdrawn.

And enjoy your new friendships, as I fear this one is already irretrievably ruined by her behaviour.

[ZZZenAgain]

wow monitoring the weight of your bridesmaids is extremely strange

[NewYearNewNN]

Wow fastmoving thread, loads of xposts!

[KateByChristmas]

Uggmum tell them to fuuuuuuuuuuck off! I'm disgusted on your behalf. WTAF!

[Viviennemary]

YANBU. She hasn't treated you very well at all. If the thought of making the cakes is stressing you out then say you are very sorry but you are just not able to do the cakes. If you don't want to do the cakes then don't do them. She sounds more than a bit overbearing and controlling. About time she was told to back off. Send it in a text if you can't do it face to face. There is no point worrying about this or leaving it any longer before you tell her.