AIBU and should I get over myself?! Possible bridezilla?

[Sianilaa]

First AIBU posting and donning my flameproof overalls :D

This will probably out me if anyone recognises it but I need to know if I'm being all "me, me, me!" or if not, what to do about it. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

I've been very good friends with this girl since we were 18 (12 yrs). She is 'guidemother' to my eldest son, she was my bridesmaid when I married. I think (thought?) the world of her. I would have dropped everything if she needed me. Everyone loves her, she's been a bridesmaid about 10 times in the last couple of years. Popular, lots of other friends but we always appeared to be close.

She is getting married in a month. When she announced it, I joked about her having to have 20 bridesmaids. She went quiet and said she wasn't going to have anyone to avoid upset. Transpires she is, a mutual friend. The reason being this girl has no sisters and has never been a BM. Neither have I! So I was gutted but smiled and decided to get over it.

She has decided to have about 10 cakes, one as a centrepiece of each table and she wants me (I decorate cakes) to do them all at her house the day before the wedding. I have tried to tell her this is very unrealistic but she won't have it. She is buying all the bits and a family member is baking the actual cakes so I can't get the cakes any earlier than the day before the wedding. She has changed her mind about number of cakes and designs several times. There are 4 different designs she wants me to do. I am stressed beyond belief and have turned away paying work for this. I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh.

She sent an email about her hen weekend - the weekend of my son's birthday and party. The boy she is guide mother to. I sent a cheery reply that I was sad I wouldn't be able to make it and was told I had to be there so please rearrange his birthday party to a different weekend. I won't miss his 5th birthday so am going along later than others when he is in bed and have (grudgingly) moved his party to the weekend before as he won't really care either way.

I offered my services to the bridesmaid, to make a cake or something for the hen. Got told no, she was asking someone else to do a cake and my help wasn't needed.

To top it all off, I was sat at home watching Bridget Jones on NYE as DH was ill in bed and kids asleep early as they're young. Just seen a load of photos of a party at the bride's flat with lots of mutual friends in them. I am the only one with children but they could have asked? I cried. It's not the first time I've been excluded for having kids (if that's the reason, they're just in a very different place in their lives).

I feel like a total mug tbh. I can't back out of these sodding cakes as I don't want to be the bad guy right before her wedding and I don't want to cause her stress or ruin her big day. I am completely gutted. Clearly I mean nothing to her and need to move on but how do I do that without looking like a brat? Or am I in fact a brat and need to get over myself? I can hardly text her and say, "you didn't invite me to your party, I'm not your friend any more!" as I'm not 5. But I feel it at the moment!

dons hard hat

Thanks for not falling into a coma reading this far! ;)

[Binkybix]

Oh yes, update pls.

Ugg - does the bride know what he is doing and letting him?!

[DontmindifIdo]

Ugg - please please plase can you send him a text every week saying the same weight even if you have lost some, and getting towards the wedding, start adding some so you look like you are gaining weight. Each time say "I'm not going to be 9st for the wedding at this rate, just to let you know, but I know [bride] has picked her bridesmaids because she knows we care about her, not because the way we look!" It will piss him right off. Every time you see the bride, make a point of eating crap. Keep messing with them.

They either will fire you as a bridesmaid (then you can tell everyone at the wedding that you were fired as a bridesmaid because you're too fat, honestly, it'll make them look like complete arses) or she will insist on keeping you as a bridesmaid and it'll piss him off. this is a good thing, she might see he's rather controlling before the wedding!!!!

[ImperialBlether]

OP, she really is awful. She needs to be told it's completely ridiculous. Who has ten wedding cakes, ffs?

How long would it take you to decorate one cake to your own standards?

I pity the poor person making the bloody things, too, but not as much as I pity you.

I don't know how you agreed to do it, but I think you need a really firm word with her, preferably by email (so that you don't hear her scream and you have a record of what you said.)

[ImperialBlether]

Ugg, you say: I am a bridesmaid in december 2013. I've been told by the groom that all bridesmaids must be under 9stone in weight and he wants me to text him my weight every week so he can monitor my progress. I am a bit of a fatty and I have offered to duck out and just be a guest but they won't hear of it.

Please, please can you start a thread on this!

[JessieMcJessie]

Well she's not exactly taking her "guide mother" responsibilities seriously if she is not only planning to miss her guide-son's birthday, she wants you to move it to another day altogether for her convenience! I'd not only tell her to stuff her cakes up her arse I'd also fire her from the guide mother post (I do like the expression btw).

Uggmum, please tell us more- you are exaggerating, right? Nobody could be that rude and controlling, surely? What does your friend say about her fiance's demands?

[InExitCelsisDeo]

I would tell her to do one over the cakes.

[NotGeoffVader]

I'd say YABU about being a bridesmaid - realise it's horrible to be left out but there is a limit to how much reciprocation anyone who's been a bridesmaid can do when it comes to their own nuptuals.

However, YANBU about any other issues. I think you need to tell her that one day is simply not enough time to decorate all the cakes, and see where that gets you. If she won't back down then, as many have said here, I think you just have to grit your teeth, do your best, wish her well and let the friendship die off.

Or, you could decorate the cakes like this, this or this

[ventilatormum]

I have a great idea about the cakes.
Bake one yourself and decorate it in a really simple fashion now, in the style she wants. Sort of.
Go and see bridezilla with the cake, give it to her, and ask her to get each of the hens to do one each.
You meanwhile, as a lovely surprise, do the surprise cake the mother asked you to do , in time for the day.
You then do not get the blame for the muddle on the day, and you get the credit for the one fab cake.
Ten cakes on the day? No way. Lunacy, as you (as the expert) know. Get out while you can!!

[specialsubject]

game over at being told you had to be at a party despite having something else happening. No-one has to be at a party.

say you can't do the cakes due to her rudeness and move on. Not being a bridesmaid is an issue when you are ten.

[justmyview]

Re changing your DS' birthday party - what exactly did she say? If all she said was "Oh it wouldn't be the same without you, any chance you could consider having his party another weekend?" I think that would be OK. It was your choice to change the date or not

[pigletmania]

Imagine how much she is saving getting her cakes baked and decorated for free. She is nothing but a nasty freeloader, what she said to you, srry if the boot fits would be my reply to her

[CornyClam]

agree with piglet 100% - she's not involving you, she's using you.

[CornyClam]

Poor you OP. She sounds awful.

is she aiming to have the cakes in place of dessert or something? Is that why she wants so many?

Could you ask the cake baker to make a practice cake so that you can have a go at icing it and time yourself. Then you can explain to bridezilla why expecting someone to ice 10 cakes in one day is not going to work.

[jumpingjackhash]

Wow, you are being very nice still to this 'friend'. I love the asshole cake idea (and wish I'd have the guts to do that!).

Uggmum - wtaf?! Hope the bride's wearing trainers on the day to leg it. Please tell us you told him to fuck off?

[pigletmania]

She des not sound like she I involving you but using you. Involving opwould be getting her to do a reading, helping organise hen do, or simple favours not this

[FryOneFatManic]

hackmum totally agree and I also would listen to their advice on what is doable as they have the experience.

uggmum I'd worry about your friend if I were you. If the groom is trying to be this controlling with you, what's he like with her?

[Viviennemary]

You have got to get out of this cake making for your own sanity. Make up any excuse you like. A sprained/broken wrist or you have been advised by doctor to leave off icing cakes for the time being as you have now got RSI. Only do this as a last resort.

[diddl]

And it´s not as if she won´t have 10 cakes for her centrepieces, is it?

They just won´t be decorated as she wants!

[diddl]

OK, so you told her at the start that 10 wasn´t going to happen & she didn´t listen.

Her fault.

Why do you need to do anything else other than keep saying no??

[hackmum]

If I asked a friend to decorate cakes for me, and that person was a professional cake decorator, I would pay them.

[peaceandlovebunny]

tell her you are feeling used and under-valued. give her a list - keep it factual. if she doesn't respond positively, tell her clearly and firmly you are out of the wedding arrangements and out of the friendship.
there's no reason to do her cakes. you owe her nothing. you are not her mum.
she's abusing your friendship and she needs sorting.

[msrisotto]

Oh and I would ignore and avoid her after the wedding. She's the one burning bridges here, not you!

[Inertia]

Sounds as if you should probably be thankful you are not a bridesmaid - can you imagine the tirade of demands that poor woman is having to put up with ?


Re cakes : I would tell her now - in person, by email, and copying her mother and ideally the baker - that you don't ice other people's cakes and icing 10 in a day is impossible for one person. However, as a wedding gift, you'd be willing to bake and ice 2 small cakes, and she'll need to have other people do the rest.

[msrisotto]

Umm, so it is getting a bit late to drop out. It would be nice to but if you're anything like me (slightly less assertive than I could be!) then you're not going to drop out.

I'd get in touch with the person baking the cakes. Hope they're more reasonable and will make madeira cakes. Surely they can't do 10 cakes in 1 day so they can bake them some time beforehand (can even freeze them), giving you both more time; less stress for them and you.

I think you need to speak to her in person. You can email her first with the points/problems for discussion if you think you'll get bulldozed. As you've said, you can only do a proportion of the cakes she wants. Don't take on her demands and anxiety, you know what you can do so don't stress about not doing 10 cakes, that was always ridiculous.

This is going to be a bitter pill to swallow but you'll know what to say should this ever happen again!