to struggle with going to a "child free wedding" when my baby is 5 months old?

[squidkid]

So I am basically working myself up into a guilty mess about this.

Baby will be 5 months old when a close, old friend of mine is getting married. She has said there will be no children at the wedding so everyone can "let their hair down". Initially (while pregnant, this wedding has been planned for ages!) I thought 5 months would be a good age to have my first night away from baby, get drunk, have a laugh. But now babe is 3 months old and I am really struggling with the idea!!

I have already cancelled the hen do (when baby is 4 months old) - it is a 4 hour train journey away and I am exclusively breastfeeding and even though boyfriend is great with baby I think I will just spend the whole time feeling anxious about it all, and expressing milk miserably in a toilet every 2 hours. So my friend was very nice about that, but obviously I still have to go to the wedding, and she is trying to book our hotel and asking if I want to stay for two nights or one - there is a lunch the next day, etc... but now I don't even feel ok about staying overnight.

I am not this person at all usually - I was out and about with baby very early, and I went to a gig (my mum babysat) at 2 months and out for a meal for my birthday and a spa trip and things like that at 3 months. I consider myself an independent person and I still do LOTS of things and social events even with a newborn. But overnight just seems too much and makes me tearful to contemplate. I'm not even sure why.

I do also get engorged really easily it seems and the thought of expressing every few hours is miserable.

The wedding is 2.5 hours drive away and I want to just go for the day - maybe leaving at 7pm-ish (first dance, cutting of the cake, whatever) so I can be back home in time to have a night's sleep and feed baby as usual in the morning (5am ish). Boyfriend thinks I am being silly a loser and that overnight would be fine. My baby is really lovely - sleeps very well - my mum is great with her and very willing - I don't think she'd have a problem, it's just me.

I feel really bad! I don't know what to do, or say to my friend! Am I being a massive loser...

Basically boyfriend feels it's a bit insulting to leave a wedding early, to not drink and dance with them in the evening, etc... what do you think...?

(This is why I never want to get married - good god the issues weddings cause!!)

Yanbu. DS is 8mo and I wouldn't be happy to leave him overnight. I'm sure your LO would be fine but it's ok to want to come straight home to her - she is more important than your friend.

If it is such a good friend, can you not just explain to her that your baby is EBF, and will need to be there?

If not, I wouldn't be going, tbh. No way could I leave a 5 month old that long.

Is boyfriend going to the wedding too? If not, why not take him with you and have him stay in the hotel with the baby? Then you can pop back to do feeds/ won't be away overnight. Or take your Mum, if she's the one doing the childcare?

Could you afford to bring your mum with you? Don't know whats nearby but maybe your mum could go out for the day with the baby while you're at the wedding then you could see her in the evening to feed her?

Yanbu.

I'd be the same and think your compromise sound very reasonable.

By the way, I don't think its in the least rude to go to the wedding and leave early - several of my friends who had small babies did this at our wedding (though there was no baby-ban at the wedding - they were all just too knackered to stay out late!).

YANBU. I think it's fine if people want child-free weddings, but insulting if they decide on other people's behalf that they would prefer it. We invited children and babies to our wedding and figured that anyone who wanted to go without their kids could choose not to bring them.

In your shoes, I wouldn't go.

I always think it's sad when people choose child-free weddings (they seem kind of joyless to me) but each to their own.

You don't have to go.
Your friend's choice to have a child free wedding.
Your choice whether to go.
However, explaining that, and your reasons why, to someone who (I assume) has no children will be tricky.
We asked the bride and groom v nicely if we could bring DS with us to a child free wedding when he was 6 months old - he wasn't even cruising at the time. They were happy to, and he looked on from a sling or slept most of the day.

You'll get loads of people telling you that YABU, and loads saying that the bride is. I don't think either of you is, but that you have different priorities.

YANBU to feel that way if that's how you feel. Other people would be fine with it, I don't think i'd have even gone for such a long day trip away from my dd at 5 months. (I'd have dragged my mum along to baby sit at the hotel so I could go 'home' to the room to see baby ) Neither is wrong, different people parent however suits them and the children. Hope you work it out in a way that works for you all.

It's 2 months away yet and you've said your mum is great with her. When the wedding comes around it may not be as much of a problem for you. If you really think it'll be too much to be an all nighter then your boyfriend should be more understanding-I'm sure he wont miss out too much by leaving a couple of hours early.

A childfree wedding is usually a childfree wedding so asking to take baby along wouldn't be on.

yanbu
go and come home ,

i think it's fine to just go for the day.

When my DC was 7mo I went to a child-free wedding. My DH and I took turns in going to different parts and stayed in the hotel where the wedding and reception was taking place. So I went to the ceremony, he went to drinks reception, I had dinner and he had the rest of the evening. My friend thought I was a bit dippy at the time, until she had her own DC and then said she then understood why I'd done it! Think most people wouldn't do it this way. But its one suggestion for you - could your DP come up with you and just do something during the day and then you could pop back and forth a bit?

Think the compromise is very reasonable. We had to leave 2 weddings early for the same reason when DS was 2 and 3 months. Bride and groom on both occasions were very understanding. Tbh, it took me a long while to feel comfortable leaving him for any length of time. We went away for 2 nights in the lakes (2hr drive away) for our honeymoon when DS was 1, and we missed him something rotten. All my friends think I'm barmy, but that's just how I feel

Is it possible for your mum to come with you to the wedding? Get her a nice suite in the hotel, rather than baby being 2.5 hour journey away? She can look after baby whilst you are at wedding ceremony and reception, you could pop back to room to feed? Just an idea, not sure if it's something you'd consider. That way you can still enjoy the evening, as it sounds like you'd really not enjoy yourself through missing your baby so much. That's what I'd try to do, just so everyone is happy and no one is left feeling letdown.

YANBU - my DS is 10 MO (and still BF) and although I can now happily leave him for a 8 hours or so in the day, or to go out for the evening, there's no way I'd leave him overnight - I'd just be anxious and miss him too much.

Your compromise sounds very reasonable to me - probably what I'd have done in your situation although I think it's rude to have a babes in arms (who could well be bf) free wedding

Just go for the day. Do what you feel
Is right for you.

I don't understand why people want child free weddings... But that's another issue. I won't be having a wedding either OP!

Yanbu at all.

Child free weddings are fine but it often means people can't attend or need to leave early.

I am a bit annoyed about the "child free" thing tbh but she doesn't have children and she is a great girl and I think she just doesn't understand? And I'm not sure I want to stress her out about it (even though I think it's unreasonable) because she is very stressed about the wedding already.

I love her, I just feel she's (probably without realising) put me in a bit of a difficult position. She would be mortified at this thread, she is quite sensitive and one of those people who always tries to please everyone and somehow ends up tying herself in knots - do you know the type? I'm just really struggling working out what to do and how to tell her.

Taking my mum is a thought. It would be expensive though.

I think the solution is to arrange for your bf/mum to spend the evening in the hotel room, with baby.

If you're having a blast dancing the night away, great (& you might well be, 2 months is a long time in baby terms!) - if not, plead exhaustion & have a lovely early night in the hotel with baby.

Or are you supposed to be sharing the room with other guests?

Take your DP and the baby - you go to the wedding and he stays with baby in the room / the pool / walks in the grounds or out and you go up every two hours to feed? All stay over, tell her you will be havibg breakfast as a family so if she would rather, you wont join her for that bit, and would head home after that?

I second perhaps taking your mum and hiring a cottage or another room if reception in hotel. That way you can enjoy wedding and your baby.

Xpost with raven.

I hate weddings that dictate against children - especially young babies, ffs! I wouldn't go, myself - not because I can't leave DCs, but because I hate being told what to do. You sound much more accommodating than me, OP! I think it's entirely fine to leave early evening to get home, if that's what you want to do (it's more than I'd do) - don't let the bride or anyone else make you feel bad.