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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to struggle with going to a "child free wedding" when my baby is 5 months old?

100 replies

squidkid · 01/01/2013 15:38

So I am basically working myself up into a guilty mess about this.

Baby will be 5 months old when a close, old friend of mine is getting married. She has said there will be no children at the wedding so everyone can "let their hair down". Initially (while pregnant, this wedding has been planned for ages!) I thought 5 months would be a good age to have my first night away from baby, get drunk, have a laugh. But now babe is 3 months old and I am really struggling with the idea!!

I have already cancelled the hen do (when baby is 4 months old) - it is a 4 hour train journey away and I am exclusively breastfeeding and even though boyfriend is great with baby I think I will just spend the whole time feeling anxious about it all, and expressing milk miserably in a toilet every 2 hours. So my friend was very nice about that, but obviously I still have to go to the wedding, and she is trying to book our hotel and asking if I want to stay for two nights or one - there is a lunch the next day, etc... but now I don't even feel ok about staying overnight.

I am not this person at all usually - I was out and about with baby very early, and I went to a gig (my mum babysat) at 2 months and out for a meal for my birthday and a spa trip and things like that at 3 months. I consider myself an independent person and I still do LOTS of things and social events even with a newborn. But overnight just seems too much and makes me tearful to contemplate. I'm not even sure why.

I do also get engorged really easily it seems and the thought of expressing every few hours is miserable.

The wedding is 2.5 hours drive away and I want to just go for the day - maybe leaving at 7pm-ish (first dance, cutting of the cake, whatever) so I can be back home in time to have a night's sleep and feed baby as usual in the morning (5am ish). Boyfriend thinks I am being silly a loser and that overnight would be fine. My baby is really lovely - sleeps very well - my mum is great with her and very willing - I don't think she'd have a problem, it's just me.

I feel really bad! I don't know what to do, or say to my friend! Am I being a massive loser...

OP posts:

yousmell · 01/01/2013 19:52

Some child free weddings still allow babes in arms. Can you ask?

Expain that you are BFing and can't separate over night.

I'd go but take baby. Even if your mother/hubby has to babysit in the room/grounds/non wedding areas.

In the past I haven't attended child free weddings despite only having babes in arms.

Startail · 01/01/2013 19:54

My 14yo drank my dads champagne and he toasted the bride in Coke at the last two weddings I've been to.

The world hasn't ended.

MrsNPattz · 01/01/2013 20:23

Yea lovelyladuree totally inappropriate and uncalled for! OP is doing a wonderful thing for her little one!

Mia4 · 01/01/2013 20:58

Friend is not BU to have a CF wedding. Two friends plans to have one each and much as it will put a couple of us out, it's their day, one is CF herself and is having a tiny wedding while the other has a DP with friends and faily with some really horrifically behaved kids-so they are CF not to upset close friends and family by only inviting some.

I very much doubt, unless she's a bridezila, that she will worry about you leaving early. She'll be so overwhelmed with so many others and the evening guests tbh, as long as you are at the important part-ceremony and meal.

Your partner is BU, don't fret.

TheCatIsEatingIt · 01/01/2013 21:40

If she's a close friend, it can't hurt to ask whether you can take the baby, she can either say yes or no. At our venue, babies didn't cost, but did count towards the head count, so there wouldn't necessarily have been a space, but if anyone had asked to bring a small one, we'd have given them a space if one came up.

Damash12 · 01/01/2013 22:44

Yanbu your plan of doing the day things and leaving after 1st dance is perfect. The bride will understand surely and if having a good day will not even notice you've gone. Don't stress, follow your own instinct.

MDUK · 01/01/2013 22:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable not to want to leave your child but I do think you are being reasonable if you take your child.

It's their wedding, their choice on what they do and if they want it child free that's their prerogative. I have missed 2 family weddings for that reason. They were both a long way away so i couldn't just go for the day. We don't have family or friends close by that we could leave them with but tbh i didn't want to leave them.

if you can go for the day then do that, its not rude to leave early, particularity if you explain you are doing it as you have to be home for your child.

5madthings · 01/01/2013 22:50

lovely seems to be good at making rather pointless comments

Op what you have planned is fine or taking your mum along so she can stay near by with baby. And it may be worth asking if you can bring baby explaining about bfeeding to your fruend.

Many child free events still say babes in arms are ok.

dayshiftdoris · 01/01/2013 23:35

Lovely
Strange comment and even stranger is that you seem to be saying that if you formula feed your baby then you are quite happy to leave your baby when they are really very young...
My experience with friend is that regardless of the feeding method they find it really difficult to be away from their babies.

OP - I really feel for you and remember feeling the same... I know it will be expensive but either share the work with DP or take your mum. Atleast you saved money on the hen weekend.

Myliferocks · 01/01/2013 23:39

I left my 3rd child for the weekend when she was 5 months old to go to a wedding but I wasn't breastfeeding.
I also left my 5th child from early Saturday afternoon til Sunday lunchtime when he was 5 weeks old to go to another wedding but yet again I wasn't breastfeeding.

holidaysarenice · 02/01/2013 02:55

Under no circumstances can you take that child to the wedding when they have said child free. Its also very difficult for them if you ask, as if they say yes then how is that fair on others.

I think the compromise is to take your mum and nip up for a feed etc or you go early and dp could stay and party? Or cud mum just bring baby over for a feed in the evening and go again? Or is it to far?

Moominsarescary · 02/01/2013 03:50

I think your choices are to take your mum or leave early. Explain to your friend that you don't feel ready to leave the baby over night so will be leaving early evening and see what she says.

Don't ask to bring the baby, it is totally up to her if she doesn't want dc, even very young ones at her wedding.

gimmecakeandcandy · 02/01/2013 09:22

lovely massive chip about bf much?

Op - yanbu at all. I would not leave my 5 month old and your friend should understand, especially as you are ebf (which is brilliant by the way)

Can you and your mum share a room at the hotel? That way it won't cost more will it? Get one with two single beds. But talk to your friend and she may be fine with your baby coming.

Ps - your partner is being a dick in his attitude

TheSecondComing · 02/01/2013 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gracelo · 02/01/2013 09:36

For me the biggest issue would be the need to express. It's ok in a familiar situation like at work where there is a dedicated room (I used our stationary cupboard, twas quite cosy) and an easily accessible fridge for storage but it sounds like faff at a wedding venue. That would be my main reason for not staying the night because it means more expressing during the day and in the run up to the wedding.

CaseyShraeger · 02/01/2013 09:41

One point to make is that you probably won't be as engorged or having to express so frequently at 5 months as you are now - there's a big change over that period.

I think in your position I would probably book the hotel, take the baby with me and either hire a babysitter through the hotel (cheaper option) or book an extra room for your mother (more expensive option). If you are going to go but leave early I'd probably make it a bit later than you are suggesting (especially as things will almost certainly overrun).

At the same time, if you are expressing well and your baby is taking a bottle well your boyfriend is right that you'd almost certainly be fine going overnight. The idea is clearly making you uncomfortable, though.

VestaCurry · 02/01/2013 09:42

My best friend is having a child free wedding later this year. My dc's are much older than yours, but have become very close to her over the years and were so upset when I told them they couldn't go to her wedding, they so wanted to see her get married.
Her wedding will be some distance away, but luckily about 60 miles from close relatives of mine. We would not have been able to leave them at home as there's no-one to have them overnight. My relatives would happily have them stay with them, but we've actually booked somewhere a bit special for a couple of nights, so the dc's get to be somewhere great. Whilst my relatives look after dc's, take them out etc, me and dh will go to the wedding, stay for a bit after first dance then travel the 60 miles back and spend remainder of evening with dc's in the 'cool' place we've booked.

SizzleSazz · 02/01/2013 10:44

I disagree about not asking the bride. I think it is reasonable to - as i said, i hadn't really considered babes in arms (as i had no DC) and had no problem when one couple checked with me if they could bring their bf baby.

They did say they would only bring him into the actual ceremony if he was asleep, otherwise Dad would hang around by the back to nip out if he was making a fuss.

TheSecondComing · 02/01/2013 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 02/01/2013 11:21

God I am sooooo eternally grateful that no-one hassled me, questioned me, grumbled or asked me to make an exception for their PFB at our child free wedding!

It is FAR ruder to ask if your baby can come than to leave early.

It is the couple's choice to have no kids there, so work round it whichever way you want but don't involve the bride.

We chose no kids and an evening central London party wedding for same reason - so all the parents could get smashed and dance to Abba til the wee hours without putting their kids needs first for once.

It was fantastic and everyone had a top, top night.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 02/01/2013 11:22

What you are planning is fine - child free all day, home to baby at night.

YouOldTinsellySlag · 02/01/2013 11:40

Everyone has an absolute right to choose a child free wedding, as long as they don't complain if soem parents can't wangle it.

I agree you should keep the bride out of it. For all you know she might be getting a dozen calls asking for exceptions to be made!

OP I think spending the day and leaving to go home after the important bits is a great solution. I can't imagine any bride protesting that a BFing mother has to get back to her baby.

Shesparkles · 02/01/2013 11:52

PIC think YABU to be cheesed off about the couple wanting a child free wedding, it's utterly their choice. A relative of mine was getting married when I was the only one in the family with children and I went to great lengths to assure her that if they didn't want children there, then it wasn't an issue for us. As it turned out, she did want the children there, so it wasn't an issue, however if you can't work with the couple's preference, then you just don't go.

HOWEVER having said all that, I think your compromise sounds perfect if you really don't feel able to leave your baby overnight, and I think your friend would be delighted and probably quite touched that you'd made the effort to spend at least part of her day with her. As others have said, your baby is still very new, and with the wedding being a couple of months away, you might feel easier about being away overnight when the time comes

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 02/01/2013 12:35

"Everyone has an absolute right to choose a child free wedding"

Original poster

squidkid · 02/01/2013 20:52

Wow, so many responses.

Thank you all very much for your input. Lots of good ideas and things to think about.

I am leaning towards just going for the day (with boyfriend, we are both invited and both good friends with her) and trying not to make a big deal out of it or be too apologetic. Taking my mum is a clever idea, but it would be expensive and complicated. I don't have a room in the hotel where the wedding is taking place, it would be a hotel a few miles away.

As it gets nearer the time I guess I can decide how late I am happy to stay - you're right, in 2 months time things may all be different anyway. 2 months ago I really wasn't bonded at all with my baby yet and was exhausted and desperate for any time away from her I could get - I can't even imagine feeling that way now!!!

To clarify, I have never really enjoyed weddings and always found them a bit of a pompous chore so it's not that I'm desperate to go - HOWEVER I very much care about this friend and want to be there for her and not let her down. I am not going to ask her if I can take baby as I don't want to put her in a difficult position. I am certain my baby is not invited currently (as opposed to a general no kids rule) as she told me in person it was no kids at the wedding (when I was 37 weeks pregnant).

Thanks for your help.

OP posts:

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