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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to struggle with going to a "child free wedding" when my baby is 5 months old?

100 replies

squidkid · 01/01/2013 15:38

So I am basically working myself up into a guilty mess about this.

Baby will be 5 months old when a close, old friend of mine is getting married. She has said there will be no children at the wedding so everyone can "let their hair down". Initially (while pregnant, this wedding has been planned for ages!) I thought 5 months would be a good age to have my first night away from baby, get drunk, have a laugh. But now babe is 3 months old and I am really struggling with the idea!!

I have already cancelled the hen do (when baby is 4 months old) - it is a 4 hour train journey away and I am exclusively breastfeeding and even though boyfriend is great with baby I think I will just spend the whole time feeling anxious about it all, and expressing milk miserably in a toilet every 2 hours. So my friend was very nice about that, but obviously I still have to go to the wedding, and she is trying to book our hotel and asking if I want to stay for two nights or one - there is a lunch the next day, etc... but now I don't even feel ok about staying overnight.

I am not this person at all usually - I was out and about with baby very early, and I went to a gig (my mum babysat) at 2 months and out for a meal for my birthday and a spa trip and things like that at 3 months. I consider myself an independent person and I still do LOTS of things and social events even with a newborn. But overnight just seems too much and makes me tearful to contemplate. I'm not even sure why.

I do also get engorged really easily it seems and the thought of expressing every few hours is miserable.

The wedding is 2.5 hours drive away and I want to just go for the day - maybe leaving at 7pm-ish (first dance, cutting of the cake, whatever) so I can be back home in time to have a night's sleep and feed baby as usual in the morning (5am ish). Boyfriend thinks I am being silly a loser and that overnight would be fine. My baby is really lovely - sleeps very well - my mum is great with her and very willing - I don't think she'd have a problem, it's just me.

I feel really bad! I don't know what to do, or say to my friend! Am I being a massive loser...

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 01/01/2013 16:01

she is entitled to have a child-free wedding. Don't bother her with your concerns - it's your problem to solve, not hers.

SchnappsDamnYou · 01/01/2013 16:01

If it was me I'd go for the day and drive with your mum and baby, so she could hang out nearby and you could pop out for feeds in coffee shops. Then home together.

--Telling her this might make her see what a pain a child free wedding is for parents of small
babies!--

Bajas · 01/01/2013 16:06

YABU in not understanding her choice to have a child free wedding.

I got married in the summer and the only children invited were nieces and nephews on both sides with the exception of a 6 week ebf baby.

If we had invited all children our wedding with 100 guests would have had 154 people at it which would have been totally unaffordable for us (maybe a disadvantage of getting married at the grand old age of 38- everyone has had lots of kids by then!)

However YANBU to leave early/ not attend if the fact that it's child free makes it impossible/ difficult/ upsetting for you to attend. If your friend is a good one she will understand your circumstances.

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/01/2013 16:08

It's totally ok to have a child free wedding but if you do you must accept that some guests with children will be unable to attend.

Equally as such its compleatly acceptable to not attend if your children mean you can't.

You as a potential guest have a duty to let them know you won't be coming ASAP if you are unable to arrange a alternative such as your mum travelling with you and staying in Room in the venue and you nipping up when needed.

It's certainly not rude to not drink booze nor is it rude to not dance or to leave early.

SarahWarahWoo · 01/01/2013 16:12

I am not going to a wedding for the same reason, this is in Italy and I can't bring myself ti leave my baby with a stranger or drag my DH to Italy to not attend the event if he looks after her. Just don't go? Giveva nice gift though and find a night ti habe a drink uo locally with bride before wedding

SarahWarahWoo · 01/01/2013 16:14

I got married June 2012 and invited children/ babies as so many of friends and family have them.....

SirBoobAlot · 01/01/2013 16:15

If you want to have a child free wedding, and want to invite friends with children, you have to be willing to make exceptions for those that have small children though (and by that, I mean under a year-ish).

Goodkingwalkingslass · 01/01/2013 16:19

My Ds will be 6.5 months old when we go to a friends wedding in February. He's ebf too. It's technically a child free wedding apart from babes in arms and there's no way I'd be going if Ds couldn't come. You aren't being silly or unreasonable.

Chunkymumma · 01/01/2013 16:21

YANBU I didn't go to my oldest friends wedding last year as it was child free, and my dd was 2! It was 5 hours away so would've been at least 1 night away. We considered taking my sis and bil with us, but with travelling costs and accommodation (not to mention outfits etc) it was way too expensive.
If you can afford it take your mum/sister along with you to babysit and stay the night then do that, otherwise just go for the day. I was bridesmaid for my bf a year ago, dd was flower girl. We stayed til 9.30pm - bf was perfectly happy with that.

angeltattoo · 01/01/2013 16:29

The bride is not being in the slightest bit unreasonable, those saying she is should realise she doesn't give a shit about feel the same way about your children that you do.

OP, if you cannot or do not want to go, decline the invitation, the bride has invited you and it is up to you to decide if you want to attend. She has chosen to have a child-free wedding, as such, she will understand if you do not want to go without your child.

If you want to go, you have options such as take your child and mum ir babysitter so you can feed/be close to your baby and attend the wedding.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/01/2013 16:30

I think I would go with the suggestion of taking your dp, or mum with you and only staying a few hours.

I'm sure your friend didnt mean anything nasty by saying she is having a child free wedding I'm sure we all have been in the situation before where somehow we have all ended up unofficial baby sitter while other parent(s) spend more time at the bar or socializing than watching their children. Sure she just wants to be able to enjoy her day and for everyone else to enjoy it to.

Just explain that you need to leave early. Sure she will understand :)

teacher123 · 01/01/2013 16:36

We had exactly the same situation when DS was 5 months, we paid for my parents to stay in the same hotel (room next door). They had him during the ceremony, bought him to me for a feed during the drinks reception, I went and had dinner, then nipped back to feed him and put him to bed during the speeches. My mum played on the iPad in the dark whilst he slept, and then we came back to the hotel at about 10pm and had a nightcap with my parents. Was lovely, but expensive. There was NO WAY I could have left him at that point. He's 8 months now and I reckon I could probably leave him now.

SizzleSazz · 01/01/2013 16:37

We had a child free wedding but babies were excepted from this 'rule'. No cost to the hosts of a small baby. We had a small venue - 66 people and if everyone had brought children the numbers would have doubled. Any small baby not requiring one of the 66 'seats' was fine.

I had one person check if they were ok to bring a baby as I had genuinely not thought about it when we stipulated 'no children'. Maybe your friend hasn't thought about it and you could just do a double check with her as she may be fine with babe in arms.

KittyFane1 · 01/01/2013 16:37

Assuming the wedding is on a Saturday, If you can afford to and if your Mum can/will help you out - Book 2 hotel rooms near to the venue, ask Mum (+Dad?) if she/they will come with you for the weekend to babysit on the Saturday and to be treated to a family lunch with you, your baby and your DH on the Sunday.

shellyf · 01/01/2013 16:38

I had the same situation years ago.My sister wanted a child free wedding so my dc aged 5 months and 18 months had to stay with pil.The wedding was in our home town 400 miles from where I was living.I only went so as not to upset my parents.I did turn down the offer of being bridesmaid though.
Ironically when she became a parent she was unhappy about child free celebrations!

NaturalBaby · 01/01/2013 16:41

The only time I've had a night away from my Dc's is when ds3 needed a night in hospital.
I would go with boyfriend and baby in the hotel room, then they're not far away rather than 2.5hrs away.

jellybeans · 01/01/2013 16:41

I wouldn't go unless felt happy leaving DC. YANBU. Just go to the day bit and leave early or make an excuse. Child free weddings are a bit stale aren't they. If people choose this then they have to accept some won't like it and some won't go.

blackeyedsusan · 01/01/2013 16:42

your boyfriend is the unreasonable one.

friend can choose child free wedding if she wants.

you can leave early if you want. it is not rude. you have other comittments.

you boyfriend is unreasonable because he is trying to make you feel bad, probably because he wants to drink and stay and have child free time.

DonderandBlitzen · 01/01/2013 16:45

Not read the whole thread, but when I got married i didn't put a good friend's 10 month old daughter's name on the invitation, just her and her husband. I've no idea why really, maybe i was thinking in my naivete that she would be happy to have a night off or something. Anyway she phoned and said her baby was still breastfeeding, so would it be ok to bring her. I said it would be absolutely fine. I didn't mind at all and in fact if anything she added to the wedding rather than got in the way of other people's fun. So definitely worth asking as she might feel the same way i did. ie not mind at all

Anothercuppatea · 01/01/2013 16:47

I'd feel exactly the same. Can you afford for a hotel room for your mum to come too? She can look after baby and then stay over once she hands baby back to you at 10 pm?

DontmindifIdo · 01/01/2013 16:50

Agree with Raven, if the wedding reception is at a hotel, then book a room at the hotel, put your mum (or a professional babysitter) in the room with your baby, slip away every time your baby needs a feed, have your phone on silent so they can text you to say come back up the room if your baby needs you.

Ask your friend for rough timings so you can work out good times to slip away to feed or to express if your baby isn't hungry when you've got a break (like a drinks reception).

We did this when DS was 7 months for a child free wedding in another country. The hotel had a very trusted babysitter they regularly used and I slipped away several times to see to him, then I gave up realitively early (11pm I think) to look after DS and let the babysitter go, and DH carried on partying for another 5 hours a bit longer. You could do it the other way round if it's your friend, your DP can take over care from the sitter and you carry on with the party.

DontmindifIdo · 01/01/2013 16:51

BTW - I babysitter might be cheaper than paying for a second room completely for your mum, but you'd need to be confident in them, and that you'd be happy to relieve them at a reasonable hour.

Arithmeticulous · 01/01/2013 16:52

Take your mum. Stick her in a room with chocolate, toys and a good book. And the baby Wink Nip up and feed the baby as you would. Move the baby into your room overnight, give your mum a lie in and spa treatment in the morning.

It can be done, it might be ££ but you have choices. If you want to go.

YouOldTinsellySlag · 01/01/2013 17:00

Go for the important bits i.e the ceremony and the speeches and then say you can't do the evening as you are BFing.

Only a mad person would be upset at that. You've made it to the wedding, but you have to get to back to your baby. I'd be more than fine with that if I were the bride and actually be touched that you put so much effort into attending most of the day.

Ignore your DP. Men are not generally experts on wedding etiquette!

ThalianotFailure · 01/01/2013 17:11

I would take your mum and have a really good time. Your friend is entitled to have a child-free wedding (the cost of children can be spectacular and it's difficult to exclude some but not others - what about parents with a baby and toddler - one can come, one can't? Best to say none at all) and of course you don't have to go - but I would. I think it can be easy to let friends slide when you have a baby and it's always worth making the effort if at all possible. 2 months is a long time away and by then you could be really for it - and a night in a nice hotel with your mum and baby actually sounds a lovely treat. You can go back to the hotel whenever you like, early or late, and you can make the lunch the day after, and your mum gets to have lots of time with her GC which I'm sure she'll love. Go for it!