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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to struggle with going to a "child free wedding" when my baby is 5 months old?

100 replies

squidkid · 01/01/2013 15:38

So I am basically working myself up into a guilty mess about this.

Baby will be 5 months old when a close, old friend of mine is getting married. She has said there will be no children at the wedding so everyone can "let their hair down". Initially (while pregnant, this wedding has been planned for ages!) I thought 5 months would be a good age to have my first night away from baby, get drunk, have a laugh. But now babe is 3 months old and I am really struggling with the idea!!

I have already cancelled the hen do (when baby is 4 months old) - it is a 4 hour train journey away and I am exclusively breastfeeding and even though boyfriend is great with baby I think I will just spend the whole time feeling anxious about it all, and expressing milk miserably in a toilet every 2 hours. So my friend was very nice about that, but obviously I still have to go to the wedding, and she is trying to book our hotel and asking if I want to stay for two nights or one - there is a lunch the next day, etc... but now I don't even feel ok about staying overnight.

I am not this person at all usually - I was out and about with baby very early, and I went to a gig (my mum babysat) at 2 months and out for a meal for my birthday and a spa trip and things like that at 3 months. I consider myself an independent person and I still do LOTS of things and social events even with a newborn. But overnight just seems too much and makes me tearful to contemplate. I'm not even sure why.

I do also get engorged really easily it seems and the thought of expressing every few hours is miserable.

The wedding is 2.5 hours drive away and I want to just go for the day - maybe leaving at 7pm-ish (first dance, cutting of the cake, whatever) so I can be back home in time to have a night's sleep and feed baby as usual in the morning (5am ish). Boyfriend thinks I am being silly a loser and that overnight would be fine. My baby is really lovely - sleeps very well - my mum is great with her and very willing - I don't think she'd have a problem, it's just me.

I feel really bad! I don't know what to do, or say to my friend! Am I being a massive loser...

OP posts:
ThalianotFailure · 01/01/2013 17:12

really up for it - doh

Bicnod · 01/01/2013 17:13

I'd ask your friend if you can bring the baby, your LO is still a babe in arms and totally dependent on you.

If your friend wants you there surely she will make an exception, most reasonable people would.

ellee · 01/01/2013 17:19

Well it's her wedding and she's not unusual in wanting it child free.

Personally I don't see why you don't just bring the baby and a minder? So baby is at hotel, with trusted monder, you can bf, pop up and down as you feel like and yet baby technically is not at the wedding!

Really, a 5mo is no hassle (save for the parents), they eat and sleep, not like a mad 2yo.

Also, I wouldn't bother telling her. She won't notice on the day and sounds like she has enough on her mind.

SantasENormaSnob · 01/01/2013 17:23

Personally I wouldn't leave such a small baby with an unknown sitter in a hotel.

Nor would I fork out for an extra room to take a parent.

I would go and leave early or decline the invite.

Tbf though I am not really into weddings.

TheSmallClanger · 01/01/2013 17:25

Don't ask if you can bring the baby. The bride is not being unreasonable in not wanting babies and children at her wedding.

Your compromise of attending for the day sounds perfectly acceptable to me, or you could have a travelling partner looking after the baby elsewhere in the hotel if you can afford it and want to.

YouOldTinsellySlag · 01/01/2013 17:29

Agree that you shouldn't ask if you can bring the baby as the bride may have had to say no to other people.

Personally, I prefer weddings with children, but I respect the wishes of those who have to go child free because of cost. One guest I know had five kids and it's tricky for a bride and groom to say yes to some and no to others.

Attend as much of the day as you can, the bride would be unreasonable to mind if you can't stay to the whole thing.

northerngirl41 · 01/01/2013 17:47

With Small Clanger - the baby was specifically NOT invited. Having bambino in the hotel with someone is fine, but taking it to the wedding will stir up a hornet's nest of resentment amongst those who have left their children at home and organised babysitters.

everlong · 01/01/2013 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsNPattz · 01/01/2013 17:58

I would be exactly the same, my little boy is 3.5 months and I'm not going to SILs hen weekend at the end of Jan a) as like you I am ebf and b) I don't want to leave him. Luckily he can come to the wedding. I think going for the day is more than fine, or the suggestion about taking your mum with you!

swizzles · 01/01/2013 17:59

Child free weddings have to be really well judged and I don't think this one is.

We had a child free wedding when we were 30 as most of our friends didn't have children and those that did had local parents willing to babysit. There were no babies. Our decision was based on this.

I went to a wedding recently where you actually couldn't hear the vows being said because of the awful Noise with children not being kept under control, so I really understand why people don't want kids there. Also as you progress through your 30s you find people have 2/3 kids and that adds hugely to the expense.

I think you should compromise and go for part of the day if you are happy with that. I absolutely don't think you should ask to bring the baby as its very unfair on others who haven't brought theirs.

The bride has every right to have the wedding she wants and can afford. Mind you I was once invited to a wedding 200 miles away on NYE extending to a two day celebration where no children were allowed. We had an 18 month old child at the time. We were told we could bring her provided we paid the £200 cost of a nanny who would arrive 15 mins before the ceremony and look after the baby half a mile across a field with hardly any lighting which meant we couldn't even go and check on her. Needless to say we declined and were not popular with the bride. She now has two kids and I wonder whether she ever looks back on those arrangements with different eyes.

ilovecherries · 01/01/2013 18:12

My sister had a child free wedding. I explained I couldn't leave my ebf baby to attend (it was 500 miles away) and obviously at my sisters wedding I couldn't expect my mum to babysit. My sister said that was my choice. So basically 50% of her blood relatives (ie me and her niece) weren't there. Our relationship has never recovered. Feel sad just thinking about it.

yfuwchhapus · 01/01/2013 18:15

YANBU. I would never have left my babies overnight at that age. I would ask if baby can come too, otherwise i would be tempted not to go.

jammin · 01/01/2013 18:15

If I were you, I would go and take your mum with you (or just your boyfriend if it's too expensive to take your mum). Get an inexpensive present to save a bit on the costs. Then, as others have said, you can see the baby and be at the wedding at the same time.

She's NBU to have a child-free wedding, although I do think she is inconsiderate not to allow babes in arms (have you talked to her about this? Maybe she doesn't realise how difficult it is when breastfeeding and would be happy for babes in arms to come?). That said, she is an old, close friend of yours. This is a really important time for her, and I'm sure she would want to you share it rather than half-heartedly attending and leaving early.

If you didn't have anyone to babysit, then I would think differently. But you have your mum (and your boyfriend) both of whom it sounds are more than capable of looking after the baby, and you have the perfect solution of having the baby close by to see throughout the day.

ChristmasJubilee · 01/01/2013 18:16

We don't go to child free weddings. Leave after the meal or take your Mum.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 01/01/2013 18:25

Christmas - don't you even try to find childcare?

Shelby2010 · 01/01/2013 18:31

I don't know that many people who would be happy (or could afford) to fork out for 2 rooms to attend a wedding. So although taking a sitter with you is a solution it's not one I'd choose.

Personally I would explain to friend that you can't leave the baby overnight as you are bf & therefore will have to leave early. If she is disappointed by this she may reconcider & extend the invite to the baby as well.

I don't think you need to worry about whether this is 'fair' to other guests - not your problem, they can make their own decisions.

BrandyAlexander · 01/01/2013 18:38

The 2/3 occasions that we have been invited to a child free wedding, when I was breastfeeding, I didn't go. Simple as that. They didn't care enough about my attendance to make allowances for a young baby (their priority was themselves on their big day) and I didn't care enough to be there (because my priority was my child). Neither of us were wrong in our actions. So, either don't go if you don't care enough or just go for the day or bear the expense of taking your mum if you really care about being at the party. I think your proposal of going for the day and leaving at 7pm is a good one and your bf needs to grow up and realise that your social life is inevitably going to change with young children.

Cerealqueen · 01/01/2013 18:40

Is it definitely child free, even babes in arms? Could she make an exception for little ones under 6 months, as it your DC cries etc you could make a quick exit out of ceremony? or do as I did and just put her on the breast anytime she seemed a little whingey

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 01/01/2013 18:48

I agree with the other posters about children vs babies. We had a child-free wedding but not a baby-free one! I think we probably had about 4 or 5 small babies at our reception!

Check with th bride and / or take your mum. Hope you have a lovely time.

Binkybix · 01/01/2013 18:54

We had a child free wedding but, like others, this didn't include breast fed babies - they were invited! We got in touch with everyone with children to talk to them about it before hand.

ImperialSantaKnickers · 01/01/2013 19:02

It's very likely as a non-parent, she has no idea of how difficult it is to leave a bf baby for more than a couple of hours, and while I appreciate you don't want to 'flap' her any more than she already is, I think she needs to be made aware of your problem.

Having said all that, lots of sensible solutions here, hope one works for you.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/01/2013 19:11

I'm
Surprised at how many people take it so personally. I totally understand y someone might request no children. Lots of people strange venue loud music etc can freak out and upset even the most sociable and well behaved children. Plus alot of things r on the clock, churches r booked for a certain time and any disruption could set back any other service due before or after. Not to mention the extra money incurred after breakages or damage to the venue or furniture. I'd have no problem asking an adult who got stupidly drunk acted like an idiot and broke something, for money for damages but I'd not be able to ask if it was a child who broke it by accident.

And then
There's the risk of that one idiot guest who always gets loud or swears or does something that is not appropriate infront of a child. For these reasons alone I would always worry a out having children at the wedding if I ever got married. It's all very well saying breast fed babies can come but many people breast feed till two or beyond and how awkward would it be to allow one not the other when breast feeding is something people r so passionate about.

Then there's the obvious, that children would double even treble the number of guests that had to be paid for.

I would honestly be mortified if my friends thought I didnt care about them
Coming just cos I felt it best not to allow kids. :(

BooksandaCuppa · 01/01/2013 19:13

I would either take your Mum as others have suggested, or if you can't afford/don't want to do that, just leave early as you prefer. Everyone is different, but no point being there if you won't enjoy it.

As for the idea it's rude not to have a drink; that's pure madness!! Dh and I are teetotal (well I would do an alcoholic toast; he won't) - are we rude at weddings then???

lovelyladuree · 01/01/2013 19:36

Which all goes to prove why BF totally sucks and no-one could have sold me the idea for a million pounds.

MrsHerculePoirot · 01/01/2013 19:46

lovelyladuree what an immature and bizarre comment? Not sure how that helps the OP in any way...