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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if someone is happy living with parents

84 replies

atthewelles · 31/12/2012 14:14

then let them get on with it. A couple of people in work have just been discussing a colleague who still lives with her mother in quite a dismissive way. She's 38 and, from what I can see, her and her mother get on really well. I don't think she's one of those adults living at home who still behaves like a teenager; expecting dinner on the table and ironing done etc. She just seems to be happy living with her mum and I presume her mum is happy to have the company.

AIBU to think that some people are quite happy to live at home and other people shouldn't judge?

OP posts:
splintersinmebum · 31/12/2012 14:20

YANBU at all. Seems daft to me that people should fork out rent to live alone or flatshare, often somewhere grotty, if they would be happier living with parents and parents happy to have them. Fine if you want to move out but don't sneer at those who don't.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 31/12/2012 14:20

I can't even begin to imagine wanting to live with a parent at that age. I moved out when I was 16 and haven't looked back since. Wouldn't it be awkward having to as permission for a party or to have a partner stay the night or have to call if you are going to be late or if you decide to stay out? I think I would judge a little bit tbh, but I wouldn't say anything, each to their own.

Original poster
atthewelles · 31/12/2012 14:22

But Missy in any situation where you're living with other people you would need to get agreement to have a party or call to let them know you won't be home that night or whatever.

OP posts:
tzella · 31/12/2012 14:23

I couldn't wait to move out (at 18) and start my own life, and I got on fine with my parents.

I have to say that my prejudice lies on the side of it not being fine to stay at home forever. Go out and become your own person!

Ephiny · 31/12/2012 14:23

As long as the parents are happy with it as well, I don't see the problem. Not really other people's business anyway.

splintersinmebum · 31/12/2012 14:24

but that's you, MissyMoo; can't you just accept that others are different? And not everyone wants to hold a party. And who says you'd have to ask permission to have a partner stay over once you're an adult?

Pancakeflipper · 31/12/2012 14:25

I left home as soon as possible but I know several people who live with their mums and are very happy. Not sad and tragic but because they actually like it - it works for them both.

And they all seem to go on fantastic holidays.

I did initially think " errrrrr" but I was basing this on my experience of mother / child relationship.

Original poster
atthewelles · 31/12/2012 14:28

I have a good friend who still lives with her mother. She is glamorous, has a great social life, takes on an awful lot of the responsibility for maintaining the house, paying the bills etc and is actually a huge support to her mother.
Not all adults living at home are pathetic losers who have never learnt to stand on their own two feet. Often it's a practical choice which works a lot better than one person paying to rent a place they don't like while another lives unhappily alone with no support or help around the house.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 31/12/2012 14:29

Yes everyone is different. It wouldn't suit me to live with my parents, we can barely tolerate each other for a weekend tbh. But I know plenty of people get on better with theirs. Sometimes it makes financial sense to house-share (and some people just like the company) and there's no reason that shouldn't be with someone you're related to.

crashdoll · 31/12/2012 14:29

I'm 24 and live at home for various reaons, including health issues. Regardless of the reasons, I don't have to ask permission to go out. I do let my mum know where I'm going out of courtesy. I am treated like an adult and I act like an adult.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 31/12/2012 14:29

Yes I guess you are right about agreement to have a party, but its not quite the same as having to ask your Mum if its ok to have one and then have to either ask her to go out or have your Mum at the party. I haven't ever had a flatmate but I wouldn't be calling to tell one if I was staying out overnight.

I am only seeing it from my POV, I couldn't wait to leave my mums house, my brother is 36 and still lives there though and still gets treated like a child.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/12/2012 14:29

If there's anything some people latch onto to make themselves feel a little bit superior, they will find it and do so. In your colleague's case, they've homed in on the fact she still lives under the same roof as her DMum. It's none of their business and if they feel a bit better about themselves for not being in your colleague's shoes, I feel 'sorrier' for them than her.

crashdoll · 31/12/2012 14:31

I haven't ever had a flatmate but I wouldn't be calling to tell one if I was staying out overnight.

That's not very practical. You could be lying dead in a ditch for all they know. When I was living with friends, we text each other if we were staying out overnight.

FromEsme · 31/12/2012 14:31

I don't get on with my parents at all, so moved out at 17, can't imagine living here again. I once had to live with them for about 2 months waiting on a visa and it was horrible.

But if someone gets on with their mum/dad, fair play. If I had a good relationship with them and they lived somewhere I could get a job, why the hell not? The cost of living is ridiculous these days and loads of people in other countries live with their parents well into adulthood.

BananaBubbles · 31/12/2012 14:32

YANBU.So long as they act like an adult then there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

I'm living with my parents again after splitting up with my partner. I've no intention of going anywhere anytime soon. The house belongs to my mother and I though,so my name is on the property.

I was raised in an extended family,as an only child,and two of my uncles lived at home when I was young.My grandmother and mother owned the house together,my mother having moved back in,with my father,to help my grandmother out,and for a few years an aunt and her son moved in too.I loved it. And when I have children I'd love to raise them as an extended family.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 31/12/2012 14:32

but that's you, MissyMoo; can't you just accept that others are different?

Yes thats why I said each to their own.

BananaBubbles · 31/12/2012 14:33

In an extended family sorry.

It's definitely not for everyone though.

Original poster
atthewelles · 31/12/2012 14:33

I agree with Crashdoll. Even when I'm out with a crowd of friends we would often just text each other to say we got home alright. Certainly, if I was sharing a house with someone I would consider it both practical and considerate for them to let me know if they weren't going to be home.

OP posts:
halcyondays · 31/12/2012 14:34

Yanbu, if both she and her mum are happy with it, then what's the problem?

Ephiny · 31/12/2012 14:34

I guess there are two (at least) different things here. One is the situation where the adult 'child' has never grown up properly and is unable or unwilling to function as an independent adult, or maybe the parent is unwilling to 'let' them -- this is probably not particularly healthy for either of them. Or, there's two adults who happen to be related to each other, and who get along well, deciding that it would make practical sense to share a house.

tzella · 31/12/2012 14:37

Ehe and her mum may well be perfectly happy but actually they are relying on each other (too much) and not wanting things to change and their relationship to develop into an adult one. I think it's impossible to grow up properly without being independent.

tzella · 31/12/2012 14:38

x-post Ephiny

Thisisaeuphemism · 31/12/2012 14:38

I have loads of sympathy for adults who've had to return home because of divorce, finances, I'll health etc. but if they've never ever left home, I would wonder why. Even my own kids will be expected to leave eventually.

BananaBubbles · 31/12/2012 14:40

My children will be welcome to stay for as long as they wish when get round to having children,so long as they're behaving like adults,and taking responsibility for themselves.

nightowlmostly · 31/12/2012 14:42

I shared loads of flats when I was younger, and never once let anyone know if I wasn't coming home! I wouldn't be sat worrying about flatmates either, if they're adults then they don't have to account for their whereabouts IMO.

OP I don't know, I moved out at 16 and can't imagine never having lived alone. I think it's different if someone moves back in, than if they never left!