To think if someone is happy living with parents

[atthewelles]

then let them get on with it. A couple of people in work have just been discussing a colleague who still lives with her mother in quite a dismissive way. She's 38 and, from what I can see, her and her mother get on really well. I don't think she's one of those adults living at home who still behaves like a teenager; expecting dinner on the table and ironing done etc. She just seems to be happy living with her mum and I presume her mum is happy to have the company.

AIBU to think that some people are quite happy to live at home and other people shouldn't judge?

I never let my flatmates know where I was either, and it never occurred to me that it was any of my business when they came home . That sounds a bit suffocating tbh, I think for flatsharing to be bearable (for me, anyway) you have to allow each other a bit of privacy and mind your own business.

I don't have one single friend or aquantance that has moved out of there family home and lived alone they have all lived with another person - be it a flat mate or a husband or boyfriend.

Even a boyfriend I had who owned his own house lived away all week and shared a room in lodgings with a work mate!

I shared loads of flats when I was younger, and never once let anyone know if I wasn't coming home

Same with me - but I couldn't let them know as was pre mobiles, pagers & several of the flats I lived in didn't even have a phone!

How did we manage?

I'm in this situation, but my mother lives with me. It is my house, I pay the mortgage and all the bills, but she is too disabled to live alone since my father died. I could never rely on carers or put her in a home, so the situation is as it is.

We get on well enough and are both adults, but obviously the carer role has swapped from childhood. I also work full time which would mean that if she didn't live with me I couldn't have a dog, so I get something out of the situation too.

Ephin It's not about it being 'your business'. It's just that nowadays, when its so easy to send a text, its just considerate to let people know not to worry if you still haven't appeared home by the next morning.

I live with my mum. I'm 33 and dd is 13.

When I fell pregnant, my partner (we were engaged) left me. I had nowhere to go, so moved back in with my Mum and Dad.

When DD was 5 I was planning to move out, but Dad was diagnosed with Leukaemia. He was in hospital for 6 months almost straight, with a couple of weeks home here and there between his phases of chemo, so I stayed to support mum.

Dad was clear of the Leukaemia, but the day before he was due to come home, he developed a severe lung infection and died within 24 hours.

I decided to stay here with Mum.

It has worked for us.

I work, mum works, dd is at High School. We each have our own rooms. Mum helps out with dd - more so when she was younger obviously - I help out with the mortgage. If I wasn't here, Mum would have lost the house.

I can do as I please - no need to ask if friends/partner can come over etc. no need to find a baby sitter if i will be out very late or need to work late.

In some circumstances, it can work really well

In most of the flats I've shared in we would let each other know that we weren't coming home. Otherwise people would be worried. I was fortunate though most of my flatmates were pretty good friends and this represented genuine concern.

I've lived away from home for years but have had brief sojourns back between property. It is very disempowering but maybe that is just my Dad. He likes to show his love by doing things - washing your car, cooking food, worrying about when you will be home so it is easy to feel a bit suffocated.

I'm sure there are adults who have managed to work out a more equal living together relationship but many of the ones I've seen still have dependent adult children involved.

I hold my hands up. I am a bit a lot judgy about it.

I am wrong for being so. It's clearly my issue. And none of my business how other people choose to live their lives.

I just think that it's very difficult to be a fully functioning independent adult and live with your parents.

It more often than not throws you into a crap dynamic where your parents are still mummy and daddy and you assume the role of child or teen, instead of adult offspring. And they feel they still have the authority that they did when you were a child. And you have a situation where you are a grown up being 'grounded' by your parents, or given a curfew, or told off like a naughty child. And you react like that child.

Which doesn't affect me so why do I give a shit?

And such people go through life with little idea of the reality of it - paying bills, standing on your own two feet, making decisions that may bite you on the arse and living through them and learning from them.

Again. Doesn't affect me so why do I give a shit?

And I can't help thinking grow the hell up and make your own way in the world!

Which just means I need to pack away my judgy pants.

And often they seem so childlike. At a stage in life that is well below their peers. Because they are still living with their parents. And not independent. Because that changes you. Sorting everything out yourself. Juggling everything yourself. Furnishing and decorating your own home, hell, choosing where in your kitchen you want to put your kettle - it all makes you grow as an adult. And without it, you're behind.

But, it STILL doesn't affect me!

So my new year's resolution is to stop giving a crap if people choose to never leave their parents' home!

If people are happy do do it then its no one else's business. I couldn't be attracted to a man who still loved with his parents beyond the age of 30 though

Loved-lived!

Me neither, festive. It's a really unattractive quality.

Party because of the dependence and partly because of the excuses why they just have to live with their parents.

Like the rest of us moved out into mansions with millions of quid or something

sorry. sorry.

Non Judgement starts...

Now.

Its not something I feel comfortable with either, tbh, sorry. My 32 year old brother still lives at home with his mother. It is wrong on so many levels, the main one being she infantilises him and does all his washing and ironing. They are very co-dependent. It is not the natural order of things.

I lived with my parents until I was 31. I did have a gap of one year away from home living with my fiance but I moved back in with the parents when he died as I couldn't afford the place by myself.

It was about money for me. Unless I wanted to live in a dingy hole by myself, I had to live with my parents.

They never treated me like a kid and I never acted like one. They respected my space and I respected their home. I went to work, had my own car and paid my own bills and the rent as well.

I did actually have all my own furnishings, white goods, cooking utensils, bed, sofa... everything you need in a house. They were packed up in my nan's garage waiting to be sold off.

Things worked out well. They got help with rent, they got a lift to the pub/hairdresser/supermarket, I babysat the dog (don't ask) and looked after the house when they were on holiday. I had a cheap place to stay with people I got along with who helped me out in return when I needed it.

I don't feel that I was childlike or dependent.

My own view depends on whether they've ever left home. I don't thing it's odd when adults have to move back home through divorce, relationship break outs etc and it's only a temporary measure till they get back on their feet. That's prob quite common. But I do find it to be very odd when people have never left home. Ds is only six but I want him to be independent and self sufficient when he's older. There'll always be a home for him but I don't like the idea of him staying with me into his 30s for no reason!

Furnishing and decorating your own home, hell, choosing where in your kitchen you want to put your kettle - it all makes you grow as an adult. And without it, you're behind.

I have been through a lot in my life that has made me grow up. I grew up before I really needed to. I am not behind because of where to place a kettle. I have zero interest in decorating. Independence is so much more than that.

It's the norm in many countries.

You definitely can be an independent adult while living with your parents. I'm treated like an equal,definitely not like a child. It is my home too though,and my mother spends several nights at work,she has a job that requires her to do sleepovers,so perhaps that makes a difference,but even if you don't own the home I'm sure it can work if you have a good relationship with your parent(s).

I'm amused that so many seem to think it means that you can't possibly be functioning as an independent adult,particuarly considering the plethora of posts on these boards,from women whose partners act like children and do sod all to help them or their children.

Well I just hope that those who judge us are never put in the position I was upon my father's death. Seeing your elder four siblings wriggle out of any responsibility and leaving me at 25 to be the one who took on the care of my disabled mother, whilst also being the only one working full time, I'd say I'm the more grownup of the siblings.

DS and I live with my parents. I moved to another country when I married XH - the marriage didn't work out and I moved back to the UK and was quite ill for quite a long time - DS was 8 months old and it made sense to move back in with them and they have been a massive help with him. He's now 12 and we are still here. I do get on well with my parents and they are pretty easy going people. They are lucky as they don't have a mortgage but are retired so I contribute in other ways - bills, sky & Internet subscriptions, paying for decorating and general stuff that needs doing around the house as well as all housework/shopping etc. It does work for us and DS has had a very stable upbringing living in an extended family - but in the culture I was brought up living this way is pretty much the norm and not seen as odd in any way. DP's have a house in their home country and tend to go away for about 3/4 months of the year so we still have our own space. I did live away whilst at uni and for a few years whilst working so haven't always been here!!

yes. I know that it is far much more. The kettle itself as a physical object is not important. It was illustrative of the little things that people often don't think of but which do make you feel like an independent person in charge of your own stuff.

I think it very much depends on circumstances. I have a single friend in her early 50s who lives with her mum. But she hasn't always (I don't think) and she and her mum bought their current house together. Her mum is very old, needs a wheelchair most of the time and is mostly deaf - she needs a lot of help. Far from thinking of this woman as infantalised or lazy I think she's amazing. I'd love to think I could do that for my mum but I doubt I could.

I also have a few other friends in their early 30s with jobs and two living, married, healthy parents who live at home and I have to admit I'm a bit more confused by that. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, it's my issue to deal with. It just seems a little unnatural to me.

I still live with my parents but I'm only 21 and I don't think it's realistic to expect young people to be able to move out as soon as they feel like it, during a recession. I would love to have my own place but I am only on minimum wage at the moment and the only thing I'd be able to afford would be a room in a house share with a load of strangers, which I wouldn't be comfortable with. I'm saving like mad at the moment, whilst also paying some rent to my parents, and I'm hoping that when I have more qualifications and experience in my job and can command a better salary, I'll be able to move into a flat or little house on my own.

The fact that I have MH problems complicates things, I don't think my mum believes I am capable of functioning on my own (even though I went to uni 200 miles away and was fine), but that just makes me more determined to prove her wrong. I'm not going to go and live in some grotty little hole with a load of strangers just to prove a point though, I'd much rather stay in a nice house with people I know and trust until I can afford to live alone.

It all depends on the situation, of course. I can imagine many families for whom this option really is best: elderly or ill parents, financial reasons, etc. But I do think that sometimes it can set up a very unhealthy dynamic.

I have some relatives in the latter category. In one case, the woman is 33 years old and has never lived on her own. She is perfectly capable of holding a job, she's bright, funny, kind. But she has always lived with her mother, and I believe it has had the result of infantilising her. She has never had a romantic relationship. She does no housework. She pays a very minimal sum to help with household expenses. She texts her mother constantly if they are apart for an evening. I think she has been allowed to remain far too dependent on her mother in ways that are not good for her. I'm hoping that soon she will spread her wings a bit. She's recently mentioned looking for a job in another part of the country, and I hope that happens.

I don't see how being co dependent on someone is not the norm? Married people live like this thousands of them up and down the country - so why would it be wrong for other people with different relationships to live as co dependants?

When I say moved out and lived alone I mean into a flatshare as a student or something, not into a one bedroomed flat necessarily.

I find the recent thing of people not moving out of their parents house because they can't get on the housing ladder a bit odd, don't young people expect to share flats for a bit before owning their own homes these days? Makes me sound old but I'm only 32 and it was the norm then, what changed? I think it's good to share for a while, makes you learn how to get along with people and get used to being responsible before getting into a relationship where you live together.

The idea of getting together with a man who is going straight from his mum's house to living with me sounds awful. I'd far rather someone with a bit of time having been independent and learned how to look after himself and had to do his own washing!

kitchenjumble - could it be that your relative stays living with her mother in this instance due to her lack of confidence and not he fact that her lack of confidence is due to her staying living with her mother?