To think if someone is happy living with parents

[atthewelles]

then let them get on with it. A couple of people in work have just been discussing a colleague who still lives with her mother in quite a dismissive way. She's 38 and, from what I can see, her and her mother get on really well. I don't think she's one of those adults living at home who still behaves like a teenager; expecting dinner on the table and ironing done etc. She just seems to be happy living with her mum and I presume her mum is happy to have the company.

AIBU to think that some people are quite happy to live at home and other people shouldn't judge?

nightowimstly - when I was younger it was the morn to leave home the day after your hen do and I am not that much older than you - well possibly but I don't like to think about it..

ivy, I suppose it could be. But she seems very confident in many ways (professionally, etc.). And in any case, I would think that being on her own would boost her confidence. I really do adore both her and her mother. I just worry a bit, as this dynamic doesn't seem to be doing either of them any good.

I was living away from home (as in, thousands of miles away) from the age of 17. I do believe in the positive benefits of standing on one's own two feet in early adulthood.

I know many many people who are still financially dependent on their parents, well into their 20s and 30s. It's very easy for those sorts of people to mock those who live with their parents, but I don't really see a huge difference to be honest.

The fact that they are so deluded is the real killer. A friend of mine gets all his rent from his mum and dad - but he was telling me the other day how sad his brother is for still being at home. Hello?

Both my DCs live with me. My DS is 25 and my DD is 23.

When we bought the house we are living in, we bought bigger because they are both adults - we wanted then to have their own space. My DS has rooms with a separate entrance and is basically self contained.

They both come and go as they please, both independent, both have decorated their rooms themselves and in they style they wanted. They do their own washing/cooking etc

Neither of them can afford to rent/pay utility bills etc on their own - and I wouldn't want them to be living below the poverty line, which is what they would be doing

It works for all of us

kitchen - we never really know though do we - what may seem like a situation that isn't doing two people good - may be the lesser of two evils.

I can't see the difference between living with a parent or parents or living in a flat share or with a partner- it is people living together and getting something from the other people they are living with - be it finical assistance with the rent (i.e. shared rent bills) or assistance with living for the parents - possibly they don't have enough money to stay living in their own home without the help of rent from offspring.

My uncle was reunited with his eastern block family in the 1990's as he was allowed to return. His eastern block family were amazed that his five dc lived away from the family home and had set up home with their own spouses. There they lived together, grandmother sons daughter inlay children and grandchildren under the same roof -why move out when there was family to live with?

I have a colleague in her mid-20s who still lives at home, with no thought of leaving. She makes no financial contribution to the home. Apparently, her parents would prefer her to save her money so she can set up on her own later. But in fact she is saving no money, but spending it on having fun.
I can't imagine being this soft towards my own DCs if they were that age. I spent many years "roughing it" in shared room accommodation before I bought my own very small place. Why is that not good enough for young people anymore? How will someone who lives like that develop life skills? It's how I envisage the 1950s -young women living at home until they marry, when the husband takes responsibility for paying the bills etc.

Obviously there will be circumstances where it makes sense on a temporary basis, but just leaching off your parents indefinitely?

When the child lives with the parent to look after the parent - that is a totally different thing.

I think its swings and roundabouts in many ways. People who remain at home may be sheltered in some ways but they often end up as the ones who have almost total care of an elderly or ill parent while their more 'independent and mature' siblings breeze over now and again with a bunch of flowers and never stop to think of the daily sacrifices that their brother or sister is making or offer to take on some of the burden. You see that so often from adults who now doubt think they're so much more grown than the sibling who stayed at home.

I lived away when I was a student for 2 years. I also travelled by myself for a year.

I think this made me very independent.

However I moved in with my parents for a year when I was 23.

My sister stayed at home during uni, never travelled and got married to a man (12 years older than her) who already owned a house so at the age of 23 she had left home.

But to some she would be the more grown up one at that point purely because she had a house and got to chose where to place a kettle.

I have been independent, I started a life for myself 200 miles away from my home but in the blink of an eye that changed when my father died. I could have been a selfish bitch and left my mum to fend for herself with Social Services dealing with her, as my siblings sure as hell were not stepping in to offer her a home, but I decided that I'd move back to my hometown, buy a house for us both and take care of her myself.

I pay the mortgage, the bills and it costs me more to have her here than it would to live alone. I sacrifice my own chance to have a life of my own, but she's my mother and would have done it for me in a heartbeat, so I do it for her.

I don't tell people in RL that she lives with me because I have to take care of her, that would be a betrayal of her privacy. So people probably think I'm a childish person who can't cut the apron strings. Perhaps some of the people being judged by posters on here are in similar positions to me.

'I can't see the difference between living with a parent or parents or living in a flat share or with a partner- it is people living together and getting something from the other people they are living with - be it finical assistance with the rent (i.e. shared rent bills) or assistance with living for the parents - possibly they don't have enough money to stay living in their own home without the help of rent from offspring.'

But that isn't really what I was talking about, or what others in this thread are talking about, I think. If someone is fully financially independent or contributing to the household in some other way significantly, that puts a different spin on things. In the situation I described, there is nothing like that. And I do think in this particular case it has caused some learned helplessness and arrested development. Obviously, that wouldn't be the case in all situations.

It's interesting that you mentioned Eastern Europe, ivy. My DH is Russian, and he shared a room with his grandmother throughout his childhood. It was quite typical for families to live together, but generally speaking that wasn't through choice. There simply weren't any other options. As soon as my DH could, he applied for an apartment of his own (back in Soviet days) and lived alone before emigrating.

I think its wonderful they can live together like that!
It amazes me how utterly scathing people are of the people that get on so well with parents they can live at home...all to do with finances and costs etc...

I wonder if some people are bitter that they had to leave home at an early age and tough it on thier own....

you can contribute simply by keeping someone company - lonliness in old age has alot of other consequences and spin off problems....

YANBU - there is too much loneliness in this world as it is.
I could not do it myself (shudder) and I have lived apart from my parents since age 17.
But if it works I don't see any problem with it whatsoever.

Kitchen I think it is what the subject is about, I don't see the difference between living with parents to living with a flat mate etc.

As another poster states - there are plenty of twenty and thirty somethings who are living in their own homes married, but are reliant on their parents financially and therefore not independent and can not fully contribute to their own household.

There are other offspring who are living in the home they grew up in and fully contributing to the house hold budget.

I am happy to hear what you think this thread is about though - as I see it is about judging off spring for living in the family home past a certain age and my view is it doesn't matter who you live with.

I can't comment on the russians my uncles family were latvian and there was great fear and hatred between the countries which was why my uncle had not seen them for fifty years

I could pick a few other cultures though were it is the norm to have three generations living in the same home and not due to poverty

I moved out when I went to uni. 6 years later when I started my (well paid) job I moved back, because I was poor and exhausted and it seemed daft to live out when they wanted me home so I could get myself together and save for a house myself. I lived at home for 3 years then bought my own place round the corner. I'm very close to my parents and I paid them nominal rent and helped around the house and stuff but I HATE the idea of living with random strangers in a manky rental, and I love living on my own. So it worked out pretty well for all of us, as my family still have me close by to call on for favours and errands etc.

For some people it is just 'family helping family' not some kind of childlike sponging agreement.

Oh it seriously pisses me off when people judge this. I lived at home with my DM for longer than many of you on this thread. Not because I needed to, but because I wanted to. And DM was happy to have me there.

Whose business is it but ours? This is one area where judgement is absolutely unnecessary. As long as both parties are happy with the arrangement that's all that matters.

I have a friend in her early forties who has just moved out after living at home. She never really grew up ( or was given the chance to) and even now, lives over the road from her parents and still goes to there house for tea every night, and sees them at least once every day.

I moved out at 18 and now live about 300 miles away from my parents. I dont really understand how she can live as she does and I know she thinks I should move back 'home' ( she is an old school freind) so i suppose we both judge eachother.

However, in the last few years I have realised that we are both happy with our lot, she does not feel she is missing out ( as I feared) and i have no right to think I am 'doing' it right by living away from my parents.

we are both happy and that is all that matters.

I used to share a house with my mum - till the age of 32. It used to really annoy me that people would assume that she owned the house and I lived with her, like a child... I owned half the house and paid all the bills while in return she looked after dd so I could work full time. We did this for 9 years when I was a single parent.

You can't always look at someone who lives with their mum or dad and think they live the life of a child. It's not always like that at all.

ivy, I'm not sure I understand your post to me? It seems there is some hostility in what you have written. Was that directed at me? If so, I'm at a loss as to understand why.

My parents jointly own our house with DH and I. DH got a job which was a short commute from here when I was debating whether or not to go back to work after DD was born so we lodged with my parents while we sold our flat in London.

It rapidly became apparent that my parents were not able to afford the upkeep of the house and were struggling generally to pay the mortgage. When I also got a local job, my mum offered to help with childcare if we took on the bills and mortgage.

We've now paid off the mortgage and own the house in equal shares. The bills are split between us and the house is big enough to have completely seperate spaces - we share a kitchen and my parents often eat with me and the children when DH is late home but we also have separate sitting rooms, bedrooms, bathrooms and study and take responsibility for cleaning our own parts of the house. During the week, whoever is home earliest is responsible for cooking, at the weekends we cook separately.

It probably gives us more independance at the moment but we are planning to buy another house when the DCs are older to shorten DH's commute.

I live with my mum and dad. I am 27 years old. I lived with my dp for a year but it didn't work out (that is a whole different thread).

I am not treated like a child, it is like a house share but with people I get on with. I buy and cook my own food, I do my own washing and contribute to all bills. There is no curfew no permission to do anything I really do, do what I please with no disrespect to my mum and dad.

I could just about afford a house share, but whats the point I would gain no further Independence and I would be unable to save. I can't afford to live on my own.

It grates when people assume that I live with mummy and daddy and they do everything for me. The reality is that I cannot afford to live anywhere else and I am saving what I can. It also grates when people say 'I moved out when I was 6 and I was OK' yes you were that's fine, but MY circumstances are different.

Also, my gran lived with my parents so it is very normal in our family. It meant that my gran could stay at home until 3 days before she died as there was always someone around to help out.

I'm a little envious of all you that have such lovely relationships with your parents.
I had to move out at 16 and haven't spent a night at either parents house since.
This doesn't mean I'm a super cool independent 20 something. More like skint, had periods of loneliness and despiration and spent a long time wishing my family could of supported me at times.
Don't let anyone judge your situation.

sorry kitchen - no hostility , it was just you stated in your previous post that the thread wasn't about people living with others but that was my view of what the thread was about. If not then I am happy to hear what you think the thread is about as I wasn't sure?

Sorry for the misunderstanding, ivy. :)

I guess what I meant was that I think there is often a difference between people who live together as partners or flatmates vs. people who live with their parents. For all sorts of reasons, mostly having to do with the emotional content of the parent/child relationship, it can feed into some unhealthy dynamics. It is possible to get "stuck" in that sort of dependent relationship and have difficulty moving on to an independent life. Obviously this doesn't always happen, and I can imagine various scenarios which would be perfectly healthy and harmonious for all involved.