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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So Xmas Eve is for mum and NYE is for dad?

45 replies

VBisme · 29/12/2012 18:40

Totally expecting to be flamed, but would just like one reasoned argument against a 50:50 split.

DH and his ex have been divorced for 6 years, for every single year the ex has had the kids for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and DH has had them for NYE and New Years Day.

Every year he has asked for a change around, one year one way, one year the next, but this hasn't led to any agreement.

Can anyone think why a year around split wouldn't be the fairest option?

OP posts:
Arisbottle · 29/12/2012 18:42

Can you not spend Christmas together ?

RedHelenB · 29/12/2012 18:43

Well if they can't agree the only way is a court order. How often does ex h usually have them.

minibmw2010 · 29/12/2012 18:45

Am guessing because this way the ex wife gets the best of both worlds. Kids for Christmas Day bit then able to go out NYE and have a hangover sleep in the next day. Seems unfair.

Original poster
VBisme · 29/12/2012 18:45

Well we haven't so far, although she's been invited, I can't imagine it happening. (She cheated on DH and is uncomfortable around me and my family)

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 29/12/2012 18:46

Agree with RedHelenB.

Was this not brought up in the divorce and custody settlements?

Original poster
VBisme · 29/12/2012 18:46

He has them every weekend. But there is no court order...

OP posts:
Hulababy · 29/12/2012 18:47

Seems a bit unfair to your DH.

Can they not split Christmas Day? Christmas Eve and Day morning at one, then afternoon and Boxing Day at the other?

I know I would hate to not spend Christmas with my DD, as would DH. But if you are separated from your partner then you have to give and take really.

pictish · 29/12/2012 18:48

I think that alternate Christmases is the only fair way to do it.

mum11970 · 29/12/2012 18:48

When my step children were younger, dh and his ex always swapped days each year. One year Xmas eve, next Xmas day, and the same with NYE and NYD.

Arisbottle · 29/12/2012 18:48

But if you have stepson Christmas Eve and he is with his mother Christmas Day that seems fair.

If the mother has primary care, giving her NYE off seems fair .

We always spent Christmas together and then usually either we or stepmother would have a party for NYE so we would be together again . However on the odd occasion we were not together NYE we would have DSS so his mother could go out,

Enfyshedd · 29/12/2012 18:48

YANBU - I'm pretty sure DP & his ex have an agreement to alternate Xmas & New Year (I might be confused re NY as I think Xmas & NY were on normal contact days last year). Seems a bit shit to not allow the DF the chance to have the DCs on Xmas Day.

OrangeClub · 29/12/2012 18:49

Since we divorced seven years ago my exh has never had our son on NYE. Or Christmas Eve come to that. He has him from 1pm on Christmas Day until around 4pm on Boxing Day. I would love him to have our son every other NYE but he won't as he wants to go out. Every other year sounds like heaven to me.

financialwizard · 29/12/2012 18:50

Have you tried the 'we will have Christmas through to New Year one year and you the next' suggestion yet? If not ask for that in writing and if the ex still refuses (try and get the response in writing) I think it is legal recourse time.

My exh and I have the above arrangement via court order and for the most it works well (apart from when my boy wants to come home halfway through).

mynewpassion · 29/12/2012 18:50

Are you upset that your DH doesn't get them for Christmas or upset that he can't go out on NYE because he has the kids?

MrsS1980 · 29/12/2012 18:53

Sounds like mum is being rather unfair here - she gets to do the lovely Christmas Eve stuff and all day Christmas day and then gets to go out NYE! Not really helpful but just offering sympathy and agree you have every right to feel aggrieved!

ChocHobNob · 29/12/2012 18:53

The only reasonable argument I can think of is if Dad had very little contact with the children through their own choice.

But as your partner has regular, frequent contact then no, it isn't fair and they should share the special occasions.

He can't just go to court for it though, he would have to try mediation first. He will need to ask her to attend mediation to discuss the contact arrangement. If she refuses then he can apply to court.

OrangeClub · 29/12/2012 18:59

I haven't got any formal contact arrangements either, but to be honest if my exh wants to go out then he just cancels having our son. Usually the day before he is due to see him.

On the one year he had said he would have our son on NYE I bought a ticket to one of those themed parties at a hotel. He cancelled two days before NYE and I couldn't go. He seems to think that the responsibility for our son is entirely mine.

You seem very, very reasonable to me. Every other year is fair on all parties.

Original poster
VBisme · 29/12/2012 18:59

We'd love to have the boys on Xmas eve, but to be fair we've now made our own traditions for NYE.

I'd just like DH to have had the option to see his kids faces on Xmas morning, and the chance to go out together with friends on NYE. The ages they are now makes it less meaningful year by year.

Unfortunately the agreements required are too much for the adults involved.

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 29/12/2012 19:18

I don't think that it is fair at all. Best option, I reckon is Xmas with one parent and NY with the other one year, then the other way round the following year. I agree with MrsS1980.

DialsMavis · 29/12/2012 19:28

Alternate Christmas and NYE is the fair way. DC have one parent for Christmas abs the other for NYE, then swap the following year. My ex however doesn't agree, Christmas must be shared equally but he never wants DS NYE!

SantasENormaSnob · 29/12/2012 19:28

Yanbu

She is getting the best of both worlds here.

ChocHobNob · 29/12/2012 19:33

But it doesn't sound like the Dad actually cares that much to do anything about it Xmas Hmm

Original poster
VBisme · 29/12/2012 19:41

Chochibnib, are you kidding me?

Please give me a suggestion of what he should do?

We started asked about christmas back in September, we got confirmation on the 21st Dec about what she wanted to do, (but it was the same as every other year).

His option is to go to court, he doesn't want to put his kids in that position, I think he should, do you?

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 29/12/2012 19:42

ChocHobNob

Yeah, he should risk it all by going to court, only getting every other weekend for the sake of getting every other xmas.

FFS

Pooka · 29/12/2012 19:45

How is getting a court order to sort out access arrangements going to put the kids in a difficult position? Dependingn their ages, of course, really it's a discussion to behead etween the mum and dad, in court if no reasonable agreement is reached.