So Xmas Eve is for mum and NYE is for dad?

[VBisme]

Totally expecting to be flamed, but would just like one reasoned argument against a 50:50 split.

DH and his ex have been divorced for 6 years, for every single year the ex has had the kids for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and DH has had them for NYE and New Years Day.

Every year he has asked for a change around, one year one way, one year the next, but this hasn't led to any agreement.

Can anyone think why a year around split wouldn't be the fairest option?

Though actually, as previous poster has said, getting every weekend seems unfair on the mother?

Not sure why that is relevant mynewpassion

Sounds perfect to reasonable to request swaps.

Perfectly, not perfect to.

I said what he would have to do if he really wants to do something about it. He needs to invite his ex to mediation. Although mediators are not allowed to offer opinions, I am pretty sure they would go along with your partner and try and encourage an alternative Christmas arrangement.

Obviously this Christmas is too late, but for future years.

You started a thread asking if you are being unreasonable, everyone has agreed with you! Then you came back saying well actually we have made our own new years eve traditions now. I got the feeling that actually you were having a moan (which is reasonable and I can completely sympathise with because it isn't fair) but your partner has no intention of actually doing anything about it.

I also don't buy into this whole "putting children through court". The children are not involved if there are no welfare issues. They can be left none the wiser.

What would he risk by going to court Boney? He would be fighting for his children's rights to enjoy these special occasions with both of his parents.

Do the children want to spend Christmas eve with Dad? Are they near the age where they can start asking themselves for a change in arrangements. Perhaps Mum would change her mind if the idea was coming from the children rather than Dad.

ChocHob

He would risk losing what he's got. Annoying the Ex and losing all access to his children.

If all he is asking for is alternative Christmas days, do you really think that is likely? She could turn around tomorrow and obstruct his contact. If he really wants to spend Christmas Eve and Day with his children mediation/court is the only route with an uncooperative other parent.

Obviously I meant alternate Christmas days. Not sure what an Alternative Christmas Day would involve....

How old are the children?

We alternate so this year exh had him Xmas eve untill 12 Xmas day, next year I'll drop him off to exh at 12 Xmas day.

New year is the same, although we don't do anything new years eve and exhs family usually have a big party so for the last few years he's gone down there.

He has him every weekend. I'd say if this is the arrangement with the ops dh and it hasn't been to court then the ex is probably happy with the arrangement of ever weekend.

The kids are now 11 & 13, he's missed every Christmas Eve since they were 5 & 7. I think we can all agree those are magical times.

Yes, we have made NYE traditions now, because he wants the kids to have a good time.

My understanding of the legal system (and I may be wrong) is that at 11 & 13 the kids would be asked to give an opinion. He doesn't want them to have to do that. It smacks to us both of having to "choose" a parent.

I'd just like DH and his kids to spend Christmas together every other year.

They can still be asked, even without getting courts involved. Eventually, they are going to have to be asked for opinions on a number of things, not just Christmas. But mum could have already done this and this is what they want.

I don't think tabu to want that. Me and ex will be doing Christmas Eve has Christmas Day then the other comes to get him for Boxing Day. New Years is just who it falls on, he is too young to notice it anyway. Birthdays(his) are alternated too

ChocHobNob

Yes I do believe that it is likely, I have seen parents that had had almost 50/50 reduced to supervised visits.

YANBU.

You seem very accepting that the mother dictates the arrangements though. She told you what she wanted on the 21st? Of course she is going to want it the way she wants it.

Have you checked what the children want? If they want to spend an xmas with you then by all means discuss it with their mum, but otherwise I'd suggest just leaving it.
It's one day a year, and it sounds like your DH already has a VERY good arrangement for himself - I'm not sure what you do for holidays, but every weekend would mean that for the majority of the time, their mum is doing the every day childcare, school runs, homework, early bedtime and not having them for the majority of the day, or able to go out for the day with them due to school, whereas you're DP gets all the free weekend time to be more relaxed rule wise and do the fun weekend activities.
Obviously they must have decided this is best for the children, but i wouldn't begrudge her one day a year to have a special time with them. After all she is their mum and she's already been very accomodating by the sound of it.

Thanks for all your responses.

HopAndSkip DH is incredibly lucky to have the kids every weekend. In that time we cover all the homework and the music practice / sports training. If they have additional homework to be completed during the week they are allowed to skype DH for assistance.

They have earlier bedtimes at weekends than they do during the week because of how much we have going on, but that's just down to different parenting, (DH is slightly stricter than his Ex), so I'm not sure what relevance it has here. But the fact that you mentioned it required a response.

The kids are conditioned that Christmas is with Mum and New Year is with Dad, I'm interested to see their reaction when there realise the difference between the two.

Mum is obviously happy for their Dad to have every weekend or she would have put her foot down and changed it like she has with Christmas. So it isn't really relevant and I don't think it means your husband should forgo Christmas Day for that.

I do see your point about it DH doing more of the "strict parent" side of things then, but it will still be a lot harder to do days out/have special days etc with primarily school days with the DC.

Maybe suggest DH mentions to the DC "would you like it if me and mum discussed you staying here next year for christmas and with mum at new years instead, it might not happen yet even if we do discuss it but we could talk about it if you want" or something to that effect?

By 11 and 13 they are old enough to have their own mind about what they want despite being "conditioned", and it could be that they want to and then encourage mum to let them, or it could be they would prefer to stay with mum.

Does DH get them for boxing day and manage to do a second christmas then/another day?

11 & 13

Honestly, if they are that age I wouldn't start a war, blink and you will find they will be off doing their own thing at NY and deciding for themselves where to go at Christmas,

I would just really enjoy having them about at NY now, they will soon be old enough to want try you out at Christmas,

We have found this bit goes by very fast,

Teens can easily resent anyone causing unnecessary stress, don't be the "difficult" ones at this stage, it will only work against you later.

Thanks quoteunquote, that sounds like very valuable advice.