To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

[creamteas]

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don?t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

'I'll be teaching my daughters not to have sex with self entitled tossers'

Fantastic idea DOoin, you could practise on half of the adults on Mumsnet first. It seems to happen a lot.

YABU to be unsympathetic. What does it cost you to be supportive of her. Also she might not have wanted an abortion. The guy sounds like a heel. If he moves abroad she won't be able to pursue him for child maintenance. What a shit. At the end if the day many people would be morally or emotionally unable to abort a child. That doesn't mean he is right to walk away. I am for your friend.

a mother putting a newborn up to adoption isn't going to wander in and out of the childs life and use the child to control the mother as some "absent" fathers do.

'He shouldn't get a sniff for the rest of his life'

What if the child wants a relationship with the father? It's no longer about two people once the birth has occurred.

D0oinMeCleanin
"I'll be teaching my daughters not to have sex with self entitled tossers,"

I agree with the sentiment but in all honesty, best of luck with that.

You do understand that a child is only entitled to receive child support whilst he/ she is still a child, don't you?

For Christ sakes both parents have to take responsibility after the point of birth up until that point if a dad has no desire to be one and the woman elects to abort then he has had a lucky escape.

His choice is having sex,as is hers but because the baby grows inside her after conception, because its her body she gets an additional choice but nobody gets a choice after birth.

ZenNudist
"YABU to be unsympathetic. What does it cost you to be supportive of her."

two completely different things, the OP has said time and agian on this thread that she supports her and will continue to do so.

TheNebulousBoojum Good for you. Glad to know you've never misjudged anyone in your life.
I'm sure all us stupid women would love to know how you avoid getting into a relationship with anyone who has the potenital to change?

OP didn't say why he was moving, possibly a job?

If he moves abroad she won't be able to pursue him for child maintenance. What a shit.

So he should be forced into turning down a job opportunity that he desperately wants because of the choice that someone else has made?

How is that any better than forcing a woman to have an abortion, or to carry a child she doesn't want?

'TheNebulousBoojum Good for you. Glad to know you've never misjudged anyone in your life.
I'm sure all us stupid women would love to know how you avoid getting into a relationship with anyone who has the potenital to change?'

Do you mean doesn't have the potential to change? I've misjudged a lot of people, just not shagged them and regretted it. Shagged yes.

My DDs biological father lived 12,000 miles away and still paid child support. Probably so that he could look himself in the mirror but I don't see why an absent parent wouldn't tbh. And I wouldn't marry a bloke who had z child put there somewhere he took no responsibility for I'd constantly be worried he'd screw me over too.

I was going to post something similar to Mosman In that alot of posters are assuming that he won't be paying money towards the child.

That's because it kind of moved on and a few posters said he shouldn't have to.

On a side note some people are just thick bigots.

I do kind of feel sorry for men who have sex but the woman gets pg through contraception failure. I don see why it's ok for a woman to have the child against the express wishes of the father, or conversely for her to abort when the father wants a child.

Well, perhaps because it is only the woman who has to deal with the physical and emotional effects of pregnancy, whois.

You 'feel sorry' for the man? As if it's the woman's fault there was a contraception failure??

pregnancy and abortion*

Fuck me this thread has some depressing posts on it.

He had sex, therefore he knew a child was a possibility, any man can wear a condom or havea vasectomy if they dont want to risk a pregnancy, aomen can use birth control (more choice for women but also more crappy side effects) ultimately other than no penetrative sex nothing is 100% so both parties mean they are risking a pregnancy. Ultimately its the woman who chooses once pregnant because its HER body that has to go through the preg/birth or the abortion, bith can have negative health consequences. So the man having to pay up.for his own child is a bloody mimimal input, he may not want to be a father and he can choose to walk away from that relationship, he cant walk away from the financial responsibility.

It would be great if everytime there was an unplanned preg both people involved could agree together what to do but it doesnt work like that and men have sex KNOWING this fact!! So they know that if the sex results in a pregnancy they are responsible for that child.

And yes abortion is a choice but until you are in that position its impossible to say what you will do. I had a nice life plan that included my first baby ay age 27, i got pregnant at 19, not in my life plan! but i couldnt have an abortion. I dont judge anyone that does and in different time and circumstances i may well have had one myself and i would never rule it out, but at the time i couldnt do it.

This woman for whatever reason has made her choice. I think most women would hope the father would come round to the idea, they may not want to play happy families but its not unreasonable to hope a father would want to be involved intheir childs life or that they would support the child financially. she is realising this wont happen, she will cope and she will move on, in the mean time she needs support from friends and you op dont sound much of a friend.

^^perfect sense from 5madthings

Apart from the typos seriously tho i am shocked at some of the attitudes on this thread. If he didnt want a baby he shouldnt have sex. He chose to take the risk so he needs to step.up to his responsibilities.

A woman who has an abortion is stepping up and accepting the consequences as well, its not a bloody get out of jail free card. Abortion or pregnancy and birth are both serious things for the woman to have to deal with so yes the man shoukd step up and pay for the child,thats a fucking trifling thing to do given the options the woman has.

Maybe all men need to sign a disclaimer that if be participates in sexual activity he is libel for any child/childen that may result! Wow now that would be the best contraceptive ever@!!!!

'She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy'

WFT??? That is not an active 'decision' .It is the normal, natural train of events. Abortion, especially to someone with even mildly pro-life views is pretty much unthinkable!

Maybe all men need to sign a disclaimer that if be participates in sexual activity he is libel for any child/childen that may result!

I don't think 'libel' is the right word but, the sentiment of what you are saying is already the case i.e. you father a child, you are liable for a % of the cost of it's upkeep no matter how 'unfair' you think that is - it's not an unknown consequence of having sex. I guess you could suggest the disclaimer to the terminally thick who still don't get the whole sex = baby thing, but would they even have the ability to read or understand what they were signing, if the basic facts of life still haven't sunk in yet?

I think I may have solved the problem :)

Fanjo sex should only every occur when trying to conceive is the aim.

Bum sex and oral should be used at all other times - Lets see any unplanned pregnancies happen now - The man doesn't have to worry about being forced to be a father or about the girlfriend aborting if he would like to keep it. The woman doesn't have to make any difficult decisions about abortion, whether the father will step up etc

I do kind of feel sorry for men who have sex but the woman gets pg through contraception failure.

Of FFS!

Of course! Always the woman's fault, eh?!

Remind that man when he ain't got a condom on it to hold THAT dick in HIS HAND!!!