To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

[creamteas]

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don?t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

'Alisvolatpropiis Sat 29-Dec-12 01:07:33

I had a friend at uni get pregnant. She had an abortion. The boyfriend was desperate for her to keep the baby and let him bring it up. Utterly desperate.

She refused. She considered adoption, that was her first choice but on hearing her boyfriend would willingly have it, she decised on an abortion because she didn't want to have to pay for a child she never wanted.'

Alis, a similar thing happened to a male friend of mine, but the ending differs.
He bargained with her, and she accepted a large payment to have the baby. It wasn't an easy option for him and he didn't have the money to spare, but he wanted the child and scraped together the cash because he really wanted the child.
Then after the birth, she left and his daughter hasn't seen her mother for 20 years, entirely the mother's choice.
But she loves her father and his new partner. He still thinks it's the best deal he ever made.

OP, your friend is delusional, but telling her 'I told you so' won't help so why bother?
Either be there for her or not, but the fact that you were right is irrelevant to the situation now.

Wondering if there's a "dads net" site available. Looks like it's needed here.

They could always go and join FFJ and all the bitter she stole my sperm dickheads over there I suppose

Festive, you said that you think a man should be able to prevent an abortion. Can you please tell me under which circumstances you see this as acceptable?

I hope you aren't referring to me. There's another festive right?

Festive are you a man? I find it hard to believe a woman could be so misogynistic.

Single mothers do not automatically get given secure tenancies. I am one and I did not receive one.

I also don't see abortion being freely available has anything to do with paternal responsibility. You are making a rather tenuous link.

No not you, sorry for the mix up

I'm female, and the mother of sons.

I realise that many disagree with me, but I won't be changing my opinion any time soon. It is not misogyny to want things to be fairer for both a man and a woman.

SPB, you are saying no one cares when it's the other way round, ie that no one cares when we want things to be made fairer for the woman, but this thread proves that that's not true. It's all about rights for the woman and none for the man.

I just think that if a woman has the right to choose whether she wants to be a parent or not, then a man should be afforded the same courtesy.

I agree festiveelement! I raised my child by

He can choose whether to parent or not, my DD's father pissed off, but it was never up for question that he would provide for her, however little that contribution might be. I don't worry about your boys being forced into father hood by some wanton woman, i've told them the only fool proof method is abstaining and fingers crossed they take that on board.

My boy not your boys. Typo.

he made his position very clear and she chose to ignore it. The idea that he would 'come round' was pure fantasy. It would have been helpful to try to get her to see this earlier - doesn't mean she should have had an abortion, but she should have made plans for being a single parent.

she is now going to be a single parent. She needs to grow up and get real, and make those plans.

YANBU. Sperm donor is evidently off out of reach of the CSA but it might be worth one last try to get him to provide some financial support.

I agree festiveelement! I raised my child by myself and yes there was times when I dispised my child's father for not wanting to know but ultimatley I chose to go ahead with the pregnancy so it was a path I had to walk alone. At least he is not gonna be in and out child's life which does more harm. And if u need finacal help to raise a child only YOU want u shouldn't be having it at all. The state is crippled as it is .

That's what I will be telling my boys when the time comes too, and I will hope that if they create a child by accident that they will be willing to be a part of that child's life practically, emotionally and financially.

But I can instil all of those good values in my sons, and if the time ever comes that they need to put those things to use and be responsible for a child they have created, the female can tell them not to bother because she is going to abort his child no matter how much he wants it.

So realistically, what I have to tell my sons is that because they were born with a penis, they have to take full responsibility in caring for an providing for a child they create, but that a woman doesn't have to do that if she doesn't want to.

And at the same time, I want them to value and respect women. But if I can't respect a woman that would abort a child that had a loving father, why should I expect my sons to?

I suspected as much festive. There is a weird twisted logic in your argument - equating a woman's right to autonomy over her own body as an unfair advantage over a man's lack of right to either force pregnancy or abortion. And to suggest a man has no right to walk away yet a woman does is laughable. What is the father in the OP's scenario doing if not completely severing all ties to a child he willingly created with his ex? As for the woman's 'fantasy' of what she hoped from him? OP hasn't stated it was a relationship she was looking for, just some interest from the father. I think I'd have similar expectations in her shoes, because the idea of walking away from my own child is abhorrent to me, and I would not naturally have such a low opinion of someone no matter what they said. She's not 'deluded' about him, just a decent person who took responsibility for the failed contraception, and took that responsibility wholly on her shoulders, while the other person equally responsible runs off as far as he can to avoid any responsibility. Yup, I can almost see why you think this poor man has been so unfairly disadvantaged compared to the woman.

verylittlecarrot

"Perhaps they should teach this in schools."

Its funny that on a thread about parental responsibility posters are avocating giving that responsibility to schools.

FYI, it is already taught in schools.

Yup, it is already taught in schools.
And we don't let them have sex on the premises either.

So festive if the woman wants a termination but the dad wants the baby, how exactly would you want this dealt with?

Try and remember up thread you said she should have rights over her own body.

I do think she should have rights over her own body.

It's the double standards that pisses me off.

A woman can choose to have an abortion or a baby. Therefore a man should be able to choose whether he becomes an involved father or one that is completely uninvolved, both emotionally and financially, provided he has used contraception.

I realise that there would be no way to ever police this, but I do think there should be some legal provision in cases like the OP describes so that the man can apply to court to be legally absolved of financial responsibility. After all, a woman can absolve herself of all responsibility if she chooses to have an abortion, so I believe a man should have the same right.

The mother would then bring the child into the world in exactly the same way she would have done had she chosen to use a sperm donor.

Are you really that silly?

A abortion means the child does not exist, it is never born. No child is born that requires any responsibility at all.

A live birth means there is a child two adults made that child

If the sperm was in a penis just before it entered the vagina then nobody used a sperm donor two people had sex.

Festive I would still like to know what you mean when you said you think a man should be able to prevent an abortion?

Also, I totally disagree that a man should be able to go to court to terminate his financial responsibility, what a terrible mess that would create

Poor woman hanging onto a little hope in her situation and you being a so called friend. Hold her hand and make sympathetic noises whilst her hormones roller coaster FFS!

Festive do you not realise how full of contradictions your posts are?

Also, in all your babble about 'men's rights' I have not seen you once think about the rights of the child.

How would you prove you'd used contraception, does every condom need to be kept and catalogued ?