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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

505 replies

creamteas · 28/12/2012 14:13

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don?t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

OP posts:
bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 29/12/2012 14:00

I just find the whole idea of taking legal steps to sever all ties of responsibility for your own child such an abhorrent suggestion. I can't understand the logic behind that at all.

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/12/2012 14:02

I'm actually quite concerned about the messages some people are passing on to there children with regard to decent conduct.

I would be ashamed of my sons if they thought it was acceptable to not financially support there child.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 14:04

If we were thinking about the rights of the child, then we wouldn't allow abortion.

It's about the parents.

I'm sure my posts are contradictory, because the whole situation is. People want women to have the right to choose, and men to take responsibility for that choice.

What you are all basically saying is that a man has no rights and a woman has all the rights. I just happen to believe that shouldn't be the case.

D0oinMeCleanin · 29/12/2012 14:06

Festive you are missing one very important point that has been made again and again on this thread.

The man does have a choice. He has the choice to not have vaginal intercourse, thereby not risking accidental pregnancy.

If he chooses to take the risk, then he needs to do so knowing that any accidental pregnancy is out of his control. It is the woman's choice to continue with or terminate a pregnancy but the man still has a legal obligation to pay for any child, wanted or not and a moral obligation to be practically and emotionally involved in the child's life. This is the right of the child.

If the man is not willing to take this risk, knowing that it is then out of his control, he should not be having vaginal intercourse, there are plenty of other options available to him that carry no risk.

This is fair. It is fair for the child and fair for the woman whose body and hormones are the ones being effected by the pregnancy and/or termination and who has to live with the risks that child birth or termination incur. This is why the woman gets the last say.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/12/2012 14:07

Yeah,us women have all the rights. Poor men,had to struggle for years for equality... Oh wait...no,that's not right is it?

Have a Biscuit Festive.

Your sons wives will be writing about you on here one day. I guarantee it.

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/12/2012 14:10

Festive have a little sit down to try and absorb this information.

Up until a the time that a baby is born it is inside its mother.

When it is actually born it is a mini human with rights of its own.

perceptionInaPearTree · 29/12/2012 14:13

I have met a surprising number of men who don't realise that they can be made to pay for a baby conceived from a one night stand or casual relationship. I soon put them right on that score - one said 'oh I had better start being careful then' tosser I wonder why and where during the course of their lives learning to take responsibility escaped them? Perhaps because of people in society who have an attitude similar to that of festive...

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 29/12/2012 14:14

The thing I find most bizarre festive is your insistence that a woman has an advantage over a man in this situation. As thought he choice to abort is easy. As though the choice to continue with a pregnancy is easy. They are both incredibly difficult, life altering decisions that I cannot see as being in any way something to be envious of, or somehow equal to a man deciding to take responsibility or not, for a child they help create. There are massive risks to either option for a woman, yet the risks for a man are what exactly?

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 29/12/2012 14:29

YABVU to be so unsympathetic, which I believe was the question you asked originally.

Regardless of any 'moral issues' regarding contraceptive responsibility, termination, single mothers, and fathers choosing whether or no to be involved this woman is supposed to be your friend.

Regardless of your personal feelings and opinions (and in theory I can see where you are coming from) she needs your support.

As far as I am concerned if a friend of mine is having a rough time, my priority is to support and care for them to the best of my ability - my personal feelings/judgements take a back seat, otherwise I wouldn't consider myself a very good friend.

mumagain38 · 29/12/2012 14:45

EQUALITY....jeez. If its a woman RIGHT to CHOOSE to be a mother is mans RIGHT to choose if he wants to be a father. YES 2 people were there at the conception so 2 people need to decide if that embreo is gonna get the chance to grow. If said 2 people cant come to an agreement then if mother CHOOSES to keep baby then its a path she has decided to go alone. Why should the man automatically have to go with what the woman said..after all it IS half his?? would there be a court in the land that would FORCE a pregnancy be kept OR aborted???? It they were in an established relationship with no birth control used then it would be a different story, but it was used and that implies that this baby wasnt wanted by either. I read a story about a couple that had frozen embreos and when they split up the woman took him to court to still use them! THUS entitling mum to a life time of child support! i bet all the man haters on here think she had every right too! p.s im a woman too and have a son who i will make sure he FEEDS his GF the pill or what ever to make sure this dosnt happen! NO SEX BEFORE MARRAGE LOL

D0oinMeCleanin · 29/12/2012 14:48

He can choose. He can choose not to have sex if he is not happy with the risks it carries. No one has a right to have sex.

What fucking century have I wandered into?

mumagain38 · 29/12/2012 14:49

also this looks like a womans right issue here?? fought for years to have equal pay, benifits, laws ect but after bleating on about its woman right to have a baby if she wants too---still expects the bloke to pay LOL give me abreak!

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 29/12/2012 14:50

Cut down on the sherry, mumagain.
Oh and the woman in the OP did not want to fall pregnant, but certainly looks like she wants the baby so you are incorrect to say it is an unwanted baby. As for the rest of your post, I don't have the energy Biscuit

HopAndSkip · 29/12/2012 14:53

mumagain It's not "having a baby if she want's to" when it's not a planned baby is it.
It's deciding she can't go through with killing her unborn baby just because the dad doesn't want to step up.
Or should a woman have to go through the medical procedure and emotional distress of an abortion just because a man says so?

mumagain38 · 29/12/2012 14:54

YEP just like she CHOSE to jump in to bed with him too! 'no one has the right to have sex'? sex is between two consenting adults. So basically ur saying every woman has the right to entrapment. jesus christ no man is SAFE !!!!!!!!!! scary!!

what fucking century have I walked in to ???

mumagain38 · 29/12/2012 14:55

morning after pill????????????

splashymcsplash · 29/12/2012 14:58

Mum again you are actually spot on: two adults have sex, therefore they both need to take responsibility for the possible consequences!

It's hardly entrapment when the man chooses to have sex.

splashymcsplash · 29/12/2012 15:00

Mum again your posts are deeply disturbing. You want your son to force his gf to take the pill. Don't get me started on the no sex before marriage.

HopAndSkip · 29/12/2012 15:01

You aren't going to always notice when contraception fails... otherwise there would be no unplanned pregnancy's.

And if we're taking away men's responsibility to pay for a child they've fathered, then we should also not be allowing them to see that child if they change their mind at any point in the future then?

Narked · 29/12/2012 15:06

Nice of you to join MN to add to our little discussion Mumagain

Mosman · 29/12/2012 15:06

I'll break BOTH the arms of any bloke who tries to feed my daughter the pill.

D0oinMeCleanin · 29/12/2012 15:08

I'll be teaching my daughters not to have sex with self entitled tossers, which should keep them safe from MILs like Mumagain anyway.

mumagain38 · 29/12/2012 15:10

Hopand skip hell no! if he walked away at the beginging then he shouldnt get a sniff for the rest of his life even if he changes his mind!
splash again 'they both need to take responsiblity' SO why is it the bloke has to go along with what the woman wants??? hipocritical.

Mosman · 29/12/2012 15:12

He shouldn't get a sniff for the rest of his life ? So somebody can't change between 20 years old and 30 ? Life just isn't that black and white, circumstances and people change for the better sometimes too.

okaynowitstheseason · 29/12/2012 15:13

I could accept the premise that once conception has happened, it's tough and the man has to step up to fatherhood since he chose to have sex, knew the risks, etc, IF the same applied to the woman.

However more often than not it's the same vocal crowd baying for a woman's right to choose to avoid responsibility after conception who would have a complete shitfit if a man tried to choose not to have that responsibility.

As an example, can you imagine David Cameron saying the same thing about mothers who offer newborns up for adoption as he said about absent fathers?