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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that we cannot possibly accept this?

228 replies

OhThePlacesYoullGo · 28/12/2012 13:55

My BF and I have been together for six months now and have just decided to move in together after finding out I am pregnant earlier this month. While this was completely unplanned, we are now both very happy and excited about having a baby together. I was initially very concerned about finances as my bf still has another 1.5 years before finishing med school and I am in the first year of my (paid) doctorate. However, I have since found out that I am entitled to maternity pay and as I have some savings, figured we would somehow be able to wing it until he starts work, even if that does involve sharing a studio flat and second hand baby clothes.

I met BF's parents for the first time earlier this month, which is also when we told them that I am pregnant. Let's just say BF and I are from COMPLETELY different backgrounds, as in I grew up in foster care and he went to boarding school and goes rowing and they have a freakin' beach house 'for weekends'. So I was already scared witless that they would be less than impressed at him bringing me home.

They had us over for Christmas and have now offered us a flat. I mean, what???? I barely know them, they probably think I am some kind of gold digger and getting pregnant was a ruse to get their son. BF thinks I am being crazy and that it's no problem at all. But I am not, am I now? That's not normal; I don't know them. I cannot let them give us a flat. We will manage somehow.

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 29/12/2012 21:12

Ah lovely news! Good luck with your pregnancy :)

Uppermid · 29/12/2012 21:29

Yay! Good for you.

Remember good things happen to good people!

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas · 29/12/2012 21:34

Fab news, congrats!

Aboutlastnight · 29/12/2012 21:48

good for you

enjoy your baby and your new life together

foreverondiet · 29/12/2012 21:49

I disagree with the the pessimistic on this thread. Her bf sounds like a very selfless person, no reason to think he'll become selfish and and abusive... But best thing to do us to accept flat and safe the money saved on living rent free for future financial security. This will mean op is not left vulnerable in the event of the relationship breaking down....

buildingmycorestrength · 29/12/2012 22:20

Good news! Hope it is smooth sailing in every sense.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 30/12/2012 00:06

"Remember good things happen to good people!"

Confused

"Her bf sounds like a very selfless person, no reason to think he'll become selfish and and abusive..."

Confused

Is this what passes for thought in some parts of the Internet?

Jesus.

Good luck, OP. I hope you gamble works out for you and your baby.

pigletpower · 30/12/2012 00:29

You've been together for 6 months and you've only just met his parents? Why so?

Uppermid · 30/12/2012 08:23

Not everyone's a cynic

Lavenderhoney · 30/12/2012 08:57

Congratulations on getting a decision made and all sorted out:) good luck with you pregnancy and lovely new start:)

DontmindifIdo · 30/12/2012 09:14

Piglet - when at Uni I dated one bloke for 6 months and never met his parents (our dating didn't cover a summer so he only went home for a few weekends then a week in that time, I didn't go with him) then after we split up I started dating DH, again, we didn't meet each other's parents until 8 months later, at Christmas. but then DH didn't see his parents more than 3 times a year (although would go to stay for some time). It's not like dating someone normally where they probably live within an hour of their parents and see them regularly.

OP- it sounds like a good outcome - if you are working and getting maternity leave it will help that you don't have to try to study and be a new mum. I'm sure it means more to your DP to be with his child than an overseas placement. And by the sounds of it, you will both have good career prospects so if you wanted to work overseas and travel with your careers in the future, it'll be possible.

Pantomimedam · 30/12/2012 10:44

Glad you've got it sorted, OhThePlaces, hope you have a great future together.

EmmaBemma · 30/12/2012 11:31

Great news, OhThePlaces. Best of luck with your pregnancy.

TENDTOprocrastinate · 30/12/2012 11:58

Good choice. Congrats on the pregnancy too!

Flatbread · 30/12/2012 12:15

Best of luck, OP.

I would urge you to make sure bf gets life insurance, with you as the beneficiary and a will. You do need to take some steps to protect yourself and the baby.

countrykitten · 30/12/2012 13:10

Be gracious and accept this lovely gift for your little family. I think it's a lovely thing for them to do and that you both would be nutty not to accept.

countrykitten · 30/12/2012 13:11

sigh missed the posts again! Well done you. You have done the right thing.

Nancy66 · 30/12/2012 13:20

Good luck OP and congrats on the baby.

From your posts if sounds like you had a very sad upbringing and never really knew how it felt to be part of a close, loving and supportive family.

Now you do. Enjoy it!!

ohfunnyFRANKENface · 30/12/2012 13:22

great outcome, OP.

Keep looking forward to the excitement- it will be tough, but it's going to be exciting too.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 30/12/2012 13:30

"I would urge you to make sure bf gets life insurance, with you as the beneficiary and a will. You do need to take some steps to protect yourself and the baby."

Worth saying twice.

Flatbread · 30/12/2012 13:36

I will need to complete any placements I miss after my cohort finish. BF will finish med school as planned

I assume this means you will not get you PhD till you finish your placements?

Your graduation will be delayed (for how long?) while bf finishes in time.

I guess I am reading a different thread than others.

I see two people who are having a baby.

Boy gets a flat from his parents, finishes his studies on time.

I see a girl delaying her graduation, moving in her bf/ pil flat. Losing independence, rather than gaining it.

If anything boy should be immensely grateful to girl for making the sacrifices. Instead we are told he is 'selfless' and she should be so thankful about the situation

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2012 17:36

Blimey Flatbread - your glass half-empty is it?

The OP is pregnant. no-one can help the fact that her PhD is delayed. However, it is going to be hugely helpful to both of them to not have to worry about accommodation whilst her DP finishes his studies and they both adjust to parenthood.
And I think the OP has sufficient confidence in her partner to trust that he will be fully supportive of her when she returns to her own studies/work.

And they both should be grateful to his parents, not just the OP. But then we don't know that he isn't!

Jojobells1986 · 30/12/2012 17:57

Hi places! Do pop onto the antenatal thread sometimes - I've been wondering how you're getting on! I'm glad things are going so well for you now. Smile

I totally understand the dilemmas created by having financially generous in-laws. My PIL bought DH a flat before we met to get him on the property ladder. It's always made me feel a little uncomfortable that we've now got a house that we could never have afforded without that. I don't quite know why I feel odd about it though - I'd do the same for my kids in a heartbeat if I could afford it! It does bother me that they often offer to lend us money if things are a little tight though. I'd like us to be able stand on our own four feet! I guess it is nice to have a safety net & know that they're always able to help if we were to get into financial difficulties!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/12/2012 18:13

Flatbread - the OP is only taking maternity leave. What do you propose that she do? Rush back to work and leave her baby - albeit with it's father?

This is what happens when you have a baby, there is a hiatus, unless you decide to take no maternity leave. She is not giving up her job or anything like that - so should the worst happen and the relationship break down then she still has her career path.

She could have chosen to have an abortion and them both complete their studies on time - would that be more palatable to you?

I do agree that the BF needs to have a decent sized life insurance policy, that would enable the OP to buy the PILs out of the flat if she chose to - unless ownership is to pass to the BF in which case his will needs to leave it to the OP entirely - and then the insurance policy is there for childcare, education and so on.

Original poster
OhThePlacesYoullGo · 30/12/2012 19:33

Flatbread, as I get paid, I am entitled to maternity pay. BF is not. So if I went back to work straight after giving birth and BF stayed home, that would not necessarily make a lot of sense for us. Also I did not see this earlier 'I didn't want to bring up the issue of the bf, earlier. But my first thought on reading this thread was, did he not wear a condom? If he didn't, that is incredibly selfish and would get my antennae up a bit.' - Come on give BF a break. He is/was not the issue. We not only used condoms, but I was also on the pill. Big shock for everyone, trust me.

Re pigletpower: While we've been together for six months, I have known him for closer to nine and his brother for a couple of years. I did not meet his parents before now, because they both have very busy careers and it wasn't exactly a priority for either BF or I.

OP posts:
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