to feel that we cannot possibly accept this?

[OhThePlacesYoullGo]

My BF and I have been together for six months now and have just decided to move in together after finding out I am pregnant earlier this month. While this was completely unplanned, we are now both very happy and excited about having a baby together. I was initially very concerned about finances as my bf still has another 1.5 years before finishing med school and I am in the first year of my (paid) doctorate. However, I have since found out that I am entitled to maternity pay and as I have some savings, figured we would somehow be able to wing it until he starts work, even if that does involve sharing a studio flat and second hand baby clothes.

I met BF's parents for the first time earlier this month, which is also when we told them that I am pregnant. Let's just say BF and I are from COMPLETELY different backgrounds, as in I grew up in foster care and he went to boarding school and goes rowing and they have a freakin' beach house 'for weekends'. So I was already scared witless that they would be less than impressed at him bringing me home.

They had us over for Christmas and have now offered us a flat. I mean, what???? I barely know them, they probably think I am some kind of gold digger and getting pregnant was a ruse to get their son. BF thinks I am being crazy and that it's no problem at all. But I am not, am I now? That's not normal; I don't know them. I cannot let them give us a flat. We will manage somehow.

"having legal right under tenancy to stay in a place she couldn't afford to run by herself if things don't work out won't be much good to OP either."

I guess we disagree about how important it is that you can't be made homeless overnight if you have a row with your boyfriend.

If she needs to move out of a shared flat, that can be managed.

If the roof over her head that night depends on the generosity of a family she doesn't know very well, she (and her baby) are very vulnerable.

There are other bits of info missing here, if your dp is still a student, are his parents currently supporting him? Would the loss of rent on the property be a similar sum each month to what they are currently giving him?

If the other brothers are happy with it, dies that mean they either have a similar expectation of same sized gifts in the future or have they already received similar help to start out if older? Is this effectively your dp getting his share of inheritance early?

If the property isn't currently tenanted, why do they own it? Is it for them to stay in when in that town? Therefore will part of the deal be that you put them up when visiting. (although I'd put up visiting family anyway even if i had paid for my own place)

I would say accept, insist its put in your dps name for now. If they turn out to be interfering types, you only have a year to suck it up before your dp graduates and then could move on. He will know his parents better than you, talk to him!

If you love each other, are happy to have a child together, why don't you just get married? Then accept the flat with good grace.

They are rich and have property, want to help their son, you are going to be part of their family. I can't see the problem TBH.

It would be different if you didn't love each other and don't expect to stay together, but if that were the case you wouldn't be moving in together and having a child. Would you? Or am I missing something?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife, being suddenly homeless after a row with BF isn't a likely reality. Even if we ever did break up, he is an amazing person and that scenario would never happen. Also at present, I am the one with a fairly good and stable income and do have savings.

Dontmindifido, the flat is apparently empty because the current tenants had just moved out and they wanted to repaint, etc before renting out again. His parents are currently paying his rent, but the flat is in an area of town that we could never afford to rent in. His brothers are a twin and younger than BF, so have not received similar gifts.

I too think you should accept graciously - if I were your bf and you said no I would be very pissed off with YOU. If I could afford to do this for my kids I would and would be so happy to help lift some burden by doing so. Anyway, they are giving the flat to your bf really and it helps you all out by having it so don't start imposing silly sanctions on it. Later on, when you can afford to, you and your bf could always buy your own place and rent it out so you have something of your own iyswim.

Accept graciously and get that chip off your shoulder, if they are lovely people who are close to their son then join in and go with the flow.

I haven't read all the replies, but I think you're over-reacting and just not used to the way people like his parents do things. From their POV they have a flat you can live in, you're both studying at the moment with no means of income until you qualify, and you're now pregnant with their GC. They're clearly well off and don't want you to struggle when they can help out and are happy to do so. End of story. So you can refuse their kind offer and struggle along, or you can accept with a gracious 'thank you' and have a much easier time of it. Given your background it's understandable that you're confused by such largesse, but I think you should take this offer at face value and not over-think it too much.

The responses on here have surprised me. I once posted (on a different forum) about my parents paying the deposit for my house, and that now everything I bought was scrutinised, they had a key and would just let themselves in without knocking so I was always on edge. We got a dog and my mum wasn't happy about it, I was told by posters that she had every right to tell me to get rid of the dog as they had paid the deposit (we made the payments). I was basically told I deserved it all as I had accepted their gift of a deposit and that I shouldn't have taken it.

So basically OP, you do need to set ground rules on what this now means. I could never relax in that house, felt like I was back to living as a teenager by having to run everything past my parents!

"Even if we ever did break up, he is an amazing person and that scenario would never happen."

You've been dating this guy for 6 months.

How amazing a person he is is not something you should be betting your baby's security on.

How much money you earn is irrelevant to whether or not you can be out out on the street if you piss off the wrong person when you have no rights whatsoever to stay in your home.

You guys are optimistically trying to build a very committed life together based on not much in terms of a solid relationship.

Hopefully you are right about each other and it is a happily ever after.

But protecting yourself from the downsides of the risk you are taking here is important.

Moving into the family (not your family, his family, looking out for him) flat without any kind of legal protection would be incredibly foolhardy.

If these are good people, they will understand that and be happy to out an arrangement in place that protects all of you.

Ohtheplaces - congratulations on your pregnancy. When your child is born and you love it sooooo much I suspect that, as well as pain coming up for you about your own baby- and childhood, the shift of perspective to parent will help you recognise and accept the love your Bf's parents have for him and, crucially, by extension you and your child. My parents in law love me and look out for me, including gifts to us of money that my parents wouldn't think to give us even if they had it. It's weird at first. But they love their son and are so relieved/happy/excited he has someone who makes him happy. Even now, years on. And a grandchild! They are happy. You can choose to allow yourself to relax about this. Wishing you all the luck and happiness in the world.

When dh and I were just boyfriend and girlfriend we were in a flatshare where, eventually, we really didn't get on with our housemates. I was moaning about this to my a family friend, while teasing dh that I was only with him for his money (he'd mentioned he'd inherited a few grand from his Granddad). My aunt pointed out we could use that money on a deposit for a flat. I was astonished as such a thing had never occurred to me, partly because we were only 20 and 21.

But it made sense. Dh's parents very sensibly asked dh to get it written into the contract that if we split up, dh would have equity in the flat equivalent to his investment, which I thought was fair enough. More than 20 years later we are still together... it was fine.

Dh's parents were just decent people who were happy to help their son out (turned out the money was legally his Dad's but his Granddad had said to give it to the grandkids). They would never have dreamed of asking for a key or any of the things some of the more suspicious posters have suggested - instead they gave us some odds and ends of furniture they didn't need any more and bought us the curtains (family friend pointed out 'you've got enough money for a double bed and a corkscrew, what more do you need at your age?'.)

Well, then they can afford to sacrifice the rent, it's not like they are just going out and buying place from scratch. Do they currently give your DP money to live off/pay his rent/pay his fees? It could easily be he sees this as an extension of that.

The younger BILs may well be lead to expect a similar sized gift when they 'start out'. For some families, this is the norm. It might grate on your DP later on if he doesn't accept and they do. Money can cause problems in families, although mainly the problems are caused by parents not being consistant.

If it will be your DP's flat entirely, that he's sure it won't come with strings and is effectively just giving him his inheritance early when he needs it (rather than in 30 years time where by the sound of it with your joint career paths, you won't need it!), then accept. It might be worth asking DP if he knows if his parents also recieved help when they first started out from their parents, it could well be one of those family traditions, and the only "condition" placed on you is the understanding if you are able to, you do the same when the baby you are carrying reaches adulthood.

I personally see this as them trying to keep you both in education, I can easily see you both either dropping out or your DP taking on extra paid work and failing. Not being able to study in a studio flat and failing exams then not being able to afford to resit would be a fear. I know so many people who started PHDs and never finished them, they probably are terrified that you/their DS will just not finish.

I'd do this for my kids without a second thought. You are both obviously clever and wanting to get on in life and his parents can see thus and are giving you a helping hand. Stop second guessing their motives and be gracious when you accept.

oh and BTW - if they really thought you were a gold digger, there's no way they would be doing this !!!! They might offer you to live in the flat rent free, but keep ownership so you can't have a claim on it. They might offer to pay for childcare directly etc. But if they thought you were only getting pregnant to 'snag a rich man due a big inheritance' they wouldn't be so generous at all.

Sleighbells 'You guys are optimistically trying to build a very committed life together based on not much in terms of a solid relationship.

Hopefully you are right about each other and it is a happily ever after.'

We met volunteering with kids with disabilities, which we do every weekend and BF has for four years now. His dream was to work for MSF upon qualifying. He never, ever loses his temper over anything. He's the kind of guy who gives up his seat, helps carry buggies up stairs and visit his grandma. He is not the kind of person that would allow his ex partner and child to be homeless no matter how badly we fell out. So out of all my (partly irrational) worries, that really isn't one.

Erm, I'd have jumped at the chance! Some parent's just want to help their kids out if they can. Nothing wrong with that surely?
Did you expect them to be angry and shocked instead because they are posh?

Sorry YABU

OP - The shortness of your relationship doesn't mean it won't last. It just means it's more of a risk than otherwise, but you are pregnant now and quite frankly, I'd be more concerned if he wasn't trying to build a committed life with the mother of his child.

You are having a child with his man, you are tied to him for the next 20+ years now regardless of how it works out between you as a couple.

Even if the flat comes with loads of 'strings attached', you can live there in relative comfort while you both finish your courses and save for your own place when you are both working.

During the time you are living there, you will establish whether it has been a kind and open gift, given out of love for their son/grandchild.

My mother gave me a pram when I had my DD, but if she could have given me a flat, I'm sure she would have done.

Op if in the future you were in the position to be able to do this for your child, would you?

Take it! It may seem like a huge thing to you but if they are that rich it won't seem like such a big deal to them. Your carrying their grandchild now, they are merely trying to support their son, and you and the baby are now part of that. Don't take to much notice of the shortest of your relationship, I was pregnant within 2 months, 5 years later we are married, have another child and a mortgage. Both of our parents have been very very supportive, both emotionally and financially which we are very grateful for as it has made our life's so much easier.

Worries about lack of security if the relationship didn't work out seem ill-founded. The parents sound generous enough not to want to see their grandchild and his/her mother on the streets. Anyway, how much security would OP have with a short-assured tenancy on the studio flat that she romantically (if somewhat misguidely) imagined sharing with her partner and child. This way, even if things don't work out, she will at least be able to save the money she would have spent on rent for her and the DC's future.

"We met volunteering with kids with disabilities, which we do every weekend and BF has for four years now. His dream was to work for MSF upon qualifying. He never, ever loses his temper over anything. He's the kind of guy who gives up his seat, helps carry buggies up stairs and visit his grandma."

So he's the kind of guy who if he turns out to be abusive, nobody would believe you?

You don't know him very well.

You don't know his family at all.

Go into this hopefully but with your eyes open and your arse covered.

"He is not the kind of person that would allow his ex partner and child to be homeless no matter how badly we fell out"

That's what everyone thinks.

And yet women with children find themselves in appalling situations because they think that if you are in love that means you should put your arse on the line (and your children's too).

These nice, kind, generous people will understand why you need a tenancy agreement.

All the people saying they would do this for their child are missing the bleeding obvious that you are not their chikd.

You are a woman their son has just started dating who is unexpectedly pregnant.

Their concern here (entirely understandably) is his welfare. Not yours.

Do try to save the money you would have used for rent - even if you can't save the whole amount, put something aside for a rainy day. I hope you and dp will stay together - it can work - but equally given the relationship is so new it may not work and if that happens, you'll need a deposit for a flat. He may well be a lovely guy, may remain a lovely guy even if you split, but even apparently lovely people can get nasty when a relationship breaks down and they are hurting.

Btw, my sister got accidentally p/g within a few months of meeting someone. (She'd been told she was infertile after trying for years with her ex, including failed IVF.). They were together for six years, living in the house her ex already owned. Sadly split up - but are still co-parents, working together for their dd's best interests. By the time they split, my sister had returned to studying after mat. leave, qualified and established herself in a career. She was able to walk away and rent somewhere for herself and her dd. You need to do the same, build up some savings and continue your studies so that if it does all go wrong, you can look after yourself and your baby.

Hopefully none of this will come to pass and one day you'll be celebrating your ruby wedding anniversary but it's worth having a savings pot just in case.

Sleigh is absolutely spot on. You need to know that the roof over your head is yours, not based on his family's goodwill.

I can see why you bf is happy with this plan, but cannot see how this is of benefit to you, given the risks and downsides involved.

Please find a neutral place, which does not obligate you to pil. You might find that pil, bf and your child are one unit, and you included only if you fit in, or out on the streets otherwise.

Do not give people you hardly know so much hold over you. No matter how nice they are.

How will a neutral place be hers, though? Unless she qualifies for social housing or can become an owner occupier, that is. A short assured tenancy does not confer many rights. And she will definitely have more choices if she is able to save rather than wasting her money on unecessary rent.

A tenancy confers all the rights she needs.

Paying rent is not a waste of money.

You are paying for the right to use a space as your home.

Which is entirely different from being a guest in somebody else's property.

As a guest you have zero rights.

That leaves you very, very vulnerable.

If there is a disagreement over any of the many kinds of domestic issues this couple have no experience of negotiating - finances, childcare, chores, parenting styles, free time, socialising, emotional support, the person living as a guest in the family home of the other is at a massive disadvantage.

How do you stand your ground when the ground you occupy is owned by the other person and you are only there as long as they allow it?

I'm amazed at how greedy people are that they are advising the OP make herself and her baby entirely beholden to a family she doesn't know, just because they are rich.

It explains a lot about how easy it is to totally screw people over if you have money at your disposal.