to feel that we cannot possibly accept this?

[OhThePlacesYoullGo]

My BF and I have been together for six months now and have just decided to move in together after finding out I am pregnant earlier this month. While this was completely unplanned, we are now both very happy and excited about having a baby together. I was initially very concerned about finances as my bf still has another 1.5 years before finishing med school and I am in the first year of my (paid) doctorate. However, I have since found out that I am entitled to maternity pay and as I have some savings, figured we would somehow be able to wing it until he starts work, even if that does involve sharing a studio flat and second hand baby clothes.

I met BF's parents for the first time earlier this month, which is also when we told them that I am pregnant. Let's just say BF and I are from COMPLETELY different backgrounds, as in I grew up in foster care and he went to boarding school and goes rowing and they have a freakin' beach house 'for weekends'. So I was already scared witless that they would be less than impressed at him bringing me home.

They had us over for Christmas and have now offered us a flat. I mean, what???? I barely know them, they probably think I am some kind of gold digger and getting pregnant was a ruse to get their son. BF thinks I am being crazy and that it's no problem at all. But I am not, am I now? That's not normal; I don't know them. I cannot let them give us a flat. We will manage somehow.

And the money saved on rent could be used for childcare, which will be needed at some point, with the PhD and the medical degree.

Congratulations and YABMostlyU!
Do you think that you might be a little too aware of the differences in your backgrounds? If you are only just getting to know them then you won't really know what is going on in their minds and might well be putting thoughts into their heads...
Maybe if your DP spoke to them about getting something down on paper to give you all a safeguard against the unexpected it would make you feel better?
I would accept on those terms and put away the equivalent rent or as much as you can as a cushion.

Why not accept the offer, but ask them to keep ownership of the flat with you paying a small amount of rent.

They are looking after their child/grandchild and that means looking after you.

We are in a position that if/when my boys decide to go to university we will buy them somewhere to live if necessary, them having a partner/baby would make that MORE likely, but we will be retaining ownership.

fwiw, I am fortunate enough to hope to be in a position to do for my DC what your DP's parents are offering to do for him.i would be deeply upset if my motivations were doubted. I do, however, understand where you are coming from given that you do not really know them and would like to think that I would tread gently in your particular situation and maybe offer the place rent free for a period rather than an outright gift, at least at first. However, I think it can be hard for the parents to win. If, for example, they had already gifted a property to a sibling of your DP on the birth of a child, they might think you/ he would be offended if they did less for you ( that might be taken as an indication that they don't think you good enough). What you should also bear in mind is that in due course (and hopefully not for a long time), their money (or part of it) will come to your DP/DC anyway, and this offer may just (at east in part) simply be sensible inheritance tax planning on their part given the 7 year rule.

I come from a family where there was never any possibility of being offered any financial support at all. It was very hard to know how to deal with my husband's family who are quite secure and often give us gifts. Freaks me right out because...why would someone give me money if there wasn't an ulterior motive?

But lovely wealthy people exist, who are just trying to be kind. Maybe this is the case.

You need to discuss it all with your BF, but with the understanding that you might be reacting in a particular way because of your background.

The money DH and I have is for our children, what is the point of it if you can't use it to smooth out life's bumps?

If DS came home and said he had got someone pregnant, we would offer to assist him in his responsibilities towards that baby, and as mums are pretty important, looking after baby usually means looking after the mum.

Babies are not the worst thing that can happen, and they do not need to mean the end of anyone's plans. Plans will need tweaking obviously, but hey what is money for if not to give the people you love a bit of help.

Why not accept the flat with the proviso that at present it is in your dp's ownership (draw up a legal agreement). You effectively move into your dp's flat and things are easier for you both. After all, what would you have been doing in current situation if they'd given dp a flat a year ago? Would you have refused to move in with him because his parents had previously gifted him property.

An example, when dh (then dp) were first together he was looking to buy and he parents gifted him money to cover 90% of flat purchase so he was starting off with minuscule mortgage. He bought the flat, was in his name.

When we bought next house, together, we were still umarried. We drew up a document with the solicitor setting out what we were each bringing to the property, taking into account that the large deposit was made up of the proceeds of the sale of his flat.

We subsequently married and started family and with next house purchase went in on an entirely equal footing to reflect change in circumstances/relationship/kids etc. the endowment from the originl flat I'd now in both our names. His parents have since laid off our mortgage. They are very wealthy. It makes them happy to be able to put us on a solid footing, and they are taking s long view of the tax implications of gifts/inheritance which their a courant advised them to do.

If the fat is at this stage in his name I think you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face and, to an extent, interfering in a generous offer from parents to their son and his future family. Why shouldn't they give him the flat simply because he is in a relationship with you?

When our dcs are old I would live to be able to do something similar for them. We won't be abe to afford a whole flat Each - but proportionately to our income a good deposit for us might be equivalent to a whole flat for your dp's parents.

When you become a mum you will realise that you would do almost ANYTHING to make your child's world better and their life as happy and successful as it can be.
That is what your BF parents are trying to do for their son. They are fortunate in being able to do this for him. Help him to finish his training in comfort in a setting that will give him more chance of success than in a studio flat with a baby and financial worries.
They also sound like genuinely nice people from what you have said about them being nice and welcoming to you. They must also like you and want to see your relationship have the best chance of success and therefore their grandchild being bought up in a stable, loving home without the financial stresses that you would have faced otherwise.

Ok to put this in perspective, I had never even had anyone give me something for Christmas until I was nine. And while I was psyched to be given a book, that's about the level of gift receiving I have experienced until now. For someone to give someone else (and yes, I know he is their son) a flat is completely incomprehensible to me.

And to all of you who said I was being ungrateful or am trying to control BF's relationship with his parents. That is ridiculous. I was so excited to meet them earlier this month (despite being nervous and feeling stupidly insecure) and think it's amazing that his family is so close (he also has two brothers who are fab). It's so nice to think that my baby will have two parents, two grandparents and two uncles to love it. That's pretty special.

It has been really helpful reading through the many responses though and has given me some other ways of thinking about things. Think BF and I will need to do some more talking. We've been volunteering over Christmas and have kind of had half conversations left right and centre.

Oh op. honestly it sounds like they are nice people who want to do a nice thing but I can totally see why you are struggling with it. It feels weird if it's not what you are used to. But I think it is your insecurities and it does sound like they are just being helpful. Work on building a relationship with your new extended family and enjoying your pregnancy.:)

You might not be able to accept this but he surely can.

You sound like an amazing woman. Your BF parents could probably see this. And in no way would consider you a gold-digger. Talk with your BF - but try to ignore the "value" of the gift and look instead at the motivation behind it. To help out they son and his fabulous girlfriend - and to give their grandchild to be a home. Some grandparents will buy a moses basket. Some just a babygrow. If they can and want to offer a flat then they are incredibly luck be able to afford to.

I hope you work it out. Congratulations on your bump.

Accept it with good grace. I would. And dh and I have spoken about how when our kids are grown up, we hope to be able to give them significant deposits for their homes. We didn't get this and frankly if either of us did receive such a gift, we would have been so grateful.

What lovely people they sound. Congratulations on your pregnancy. :)

FishfingersAreOK that sounds pretty much word for word like what BF keeps saying... are you sure you are not him?

I can see why you might feel awkward about this and need to talk it through with bf.

My dh's family are very generous financially as they want to pass on some of their savings during their life time. I feel awkward about it as I've always strived to be financially independent but recognise it's something between DH and his parents and we're not dependant on them.

Moving into their flat could be a lovely start to your new life together with the baby but would say continue to aim to be financially secure in your own right, maybe the money you'd save in rent you can save towards buying your own place with your bf one day -even if they gift him the flat, ultimately you want a home that you own jointly.

Overall it's a nice problem to have, even if you do feel conflicted!

To add , I don't think who it belongs to is an issue. It's theirs, and they are willing to let you live in it. You might want to move after a year or so anyway, if you have more dc or want a garden. You can save up for a house or school fees or whatver- and perhaps another family member can take the flat after you. Or they have another property which you can stay in one day.

Perhaps you will be planning a wedding in the future too:)

We hope to help our dc out, I was given money to help with my first house and although dh's parents can't do that, they help in other ways. Why struggle when you don't have to? Accept in the spirit it's given, to worry about ownership seems a bit odd to me if you will be saving anyway and it's a family property. Think of it as a spare room:)

So his lovely family have thrown their arms open to you and want to make sure their son and grandchild have somewhere nice to live with no worries and this is a bad thing? You can always move out.

Accept the flat.

Congratulations on the baby, how exciting!

I am not sure what the problem is here....

You say it isn't as if it is a crib it's a flat.....but they can clearly afford this and so maybe relatively it is the same as someone who has nothing giving the baby a crib or buggy....

If you are that uncomfortable with it why not say that is lovely you feel awkward so can you treat it as a loan until you and your BF are financially secure and able to buy a property of your own....

It seems to solve your financial worries.

just to reiterate what some other posters have said - you'll be so grateful when the baby comes. I have a two month old and it is exhausting, '. accept all the help you can get! we've had to accept some help with our rent from parents (we live in London). we did talk to them about "terms" to check expectations, but there were none - they just remembered how it feels to have a newborn AND they were so excited to be having a grandchild! I expect your DP's parents feel the same.

you sound great, all the best with the baby!

I am surprised by the very grabby advice you've received here.

It would be very foolish to make your new home with your child and a very recent boyfriend in a flat owned by his family.

You would be very vulnerable to people you basically don't know if you and your child's home belonged to them and they could make you homeless at the drop of a hat.

The only way you should accept this is if you have a proper, legal tenancy agreement that means you are legally entitled to stay if your relationship doesn't work out.

I think the simplest option would be for your boyfriend to accept a flat as an investment, rent it out, and use the rental income to cover some or all of the rent on a property you rent together.

Blindly moving in to a flat owned by a wealthy family you don't know when you are pregnant with their grandchild and ignoring everything valuable your life has taught you about money and power and how they intersect, woukd be doing yourself a disservice.

Their wealth doesn't make them better or more generous. Your background doesn't mean you know nothing of the world.

Sleigh has a point, but could you clarify who will actually own the flat and what the terms will be?
Who would choose the flat, etc?

Sleigh, would your advice be the same if bf already had the flat when they got together and then OP moved in?

If bf accepts flat as investment and they use rent to rent somewhere else isn't it still more his contribution than hers even if she's named on tenancy? I understand your point but what you're suggesting sounds convoluted and doesn't negate that bf and his parents will be contributing more than OP in financial terms to their start as a family. Which I agree could make OP vulnerable if things don't work out but having legal right under tenancy to stay in a place she couldn't afford to run by herself if things don't work out won't be much good to OP either.

I think OP has to make sure she's financially secure in her own right going forward but that's not mutually exclusive with moving into the apartment at least to start with and having an understanding with bf of what their long term objective is (for me that would be somewhere they can own jointly in the future).