to feel that we cannot possibly accept this?

[OhThePlacesYoullGo]

My BF and I have been together for six months now and have just decided to move in together after finding out I am pregnant earlier this month. While this was completely unplanned, we are now both very happy and excited about having a baby together. I was initially very concerned about finances as my bf still has another 1.5 years before finishing med school and I am in the first year of my (paid) doctorate. However, I have since found out that I am entitled to maternity pay and as I have some savings, figured we would somehow be able to wing it until he starts work, even if that does involve sharing a studio flat and second hand baby clothes.

I met BF's parents for the first time earlier this month, which is also when we told them that I am pregnant. Let's just say BF and I are from COMPLETELY different backgrounds, as in I grew up in foster care and he went to boarding school and goes rowing and they have a freakin' beach house 'for weekends'. So I was already scared witless that they would be less than impressed at him bringing me home.

They had us over for Christmas and have now offered us a flat. I mean, what???? I barely know them, they probably think I am some kind of gold digger and getting pregnant was a ruse to get their son. BF thinks I am being crazy and that it's no problem at all. But I am not, am I now? That's not normal; I don't know them. I cannot let them give us a flat. We will manage somehow.

It makes op less vulnerable, from a psychological and practical perspective. She can ask bf to leave, if they are living in a neutral place and take a roommate to cover rent, for example. She has money to pay her share of the rent, and in a neutral place she is not obligated to his family.

I didn't want to bring up the issue of the bf, earlier. But my first thought on reading this thread was, did he not wear a condom? If he didn't, that is incredibly selfish and would get my antennae up a bit. When we were married, in our early years, my dh would wear a condom and ejaculate outside, in conjunction with my bc. I was doing my PhD and he didn't want to mess that up. (sorry if that is TMI)

Sleigh is talking so much sense. It is great to hope for the best...but please make sure you are protecting your own interests during such a vulnerable time, when you have you AND a little one to look after.

OP you sound like a strong person. Wish you all the best.

Xposted with sleigh

I'd be very grateful if I were u that they are being so pleasant and supportive. This could so easily have been a different kind of thread.

My only thought is what I'd give for all un married couples, put yourselves together a list of who is bringing what in when u first move in together. You can get flat share agreements from whsmiths for a tenner. This way not just your items on arrival are protected but so are his. He has to also think of himself here. Then what u but together u can share 50/50. My dh and I did this at the start when I bought a flat and he moved in.

Both of us were worried of the what if scenario. I could've lost the flat and him his gear. This kind of took the worry away and we forgot about it and we got engaged. I think it just gave us confidence? Whatever we r married now 8 yrs and two dds.

His parents might also appreciate the concern from you as of course he might not be the one where an issues arises, it could be u....

Hopefully not and life is great. Good luck with everything

You may not know your BF very well yet, OP, but you know him infinitely better than anyone else posting on this thread. While its wise to consider the thoughts of people who've had bad experiences which have maybe destroyed their ability to trust, that is not the norm. You're not a silly girl who can't fend for herself if things do go pearshape (and I don't see anything in what you've posted that suggests this is particularly likely). You've got work, you've got some savings, I don't see how this can in any way leave you more vulnerable than you would be otherwise (other than emotionally maybe, and you don't strike me as someone who couldn't cope). Letting your BF and yourself have a flat only gives his parents a 'hold over you' if (a) they're controlling types and (b) you're the sort who succumbs to being controlled. I think some posters are projecting their own past problems onto your situation - well, some of their points may be worth considering but for goodness sakes don't let their suspicions warp what seems to be the beginnings of good relationships

look

take the flat. enjoy it, congrats on your baby.

His parents obviously like you. You are financially independent, have a great career awaiting you and are starting a family. If they had doubts about your intentions they would not have offered you this flat - don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

we struggled financially for years. it's crap not having money when you have children, not having to pay for a mortgage allows you to get the best childcare for your baby (if that's what you want) you can afford a nanny which can easily equal or exceed the monthly cost of a mortgage.

really, just accept it, you will need all the help you can get with fledgling career and small baby, i think his parents can see this as they have been through it themselves and are offering some sensible help.

Grimm, I am not projecting any bad experiences. DH and I just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. I finished my PhD on time, with no mishaps. I got a great job and have independent assets. Plus I come from a wealthy family who will protect my interests.

I am just speaking sense. No agenda at all.

and yy to what grimma is saying - don't let other people project their bad experiences on to your relationship, grab this time and be happy, you have everything right now, enjoy it.

I intend to the same for my DTs; given, of course, we like the future brides-to-be.
Accept it gracefully but if you feel the need, do talk to them about your concerns as you have done here. Honesty will always be appreciated.

No bad experiences here either.

I'm happily married and from a well-off family.

I think it is extremely odd to say that it "warps" a relationship to take sensible precautions to protect yourself in the early stages.

There is a definite cultural bias towards women making themselves dependent on men, even where they don't know them well, in the name of love.

"If they had doubts about your intentions they would not have offered you this flat"

They don't know her at all.

This gift to their son says nothing about their feelings for the OP.

If they are decent people they are hoping (like the OP is hoping) for a happy ending.

But it's way too early in the relationship for anything other than hope.

And hope is great. I'm an eternal optimist.

But I am not a fool. And only a fool would take this offer without making sure the home they were making for their new baby was a home they could not be asked to leave on the whim of someone they had just met.

sleighbellsA tenancy confers all the rights she needs.

Does it? Are you sure about that? I thought that most modern private tenancies offered very few rights. But if that is the case, OP can go and get that tenancy if things do go wrong. She will then have a sizable deposit anyway. In OP's case, I think paying rent is a waste of money because I get the impression she will actually be using her savings in order to do so. She is earning - not sure how much but childcare costs will eat into that quite soon. Her BF is presumably being supported by his parents at the moment - and that won't change for another 18 months.

flatbreadShe can ask bf to leave, if they are living in a neutral place and take a roommate to cover rent, for example.

If, as OP implied, all they could afford was a studio, I don't think sharing with a mum and baby would be an attractive proposition for a roommate.

I don't get the impression that the parents are wanting control over OP - they are landlords; they own several properties, and obviously feel they can let one of them go for their DS, GF and potential DGC. Perhaps the best compromise might be to take their offer - but as tenants with a proper tenancy agreement but paying well below market rent.

they could not be asked to leave on the whim of someone they had just met.

It's not "they", though, is it? It's his parents.
It's the op that has just met them.

I think it is extremely odd to say that it "warps" a relationship to take sensible precautions to protect yourself in the early stages.

Would be, if that's what I'd meant. Sensible precautions is good - I'm worried about sowing the seeds of distrust uneccessarily. But not too worried because the OP sounds like she has lots of sense and can judge whether her BF is trustworthy.

given, of course, we like the future brides-to-be

This is exactly why the OP needs to protect herself!

accept graciously, save for your own home for later when the studies are over, be kind to them, they want to help. I would love to be able to give my Ds and Gf a flat. hard as it is to accept, they want the best for you all. you need to learn that its ok to accept help and to be loved. good luck, happy future.

OP, you sound really nice and looks like you're about the bring a baby into the world with a lovely man who comes from a lovely family. I suspect you are worrying about nothing here, but I completely understand why.

I come from a family who (with the exception of my late father) are fantastic but we didn't have much growing up. There were times when it was touch and go whether we could buy food (sometimes we really couldn't). DP on the other hand comes from a wealthy family who wouldn't know poverty if it jumped up and bit them. They are the kindest, sweetest and loveliest people you could wish to know and I have never had a reason to doubt their nature. But when they offered DP and I a significant figure towards our house (they gave us over £100k) I still balked at it, and unconsciously wondered why and what was in it for them. I felt like crap for thinking like that because they are good people who were just being caring and helping us, but my background taught me to be suspicious of people who offer something like that with no return expected.

I would certainly find out exactly what the terms of this offer are, OP, and like I said I understand entirely why accepting it is difficult for you, but try to see it from a neutral perspective if you can. It's overwhelmingly likely they are just kind and generous people.

Congratulations on the pregnancy! :)

"It's the op that has just met them."

Yeah, and she's known him for half a year. These are all people she doesn't really know yet.

So the fact that they know each other is of no consequence when deciding to make herself entirely subject to their caprice.

"the OP sounds like she has lots of sense and can judge whether her BF is trustworthy."

If she has lots of sense she'll know that it's too soon to make judgements about trustworthiness that involve putting herself in a weak position.

Even if these people mean well and are not remotely controlling or bossy (and that's a big if) their generosity is for their son. If the relationship breaks down, she will not be able to rely on their generosity.

This offer suits them. It suits him.

But there's precious little in it for a woman who can afford to pay her own rent and will soon be earning a good salary.

OP, leaving aside the housing situation for a moment, have you and bf discussed a plan on how you will finish your PhD and the timeframe?

If I were your mum, that is the first thing I would ask you.

If the op can save part of her salary that would go to rent, it can only be good for her.
Even if she was kicked out.

Slaving away to support a student and pay rent is likely to be much worse.

But I agree in asking what are your plans for when the baby comes. It will be at a crucial time of your studies. You'll need a lot of support.

"But there's precious little in it for a woman who can afford to pay her own rent and will soon be earning a good salary."

There's the opportunity to save that money that would have gone on rent. To use that money towards a deposit for a property in her own name. To use it towards childcare while she finished her PHd and works towards that great salary.... In short, many freedoms or opportunities. And perhaps most of all the freedom frpm the financial difficulty of managing a household and new baby on one student salary. That could cause the downfall of either or both their studies, and create friction and stress in their relationship at a time which makes many couples vulnerable.

I would take up the offer but ask for a tenancy agreement paying a nominal amount of rent.

It is horrible to have a baby and feel stressed about money. This can put strain on the best of relationships and make it harder to concentrate on your studies.
It is difficult to have a baby relatively early on in a relationship.
It is hard to study and look after a baby.

Take up this offer and ease one of the burdens on yourself.

If I was OP's mum (as opposed to bf's mum), these are the hard questions I would be asking to protect my daughter

A. What is the plan for OP to finish her PhD and the timeframe?

B. Will OP be expected to make all the sacrifices in delaying her studies, or will bf take time out of his medical degree to support their child?

C. If bf is not willing to delay his studies, will his parents be willing to contribute for childcare?

D. Where will OP and BF live? Will they have equal claim/rights over their accommodation? If there is any dispute, will OP have sufficient protection?

E. If Pil offer accommodation over and above childcare, I would suggest going with Sleigh's recommendation of renting pil property out and using the money towards a neutral rental. That will be inconvenient to pil and bf, but provide greater protection to OP

So after lot's of talking we went over to his parents house this eve to say thank you and accept their very generous offer. Thanks to all of you, it really helped looking at things from different angles. We will move into 'soon to be BF's flat' the beginning of next year before exams and between placements for me.

Re: education - I am doing a clinical doctorate, so not the same as PhD. It's a bit more like FY1 for medics I suppose, in that I am working across different psych services and am paid a proper salary. It also means I qualify for maternity leave and pay and it just means that I will need to complete any placements I miss after my cohort finish. BF will finish med school as planned, though will not be able to do his elective abroad.

I am nervous and excited about the prospect of having our own home. Also strange as today for the first time a random stranger asked me how far along I was, so I guess I actually look pregnant now. Makes it all more real.

that's great news, so lovely to hear the conclusion - all the best with everything OP!

Oh good! Glad the thread helped.