To ask if there is any way to handle this differently?

[NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems]

It's a very long story so please bare with me and I don't want to drip feed

My SIL is lovely but has had a very hard life and as a result refuses to go any where near my DH. She won't be in the same room as him and refused to allow him to attend her wedding or any family get together that her and my brother wish to attend (DH, quite unfortunately, looks similar in build and looks to her very abusive ex).

For the last three years this has meant that if my parents or my brother host a family get together DH either can't attend or does attend resulting in a lot of tension and a very upset SIL. If we are hosting one then either only my brother attends or he makes an excuse not to attend. I've no idea whether or not she is seeking help dealing with her past but I hope she is

Is it unreasonable to want to attend family gatherings with my DH without worrying about how it will affect SIL? Or to not have my mum or brother asking if I wouldn't mind just bringing DS with me? Or asking me which weekends my DH is working so that they can plan a meet up for when he is?

SIL doesn't have any close family and seems to be thrilled that she's been taken into the fold and is mothered constantly by my mum . Any family gatherings that SIL doesn't attend DH is allowed to attend. I'm starting to feel pushed out of my own family, if that makes sense, since I'm not happy leaving DH behind every time there is a family event

DH says he doesn't mind and would rather not attend if attending is going to cause SIL stress. Thinking about it since my brother got married I've attended fewer and fewer family events and have made a lot more effort to do things with my PILs.

• I'm not entirely sure this is the right place for my thread. If not I'll ask for it to be moved.

There's no way I'd allow my DH to be sidelined like this. To be treat as though he was her ex - no way. He was already a part of the family, what would your parents have done if he had been another brother?

I'm sorry she has had a very tough past (if she has) but she needs help to deal with that.

Your brother needs to wise up as well. You hate your SIL because you aren't prepared to exclude your husband and miss out on family events because he looks like her ex?! Madness.

yes, I guess she can go, but you wouldn't want to keep leaving him behind would you? and so there's times when she doesn't go, and that's creating it's own wedge.

If anyone should stay home, it should be HER. She is the one with the issues, not your DH. This is your family, not hers. Just because you have DH's family, it doesn't mean you should miss out on your own.

You're not being dense at all I can go on my own and have done but I'm leaving part of my family behind so either way I'm not really enjoying it as much. If I bring DH then there is an atmosphere, if I don't bring him them my family are apologetic and it's uncomfortable so still an atmosphere. If I want to see my brother then I do have to go on my own though I tend not to bring DS.

nothing do you think you could feel better about the situation if your brother at least acknowledged or reassured you this wasn't intended to be a permanent solution?

I understand that even with counselling it might never be feasible for your sil to get past where she is, but I would feel incredibly hurt if every one thought this was Ok and thats it. Your dh is your family, you love him and he's the father of your child, of course you feel upset on his behalf.

Through no fault of his - or sil's- you can't enjoy your whole family together. That's not something anyone would aim for I'm sure. Unfortunately, the only solutions available require the effort from sil, there's nothing anyone else can do.

Does she ever miss out ont hese gatherings? so that your DH can go?

It must be hard for you, and I don't mean to overlook the sacrifice you have to make.

Do you mean that if you bring DH, even if SIL is not there, there is still an atmosphere? Why is that? And why should there be so much atmosphere if he's not there?

Is it because things aren't really being discussed openly? is there any way all of you can just say: right, not ideal, but it is what it is for now, so let's just treat it like a practical problem and make the best of it. If you are all on board with it, shouldn't that diminish the atmosphere?

I just think you should think carefully about your options. I don't really see how you can do anything differently without causing a huge uproar that will delay things getting better.

OP, I have to say I'm intrigued by this whole situation. I really hope you sort it out and please keep us updated.

I also would never allow my DH to be excluded as he is part of MY family.
Sorry but I think the behaviour of your family is disgusting & would be telling them so if I were you, feel very sorry for your husband as he sounds just lovely.

No, if SIL isn't there then there is no atmosphere but if I go without DH it's because SIL is there. It sort of feels like when SIL is there I'm not really welcome in my own family at times. I know its me being stupid but that's how it's starting to feel.

This year we should have all been renting a cottage together for a big family Xmas happens every few years - We couldn't go as of course BD and SIL wanted to go why wouldn't you want to spend Xmas with your family and since they would be spending it on their own if they didn't go DH suggested we stay home and invite his parents, brothers and their partners round, which we did and had a lovely time but still

dreaming, even if the OP's SIL's fragility is taken at face value, it is still desperately unfair for OP and her dh to be excluded from the family as a result. The OP and her dh have done nothing wrong. Why should OP be all but estranged from her family because an IL has issues that are not her responsibility?

It's not stupid, OP, I'm afraid it is you finally realising what is actually happening here. Your SIL may be an extremely damaged woman but she and your brother cannot be allowed to cut you off from your own family. That is not a solution.

The more I read the more it seems like she has sinister motives.
I could totally understand an initial panic attack on meeting your DH if he looks like her abusive ex. But them her stance should have been apologetic if anything, more like " I am so sorry about this situation I am working in it I will hold back from certain family gatherings until I get better".
Your poor, poor DH. This needs to stop.

Without knowing the back story, I think it's hard to say whether you SIL is being awful or not, but the point for me is that she & your DB should be actively working to make the situation better - such as counselling or therapy of some kind - if this isn't happening then its very wrong & very wrong of your family to go along with it also.

Good luck Op as the situation sounds horrible for you & well done to your DH for not making a drama out of it.

DreamngBohemian, this woman's had three years already of being pandered to at the OP's expense. Even if her story is true then surely she has some responsibility towards other family members and cannot expect everything to be micromanaged around her issues forever.

You mentioned another sister - what does she think?

What I wonder is whether OP's DS resembles the OP or her DH more? What happens if he grows up to look the SIL's attacker too. Will he be banished too?

So basically you will never again be able to spend Christmas with your parents?

As your brother and sil will be with them every year or otherwise will have to be on their own. Is that right?

The only way I can think there is any justification for this is if your sil thinks your dh is her abuser. In which case (presuming he isn't) someone needs to point it out to her. Because potentially you are looking at years and years of your children not being able to spend important times with their father and grandparents.

And what if your DS looks like his dad when he is a bit older? Is she going to exclude him too?

Your sil is nuts!!

Your dh is NOT the man who abused her and its unfair on you both to be excluded on the basis of this.

I'd har words and just state that she either needs help or does not attend.

I've had a horrid past, but the blame lies with the abuser and no one else.

God no! We're going to my parents next year not sure what DB and SIL are doing. We've not had a big family Xmas since just after me and DH got married so he felt it was only fair to let SIL experience one, lovely man that he is probably sick of being mothered .

My sister thinks it's a naff situation but there's not a lot that can be done. We do make more of an effort to see each other, each other DC and partners.

What a terrible situation. Your SIL sounds as though she wants the entire family to revolve around her. Of course everyone feels sorry for her and the abuse she suffered, but they absolutely should not pander to her ridiculous requests. It is unfair and cruel to you and your DH, and in the long run it won't help your SIL.

I would imagine a very serious conversation or two must be had, with your parents, your brother, and your SIL. I don't envy you, OP. I'm sure these conversations will be uncomfortable for you. But the situation is really untenable for you. If I were you, I'd tell the whole family that from now on, DH will attend all family events. I wouldn't be confrontational about it, but I would be very clear.

This thread has made me realise how strange families can be. The things they hide, the double standards for certain children ! - mine included in that...

The only thing I can think of that would make your family's attitude reasonable is if there's something between your SIL and your DH that no one is telling you about. Is this possible?

If not, then YANBU, and I'd try to arrange a family conference - no in-laws, neither your SIL or your DH - to sort this one out,