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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if there is any way to handle this differently?

247 replies

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems · 28/12/2012 11:44

It's a very long story so please bare with me and I don't want to drip feed

My SIL is lovely but has had a very hard life and as a result refuses to go any where near my DH. She won't be in the same room as him and refused to allow him to attend her wedding or any family get together that her and my brother wish to attend (DH, quite unfortunately, looks similar in build and looks to her very abusive ex).

For the last three years this has meant that if my parents or my brother host a family get together DH either can't attend or does attend resulting in a lot of tension and a very upset SIL. If we are hosting one then either only my brother attends or he makes an excuse not to attend. I've no idea whether or not she is seeking help dealing with her past but I hope she is Sad

Is it unreasonable to want to attend family gatherings with my DH without worrying about how it will affect SIL? Or to not have my mum or brother asking if I wouldn't mind just bringing DS with me? Or asking me which weekends my DH is working so that they can plan a meet up for when he is?

SIL doesn't have any close family and seems to be thrilled that she's been taken into the fold and is mothered constantly by my mum . Any family gatherings that SIL doesn't attend DH is allowed to attend. I'm starting to feel pushed out of my own family, if that makes sense, since I'm not happy leaving DH behind every time there is a family event Sad

DH says he doesn't mind and would rather not attend if attending is going to cause SIL stress. Thinking about it since my brother got married I've attended fewer and fewer family events and have made a lot more effort to do things with my PILs.

  • I'm not entirely sure this is the right place for my thread. If not I'll ask for it to be moved.
OP posts:
CrazyChristmasLady · 28/12/2012 23:50

YANBU. You need to say something. Its not fair for your DH to be excluded from family gatherings because of her. She is treating him unfairly. He didn't do anything to her and she needs to realise this.

Her phonecall to you when you were pregnant makes her sound unhinged!

I was abused and couldn't hear his name for years. I hated anyone saying his name. It is a fairly common name though and I got over it as DH has the same name.

mrslaughan · 28/12/2012 23:57

its twice a year....your family are being extremely unreasonable. She doesn't have to be best friends with him, just tolerate, make an effort, be polite.

She has problems, she needs to deal with them in a way that does not split your family.

Your family are not helping her - as they are just feeding her neurosis - its sad this is where she is at - presuming she not just some manipulative twunt...but really, I would not be saying it is fine.

Esp when you have children - what do they make of it?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 29/12/2012 03:29

I think your DParents probably already disliked your DH.

Why are they all so happy to just cut him off? Have they spoken of reservations they have about him? Have you broken up or been very on/off in the past?

yousmell · 29/12/2012 06:45

I think I would dig deep with DH and brother and find out if there is any more to this. Do you think something has happened previously or maybe SIL has control issues and wants to split the family.

If there isn't any more to the situation, I would insist DH attends every event with you and explain you won't bother attending if he can't. You are either all accepted or all rejected. Explain that the situation can't/won't continue as it is and that your BIL/SIL/mother must find a proper solution and leave it in their hands.

yousmell · 29/12/2012 06:46

What is your brother doing about it all?

yousmell · 29/12/2012 06:51

Why is your brother accepting such controlling behavior?

exoticfruits · 29/12/2012 07:37

I think you need to bring it all out into the open and discuss it- with everyone there- saying that a resolution has to be found and you are not carrying on in the present way.

Original poster
NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems · 29/12/2012 08:54

She's DBs world - he's stressed if she's stressed. He would like us to all be at the same events but doesn't feel that she is ready to handle that a bit like everyone else really Unfortunately according to DB she can't have DC as a result of the abuse. She's very good with kids though

Thanks for the benefit of the doubt with DH he's not the monster SIL thinks he is. We've been married just over 6 years and known each other since school. Parents like him they wouldn't hesitate to say if they didn't Unfortunately since we live so far away meeting up to help her see DH differently would require an entire day, possibly two so isn't really practical

OP posts:
sleeplessinsuburbia · 29/12/2012 09:08

I think she's lying.

She sounds horrible.

I agree with everything worra said.

gimmecakeandcandy · 29/12/2012 09:15

I think your sil is WELL out of order and this is so unfair. I don't think walking on eggshells is helping anyone and she needs to be told that this cannot go on. Your dh is being totally vilified for NO reason and your pathetic family let it happen? No no - you must all say enough of this. It is not your dh's fault he looks like someone. Doesn't she have the intelligence to see he is not her ex? And how her actions are separating a family? You need to talk to your parents and to her and tell her this is unfair and unacceptable.

I cannot believe your family has let this happen!

gimmecakeandcandy · 29/12/2012 09:19

The more I read the more angry I am for you - please stop walking on eggshells for this silly, factured woman who is ruining your family. She is totally out of order, I don't care what she had been through, it doesn't warrant this. Please talk to your mum etc and find a way to end this. Don't hide your dh away for this stupid woman.

EleanorGiftbasket · 29/12/2012 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shockers · 29/12/2012 09:47

I don't blame your DH for agreeing to stay away though.... who would want to stand there while someone had a panic attack because of your presence in the room, it must be awful for him.

I agree that if your folks really cared about her feelings, they would support her in getting help.

JustFabulous · 29/12/2012 09:59

I was all set to be on your SIL's side as I occasionally see someone who looks like ...... and it is awful. I have to ring DH and he talks to me until I am calm.

However, she is being weird and ride to you and you don't look like her ex.

Your parents are trying to be welcoming and supportive but in that they are enabling her to stay in victim mode and the fact you have inlaws is irrelevant. One doesn't make up for the other.

You have nothing to lose by talking to your parents and say you are not going to have DH, the father of their grandchild, treated like a leper any more and they need to stop allowing their DIL to dictate what goes on at family gatherings. She needs to seek help as you are bringing DH and if they point blank say no, then no one will come and they have made their choice. It will be upsetting as they may stilol choose her - poor vulnerable SIL? - but you know where you stand then and you can make a strong family within your house and with your PIL.

acceptableinthe80s · 29/12/2012 10:02

Have you ever actually seen a photo of the ex? Has your DB? Have to say i think she's lying. She sounds like a manipulative control freak and a bit unhinged tbh. Your family need to stop enabling her. I would simply refuse to exclude your DH from now on, as others have said if she can't handle seeing him (i find this quite unbelievable) then she needs to stay away. Next time you have a family gathering simply tell your DB that your DH will be attending end of. It is then up to her whether she chooses to attend also.

DontmindifIdo · 29/12/2012 10:36

good point about what the ex actually looks like - you said you know someone who knows him, have you asked if the ex does in fact look just like your DH? (and not just a "well, they are both tall and white/black with broad shoulders, but otherwise, no.")

CecilyP · 29/12/2012 10:47

Yes, I have been wondering that too. I would be sufficiently curious to find out who the ex was, get a photo and see if they are really all that alike. Do you know any more than what your DB has told you. If the abuse was as bad as implied, might it not have resulted in prosecution?

But just supposing that your DH looks so uncannily like him that your SiL on first meeting, thought it was him, and reacted badly, then a lovely person would then would later apologise for her reaction and that would be that. To milk it for 3 years and to get complicity from your parents in this milking, is just wrong.

pictish · 29/12/2012 12:28

I agree Cecily.

gimmecakeandcandy · 29/12/2012 19:06

Update op?!

simplesusan · 29/12/2012 19:13

Just to add I wasn't invited to in laws wedding anniversary and neither was bil. We have both been married for 20 years!
The reason? myother bil-dh brother- "didn't have a wife" and mil thought he would feel left out.
Result- neither myself dh, bil, sil or the single bil went!!!
Ridiculous but some families cannot see how bizzare their behaviour is.

Borntobeamum · 29/12/2012 19:26

Nowt so queer as folk as my Nana used to say.

I fear there's more to this too.

Original poster
NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems · 30/12/2012 13:16

gimme - I'm trawling through DBs facebook trying to find the cousin so that I can then hopefully trawl through his facebook and find the Ex or since I don't know the Exs name someone who looks like DH. So I'm looking for a 6"4 ish man with a weight lifters/rugby players body, brown hair though since the Ex is meant to look like DH I should be saying bald since he's shaved all his off , hazel eyes and a bit of facial hair.

Have nagged DB who now thinks I hate SIL since I'm not prepared to leave things the way they are it's not healthy!! DH and the Ex have similar interests (weight lifting (both have competed), going to the gym, rugby, like a lot of the same things ect - Of course DH may look similar in build if they do similar things, plenty of DH's friends have a similar build Hmm )

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 30/12/2012 13:19

well done, get the facts in front of you,

Name, looks and what actually happened, you may be doing your brother a big favour.

izzyhasanewchangeling · 30/12/2012 13:25

Cecily sometimes even the worst abuse does not result in prosecution.

izzyhasanewchangeling · 30/12/2012 13:29

Nor despite her horrendous behaviour shiuld the OP be digging into SIL s past - its almost irrelevant - her reaction to OPs DH is irrational whatever is causing it - its unacceptable for the family to exclude OPs DH - whatever happened to SIL ops DH didnt do it.