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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if there is any way to handle this differently?

247 replies

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems · 28/12/2012 11:44

It's a very long story so please bare with me and I don't want to drip feed

My SIL is lovely but has had a very hard life and as a result refuses to go any where near my DH. She won't be in the same room as him and refused to allow him to attend her wedding or any family get together that her and my brother wish to attend (DH, quite unfortunately, looks similar in build and looks to her very abusive ex).

For the last three years this has meant that if my parents or my brother host a family get together DH either can't attend or does attend resulting in a lot of tension and a very upset SIL. If we are hosting one then either only my brother attends or he makes an excuse not to attend. I've no idea whether or not she is seeking help dealing with her past but I hope she is Sad

Is it unreasonable to want to attend family gatherings with my DH without worrying about how it will affect SIL? Or to not have my mum or brother asking if I wouldn't mind just bringing DS with me? Or asking me which weekends my DH is working so that they can plan a meet up for when he is?

SIL doesn't have any close family and seems to be thrilled that she's been taken into the fold and is mothered constantly by my mum . Any family gatherings that SIL doesn't attend DH is allowed to attend. I'm starting to feel pushed out of my own family, if that makes sense, since I'm not happy leaving DH behind every time there is a family event Sad

DH says he doesn't mind and would rather not attend if attending is going to cause SIL stress. Thinking about it since my brother got married I've attended fewer and fewer family events and have made a lot more effort to do things with my PILs.

  • I'm not entirely sure this is the right place for my thread. If not I'll ask for it to be moved.
OP posts:
forgetmenots · 28/12/2012 16:46

That's even stranger nothing. You definitely need to have a talk with the family, this has gone too far. I would sort this out ASAP to be honest.

misterwife · 28/12/2012 16:46

'DH says he doesn't mind and would rather not attend if attending is going to cause SIL stress.'

Then he's a saint.

Unlike the majority of posters I would say that, unfortunately, this situation is just very hard luck. Your DH is a trigger for abuse memories. Right now, your SIL has no control over her reaction to those memories.

The answer is that she needs to get some. She needs professional help, and you need to be sure that she is getting it (you don't need to organise it - just get assurances that she's getting it), because until she attempts to resolve these issues - which obviously hasn't happened - your situation will not move forward. And it needs to, because as it is it's not sustainable for you, your DH, or the rest of your family.

forthesakeofoldQODsyne · 28/12/2012 16:50

My immediate reaction without reading to the end of the thread is that she should fuck off! What a cheek, that's utterly utterly out of order!!!!!
You wouldn't accept that if she wouldn't see him if he was Asian, Black, Purple or friggin Irish, why should he be excluded cos of his looks?

Way out of fecking order

quoteunquote · 28/12/2012 16:57

Basically to tell me that DH IS abusive and to try and convince me that he was either already abusing me or that he was going to start It has to be the strangest phone call I've ever had. Anyone who knows DH knows he isn't

I would stay away from her, all of you.

I would also track down the ex and have a look, and even ask if there is anything behind her claims,

She sounds like a fantasist.

If you are going to be living with this scenario as a permanent fixture in family life, it would be worth finding out if it is true.

colleysmill · 28/12/2012 17:10

From your last post op it seems that the sil is either convinced your dh actually is her ex or is projecting her experiences onto him in someway (although I am most definately not an expert!)

Have they definately not met before? if not then she clearly needs some professional help and quick. It sounds like this is escalating beyond what your family can deal with alone

SugaricePlumFairy · 28/12/2012 17:24

As I asked upthread do you or anyone in your circle know who the ex is and what he looks like?

Original poster
NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems · 28/12/2012 17:30

Sorry Sugar Blush Yeah one of DBs work colleagues knows the Exs cousin. Not really in my circle but at least I know there IS an ex

OP posts:
Chrysanthemum5 · 28/12/2012 17:37

I think your SIL is being completely unreasonable but you know that. It sounds as if she needs to talk to a specialist, it's just not healthy to assume everyone who looks like her ex is abusive.

I also wonder why she has brought all this up? I had a very abusive past but I don't really discuss it because I don't want it to define me. It's gone for her to be open, but what is she doing to move on?

I think another poster made a good point - what if your DS looks like your DH will he be excluded as well.

I suspect your family feel sorry for her which us kind, but really doing her no favours. She needs to seek professional help.

SugaricePlumFairy · 28/12/2012 17:42

Can you get to your Parents soon to discuss this?

While you've got the bit between your teeth do you feel strong enough to stand up to them all.

DontmindifIdo · 28/12/2012 19:01

so at least you know there's the ex, and it's not your DH!

Try to talk to your parents, and your DH, he might say he's ok with it, but how does he feel really? It must hurt to be labelled an abuser just because of the way he looks! What is it about him that makes her think that he must be an abuser because of his appearance?

FolkElf · 28/12/2012 19:17

I agree with everyone else.

If her explanation is true then I really feel she needs the support to come to terms with it because she must find it emotionally and mentally exhausting to live with this. And it would be quite extreme for her to be reacting like this now about something that happened in her distant past.

However, I suspect that it's more likely to be the case that maybe he does resemble her ex. Maybe she had a bit of a Shock reaction when she first saw him and liked the way people responded to her and is, for want of a better expression, 'milking' it. Especially in light of her own family situation.

It would certainly explain why she feels she can make such outrageous demands without having to justify any of them; "goodness, she must have suffered terribly to behave like this!" "I agree, and for her to not even be able to talk about it" "Yes. Bless the poor girl"

Unfortunately some people are manipulative fantasists. And one of the things they rely on is the kindness and generosity of others not pulling them up on the things they say or challenging them out of decency and consideration for them - just in case it's the truth

comedycentral · 28/12/2012 19:28

I am so shocked at this thread. You sound lovely OP, very understanding but it's time to stand up for your family.

yousmell · 28/12/2012 19:47

Your SIL obviously needs to get to know your DH better and realise that her ex and you DH are totally different people. In you shoes, I'd be gently arranging games nights/walks/cinema nights etc with yourself/DH and SIL/brother. Don't involve your mum etc in the arrangements at all - she doesn't even have to know. Keep it small. Also talk to your brother about wanting to move forward and making sure that future family gatherings can be inclusive as it's important o you that SIL and DH are both there. Take it gently and slowly, building things up in a positive way. Let your SIL see just how gentle DH is. Maybe he could show her photos of his past?

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas · 28/12/2012 21:03

What is she going to go if her children grow to look like her ex, this isn't a long term solution.

SugaricePlumFairy · 28/12/2012 21:16

yousmell this is a 3 year rift and sil didn't even want OP's dh at her wedding! It should have been tackled then.

Forget the baby steps, this situation requires intervention now , I'm amazed OP had been so patient!

pictish · 28/12/2012 21:39

Yes she's a damaged woman.
Damaged and damaging.

She doesn't sound lovely at all.

abbierhodes · 28/12/2012 22:29

I've read all of this thread, and I must say your last post puts a whole new spin on things.
Strangers on the internet can only judge to a certain extent as we never have all sides of a story.
But I'm amazed that very few posters have asked about your DH and what he is like.

This woman may simply have issues that are being handled wrongly, or she may be a crazed nutcase trying to steal your family...or...she may have a valid point about your DH. Obviously, I have no idea. But as a stranger to you both, I don't automatically rule it out.

Pantomimedam · 28/12/2012 22:34

abbie, I think most of us are doing the OP the courtesy of assuming she knows her dh and whether he's a decent person or a nasty piece of work.

QuacksForDoughnuts · 28/12/2012 23:17

If her story is true, it must really suck to be her. I know as I have similar issues. I spent the best part of a university term on edge because my tutor was the spitting image of arsehole ex's best friend (who didn't do anything awful but did try to convince me his mate was a decent guy who deserved my sympathy) - looks, voice etc. That was when the relationship was still a recent memory and I'd only just managed to fully disengage from ex. Guess what, the prof in question ended up being my favourite tutor and someone I'm still vaguely friends with now. Now, I have a colleague who could be the ex's twin. When I first set eyes on him I was kind of freaked out by that. I have to say, this colleague is not the first person I tried to make friends with at work and is not the best friend I have there, but over the two years I've got to know him I've gradually managed to distance my perception of him from my ex and we generally get on well. We worked on the same project for two months and it went ok. Even taking the selfish view and leaving aside the impact on others, I think my own life would have been a lot worse if I'd run out screaming and refused to interact with this guy based on physical resemblance to someone he's unlikely to have ever met.

Seriously, I feel for your SIL as I know from experience how difficult it is to separate past abuse from current everyday life. The crap my ex pulls colours whole swathes of my life wrt how I interact with others. I have trouble trusting people, my OH and closest friends often get pissed off with me and I can see why - if I'm having a bad brain day (periods often produce these) then I struggle not to interact with everyone the way I would with a mind-game-playing trying-it-on-with-everyone chronic-lying dickhead. Thing is, I make the effort not to do this. I do my best to force the rational part of my brain into taking charge and telling me that everyone isn't like that guy. It gets easier with time and with practice. Your SIL has had time - at least three years to get used to your husband, presumably a fair bit longer away from her ex - but what she needs is practice. Yes, you'll all need to accept that she may never be friends with your husband, but all you need here is for her to be able to be at the far end of the same room. YANBU to expect that.

FairyInTheGarden · 28/12/2012 23:25

Very strange, you need to get a big shovel out and dig and dig until you get to the bottom of what is really going on here. I absolutely 100% from what I have read here don't believe that your Dh resembles her violent ex in any way shape or form. Not for one minute, it's a smoke screen. Either he IS the violent ex or something happened between your dh and sil or perhaps even she is pushing you out the nest so to speak by making herself a constant victim over and over again.

Think about it logically, we see people all the time who we mistake initially for someone else or think they look like someone but usually when we get to know them and become more familiar they no longer look so much like the person you thought iykwim.

You need to start getting this out in the open and if I were you I would confront her in with family all present to hear it from the horses mouth.

cees · 28/12/2012 23:29

How strange your sil is being ridiculous and your family are facilitating her bizarre behaviour.

Anytime they ask 'can you come without dh' say NO. That's it that's all you have to say, sil has driven a horrible wedge into your family and she has no right to ask others to exclude your dh like this.

Your parents and siblings really should know better.

simplesusan · 28/12/2012 23:38

I think you need to stop pandering to your sil.
I would insist that Dh goes with you on all family visits. Sil should try and tackle her issues. As posters have said the more she gets to know your dh, the more the similarity with her ex will disappear.
It shouldn't be your immediate family which suffer. Make her make the choice of either going to an event or staying at home. Don't let her make you have to choose, that is totally not on.
Don't cause an argument just calmly state that from now on ALL my family will attend. End of.

Misty9 · 28/12/2012 23:38

What does your DB have to say about it all??

Objectively, she could have had the panic attack due to heightened anxiety when meeting the family (for first time you said?) and latched onto your DHs appearance as the trigger (it's normal to want to find a trigger for something as awful as a PA). Then the continuing avoidance of this 'trigger' may have reinforced it as such.

Solution? From a purely psychological point of view in this context. Exposure. If this truly is a 'phobic' response, she's doing herself no favours in avoiding - and all your family colluding in this is not helpful either.

But what does DB say?

Misty9 · 28/12/2012 23:40

Mind you, having said that, it wouldn't explain the frankly bizarre behaviour of her phone call to you when your pregnancy was announced...

Does she have dc? Want dc?

Damash12 · 28/12/2012 23:41

I think there has to be more to it really. If not she's batty and you need to speak to family about it and stop excluding Dh. If my husband only ever took me to in laws when his sisters husband wasn't there ( because I reminds him of a bunny boiler ex) I'd tell the lot of them to get a grip.