To ask if there is any way to handle this differently?

[NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems]

It's a very long story so please bare with me and I don't want to drip feed

My SIL is lovely but has had a very hard life and as a result refuses to go any where near my DH. She won't be in the same room as him and refused to allow him to attend her wedding or any family get together that her and my brother wish to attend (DH, quite unfortunately, looks similar in build and looks to her very abusive ex).

For the last three years this has meant that if my parents or my brother host a family get together DH either can't attend or does attend resulting in a lot of tension and a very upset SIL. If we are hosting one then either only my brother attends or he makes an excuse not to attend. I've no idea whether or not she is seeking help dealing with her past but I hope she is

Is it unreasonable to want to attend family gatherings with my DH without worrying about how it will affect SIL? Or to not have my mum or brother asking if I wouldn't mind just bringing DS with me? Or asking me which weekends my DH is working so that they can plan a meet up for when he is?

SIL doesn't have any close family and seems to be thrilled that she's been taken into the fold and is mothered constantly by my mum . Any family gatherings that SIL doesn't attend DH is allowed to attend. I'm starting to feel pushed out of my own family, if that makes sense, since I'm not happy leaving DH behind every time there is a family event

DH says he doesn't mind and would rather not attend if attending is going to cause SIL stress. Thinking about it since my brother got married I've attended fewer and fewer family events and have made a lot more effort to do things with my PILs.

• I'm not entirely sure this is the right place for my thread. If not I'll ask for it to be moved.

Yes, of course, I do appreciate that; but there are things in OP's posts that would set off alarm bells for me. Though perhaps I have just become extremely suspicious after watching too many documentaries about con-men and women.

agree with quote, the more I think about this the more I suspect your SIL may be a manipulative cow. It may be entirely true that she is a survivor of abuse, but even if she is, she may still be playing games.

It strikes me as very strange, as if she was getting counselling, it would highly unlikely the problem would be tackled in such a way.

When she first met you were you already married or with DH?

So because you are now sticking up for your own DH instead of pandering to your SIL your brother thinks you 'hate' your SIL. It sounds like the sort of thing a 7 year old would say- 'if you are friends with them then you can't be friends with me, ner ner,' etc. It seems he needs to grow up a bit.

I agree with the others here. There's a couple of options. Either your SIL is a manipulative cow and trying to edge her way into your position in the family, or there is something your DH isn't telling you. I would think it unlikely that this avoidance is purely on the basis of looks (not impossible, but for the drama to go on for so long and not be tackled by anyone, it seems like you might not be privy to some information perhaps?).

I would confront who needs to be confronted here and hammer it out. This can't go on. If your SIL doesn't want to be in the same room as your DH, that is her choice but it shouldn't be your DH that is excluded by default. She can withdraw herself, which is what should've gone on from the start.

I'd been married to DH for almost two years when she first met me. Thing is though I have no idea if she is having counseling but I'd have thought if I was in a similar situation that counseling would help and to some extent be a priority.

He thinks I'm belittling SIL's past and her current problems. Honestly I'm not doing that, it's just gotten to a point where I'll most likely only ever get to email/text him since SIL can't be near DH and I can't be bothered to go to the other end of the country on my own or with a young child.

DH, bless him, keeps saying his fine with it and I shouldn't try to change it if it's going to cause problems.

Totally unacceptable behaviour on her behalf - unless she has a reason to dislike your DH due to his behaviour rather than just due to his physical similarities to her Ex.

I think your mum is being totally unfair to go along with this as well - I would not put up with even if it meant falling out with my parents - I personally would not go along with this at all and would not pander to any requests for you to go to things without your DH.

However if he has seen your DH displaying abusive behaviour towards you or her then perhaps fair enough - ie does he tease her - my sister's DH used to do this to me (ie tease me to the point that I felt uncomfortable), and my SIL's DH also and as I result I didn't like either of them. Or is he a bit rude to you in front of her? Just asking as this makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I'd ask your brother whether his wife is having counselling.

And ask your brother to put himself in your place how would he feel if he could only attend family events without SIL, would he accept this as the norm forever?
Regardless of the fact his spouse was innocent in all this.

Does your Brother even know about the mad phone call his wife made to you when you anounced your pregnancy?

I'd also tell your parents outright that you barely see them as it is and they are pushing you out by cutting your husband off, your child(ren) will eventually grow up not having a meaningful relationship with them as you are a family unit and will not continue meeting them without your husband as its grossly unfair, given he has done nothing.
And as another poster pointed out, what happens if your son starts to look like your husband are they going to then cut their grandchild out of their lives in case it upsets their daughter in law?

I'd understand (maybe), if it was a temporary thing, but this sounds like they expect you to permanently walk on egg shells around your sister in law and put her needs and above your family ties forever. And that frankly is ridiculous and untenable.

This must be horrible for you op. I know you say dh is fine with it but can you imagine being excluded for looking like someone! This is potentially very damaging fort your ds, when he picks up on it how will it shape his relationship with his dad?

I would be telling my family you have been patient enough and they either accept you as a family or not at all. Her past is not your fault and she has no right to desperate you from your family.

Your brother needs to start looking outside his own little world tbh. If his wife's issues are making other people unhappy then it's obvious the little bubble he's created to 'protect' her isn't a long term solution.

My impression of the timeline you've known your dh make it highly unlikely that he's had anything to do with your sil's past, if she takes issue with parts of his personality or mannerisms, although it would be very nice of your dh to try and suppress those around her, it's ultimately up to her to learn to function around them. Does she work outside the home?

I'm curious if/what help she's sought, but again it's not something your brother is obliged to tell you.

(Touch wood and all that) but what if something happens to you and your dh is the main link to your dc having a relationship with your family. What happens then? Personal experience has taught me that it's very easy for even close family links to drift, never mind ones that don't exist because you've not seen any one for years.

This is insane.

I don't know how she has the nerve to insist that your DH is excluded from family gatherings - it's not HER family! I am even more amazed that your parents go along with it.

Don't stand for this any longer. It's pandering to her, and alienating you.

Totally bizarre. I don't know how you've put up with this for so long. There is not a hope in hell I'd have been involved in the exclusion of my DH at family gatherings for 3 years. No matter how many times he had said he wasn't bothered. I also can't believe your parents are ok with this.

I'd give them all a wide berth tbh and if they ask why you and your child are not attending gatherings etc I'd tell them straight that all 3 of you attend or none of you. Crazy behaviour by all involved actually, even your DH a little bit. I'd certainly be questioning why I am being excluded from weddings due to physical appearance alone. Bizarre!

Totally bizarre. I don't know how you've put up with this for so long. There is not a hope in hell I'd have been involved in the exclusion of my DH at family gatherings for 3 years. No matter how many times he had said he wasn't bothered. I also can't believe your parents are ok with this.

I'd give them all a wide berth tbh and if they ask why you and your child are not attending gatherings etc I'd tell them straight that all 3 of you attend or none of you. Crazy behaviour by all involved actually, even your DH a little bit. I'd certainly be questioning why I am being excluded from weddings due to physical appearance alone. Bizarre!

Your SIL sounds very much like a woman I used to work with. She had a thing about one particular bloke and used to scream if he sat next to her in the office. Then she would lay down on the floor and cry!
Mollycoddling her did not work and even though she had terrible personal problems the only thing that stopped her was the threat of being fired. I would advise tackling the issue head on as it will not get better if she is pandered to.

I'm going to go against the grain and say YABU for several reasons:

1. You say that your SIL's abuse was truly horrific. She cannot have children because of the abuse she suffered. How long ago was this, five years? It can take years and years to recover from such abuse. Yes, this can cause problems for family members, but their problems are nothing compared to what she went through. Obviously she should be seeking counseling but this is not a quick fix.

1. I think people are being quite dismissive of how powerful triggers can be. Not to make this about me, but many years ago I was raped and nearly murdered, and if I had had to be in close proximity with anyone resembling that man for a number of years afterward, I too would have had panic attacks. It's fine now but it was a long road.

1. It sounds like you are the ONLY one not happy with this situation. Even your DH doesn't mind! (What a kind soul.) Are you sure you want to upset everyone by forcing the issue?

I feel like people are responding as if this is a normal situation. It's not. You don't say exactly what happened to her (I wonder if that would change people's answers?) but really traumatic events are life-changing. Sometimes you are never the same again. It sounds like the rest of your family, even your DH, are prepared to be empathetic and self-sacrificing in recognition of what she has suffered. I think it would be best if you think long-term and think of ways to work around the problem for now, with the hope of gradually improving things.

With lots of support your SIL will no doubt get better. Making her behaviour the centre of a family row is unlikely to improve anything, however.

keeps saying his fine with it and I shouldn't try to change it if it's going to cause problems.

It's really not you that has caused the problems,

Sounds like she had a high anxiety when she first met you all, and used a back story(true or untrue) to justify her reaction.

If you visit your parents with your husband does your brother come and see you?

I've known women like this SIL: mercifully not very many. They are awful, selfish and destructive. Half their stories tend to be untrue but they milk their victim status for all it's worth and cause no end of trouble.

dreamingbohemian you really do make a lot of good points and I don't think the op will be dismissive of any of them.

I do however think that her family needs to understand that they need to make room for her dh as well. They don't live up the road so any contact isn't coming out of no where, I personally don't see why her dh is the one expected to stay out of the picture during visits?

Surely if the sil sees this is a member of the family that isn't going anywhere it means any help she may be seeking isn't reliant on the fact that he's now a trigger that she will never have to deal with, fact is she will at some point have to accept that op and her dh are family. Her inlaws condoning isolating him just justifies her tailoring the op's family relations to suit what she can deal with, and ultimately because she want's to be part of things the op's dh can't.

No matter what happened before she joined the family, it doesn't justify isolating one member. A reasonable person would surely offer occasionally to be the one to be absent?

dreaming, thing is, would you have insisted your BIL was excluded from family gatherings?

I just think it's meaningful that the entire rest of the family seems to believe her and want to help her. Who are we to say she's lying? Terrible things do happen to people and royally fuck them up.

Even the OP has not said she thinks the SIL is lying, she thinks that even if she is telling the truth that she is being unreasonable.

I do think that if the OP posted in graphic detail what happened to her SIL there would be more people saying, jeez, give the poor lady a break. It's easy to think someone is lying and being dramatic if all you are being given is their behaviour, not the root causes of it.

I fully admit I was a bit of a mess for years after what happened to me. I know some people dropped me because of it, while others had patience and stood by me (bless them). I can assure you that if everyone had stopped 'pandering' to me and told me to suck it up that it would not have helped me get over it, it would have made me even more depressed and desperate.

Iam and Panto -- I probably would have stayed home myself, rather than ask anyone else to be excluded... but the OP says that this is something the SIL does anyway (stay home herself). So it's not that her DH is excluded from ALL events.

Obviously the SIL could not have avoided her own wedding. There may be other family events that are particularly important for her and the OP's DB.

Don't get me wrong, it's a shitty situation, but I think the family should focus on finding practical solutions. If the OP hosts something, then DB comes and not SIL. That's already happening. If the OP goes to her family, then she and her DB can work together to find a way that both SIL and DH can share family time without each having to be there all day.

It doesn't sound all that unworkable to me, if you really want to try.

OP, I think the issue is your parents' enabling of your SIL's demands and their consequent hurtful exclusion of you and your family. I would take it up with your parents in a firm and non negotiable manner.

Perhaps you could explain you are worried your son may start to resemble his father to the extent that he is no longer acceptable to SIL. If you explain that you just cannot bring your son to visit with that sword of damocles hanging over his acceptability at family gatherings they may sit up and realise how unreasonable this situation is.

Dreaming - I am well aware that my problems are nothing like the ones SIL has. The first time I met her is permanently ingrained in my memory due to her massive panic attack and I'm guessing that she will have a far worse and most likely painful memory of that day. But even if I knew the full extend of my SILs abuse I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing every little detail especially as I'm sure it would involve a lot of trust and confidence to get to that point.

We've adapted when and where we see the rest of my family to fit around when DB and SIL want to spend time with everyone to avoid any upset to SIL. This means that we tend to miss fairly important get togethers to keep everyone happy. Yes I am most likely the only one who has an issue with this and I'm thrilled that DH doesn't but I'm feeling fairly disconnected from my family and while DHs family are great I do miss my own.

This is crazy op how come everyone can't see that? She's never going to get over the fact that your DH and her Ex look similar if she never see's him, there must be loads of blokes around with similarities.
~Sorry but I'm gobsmacked this has been allowed to go on for so long, and your DH is a saint BTW, so are you! I wouldn't put up with it,I wouldn't.
Yes, she needs help, and she should do that regardless.

Just to be clear, I'm not asking you to share her details here -- just pointing out that without them, we're not necessarily getting a fair portrait of her.

I am probably being dense, but why would this on its own mean that you have to be disconnected from your family? Your DH is being very understanding and is willing to absent himself, but you can go to family events yourself surely? I know it's not ideal to go without him, but you can still go, right?