to be cross that dh spent 65 quid on sex toys

[ididnt]

We don't have that much money, especially not at this time of year. Our sex life is not brilliant, we have two kids, one of which is a year old and doesn't allow me much sleep. I'm still bf. I'm knackered and not that interested in sex, so I know dh is getin desperate. The last thing I want to do atm is engage in anything new, and the money spent has annoyed me. AIBU? Probably.

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He is trying!!

Does he help with the DC, the housework, the cooking?

If not, tell him that would be more of a turn on than sex toys!!

YANBU. One would hope that if he was going to bring home a job lot of dildos that he would at least consult you first. Springing them on you with no warning is tactless at best.

I agree with MammaTJ as to what actually works.

£65 will only buy one decent vibrator and a pack of batteries

What did he buy?!! It might not be for them both to use?

www.fleshlight.com/

Seriously, my dh is a bit like this. Suggests, stuff (not like the link I hasten to add!) quite tame really, but I am knackered by 3 small children and haven't had a full nights sleep in years!
I find it quite insensitive.
BUT, saying that, I suppose it must be pretty hard for them...scuse the pun!

YANBU

Housework and letting you have a lie-in would cost nothing and work better. I presume they're still unused - if they're in sealed boxes can he return them??

Nope, I would be pissed off too. I would suggest that more time was spent on making me feel good about the shitty day I had, taking over some responsibilities, complimenting me and giving me some time to myself.

At least he was trying, although he got it wrong. Not trying at all makes you feel even less like trying yourself.

At the risk of being shot down for generalising I think this is just men.....My DH has often spoke about me dressing up a bit or wearing something sexy to bed (as opposed to my leggings and oversized t-shirt) but 9 times out of 10 I cannot simply be arsed and am too tired. I still like sex though but can't be bothered having to get dressed up in something uncomfortable which makes me painfully aware of the 2 stone that I need to lose. He mentioned an offer on Groupon before Xmas for half price Agent Provocateur or something similar - I said I'd rather have a fleece onesie.....

I don't think you should dismiss this out of hand - it should be a starting point for you to tell him what would make you feel more like having sex (be it more help from him or something entirely different).

If a relationship is going to be good, then both of you need to be happy. It might take different things to achieve that, but he is telling you, by buying this, that he is not happy and wants change. Now he might have to change in order to make you and ultimately get an improved sex life, but you have to tell him what you need.

The thing with sex is that's it's very easy to get out of the habit of it and the less you do it, the less you 'need' to (for me anyway and maybe for you too). And when you have a bf baby, it's natural to not feel like it. But it's important for you too, to get back a feeling of your body being for your own pleasure as well as something that cares for a baby.

I think he's been tactless and needs it pointing out the physical toll that you are undergoing, but don't focus on the money. It isn't a waste if it sparks proper discussion between you.

• should say make you happy. Missed out a word.

karma does make a good point.
It's sometimes difficult to make the effort when you're so tired, but it's nearly always worth it. Emotionally as well as physically. Reconnecting, if you will.

Thanks for the replies. They have made me feel a bit better and less like I'm being a spoilsport! Dh does help a lot in the house and with the kids, I can't and don't complain on that front.

I don't know yet what he bought, just saw the payment on the bank statement and did a bit of googling. To be fair to him, he did warn me he'd got something, just not that he'd spent that much!

I would much prefer some compliments and time to myself, that would make me feel much more like getting down to it, but he hasn't complimented me in years! (Not surprising looking at the state of me ).

karma - definitely right, the less I do the less I need. I do still enjoy it when it happens, but a million things need to be right in order for sex to go ahead, so it is rare! But you are also right that he's not happy, I know that because he's said, but it is beyond me why he thinks this will make things better. A properly sleeping baby and a bit of spare time would do the trick though!

Thanks again. I'll use this as the start of a proper conversation about it I guess.

OP, first I think it is wrong for DH to spent that money, if you have financial concerns. Do talk with him about that for sure so he understands your concern.

Your situation with young kids is almost exactly the same as mine a few years ago. So I give you advice on what worked for me. If your DH is buying toys to try get some response from you, then you can be certain he is not getting enough :) Read through the forums on this site, you'll see that always ends in trouble/difficulty for a relationship. Sad, but true.

The good news is that if he is like most men then a little effort on your side will go a long way. I mostly avoided penetrative sex with bf (too dry). What worked quickest for me was talking/touching/rubbing/being close to DH, then take him upstairs for five mins away from kids (it's all it took!). 5 mins, 3 times a weeks and I had a very happy DH :) So it can be done, but you must make the effort.

Things will get much easier in a few years.

Thanks minty. I know he's not getting enough - the conversation comes up regularly, turns into an argument with neither of us really listening to each other and so the cycle continues.

What you describe, the quick 5 minute no penetrative sex thing, wouldn't work for dh. He wants 'proper' sex, with me having an orgasm as well as him, otherwise he doesn't feel it's 'fair'. I just don't have the energy or even the desire for sex most of the time. I'm not sure how to make an effort for something I really don't feel like doing. To me it feels like another chore I need to hack onto the end of a day that's already filled with constant demands on my time, self and body.

I hope it will get better in a few years, and that dh is that patient!

Bury your head in the sand and completely take the piss out of your DH for years?

Sounds like a plan OP.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Give it a try, you'll hopefully find it doesn't take much to get you going and it makes you feel better.

ididnt, your situation is a bit more difficult than mine. I really found penetrative sex almost impossible when breast feeding (even with lots of lube). Apart from being very tired, it was too painful.

DH was fine with that, and with all the oral he received ;) Bad news is that I'm in that unlucky 1% of women who has never had an orgasm (I've tried everything) ... so quickies worked out fine for those few months.

He's trying. Don't be cross with him. If he's focused on you having an orgasm, then that's probably why he's opted for toys, thinking they might satisfy you more. Be open minded, and calm about it.

I think if I was in your position I'd have felt misunderstood. It sounds like time for some improved communication maybe?

Almost I don't dislike it when we get going, but it's the idea of getting going that fills me with dread I am kind of intrigued as to what is actually in the box now, though. We've argued about it, made up and are now waiting an appropriate moment to reveal

Santa twenty I definitely feel misunderstood - he does completely satisfy me when we do have sex, that isn't the problem. It's more that I don't feel that great about myself, ama knackered and feel constantly in demand with no time/space to just be. No amount of sex toys are gonna cure that! Or are they?? And yes, improved communication is definitely a must, but how? We've never been that good at it, apart from slanging matches where neither of listen and nothing gets sorted!

Tell him what you need - say we will have sex on Saturday at (time kids are asleep) if:

I have had an uninterrupted night/lie in
i have had 30 mins in a quiet bath
I have read 2 chapters of a book
I have had a quiet walk on my own without dc's

etc - whatever works for you

YANBU for being cross for him spending money on things without discussion and research. If something is going to be good for both of you then it needs to fit both for both purpose...

Communication is really the heart of it. I have 4 kids, including a bfing 1 year old, and we're both tired, a lot, especially after they've all been ill lately. But we still discuss sex quite a bit (among other things though it does tend to be a favoured topic of mine ). Engage in the conversation and make a plan - make a plan for some recharge time and space to get ready for it or for the issue of needing both, discuss taking turns instead to allow fairness but less energy is spent.

We did this recently and the end result is us working towards re-explore each others bodies as they (especially mine) have changed over our years together. This led to some very interesting exciting nights and to me buying some new sex toys that we'd been talking about during these nights (always research toys, one of mine isn't working as well as I hoped, if I'd read more reviews I would have forseen the problems though most say it goes away with practice but other models are better so we'll play around with it until his birthday in March when I have an excuse to buy more. Every birthday man needs a good pegging ).

I know about the tiredness, but honestly, once you get back into it, you do feel better for it.

I had eight years of very little sleep (two years for each) and it was only number four that nearly broke me. DH was absolutely marvellous, never pressured me and after six months I was back to normal.

Enjoy your toys!

younger I like this idea but he hates non-spontaneous sex . You'd think beggars can't be choosers, but hey .

Aside from still being a bit peeved he spent the money without asking me, I am coming around to the idea. I know he needs more attention, so I will have to make more of an effort.

Thanks for all the replies, much appreciated.

Fucking hell, okay, good effort at twisting OP's words.