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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

starting new relationship 3 months after wife's death.

34 replies

skinnywhippet · 27/12/2012 14:43

Aibu to be completely fed up with my mother. At 53 she seems unable to have an adult relationship. Endless scores of boyfriends-always unsuccessful because she pretend to be something she isn't and idealises them. She's now onto her 5th boyfriend in 5 years. What really bothers me is that his wife of 12 years died in August and she got together with him less than 3 months later in in November. His ex dies suddenly in her sleep and I can't understand how my mum can just stay in the same bed and not be bothered by it. It just seems like it is heading for disaster and she doesn't seem bothered that he must still be grieving and can't poss be ready. I am sure he must be using her (not intentionally) but because he is struggling with being alone. I am at my wits end feeling like she acts like a teenager. So aibu to think it is wrong, or am I a bit too old fashioned?

OP posts:

Mollydoggerson · 27/12/2012 14:46

You can't control them. Don't waste your energy worrying about the rightness or wrongness, the relationship probably wont last.

StrawberryMojito · 27/12/2012 14:53

I don't think it's uncommon for people, particularly men, to rush into a new relationship following the death of a spouse.

Paul mcCartney got together with Heather Mills within a year of Linda's death...that turned out well...

Your mum is old enough and experienced enough to know the risks. I think you just have to let her get on with it and hope for the best.

FestiveElement · 27/12/2012 14:54

I wouldn't be impressed if someone close to me did this, but I'm not sure why you are stressing yourself out over this. She is your mother, not your teenage dd, you are not responsible for her. She is an adult who is free to make bad choices for her own life if she wants to. How does it impact on you and your live if she is sharing a bed with someone who's just lost his wife?

JenaiMathis · 27/12/2012 16:31

It's not uncommon for people to form new partnerships so soon after losing a life partner. They don't always go wrong, either. I'd not worry particularly about anyone who did tbh, unless they were moving someone in and there were children involved.

As for your mum, 5 relationships in as many years isn't exactly car crash territory. It'd be pretty standard for a single person, surely?

Montybojangles · 27/12/2012 16:39

I'm sorry, but this is none of your business. Your mother (and the boyfriends) are consenting adults.
I'm pretty sure if she was poking her sticky beak into your love life, telling you how inappropriate/unsuccessful they were you would be completely pissed off.
YABVVU

oldpeculiar · 27/12/2012 16:55

If it is bringing them both happiness , then who are you to interfere.You don't know anything about this man's relationship with his wife . perhaps it wasn't a bed of roses

Original poster

skinnywhippet · 27/12/2012 20:34

Genuinly a bit shocked by the responses- I suppose it is personal opinion, but I'd be hurt to think if I died that my husband would be jumping into bed with someone so soon! Thanks for the responses.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 27/12/2012 20:56

Women weep, men marry.

my father was in a new romance 4 month after my mother, his wife of 43 years died. I adore the woman who became my step mother.

Hopeandbluebells · 27/12/2012 21:06

As others have said, it's not uncommon for those who've lost their partner to rush into a new relationship. I think when it comes to whether it works or not it really depends on the people involved. But I think if you try an interfer you're only going to make matters worse, just let them work it out for now but be ready to pick up the pieces if necessary.

MolehillAlchemy · 27/12/2012 21:06

My DF moved his girlfriend in 3 months after his 2nd wife died. That didn't last.

A close friend moved his girlfriend in 3 months after his wife died, and they're still together 10 years later.

Sometimes it works. And who could begrudge anybody some respite from the pain of grief.

digerd · 27/12/2012 21:10

Many men don't wait long. 3 months is many the case. I do know one who had met a woman 3 years afterwards, who dumped him, but soon met another. He admitted to me that he couldn't stand the loneliness. And SisILs dad was widowed 25 years and didn't want another woman, but he was a rare type of man. I and my 3 neighbours have been widowed since late 40s early 50s age, and none of us wanted another man. Gloria Hunniford's SonIL met someoine 3 months after his wife died. Another I know did too.
Your mum is 53 and she feels time is running out for her, but she does not seem to want a long-term relationship, which surprises me.

TheNebulousBoojum · 27/12/2012 21:17

Are you an adult?
She doesn't like being alone, he doesn't like being alone and you think it's creepy?
She's old enough to make her own choices, regardless of your opinion.

'but she does not seem to want a long-term relationship, which surprises me.'

Doesn't surprise me, and I'm the same age digerd. At 53 I have my own life and my own home and if I was single without any dependent children, I'd be looking for fun and laughter and good sex, rather than anything heavy and long-term.

Viviennemary · 27/12/2012 21:19

I absolutely agree that it isn't that unknown for a man to rush into a new relationship after his wife's death. Even if he had been happily married. But it does cause a lot of upset for the family.

ProphetOfDoom · 27/12/2012 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porridgewithalmondmilk · 27/12/2012 21:38

Strawberry is right - my Mum died on May 1st and my dad had MOVED IN with another woman three months later!

McChristmasPants2012 · 27/12/2012 22:06

Was they married or seperated before she died as your op said ex wife.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 27/12/2012 22:12

Well, sometimes a widow/widower wasn't happy in the marriage and is glad to be rid of the partner. Anyway, it's none of your business. If your mother is constantly wailing at you about her romantic disasters, it would be reasonable to want to back off a little, but otherwise, get on with your own life and let her get on with hers.

Original poster

skinnywhippet · 27/12/2012 22:35

Problem is she is always going on about her relationships......well how fantastic they are to start with, then when they start to go sour she finds it impossible to end them and is miserable. Her last boyfriend financially used her, other have been abusive. I only worry, because she is very desperate, and I feel a bit of time considering past situations and some time alone to work out who she is and what she wants would help her. She has never had a successful relationship. The wife of the man she is seeing now dies suddenly in her sleep. They had lived together for 12 years. Yes, there are children involved. I am only in my early twenties and have had to put up with the fact that when I was growing up she was never there and always out with her latest boyfriend. Of course,now I have moved out it is none of my business, but she does and has always had an immature attitude to relationships hence why they haven't lasted. It is disappointing because she could make someone a lovely partner if she didn't pretend to be someone she isn't to please whoever she is going out with.

OP posts:

Original poster

skinnywhippet · 27/12/2012 22:37

When I said "ex" in original post I meant ex because she has died. Sorry to confuse.

OP posts:

fortyplus · 27/12/2012 22:43

I'm 51 and recently separated from my dh - we've been together 27 years. The last thing I'll be looking for is a long term relationship!

Northernlebkuchen · 27/12/2012 22:46

I think you need to seperate your mother's behaviour in relationships from the man she is currently with. As others have said men often do move on quickly and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. I know at least one very happy marriage which started only a few months after the man was widowed. He made a conscious decision after a few months that he did not want to be alone.

McChristmasPants2012 · 27/12/2012 22:46

I would hate to think of my husband lonley if I died.

The only thing is to hope and prey that she has found what she is looking for

nannyl · 27/12/2012 22:59

Nothing to do with you.
Unless you have experianced your spouse dieing you are in no position to judge.... And even if you have, people respond and try to move on differently in the best way to suit Them.
If they want life to go on, who are you to stop it?

expatinscotland · 27/12/2012 23:04

Men do this. And your mother sounds like someone who's just as weak and can't be without a warm body in the sack.

BikeRunSki · 27/12/2012 23:07

Men are emotionally different to women. My dad had a colleague who married his mistress a week after his wife died. He argued that everyone knew about her (they had 2 DC), so he might as well marry her now he could. Cold logic to men.

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