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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think adults who can't drive are a nuisance

815 replies

Atthewelles · 27/12/2012 14:07

Barring situations where an illness or financial circumstances proscribe it aibu to think adults who can't drive are a PITA. People have to constantly go out of their way to collect/drop them off places; arrange plans around the times that suit the non-driver who can't travel solo but has to tag along with you; always be the designated driver who can't have a drink while the non driver happily slurps a third glass of wine etc etc etc

Yes, I have been spending too much time with a non driving sibling over the family Christmas but AIBU to think that a perfectly functioning adult (who is extremely technically minded) in full time paid employment, should bloody well learn to drive.

OP posts:

Salmotrutta · 27/12/2012 15:26

That was to Festive - slow typing and fast moving thread!

SantasHoHoHo · 27/12/2012 15:27

Few of us really need a car but many of us want one. I could cope without it during the week as I can get good public transport to work. At the weekends it's nice to have a car to get to the more awkward places. I have a friend who also doesn't need a car but chooses not to have one because I can ferry her to the awkward places.

Original poster

Atthewelles · 27/12/2012 15:27

I did say in my OP that I'd been spending too much time with my non driving sibling (who is great in every other way).

Okay, maybe a bit of a generalisation but there are a lot of non drivers who just seem to assume that there will always be someone around to give them a lift and there are a lot of drivers who just feel mean if they don't offer someone a lift in the lashing rain or late at night or when they've a lot of shopping to carry etc.
Also, a lot of elderly people see cabs as a huge extravagance and wouldn't dream of allowing one to be called to bring them to a hospital appointment or into town to do a lot of shopping insisting that "I'll just get the bus. It won't be any trouble". To pre-empt that, the driver has to offer to bring them.

OP posts:

whistlestopcafe · 27/12/2012 15:27

A car not a cat!

Lueji · 27/12/2012 15:28

Carrying with you the number of a local cab company might be a good way of being nice without having to offer a lift.

The other day, I told a very good friend of mine that I could not give her a lift because I was in a rush to get somewhere. She could take a bus just outside where we were and wouldn't have to wait. We're still good friends, and I did give her a lift when it was pouring and I had time to do it.
It's all about boundaries.

WorraLorraTurkey · 27/12/2012 15:28

Well I have to say this is the first thread I've ever read where people are wishing there were more cars on the road.

Only on MN....

Then ask those who don't let their kids play out in the street and 9 times out of 10 they'll say, "It's because there's far more traffic than there was when I was a child"...

Salmotrutta · 27/12/2012 15:29

Yes, not many cats cost you £20 each way!

usualsuspect3 · 27/12/2012 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allergictoironing · 27/12/2012 15:30

Annie you KNOW this particular woman - you would never have had her in the car in the first place!

Lueji I would also pick her up to go out for the day quite often (though she WAS good at offering petrol money), plus she had 2 other friends who she would go out with (in their cars) on a regular basis. Yes she had shops reasonably close, she was fit & healthy, and lived right by the bus stop. She dismissed my remarks about a farming family I know who had 3 busses each way per WEEK, bus stop about 3 miles from home, nearest shops of any kind by that same bus stop and a disabled family member.

WorraLorraTurkey · 27/12/2012 15:31

Also, a lot of elderly people see cabs as a huge extravagance and wouldn't dream of allowing one to be called to bring them to a hospital appointment or into town to do a lot of shopping insisting that "I'll just get the bus. It won't be any trouble". To pre-empt that, the driver has to offer to bring them.

But why does the driver have to 'pre-emt' that and offer to bring them?

Unless they're so arrogant they think elderly people don't know their own minds?

qo · 27/12/2012 15:31

I've failed my practical driving test no fewer than 5 times - I literally could not afford to keep going after that. I'm 40 and hate being a non-driver with a passion. When I do a late shift at work, I have to wait an hour and a half for the next bus home, as if doing a late finish isnt bad enough!!

I would rather struggle and put myself out than ask for a lift, I hate inconveniencing anyone for any reason (not just lifts)

LineRunner · 27/12/2012 15:32

Older people have a free bus pass, to give them independence.

insancerre · 27/12/2012 15:33

or are too senile to get on the right bus and get off at the right bus stop

Original poster

Atthewelles · 27/12/2012 15:34

Because Worra a lot of the time they're saying it to 'not be a nuisance'. I would hate to make an elderly relative of mine feel that so would always offer a lift (especially to a hospital appointment) rather than let them set off on a bus. But sometimes I wish my sibling could do it - for instance if it's a day when it's awkward to take time off work.

OP posts:

insancerre · 27/12/2012 15:35

But what is wrong with getting a bus to the hospital?

usualsuspect3 · 27/12/2012 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLorraTurkey · 27/12/2012 15:37

Then that's up to them isn't it?

They don't want to be a nuisance, they don't want to fork out for a taxi, they're perfectly capable of getting a bus.

Butt out like your brother has and stop with the ridiculous idea that everyone should buy a car just in case someone decides to get the bus to hospital.

Honestly, your brother must think you're being totally ridiculous.

Roseformeplease · 27/12/2012 15:37

Am enjoying the number of people telling everyone that non-drivers can get cabs or the bus or walk. This is the metro-centric part of Mumsnet at work. Where I live, there is one taxi driver who is available as and when she wants to be. There is no one else when she is off and she will only drive between three local villages. There are two trains a day in each direction, one a day on Sundays. There is a morning and evening school bus and one other bus to the next town, each way.

The only other alternative, for the non-driver, is to cadge lifts. These are freely offered, and accepted as, in a small community, you will be repaid in other ways: jam, some fish or a helping hand with something.

I live 3 miles from a shop of any description. My children are 3 miles from school. Our nearest supermarket is 45 miles away and does not do home delivery.

But, I think the issue here is not lifts, or car ownership but the assumption (by soem people) that a car owner is really a taxi driver in disguise. The problem is in the relationship between driver and passenger. I too had to stay sober on Christmas Day to pick up and return a non-driving guest. But I offered, and wanted to. yANBU in your situation to say no but YABU to generalise about all non-drivers.

Those of you in cities ABU as well as you seem to forget that we don't all live there!

Salmotrutta · 27/12/2012 15:38

Well, in this LA elderly or non-driving patients can get hospital transport minibuses that pick them up and bring them home.

Admittedly the journey times are variable but the service is there to be used.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/12/2012 15:38

You're quite right, Allergic. If she were ever in my car it would be in the boot after I'd strangled her for some equally annoying comment.

You should have taken a video camera with you on that holiday, it would have been an instant YouTube classic.

usualsuspect3 · 27/12/2012 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Atthewelles · 27/12/2012 15:38

Nothing in a lot of cases insancerre but I'm talking about situations where someone is very elderly, will be sitting around a waiting room for ages, will be a bit nervous or whatever and you just feel it would be much nicer if someone collected them than left them to walk down to the bus stop and possibly wait for ages. I dont mean elderly people should never get on a bus, just that there are times when it seems awful not to offer a lift, particularly if they're quite frail or not very well.

OP posts:

Allergictoironing · 27/12/2012 15:38

insancerre there's no problem IF you are fit & healthy or there's a single bus you can get viryually door to door and be guaranteed a seat. As someone with an intermittant disability, I would be wrecked for a couple of days if I had to stand on a bus for ages, or walk long distances from bus stops, and I'm not what you would class as elderly either.

Lueji · 27/12/2012 15:38

Tell your sibling you can't, because of work.
If he complains that he doesn't have a car, then tell him that's what cabs are for.

He CAN do it. He just won't.

I have a friend who doesn't drive, although she has a license (oh, well), and she takes either buses or cabs to hospital for her dad when her H can't.

flow4 · 27/12/2012 15:40

I only passed my driving test last year, at the grand old age of forty-something... I raised two kids without a car, commuted, shopped, went to hospital appointments, etc...

At first, it was just an 'accident' that I couldn't drive: I started learning in my teens, but then my mum died and my dad had a nervous breakdown, and life got a bit messy for a while... Then I was a student and couldn't afford it... Then it suited my politics and beliefs about protecting the environment... Then I was a single parent and totally broke...

Finally, I had the spare money and the motivation to learn, basically because it became clear that my elderly father was going to need lifts and help. It still took me over a year to pass my test, which I finally did 2.5 months before he died.

I have very mixed feelings about being a driver now: on the one hand, it gives me much more flexibility and independence: I can go where I want, more-or-less when I want. :) Commuting is much less stressful, because a 5 minute delay means I'm 5 minutes late - not an hour late because I missed a train . And it's satisfying to be able to give lifts to other people who are carless, as I was in until last year. :)

On the other hand, running a car is so expensive that we haven't been able to afford a holiday abroad for the past 3 years - my income allows us one or the other, not both. And my fitness levels have definitely got worse, and driving has made me lazier. :(

I might stop running a car again in a year or two... If I lose my job in the next round of public sector cuts, it will be inevitable. It won't be too much of a loss... Maybe I'll just take up driving again when I'm ready for my mid-life crisis round-the-world road trip?!

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