Drama loving SIL and her awful parenting

[FobblyWoof]

Uh, sorry this is way more of a rant than an AIBU but I just have to get it out.

Went to MIL for Christmas lunch yesterday. Got there at half two (they don't eat til gone three) and it was clear that SIL had been drinking. She's not a big drinker so whatever she has goes to her head but she'd definitely had too much. Her DC are 4 and 2.

It's christmas, so i understand wanting a drink but It transpired after lunch that her DP had also been drinking but hadn't had as much as SIL. The kids generally run rampant anyway. When they're calm they're lovely to be around but more often than not that's not the case. By 4pm they were both shattered. They'd been up since 3.30 that morning and it had clearly been a long day.

SIL went for a lie down upstairs (after spending ages ignoring the kids while she used her ipad. This is not a new thing) and when she came down her DP said he was taking the kids home. They live literally around the corner and the kids were both in tears and had got to the point where they couldn't be reasoned with. SIL then has a go at her DP, the gist being that she's having a good time and there's no way they're leaving. This included him and the kids.

He's a complete wet lettuce and just sat there sulking in the corner. Meanwhile both children keep falling over through exhaustion. The two year old asked MIL for a drink and spilt it everywhere because she couldn't even hold it. All the while SIL is sat on her useless arse ignoring them. they continue the scream, and no one is saying anything.

My DP (SIL's brother) had been in the kitchen so I told him what was happening. He calls SIL over (because he can usually get through to her), and says that her kids are clearly unhappy, let her DP take them home and we will take her back later so she can have a good time.

My DP then goes through to speak to her DP (politiely telling him to man up because his kids are more important) and SIL storms upstairs accusing my DP of calling her a bad mum etc. She is, but he didn't say that, nor did he imply it. MIL then runs up to talk to her.

Ten minutes later she's downstairs ready to go. My DP goes to apologise to her (because everyone in the family has been taught to pander to her) and she lays into him saying how much of a good mother she is even when drunk (she's not) and how even though we have DD now (who is less than a year) he doesn't know better etc.

Just to note, before we had DD she knew better than us because she was a parent, despite that fact she's much younger, has no life experience and is uneducated and now that we have DD we still don't know better than her.

So then we have to reassure her that's not the case and no one was criticising her because no one wants to see her lose it. She then left and I went mad. I was so unbelievably pissed off that not only had she been a shit parent, she creates drama and we all have to feed into it (because MIL has never EVER called her up on it) but she brought (albeit inadvertently) my PFB into it. Please also note that my 10mo is better behaved than her four year old.

Then we had to act normal with her today! I suppose I have to have an AIBU, so AIBU to still be shaking with rage every time I think of her and her stupid face?

That feels so much better

You need to loosen up a bit, IMO.

You and DH are 'guilty' of using your ipads on occasion, but make sure one of you is watching DD when it happens.

I'm on MN while my DC play happily together. I do other things while I look after them - it's allowed! I think it's good for children to be (safely) left to their own devices and learn that sometimes their parents are busy doing something else. Even if that something else is - gasp - enjoying themselves.

I agree itsmine. I'm of the opinion that my child is happy when I'm happy and that as a parent it's not my job to tend to my child's every want and desire. My mumsnetting this morning has been while dd plays with toys.

But you said it yourself- your children are happily playing. My DN's weren't. They'd been screaming for well over an hour by the time anything was said, despite the rest of us trying to distract them, giving them cuddles etc. they needed their beds and their father was more than happy to take them home but SIL selfishly wouldn't let him.

I've accepted I've been unreasonable in some of things I've written while angry but I still stand by the fact that SIL let her kids down. But I'm not suggesting for second that parents cant have fun or a life of their own. I'd be the worst parent in the world if that were true

You had right up until that shit about you being better parents because you and you DH are better educated.

What a shit attitude to have. Maybe she got pissed because it was the only way she get through the day knowing you would be looking down your nose at her. Because it sounds like you do.

"Let her kids down"
Oh FFS OP unclench.

Fobbly...
Your SIL didn't do much wrong (most of us agree)...
You got uptight and 'raging', none-the-less...
The history and back-story are why she gets to you, not the specific details of this incident. Don't kid yourself. You will continue to be irked and enraged by perfectly normal (if mildly irritating) situations, until you recognise that this isn't about her parenting, it's about your dislike of her...
Avoid her, or make an effort to find things about her you do like, and focus on these.

And by the way, if the kids' dad knew the kids were beside themselves, and he was willing and able to take them home, he should have just got on and done it! If he didn't, how can that be SIL's fault?!

flow nail. On. Head. I don't like her, but then I've not been making out on here that I do. And I'm more than sure she doesn't like me either, for her own reasons. We are two very, very different people. But I am nice to her when I see her and that's partly down to me having a good old bloody rant and going OTT about it so that I get it out. Usually I'd just speak to my mum about it, she'd roll her eyes and go "yes dear" and we'd forget about but I haven't seen her, hence using MN. There are issues that go deeper but I don't want to make myself completely identifiable, but nor do I want to drop feed either.

Her DP is the biggest wet lettuce of all time and I do think he needs to stand up and be counted but in all honestly we could fill a 1000 post thread about that in particular! And I'm not blaming SIL for that.

I'm not defending my actions but I would say I don't think I explained myself clearly in my OP (well, I know I didn't!). There was no argument in front of the children. I didn't have a go at SIL- the only thing I said to her was to reassure her we weren't trying to insult her. DP was trying to be nice by offering her a lift home later. There was no row. I wouldn't do that, certainly not on Christmas. We wanted to offer SIL a way of still having fun while her kids got the sleep she knew they needed. I stupidly thought that might be a nice thing to do! Didn't realise it would backfire in the way it did otherwise I wouldn't have bothered.

Well, the trouble with disliking someone intensely but 'pretending to be nice' is that you rarely fool anyone, least of all the person concerned. You may have acted with perfect propriety, but your SIL will know you dislike her, and when she 'stormed upstairs' saying you and your DP were 'accusing her of being a bad mum', that happened because she isn't stupid and she was right! That is exactly what you thought of her, isn't it? And she realised it, and it upset her and made her cross. Which is hardly surprising.

Like I said, avoid her, or make an effort to find things about her you do like, and focus on these.

Just out of curiosity, what time was all this occuring? You say by 4pm they were shattered, what time did she leave?

They left at six in the end ontop and having been up for that long I could understand them all being absolutely shattered. We ended up leaving at half six as the day was just too much for DD in the end.

Thanks for the advice flow. It's definitely something I need to work on that has, surprisingly, in the last year been a bit easier because we have seen her less. But then I think that makes me flare up more when she does annoy me.

How does your DP feel about you hating his sister so much?

Well at least you're being honest OP. In honesty I must admit I know where you are coming from in terms of not liking your DH's sibling. I don't like my DP's brother either because he is a thoroughly unpleasant person we are very different people. My DP can see why I feel that way and is often in agreement,I imagine your DH is the same with you?

I would try to rein in the judgmental attitude about her not being educated,worldly,a good mum etc though because she will know you feel that way.

Oh everlong where do I start?!

I am definitely a judgmental person (if you hadn't guessed ) which I work on, sometimes, and I rein it in when I'm in front of the person in question but everyone knows I'm not impressed. So definitely she'd want me to be honest with her about things. But I'm one of those people who finds it really bloody awkward to do that, so instead I just find it much easier to bitch afterwards. It's not that I mean to be two-faced, though that's often the result. I'd just rather get over things in my own time than make a big deal out of them. Which backfires. Frequently.

But I'd hope that she would also think about all the times I was there for her as a teenager when her mum wasn't. Not that I was a saint or anything, just gave her a much needed hug on occasion. Just like when she's reassured me when DP has been a complete twunt.

On a completely separate note Everlong, do you by any chance write on the Internet? I've seen an everlong before and wonder if it's you?

propiis that's it. A much better way of explaining how I was feeling. You know, before I had DD I was semi-eloquent person. Someone could have warned me it would never come back!

And fuck, I am not worldy (that screams sofisticated to me)m or the worlds most fantastic mother or house cleaner, but that's a different story. I can't really explain what I meant by life experience without going into a lot of detail which will 1) identify me and 2) give away an awful lot about SIL that, shock horror, is none of my business

Could you not have helped out a bit OP and maybe played with or distracted the kids. My DC2 age 2 (just) has done nothing but scream "No" and "go away" for the past two days due to sheer tiredness and Christmas overload, cut her a bit of slack, two preschoolers are hard work, ten month olds are a breeze!

Do you feel better for ranting though Op? Because my god I wish I had been on Mn when I last saw DP's brother! It will only get worse once there are children involved as well because he's competitive,self obsessed arsehole got a different outlook to DP and I on almost everything.

I was on the wine at 3pm, kids not dressed, everyone eating chocolate and not much else.

I am, personally, disgusted and horrified. All good mothers are on the sauce at 10am .......

Oh yes propiis I'm not annoyed with SIL anymore and I know I would still if not for pouring it out!

What did it for me was when you went into the kitchen to have a word with your DP about it, carry tales about something that really was none of your business. Whether you agreed with her parenting technique or not the children were in no danger and they had other adults around to help look after them - not your children, not your business and I really do think your assessment of the situation was severely clouded by your dislike of your SIL.

PS; I have two under five (aged 3yo and 16mo) and I spend some time each day benignly ignoring the children for the sake of my own sanity!

At least you know it's you, not her.
Some people keep their judgy-pants a verrrrry long time... But it sounds like you're pretty self-aware, Fobbly, so I predict in a couple of years time, you'll look back on this Christmas and think "Oh god, I knew nothing! Poor SIL!"

Yet another festive season post from someone who doesn't like one of their DP or DH's relatives. Yawn.

Tell you what, I'll come back in a few years when pfb is a darling angel and we're at the beginning of creating a family a la Vonn Trapp and I'll let you know

Now, I must get back to said pfb, her organic food and hand crafted wooden toys await .

My DB used to criticise my now-3yo all the time when he was 2yo. His stock phrases were "control your child" and "shall I parent for you?". He loved to point out DS's irrational behaviour because as we all know, 2yo children are renowned for their rationality therefore there was something inherently wrong with 2yo DS when he would kick off over such things as the wrong colour socks or the sun being too sunny. He pulled me up about having no discipline and no punishments, time out (our chosen method) is not a punishment by the way "it's just an excuse to faff about in the hallway". He called DS wild and naughty. One day DS played a little too roughly with DB's son. DB, that shining example of a big man, shouted at my DS so loudly and so badly that DS vomited all over himself at the same time as wetting himself in fear.

Let's just pause a second because that still makes me quake with rage.

Word were had. Some threats were made towards DB. It stormed on for quite a number of weeks. I remember prophesying to DB: "your turn will come, just wait". Yes, DS had played roughly but DS was 2-almost-3 and could be trusted in the front room by himself for five minutes while I got a drink for him. DN was 1yo and DB left him alone with my 2-almost-3yo after I had already left the room. There was blame on both sides, but DB completely overreacted.

Your turn will come ...

And it has. DN is almost 2yo and epitomises the phrase "terrible twos". In fact he's taken the phrase and made it his own. He tantrums if he doesn't get his own way. He can't be taken into shops or he will glom onto an item and tantrum when it doesn't get bought for him. He hates sitting in his pushchair but runs off if you let him out. He hits other children, not now and then but constantly. On Christmas Day afternoon whenever my 1yo DD was on the floor he'd do a running shove and push her over - DD is small for her age, he's big for his, she actually has a handshaped bruise on her chest from one of his running shoves.

He and SIL are doing the best they can with a difficult situation. Do I judge them for the behaviour of their child? No. They're trying their best and I know from my own experiences that it can be a difficult age, it'll pass (hopefully) and it's stressful enough with people (especially family) being judgemental about it. Do I have a little chuckle to myself that DB finally understands that 99% of sweet children go through a hellcat phase? I'd be lying if I said no ... :o

So that's my cautionary tale. Hoik your judgey-pants out of your bum before they get wedged so far in there that you can taste knicker elastic and heed the warning that one day it might be you. Live and let live.

Bear frills - that's awful.

I would like to point out though that I wasnt judging the DC's behaviour. Not at all. My DN has had fights at school, spits on other children but I have not judged him, or SIL for that. It does happen. I know damn bloody well that my DD is going to be a shit. She was the easiest newborn of all time and I've known from the first night in hospital where she woke up all calm a few minutes after I'd woken up that I will be in for it one day. And if my DP is anything to go by it will hit at about 5 and last until she's at least 10.

My problem was not with their behaviour, nor would I ever be as rude as your DB. But I'm sure during your DC's tantrums or when they were playing up you did something about it. Even if it was ignoring them in the supermarket, taking them home, telling them off- whatever the situation needed. But to do nothing? When they're not even tantrumming they're just absolutely shattered?

I know I'm going to get looks in the supermarket or on the bus, and snide remarks when DD is being a shit- but at least, like you and most other parents- I will be doing something. It was her apparent lack of caring that irked me even though I know she loves her kids dearly.

And if you read one of my previous posts you will see I'm in the process of yanking my judgey pants out (it'sslow going)