Drama loving SIL and her awful parenting

[FobblyWoof]

Uh, sorry this is way more of a rant than an AIBU but I just have to get it out.

Went to MIL for Christmas lunch yesterday. Got there at half two (they don't eat til gone three) and it was clear that SIL had been drinking. She's not a big drinker so whatever she has goes to her head but she'd definitely had too much. Her DC are 4 and 2.

It's christmas, so i understand wanting a drink but It transpired after lunch that her DP had also been drinking but hadn't had as much as SIL. The kids generally run rampant anyway. When they're calm they're lovely to be around but more often than not that's not the case. By 4pm they were both shattered. They'd been up since 3.30 that morning and it had clearly been a long day.

SIL went for a lie down upstairs (after spending ages ignoring the kids while she used her ipad. This is not a new thing) and when she came down her DP said he was taking the kids home. They live literally around the corner and the kids were both in tears and had got to the point where they couldn't be reasoned with. SIL then has a go at her DP, the gist being that she's having a good time and there's no way they're leaving. This included him and the kids.

He's a complete wet lettuce and just sat there sulking in the corner. Meanwhile both children keep falling over through exhaustion. The two year old asked MIL for a drink and spilt it everywhere because she couldn't even hold it. All the while SIL is sat on her useless arse ignoring them. they continue the scream, and no one is saying anything.

My DP (SIL's brother) had been in the kitchen so I told him what was happening. He calls SIL over (because he can usually get through to her), and says that her kids are clearly unhappy, let her DP take them home and we will take her back later so she can have a good time.

My DP then goes through to speak to her DP (politiely telling him to man up because his kids are more important) and SIL storms upstairs accusing my DP of calling her a bad mum etc. She is, but he didn't say that, nor did he imply it. MIL then runs up to talk to her.

Ten minutes later she's downstairs ready to go. My DP goes to apologise to her (because everyone in the family has been taught to pander to her) and she lays into him saying how much of a good mother she is even when drunk (she's not) and how even though we have DD now (who is less than a year) he doesn't know better etc.

Just to note, before we had DD she knew better than us because she was a parent, despite that fact she's much younger, has no life experience and is uneducated and now that we have DD we still don't know better than her.

So then we have to reassure her that's not the case and no one was criticising her because no one wants to see her lose it. She then left and I went mad. I was so unbelievably pissed off that not only had she been a shit parent, she creates drama and we all have to feed into it (because MIL has never EVER called her up on it) but she brought (albeit inadvertently) my PFB into it. Please also note that my 10mo is better behaved than her four year old.

Then we had to act normal with her today! I suppose I have to have an AIBU, so AIBU to still be shaking with rage every time I think of her and her stupid face?

That feels so much better

Wow, I came across completely wrong on my OP, so I apologise.

I absolutely get that my DN's were totally overexcited on Christmas day. My other DN's were also extremely excited. That's not a problem. It's a fact of Christmas. And children misbehave even when they haven't been up for 12 hours on a really stimulating day. My problem lies with the way SIL was parenting them. Or more the fact that she wasn't. At all. I felt really sorry for them. Everyone is entitled to a drink on Christmas but I'd think with two young children you'd make sure at least one of you was sober. Or, at the very least, capable of looking after a child. I thought it was selfish that her children were suffering.

I also didn't mean what I said about my 10mo- getting carried away in the rant a bit there but when my DD got tired at MIL's and started crying we took her home. Despite the fact we were having a lovely time (SIL had left by this point), because that's what parents are supposed to do.

And yes, I Aibu to be so judgey with SIL. It's just so easy when you've spent years putting up with her (self confessed) drama. Like the fact that she got pregnant young for the attention. (not judging young parents, most do a fantastic job, but she openly admitted that's why she did it). And the fact that all of DP's family pander to her strops because no one even disciplined her as child.

But now it's all off my chest, I'll yank my judgey pants out of my arse .

Sorry, I don't think that comes across as much better. Is she attractive and slim? You sound a bit jealous of her.

so AIBU to still be shaking with rage every time I think of her and her stupid face
She then left and I went mad.

It does sound like there's more to your dislike of her. You sound like you genuinely despise the girl.

Wow, I came across completely wrong on my OP, so I apologise.

No I think you came across quite accurately. Your second post backs that up.

fivegold

I'm back! Had a rather teethy and poorly baby last night, who woke about five minutes after my OP and stayed awake for about four hours. Joy!

We all need time to do our own thing. Me and DP are guilty if using our iPads on occasion but we know that the other one is watching DD, or we've asked if someone else will watch DD. but SIL was actually completely ignoring her two, even when they came over to her. And it was just sad

Yeah I knew I'd x post with you :o
Hope your dd is better

I was a bit smug when I had a 10 month old too, because she was a dream. Now she is two, and a nightmare despite my best efforts. I will never criticise another parent again. Perhaps when you have two the same age you may feel the need to blow off some steam on Xmas day too? I fail to see what she did wrong personally, and I don't blame her for being offended at your interference tbh.

christmas

Slim, but not attractive IMO, but then that's how I'd describe myself.

I wouldnt say jealous, but yeah, I am resentful, which is being totally unreasonable but like a petulant child I can't help it. It's been very hard to watch over the years (I've known SIL since she was 13) be treated as if she can do no wrong at the detriment of her brothers. And of course because one of her brothers is my DP I do find it hard. It's something that I can usually repress but when she acts like she does on Christmas it's hard.

Which I guess also makes me unreasonable when she does do something to piss me off!

And I also think it's interesting how you are not judging her dp as harshly. Is he not their parent too? I am currently in bed nursing a hangover whilst my dp and my mum entertain dd. What do you think of me then!? Although I should note that dp was equally as hungover after his work's do and so I saw to dd while he rested. Is that more ok though because he is a man?

I'm afraid you have to learn to chill out a bit. You might not agree with SIL's parenting style (or, in fact, her) but none of it is your business.

Going on about it just makes you look like a sanctimonious cow. you'll have to come to terms it.

Ah, managed to read most of the threads I didn't get to do earlier.

I was in no way suggesting that her lack of education has a bearing on her parenting. I should not have a glass of before I post! Thats exactly what I was not wanting to say. No, before we had DD she knew better than us on absolutely everything, not just parenting, solely because she was a parent and we weren't. This is including things like DP's job even though she no experience in that field whatsoever. I only added the lack of life experience thing because I get that having a few qualifications on a piece of paper means jack in comparison to life experience.

And I know toddlers tantrum. Trust me, I'm already dreading it and a big reason why I didn't have a child for so long was the fear of this stage. I'm not judging my DN's here. They're kids. Nor am I holding SIL accountable to the fact that they tantrum. They'd have to be robot children to not. Nor am i judging SIL's parenting when theyre midtantrum. It's their general behaviour the rest of time, but again, I wasn't exactly clear on that.

And we did pitch in and help. Overall, we spent more time with her kids than we did with our child on her first Christmas. Instead of enjoying our time with our DD we just had to watch her and DN's and yeah, I'm really annoyed about it. I accept throughgh majority consensus that I was most definitely being unreasonable (though I challenge you all to spend an afternoon with her) and I may have did get carried away in my ranting. It just feels so bloody good when I can't talk to anyone else about it and it festers.

And I wholeheartedly expect her to judge my parenting. I know she already is. But I sincerely hope that she's judging my tactics rather than my complete lack of parenting.

Ok.

First off, family christmas = time not spent with your own kid. PITA. But life.

This is what I think you should do.

Step away from this thread now.

Save it to your computer.

Re-read again in about three years, especially if you had had another kid.

And re "Trust me, I'm already dreading it and a big reason why I didn't have a child for so long was the fear of this stage.". I have to be honest, this doesn't suggest you are the most relaxed and fun loving person around kids. My best advice to you would be relax into it, go with the flow and try to laugh it off. Parenting a toddler is a different world to parenting a baby. When my kids were babies, wow, I thought I was the world's most awesome parent. Turns out I was very badly wrong.

You don't like your SIL, that's fair enough and there's nothing wrong with a bit of a moan but I don't think you came across as you intended in you posts. I completely agree with yggrasil, when mine were 10 months ish I remember thinking how lucky I was to have such a contended baby and how some of my friends just didn't seem to be able to cope with their toddlers. In fact I was a right smug twat. Fast toward a few years and I had a 4 year old and and a two year old and I could look bag at my smugness and sob. Sometimes you have to give in to the chaos, grit your teeth and hope for the best. Regarding your SIL, if you really don't like her or her way of parenting then you need to distance yourself from her as much as possible.

I have a 7month old angel who sit happily on people's laps, plays quietly and sleeps well.
I also have a 5 year old who is the devil in disguise! He has been loud, screaming, yelling, and jumping around like a spring is attached to his bum. Even now he is on the naughty step he is excited and lively. And the last few days have been too much for him.
You can't compare the two. They are parented in the same way but the baby is good because she is a baby

There was another parent there. Why don't you rant about him instead of laying it all on her. You are still coming across as sly and sanctimonious. Why don't you rant at your in-laws and tell them your issues with the parenting of their children.

Just please tell me I'm not turning into the water gun poster

I have my problems with the way SIL's DP handled the situation too, and I definitely have issues with PIL way of parenting their precious daughter- but I really didn't want to be there all day ranting! And her DP did try and take them home, but was overruled by SIL who all but reminded her DP that the four year old is not his. This was because she was drunk as she would never normally say that to him and was something I actually wasn't judging her for and didn't see the point in including it in OP. I don't think fathers have less responsibility than mothers at all. I'm pretty sure my DP would snort at that!

Fobbley, after a dodgy few comments in your initial posts, I think you come across as very reasonable.

Your SIL doesn't see any harm in drinking to excess with her children present. You are never going to change that, particularly if her family have pandered to her all her life. So try not to waste your energy seething with rage. Ignore. Some as that, ignore. If the kids are playing up because they are so tired, that is tragic, hard on them and hard on everything else, but suck it up.
Good luck

I read you post feeling a bit guilty as I spent post Christmas dinner mumsnetting and trying to enjoy more champagne while my 2yo went nuts and his gps played with him. I thought sod it I don't have parental help at home, they like a chance to play with him. He was being a pain. Perhaps I am a bad parent?!

Then I saw you congratulating yourself for having a 'well behaved' 10mo and I realised you don't have a clue.

Nope sorry,it seems like you're back peddling. She got pissed on Xmas day. Big wow.

I don't really expect anything to be honest. I just needed to get it off my chest, which has made it a lot better because I can move on so that the next time I see SIL I'm not a bitch. even though no one is allowed to call her up on anything anyway

And in an odd way it's really helped because I like people being honest with me and that just doesn't happen face to face. So maybe I do have to go away and assess whether I'm up myself (a little bit) and a sanctimonious cow (not so much but can see where the poster was coming from).

I didn't expect anyone to reply in the first place. I thought everyone would see that I'd got up on my high horse for a good old purge of frustration and I'd sort myself out after a bit (which I kind of did!). Never thought I'd come bak in the morning to over a hundred messages

Okay, you don't like your sil at all. That much is obvious. You don't have to like her.

You had a rant about her on here even though she didn't actually do much wrong.

Personally, I'd step away from your in laws a bit. Spend less time with sil especially and don't get at all involved if you can help it.

And if you are around when things appear to be going belly up, be a positive presence by helping with the children or having a friendly chat with sil.

If you're not as involved, then perhaps you'll get less irritated by her because she's just not part of your every day concerns.

Why is it supposedly so bad to call somebody a bad mother?

It certainly sounds like it's true!

So the gist of it is that the kids were up far too early, I'm guessing your SIL got up with them rather than her DP. She quite rightly goes for a nap and tries to have a bit of time to herself with her new iPad. Everyone is overtired and the adults go a bit over the top with the wine and have a row.

Not great, but worthy of a ranty post on MN?!? I suspect similar happened in many houses on Christmas day.

My 3 year old spills drinks regularly, it's normal. You sound superior and horrid.

Gracious comeback OP. AIBU is good for venting and getting some perspective; certainly better than a full blown row sometimes.