To start a DSC thread here?

[NotaDisneyMum]

Probably, but I'm so pissed off I don't care.

DSS is here for Christmas this year - as per the court order, along with my DD.

After opening stockings, we suggested that the DCs call their 'other parent' to wish them merry Christmas.

DSS response? ^Oh no, Mum told me not to because she'll be sleeping - she was working last night. She'll ring when she wakes up later during Christmas dinner.

AIBU to think she could have tolerated disturbed sleep for one day so DS can speak to her on Christmas morning? He's 9, but ASD, so emotionally younger.

DP didn't know DSS mum was on nights, otherwise we wouldn't have suggested it.

I hope not, peanut, so far following the professional advice I have been given has proved it's worth in all ways.

Funnily enough, that advice included finding a safe place to vent when needed - hence my MN account

I'd go for full custody tbh. She's obviously one of those feckless, psychotic selfish Ex wives who is just waiting around for a proper woman to step in as a mother to her child

Reading only the op it's little wonder step mums are given grief.

Oh well, at least your nickname is well chosen.

i think it's very easy and comfortable to fall into a stance of "this is how i feel about X" and never revisit that decision to feel that way and check if it's still justified. i know with exes and children involved it is sometimes quite complicated but i do think sometimes people continue to make it more hostile/difficult than it needs to be. i am a mum, my children have a step-mum, i am embarrassed to say that my first reaction to hearing that their dad was getting married again wasn't nice. i didn't voice it of course but i didn't like it. why? i dont know. jealousy? yes, fear that she would be a better mum to my dcs than i was? yes, fear that my parenting would now be brought into question? yes (but this was mainly due to what i've read on here!) and i think their step mum initially didn't feel so great about me as the first few times we met it was very frosty, she even walked away and ignored me and dcs out in the street if we saw her without exp there. but independently of each other we both (i know i have anyway) made decisions just to see what happens before deciding how we felt about each other. turns out she's lovely (well why wouldn't she be?). i dont know her that well but after the first few awkward meetings all our interactions have been friendly. she's just a normal woman who clearly cares for my dcs. i can't find fault in that. we all have faults, i could sit and quizz my dcs over what she said and does she do this like mummy does it etc but it doesn't acheive anything except build a catalogue of negative feelings about her that i dont need to have. i have no doubt that in my life time there will be things she does that i dont agree with and we may have words but that doesn't make her a bad person, nor me. i've fallen out with best friend in the past but we accept their faults as they accept ours and move on from it. all relationships have ups and downs and whether you like to admit it or not, you do have a relationship with your stepchildren's mother even if it is just negative feelings. only you can manage how you feel about people. the negativity really truly benefits no-one. you will feel so much better about things if you could draw a line under how you've felt up to now and decide to base all future interactions on what they are, not what you think she's thinking or trying to do etc. go on, free yourself. negativity is so heavy. it really tires you out carrying it about all the time.

oops. paragraphs

Lazy bloody feckless mother

Working all night to support her child and then wanting to sleep so that when she DOES have her time with him she is not completely out of her mind with sleep deprivation.

And how awful that she should share this information with the child so that he knows when would be good to call...

FYI OP - as a parent with a child with an ASD if I told him to call me after a night shift he would question why I wasn't in bed?
After all when I work in the day I go to bed at night and when I work in the night I sleep in the day - he wouldn't call me at night so why the hell would he call me in the day when I should be asleep...

He's not 'emotionally younger' - he processes emotions in a completely different way to other people and as such his emotional literacy is affected.... sadly this means that his he LESS likely to be bothered by not calling his mum than other kids....
Unless ofcourse someone questions the clear plan that he has with mum of when to call...

Yabu.

It's very obvious no matter what your partners children's mother does it will always be wrong to you.

If she had have phoned she would have been intruding on your time or some other such nonsense.

It's quite possible that you are the cause of most of the issues you have with her due to your own behaviour and constant negativity, its not possible to feel so strongly and hide it completely.

All this stress and hostility is not healthy for anybody, it may be worth talking to a councillor and finding skills to break the cycle.

I don't know all the back story, but based on what you say, i do think yabu. I have an ex, and children go to his at certain times- I also work nights sometimes.

After 12 and a half hours at work throughout the night, there is no way on earth I could string together a coherent, meaningful, happy conversation with the people I care most about on the phone on a special occasion.. not after a night shift..

Fortunately, my ex has also worked nights - he recognises that, and we get on well. I would have absolutely crashed for 4 hours, got up, had a shower, got my head on straight, and then phoned them. I would have also told them I would phone after lunch.

My children wouldn't suddenly decide it was a good idea to phone their dad at 1am for a lovely chat - unless they really really needed to speak to him in an emergency- which would be fine.

her night-time, is your day - why not extend her the same courtesy?

pixie & pixwix You're both right - I should respect DSS mums right to sleep and any arrangements that she has made with DSS without confusing him and suggesting alternatives. As I said in my OP, I wouldn't have suggested that both DD and DSS make the calls if I'd known - I'd have taken DD to one side and made sure she called her Dad quietly on her own. That's probably what was actually pissing me off yesterday - DSS wouldn't have been placed in that situation if there had been prior communication between any of the adults. I've always left that to DP and his ex (after all, they are the parents) but that's obviously not working.

What would you recommend? As neither she or DP are prepared to make the first move, should I call her myself and ask about her shift pattern? What else do you think is important remains consistent between households? Up til now, she and I have not had any direct contact at all - other than an unfortunate incident when I was in the car when DP collected the DCs a year or so ago. I've always kept out of the way when she's turned up here unexpectedly, and I avoid places I'm likely to run into her.

How would I go about bypassing the hostility between DP and his ex for DSS sake and to ensure that I don't inadvertently undermine her ?

TBH, I think you should leave it to the parents. An arrangement had been made. Would you like dss's mum interfering with the arrangements you make for your dd? Step back, if we are talking court ordered contact then presumably things are difficult at the best of times. I think the main thing is to concentrate on dss feeling happy & safe when he is at yours & your his dad's house & leave it at that. Tbh, i don't think you need mention his mum unless he does.

Why do you need to know her shift patterns? You asked DSS if he wanted to phone his mum, he said no because she's asleep, he'll phone her later. Seems perfectly reasonable. You and your DP should have just responded with a smile and a positive comment to him about how that is a good idea and just carried on with your day. I don't understand why your DD and DSS had to phone at the same time, surely there will be times when that is not possible.

OP, you should be more concerned about your obsession with your partners ex than you are about whether your sc rings his mum etc.

Seriously, leave the woman AND her children alone and BUTT OUT of their lives.

I'm concerned that you are focusing so much on this non issue but only a fleeting mention that your dp didn't know where his dd was spending Christmas day? Why don't you have them both together?

cricket Long, complicated and court ordered - there are 6 years between the DCs and the court considered their needs regarding a relationship with their Dad should be met differently, and they should each have time independent of each other. DP often doesn't know when his DCs are in the care of others (or who they are being cared for by) due to their Mums work commitments - he had (wrongly) assumed that she would make arrangements to spend Christmas with DD not realising that wasn't the case. It's better for the DCs that their Mum makes those care arrangements for them - it just didn't work for anyone when all their contact with DP was linked to their Mums shift pattern - no-one knew who was where or when - hence the CO.

Yes, we DP did reply to DSS with a jolly nod, smile and tried to move on yesterday, but whether it is a personality trait or his SN, DSS finds that difficult to accept. The presents he had opened lay untouched for several hours afterwards. He has been supported through counselling previously; he dwells on things - raising an issue we thought was fleeting and unimportant several hours later as something he has been working though. While he does that, he withdraws from interaction with the family. We have learnt to respect that - he knows that we will leave him alone if he wants us to and is comfortable asking for that space - but leaving him openly distressed is not an option for DP either, and DSS withdrawal, particularly on Christmas Day, affects everyone which is why I was upset about it.

I'm not sure how I can get it right in the eyes of the MN jury though - if I leave things to DP and his ex, then there's always the risk I'll inadvertently undermine DSS Mum purely by accident, like yesterday, if they don't talk in advance. But, equally, it's not my place to deal with DSS mum directly, so I'm dependent on DP and his ex communicating. If its inevitable that I'll get it wrong I suppose the decision I have to make is which wrong is least likely to affect the DCs.

The only person you need to get it right for is your DD.

NADM you'll never get it right in the eyes of the MN jury. No SP ever has or ever will.

YABU for being a stepmum mentioning your DSC. Shame on you. How very dare you.

:) Only joking.

LOL - oh, I know - hence the title of the OP!

It does go to show that social expectations of SM are not only so high but vary so widely and are different to the expectations on others.
Some of the phrases used on this thread (such as reference to birth mother) cause huge offence when used by a SM, but are acceptable when used in disagreement with a SM, like in this case, for instance.

Thank goodness I'm not driven to meet these expectations - I find MN hugely valuable for venting and seeking other POV - which inevitably lead me to reflect and consider my own perspective - but I'm not going to change my mind just to try to keep anyone here on MN happy

NADM, it's not about the MN jury, I guess when you post on here you are going to get differing replies.

It does seem extreme that an innocent request of a phone call causes such a reaction, and it's upsetting that your dp and his ex cannot communicate if their son has such servere problems, do you know why the pair of them act so badly?

I'm afraid it doesn't sound a particularly nice or healthy situation for you or your main priority your dd. You cannot fix their immature attitudes or the way they treat this child, as much as you want.

Maybe time to put you and your dd first, I do feel for you, you sound as though your between a rock and a hard place, but something is seriously wrong here.

Being a stepmother is complicated. One thing I never do however is get involved in my DSSs' relationship with their mother. They have their own telephones and can call/text (and receive calls/texts) whenever they/she want...

I agree entirely dreams.

The differences between DP and his ex stem from widely different parenting styles and values - which I believe is true in most cases of high-conflict separations, isn't it?

They've been separated/divorced for over 4 years - DSS doesn't remember them living together as a family, but it doesn't seem to have got any easier.

I appreciate there is blame on both sides - IMO, if things are so difficult, I would (and have, in a similar situation) sought professional support for the DCs and mediation to help work things out.

Unfortunately, that is is one of the very things that they disagree strongly with each other about.

And in the meantime you and your daughter are caught in the crossfire. It sounds awful.

bonsoir presumably, in your case, the mobile phone approach has been agreed by one/both parents?