To be bloody fuming with SonIL's family over selfish xmas arrangements

[azarragye]

This could be long, sorry.

Basically this year it's DD1's husband's family's turn to host Christmas, we alternate between me doing it and SonIL's parents doing it, their turn this year. In previous years, it would be DD1 going to SonIL's with DGD, myself and DS, DD2 would go to her DP's that year and then she and DP would come to mine the year I hosted Christmas if that makes sense. DD2 and DP don't have any children, DD2 sadly found out earlier this year she can't have them due to a medical condition. DS is grown up but much younger than the DDs and single, so tends to spend Christmas with me and DD1, either at SonIL's parents or mine. Hope that makes sense so far!

DD2 and DP separated a few months ago very messily, exP became nasty once it was confirmed that DD2 couldn't have children and it ended badly. DD2 is suffering the effects of this, no official diognosis as I can't get her to the doctors but DD1, DS and I are worried about her, we're keeping an eye on it.

Since the separation, DD2 has been made legal guardian of a friend's daughter for various complicated reasons, she hasn't adopted her but this is the long-term aim, depending to a point on what happens in the next few months/year. I've been quite heavily involved with the little girl since DD2 is now effectively a single parent and she's a real sweetheart, fits in perfectly. DD2 was invited to SonIL's parents for Christmas as she obviously won't be going to exP's. DD1 asked her DP (SonIL) if her DD (friend's little girl, not official yet but going to be the easiest way to refer to her) could come too, he said that was fine.

Earlier in the month SonIL's father was taken ill with appendicitis and rushed to hospital, he's been back at home 5 days now and still recovering, it's a slow process due to his age but he's expected to make a full recovery. I offered to take over Christmas this year but SonIL's mother said no, she would be fine to do it at hers as long as we all helped out, which I was fine with as that's what happens anyway, if I end up doing more than usual at hers this year then that's fine, I don't mind at all.

So SonIL's mother has phoned today to say that she's thought about it, and actually she's happy to have the usual lot from my DD1's side of the family over and DD2, but not DD2's DD because she's 'not family.' I was absolutely furious, began explaining to her that actually she is, at which point she said she had to go and put the phone down on me So now wondering how on earth to play this one! Advice would be much appreciated.

How sad

Your Sil must feel terrible, his mother seems utterly horrid. How lovely for both your DD and her DD that they have each other, two people who need each other, someone to love and care for... that is something very special that a blood bond does not automatically provide.

We found out this evening that instead of DM and DF having 13 of us for christmas there will now be 18! DM's friend has just had emergency surgery and her DH, DS's, DDil and DGD need somewhere to go... there is always room!

Merry Christmas OP.

Ps. Here here Chipping!

There really is no reason to call the woman a bitch or a c**t.

The insomnia has hit so just to confirm a few things,sorry for drip feeding!
-the arrangement with alternate Christmases came about because 6 years ago when it started, 'family' Christmas at mine without the DDs would just be DS and me. So SonIL's parents invited DS and I to theirs, both families have always gotten on well (prior to this incident) so I offered to have them the next year and that's what we've done since, it's always worked out really well before now.

-SonIL's mother actually invited have DD2 for Christmas months ago, before I'd even thought ahead as far as Christmas. Admittedly this was before DD2 was guardian to her DD, but she did ask SonIL's mother and she said it was absolutely fine- she's gets on well with DD1 who is very close to DD2, so she does know the history with the bio family.

-meryl that's actually a really good point, thank you. We have theatre tickets booked for the evening for all of my family bar SonIL, DD1 and their DCs (too young to sit through it), the plan was for all of us to go into town for dinner beforehand. In previous years SonIL's mother has always done her Chirstmas Eve drinks thing in the morning, so when this was arranged, DD2 thought that we'd be able to go to SonIL's mother's in the morning, then a quiet afternoon and her DD's birthday celebration in the evening, so the whole thing was actually planned around doing both IYSWIM. Admittedly perhaps DD2 should have checked with SonIL's mother what time she was planning on doing her drinks thing, but given it's always been in the morning all the years we've known her (DD1 and SonIL have been together getting on for 10 years) she assumed it would be the same as usual. So I do accept that DD2 is partly to blame there, but in the past SonIL's mother has always been very relaxed about the whole drinks do, and when we first told her we wouldn't be able to come she seemed fine about it. Though that was before the fiasco over Christmas.

Anyway, what I was getting to is that I'll suggest to DD1 and SonIL at a more sensible hour that we cancel the meal beforehand and they go to his mother's instead, we can all go out for a meal together after Christmas. That way her son and grandchildren will be there but DD2's DD still gets her birthday treat.

There is really is no reason to call the woman a bitch or a ct

Unless she is a bitch or a CUNT.

And in this case it was perfectly justified.

Btw your username should be "poleupmybum"

hth

all of a sudden now shes quite the proper parent and cannot be apart from her new "daughter" for dinner?

She's 7 years old, my DD2 is her legal guardian, her bio mother was fully behind this decision and has no intention of having her back any time soon. I do appreciate that it's not a normal set up. But it's not as simple as DD2 'cannot be apart from her', she has nowhere else to go, we are her family. SonIL's mother was asked if she would mind having DD2's DD too a couple of months ago, I said at the time we could make other arrangements for my half of the family this year but she insisted it was fine, the same for after her husband was taken ill.

The situation with DD2 hasn't been made into a drama, it really hasn't. Yes she's been through a lot this year and yes she's struggling to cope with it a bit, but the fact remains she has a 7 year old she's responsible for and you can't leave a 7 year old alone at Christmas just because she's not a blood relative.

The MIL sounds like a bit of a control freak.
OP, you have been as accomodating as you can, even thinking about rescheduling DD2's DD's birthday treat to accomodate MIL's xmas drinks.
If that doesn't appease her then there is no hope. She will probably find herself alone with her DH every Xmas.

"You do not sound like an actual grown up. Why the hell are you involved in some year on year off thing with someone you are not even related to?"

quietlysuggests, you aren't exactly sounding like a grown up either. I am wondering if you have friends who you see regularly. You know, with not being "even related to." Some people see people because they want too and not just because they share blood!

You don't uninvite a child from Xmas. You don't exclude a child from a Xmas they have been looking forward to and insist they are fobbed off with any old person you can think of.

Anyone on this thread who can't see why this is not ok and a bloody awful cruel thing to do, should be excluded themselves, ideally on a rock in the North Sea, far away from nice rational people.

And here I was giving the MIL the benefit of the doubt on the assumption NOBODY can be that cruel....

Maybe MIL feels like she's been left out of DD2 DD birthday celebrations so she's doing the same back.

Might I add, that's completely ridiculous but just a thought.

I can't begin to fathom the MIL's reasons for excluding a 7 yr old but the fact that her own son doesn't agree either speaks volumes. As for the poster that said about a 7 yr old 'running around' I wonder what she thinks the invited 3 yr old will be doing. The 7 yr old would probably be offering to help with preparations (at least that is what my now 8 yr old was doing last Christmas).

OP I hope you and all your family (related and not) have a lovely Christmas.

Flojo, that thought crossed my mind too. But that reduces the MiLs mentality to that of a petulant 5 year old

Hells bells to the no. Don't rearrange your plans for her. Only way you have a chance of showing her how unreasonable and unacceptable she is being.

quietlysuggests are you MIL??

Cos that's the only way your post makes any sense to me

Right, well I've suggested to DD1 that she SonIL and the DGCs go to the drinks think tomorrow evening, but SonIL is adament he's not going round to MIL's until she apologises

She's also requested that her DGCs (DD1 and SonIL's DCs) are taken round to hers for Christmas day, because it's not fair that they miss out on being with their grandparents at Christmas, they can do Christmas with their mum and dad in the morning SonIL is sticking to his guns on that one, so a happy Christmas at ours but explosions before and after I think!

Lord she sounds like hard work, and has really not got the idea that really it's only the most freakish people who don't want to spend Christmas with their children - she thinks not only should your DD2 not spend Christmas with her foster daughter, and she now thinks it wouldn't be a sign of her son being a crap father that he'd be perfectly happy to drop his DCs off somewhere else on Christmas day and not spend the day with them.

I'd ignore and avoid spending time with her unless you ahve too. In the future, I'd rather have Christmas just you and your DS rather than deal with that sort of person.

I love your SIL - if only all men had that much backbone then life would be much much better for a lot of people!

I still can't believe she has been that vile about your DD2 :( What the hell did she hope to achieve? Stupid nasty bint.

Quietlysuggests - to answer some of your points:

Firstly, the OP's Christmas arrangements - these have worked well for a number of years up to this one, and have given all concerned the chance to have a family christmas with their loved ones, so I cannot understand why you are so scathing about them. Fwiw, for several years, my lovely MIL used to invite friends of hers who would otherwise be alone at christmas to hers for Christmas dinner - she could have come to us, and had Christmas with her dgc, but this was her choice, and I admired her for it - she was treating her friends as family, as the OP and her dd1's MIL were doing for eachother's family - and that is an admirable thing to do, and exactly the Spirit do Christmas.

Secondly, if the MIL felt she couldn't cope with Christmas and a convalescent husband, she could either have taken the OP up on the help she offered, or simply explained it was all going to be beyond her, and could she cry off from the arrangements this year. She didn't have to uninvite a 7 year old who has nowhere else to go.

Not to mention the fact that the OP's dd1 has children of a similar age, and her MIL clearly doesn't feel that they will be too much for her or her convalescent dh. The difference being that they are 'family' and the per little girl doesn't count as family - which is a nasty attitude. I know she is not the MIL's blood family, but she IS part of the family that the MiL has shared her Christmases with for the past 6 years, and therefore to uninvite her is despicable, and is what has led others on this thread to call her names. Nasty ones, I accept, but no nastier than her attitude towards a little girl whose life has not been plain sailing recently.

Sounds like you have an amazing sonIL OP. His DF must be a very decent human being to balance him out if his DM normally behaves like this.

On the religious thing, a few people seem to take strange ideas about 'blood family' from it. My MIL doesn't count our DC as 'real grandchildren' because they were conceived through IVF and she says that is against god's law and the PIL havent even acknowledged DC2's arrival 7 weeks ago. No doubt she would be shocked if anyone suggested this behaviour was less than christian.

It sound like your DD2 is giving a lovely home to a little girl who needs her, and no doubt would have done exactly the same if she had half a dozen of her own children.

It does sound like SonIL's mother is a complete nightmare, I really dont know what she thought would happen when she said this. I hope you have a lovely christmas with your family and that DD1 and your SIL dont feel to stuck in the middle on this.

Quietly your bedside manner is just so charming...