To be bloody fuming with SonIL's family over selfish xmas arrangements

[azarragye]

This could be long, sorry.

Basically this year it's DD1's husband's family's turn to host Christmas, we alternate between me doing it and SonIL's parents doing it, their turn this year. In previous years, it would be DD1 going to SonIL's with DGD, myself and DS, DD2 would go to her DP's that year and then she and DP would come to mine the year I hosted Christmas if that makes sense. DD2 and DP don't have any children, DD2 sadly found out earlier this year she can't have them due to a medical condition. DS is grown up but much younger than the DDs and single, so tends to spend Christmas with me and DD1, either at SonIL's parents or mine. Hope that makes sense so far!

DD2 and DP separated a few months ago very messily, exP became nasty once it was confirmed that DD2 couldn't have children and it ended badly. DD2 is suffering the effects of this, no official diognosis as I can't get her to the doctors but DD1, DS and I are worried about her, we're keeping an eye on it.

Since the separation, DD2 has been made legal guardian of a friend's daughter for various complicated reasons, she hasn't adopted her but this is the long-term aim, depending to a point on what happens in the next few months/year. I've been quite heavily involved with the little girl since DD2 is now effectively a single parent and she's a real sweetheart, fits in perfectly. DD2 was invited to SonIL's parents for Christmas as she obviously won't be going to exP's. DD1 asked her DP (SonIL) if her DD (friend's little girl, not official yet but going to be the easiest way to refer to her) could come too, he said that was fine.

Earlier in the month SonIL's father was taken ill with appendicitis and rushed to hospital, he's been back at home 5 days now and still recovering, it's a slow process due to his age but he's expected to make a full recovery. I offered to take over Christmas this year but SonIL's mother said no, she would be fine to do it at hers as long as we all helped out, which I was fine with as that's what happens anyway, if I end up doing more than usual at hers this year then that's fine, I don't mind at all.

So SonIL's mother has phoned today to say that she's thought about it, and actually she's happy to have the usual lot from my DD1's side of the family over and DD2, but not DD2's DD because she's 'not family.' I was absolutely furious, began explaining to her that actually she is, at which point she said she had to go and put the phone down on me So now wondering how on earth to play this one! Advice would be much appreciated.

people confuse me they really do - her own views are more important to her than the fact that she can spend Christmas with her son and his family - she had a perfectly reasonable excuse not to have everyone around for xmas - you would all have understood the situation if for one year she only had her son and your DD1 as her husband is recovering from op - but no - she chose to make her true feelings totally clear and at such short notice that she would alienate everyone in the family. I wonder what HER story will be when she has to explain to people she knows about why she didn't get to spend xmas with her family - I'm sure she'll become a victim in all of this - it's a shame that she couldn't just keep her opinions to herself.

In my family, the adopted siblings outnumber the bio siblings by 5:3. She'd just hate us - PM me her address and we'll appear at her door Christmas morning

I am spending Christmas with both ILs and my family. One of my family is a four-year-old foster child (DN). A delightful little boy who will be with my family long term and we treat him like he is one of our own (because in every way that counts, he is).

OP's awful IL would hate it. Not only does my DN have a visible disability, but also a different skin colour. The idea that either my DM or MIL wouldn't welcome him at Christmas is rightly ridiculous. He is family, plain and simple.

Ohhh CSIJanner you might as well

Tidydancer well done to your family for being so kind and welcoming, an example to us all. Incidently DD2's DD is actually of an obsure ethnic origin, but I don't think that's a factor because my family are too and she's never had a problem with any of us before... does make me wonder though

Well done to your DD1 and her Dh for standing by you, his mother is being a right old witch about the little one.
Enjoy your Christmas

Just read this thread and I am absolutely gobsmacked at the MIL's attitude - so much for 'A Merry Christmas One and All'

I feel so saddened for your SIL having a mother like that. I genuinely hope you all have a brilliant Christmas and your support for your DD2 shown over this helps her in her difficulties that she's having right now.

Suggest someone gives MIL a copy of A Christmas Carol........

Also I never realised the prejudiced that people have towards fostered/adopted children. Haven't those children been through enough in their lives without this attitude? I really cannot understand the reasoning behind this attitude - not blood ffs??????

DD2's DD is a lucky girl to have you in her corner. You sound like a lovely gran OP. wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas!

Another update:

SonIL has spoken to his mother to try and make peace- don't hold out much hope there! She feels that she only wants immediate family around her DH while he's recovering- apparently DD2 whom she hardly sees counts as close family but her DD does not- back to the whole can't have a child of her own thing . She also doesn't see why mine, DS's and DD1's world centres around DD2- it doesn't, but being as she's having a difficult time at the moment and isn't coping as well as she would like us to think, yes, we are worried! She's also said if we're not coming on the 25th then we should at least come on Christmas Eve, bearing in mind we've already declined on the grounds of it being DD2's DD's birthday SO sonIL has given up for tonight, told her he won't be attending and is going to give her chance to cool off before he tries anything else

What a horrible excuse for a human being. You're better off well shot of her. Good on your SIL for sticking up for you!

So her life rotates around her family but yours shouldn't around yours......right.......

Thank you.

We have a history of foster placements in our family, but DN is our first very long term potentially permanent addition! There really is no difference in how he is treated when you compare him to my DCs and others in the family, which is personally how I believe it should be.

I am also shocked at the number of people who think it's ok to treat an adopted/foster child as some kind of poor relation. It is particularly staggering that people can't extend some normal human politeness and generosity to a child at Christmas. My family have their faults but they would never do this.

Just to add to the "not family" thing.

My DH's grandma will be on her own this Xmas, as she cancelled her previous arrangements as she is not very well. She is 84 and we really want her to come to us but she won't, she is adamant she will be happy on her own and tbf she probably will. But we have now had to rearrange some stuff in order to go and see her (she was going away so we were seeing her afterwards) on the day. I was explaining to my parents about her change of plan and they spoke at the same time. Mum said "You'd better bring another chair then!" and Dad said "13 for dinner? Someone is having theirs on a tray!"

They opened their home to her without even thinking about it. They have never met her, but it didnt cross their minds to do anything else. She is their daughters husbands grandma, so they could have easily said "oh what a shame" and left it at that, but they didnt.

She is very touched by their invitation and said that she would like to go to see them after Xmas, but is still insisting on staying at home.

Fuck me I am aghast at this vile vile vile woman's behaviour! I am so so

What a fucking stupid cunt she is. I mean really, she must be fucking stupid to be so nasty. What a bitch!

I'm so glad your son in law can see she is out of order and backing you up - he must be so embarrassed.

I hope she sees this thread and feels ashamed - the cunt.

I am shocked too snazzy

It shows there are a lot of nasty fucking cunts out there :(

What an absolute bitch. I hope she's a MN and reads this.
What a vile vile vile human being.

OP fuck them. Do your Christmas. Leave them to it. Cunts.
And I never say that. Ever.

Bogey your DParents sound lovely - THAT is what Christmas is about.

And she considers herself to be religious? I don't often speak about my faith on MN but this is the children's festival. Which celebrates the birth of Christ. And she's closing her door to a child - well, I'll leave you to draw the parable.

On another note though op, you seem to have brought up a cracking family. And you'll have an amazing Christmas together.

This woman is controlling, vicious and unpleasant. She deserves to have a quiet day and the knowledge that it is quiet because you have all chosen to go elsewhere.

Looking on the bright side though OP, what a lovely family you have that DD1 and SIL will stand with you to support DD2 and her DD.

I would like to quietly suggest that someone buggers off and grows up and it's not the OP.

Aza - you and your family all sound lovely. Your SIL's mother sounds controlling and nasty. What horrible things to say about your DD :( I am so pleased that DD1 & SIL are coming to you as well - I like him very much! I hope you all have a lovely, lovely day.

It is a shame when you have all been getting along so well, for so long, but sometimes people's nasty sides take a while to emerge. I feel for your SIL :( It must be very upsetting and embarrassing for him.

ChippingIn, well said.

She's being horrid/inflexible about your DD2s daughter and it's great that your DD1 and her DH recognise that you all need to be together this Xmas.

Or maybe she just feels that she can't cope with the whole thing given her husbands frail health, and she's used this as an excuse. (trying to be uber spirit of christmassy and give her the benefit of the doubt)

But it is a big pity that you've made plans that clash with her drinks do. Can you not adjust it a little so you can do both something with the birthday girl and so that you can whizz by on Christmas Eve? It puts your Son IL in a position where he won't see his parents at Christmas, which must be sad for both of them.

As you usually spend Xmas together you must generally get on?

quietly if you've got a problem with the language, why not take it up with the posters who used it, rather than the OP? OP hasn't called the woman in question any nasty names herself, by the way.