To be bloody fuming with SonIL's family over selfish xmas arrangements

[azarragye]

This could be long, sorry.

Basically this year it's DD1's husband's family's turn to host Christmas, we alternate between me doing it and SonIL's parents doing it, their turn this year. In previous years, it would be DD1 going to SonIL's with DGD, myself and DS, DD2 would go to her DP's that year and then she and DP would come to mine the year I hosted Christmas if that makes sense. DD2 and DP don't have any children, DD2 sadly found out earlier this year she can't have them due to a medical condition. DS is grown up but much younger than the DDs and single, so tends to spend Christmas with me and DD1, either at SonIL's parents or mine. Hope that makes sense so far!

DD2 and DP separated a few months ago very messily, exP became nasty once it was confirmed that DD2 couldn't have children and it ended badly. DD2 is suffering the effects of this, no official diognosis as I can't get her to the doctors but DD1, DS and I are worried about her, we're keeping an eye on it.

Since the separation, DD2 has been made legal guardian of a friend's daughter for various complicated reasons, she hasn't adopted her but this is the long-term aim, depending to a point on what happens in the next few months/year. I've been quite heavily involved with the little girl since DD2 is now effectively a single parent and she's a real sweetheart, fits in perfectly. DD2 was invited to SonIL's parents for Christmas as she obviously won't be going to exP's. DD1 asked her DP (SonIL) if her DD (friend's little girl, not official yet but going to be the easiest way to refer to her) could come too, he said that was fine.

Earlier in the month SonIL's father was taken ill with appendicitis and rushed to hospital, he's been back at home 5 days now and still recovering, it's a slow process due to his age but he's expected to make a full recovery. I offered to take over Christmas this year but SonIL's mother said no, she would be fine to do it at hers as long as we all helped out, which I was fine with as that's what happens anyway, if I end up doing more than usual at hers this year then that's fine, I don't mind at all.

So SonIL's mother has phoned today to say that she's thought about it, and actually she's happy to have the usual lot from my DD1's side of the family over and DD2, but not DD2's DD because she's 'not family.' I was absolutely furious, began explaining to her that actually she is, at which point she said she had to go and put the phone down on me So now wondering how on earth to play this one! Advice would be much appreciated.

She sounds like quite a piece of work.

IME this prejudice against adopted children is more common than we'd like to think . But that's no excuse.

azarragye 'Struggling to know how to handle her now tbh '

Just don't handle her at all. She is a problem to be sure, but she isn't actually your problem.

How prejudice to exclude a child due to he or she not being a blood relation!!!
Imo i would part ways with them, i had to part ways with my mil for treated my dd differently than me & dhs dc together!

Lambzig - your PIL don't acknowledge their dgd because they weren't conceived by a good old fashioned rogering?!?

Tbh I think my parents would prefer it if dd and bump had been conceived by IVF. As they are now completely unable to pretend that their little girl has had sex!

(Luckily they don't know the exact details - we were trying but by our calculations dd was conceived during a "just for fun" time. In a jacuzzi.

Has never had sex! Ahem.

Morloth - it's not that easy when your DD is stuck in the middle though is it :(

Aza - I wonder if your SIL will ask her to refund you your money? It seems like he would if he thought of it.

Yes it is. You can still support your DD, you can still be polite when absolutely necessary.

But I would no longer be seeking out this person, distant politeness when you have to see her and no more.

Just don't get into it with her.

She can sit there and stare at her giant turkey and stew.

Serves her right.

If SonIL asks her to refund the money I'm all for accepting it

DD2 is aware of the comments MIL is now making concerning her, something I am worried about given she's a bit all over the place at the moment, there are issues there which I haven't gone into on this thread. It just doesn't make any sense to me that she's suddenly turned on DD2 this evening

I'm ignoring her, but SonIL is still trying to reason with her.

What a nasty piece of work. Sounds like you have a wonderful family who are rallying around though. Your Xmas day should be lovely!

It seems that the issue may be she thinks DD2 is a 'precocious stuck up brat' and the whole excluding her DD thing may have been a ploy to get at her.

So she's using an innocent child to get at a woman who is already having a tough time, yet is obviously a much loved and decent person.

I would not be sharing airspace with anyone who spoke about my DD like that, let alone worrying about 'how to handle her'.

I think you're making a bloody good job of dealing with the situation so far & your DD1 clearly has excellent taste in men!

Such a sad escalation of events OP but you sound fantastic so I'm not surprised that your family would all rather come to yours!

I hope that you enjoy your Christmas - and the special birthday - and things blow over with the ILs

My god! I've just popped back to see if there were updates (last here on pg 3) and I'm actually gobsmacked at the manipulativeness and ruthlessness of the woman. What on earth does she hope to achieve?

Thank god she's just an IL and you need never see her again. Agree re money, in fairness no doubt it is all spent.

I doubt it's over though OP but please enjoy your christmas! Thank god those important to you see straight through the MIL.

I can't believe she is using a child to get at your DD2! So wrong.

Perhaps you should offer to swap a chicken for 2 for the huge turkey?

Your SIL sounds like a star.

Try to soften the blow for your SonIL and DD1 as much as possible. Be as easy going and loving as you can and don't say a word about how awful she is being to them.

They know, and try to stop DD2 hearing about as much of it as possible. Nothing to be gained by letting this woman get to her.

People who play games deserve whatever they get and what she is going to get is a very lonely Christmas (and a lot of turkey).

Hi OP, this sounds like a horrible situation that the MIL has created.

It's such a shame esp at this time of year.

Is there any chance that you could just invite them, MIL and FIL, over on Xmas day to yours instead?

I'm sure that sounds completely mad, but it would be such a shame for you all, and ESP you SIL, who I'm in love with by the way for being such a good man, if the MIL still manages to ruin it for you. You sound lovely, and I'm sure you'll find yourself thinking about her and wondering if they're ok?

The MIL sounds like a mad stressy so and so, but her DH will end up missing out on seeing his son and grandchildren.

I know she hasn't done anything to deserve this, but just imagine how much fun you could have watching her squirm knowing that you showed her who the grown up is.

Also, you already have plans for Christmas Eve, so I don't think you should have to change those. It's an important event, ESP if DD2's DD is having her first birthday with you all and not her birth mother. Going out for a meal and a show sounds like such a lot of fun and at 7 I'm sure would become a fond memory for her.

Please don't think I'm siding with the MIL. I think she's a sad lady. You and your family, including your SIL and DD2's DD, sound like lovely warm kind hearted caring people. Whatever you decide, don't let mrs Scrooge ruin your day by making you feel like you have wronged her. She sounds like a drama queen having a massive strop.

Hope you have a lovely lovely Christmas at yours and that your DD2 is feeling a bit more like her usual self soon.

Take care.
Xxx

I don't think inviting this horrible old bat over is a good thing to do: she's tantrumming and performing already so if she's invited over she'll spend the day making digs at the DD2 and the little girl so everyone else will have their Xmas spoilt.

I must admit I have found this thread a bit distressing - sorry, don't want to hijack - but are there really that many people who are so horrible about adoption? I was adopted as a baby and I remember some bigotry and bullshit in my childhood but that was decades ago, is it still happening?

I wouldn't invite her, but if she asked it would be very fucking satisfying to say 'of course, all are welcome at Christmas'.

She sounds like a horrible cow. I feel sorry for this poor little girl. YANBU. She is BVU.

Solid gold, I hadn't thought of her having digs at DD2 and her DD. I was hoping she'd just come along and sit quietly realising the error of her ways. For what it's worth, I'm also horrified at the way she has found t so easy to exclude a young child. I think there are people who can be very black and white about 'mine' and 'not mine', but I'm sure that must be only a few people of a certain age.

I think that's what I meant Morloth, but what if she did keep on picking on them all.

I hadn't thought of that. Sorry OP, for my naive suggestion.

Then you ask her to leave. I don't 'put up' with people in my house.

Merry Christmas Aza - you truly embody the Christmas Spirit in my books.

Your family is blessed and lucky to have you.

Oh and obviously I'm in love with your SonIL too.

So MIL you only acknowledge grandchildren that were convinced with some good old fashioned headboard-banging-hair-pulling-wild-monkey-sex that your boy and I do?

I must admit I have found this thread a bit distressing - sorry, don't want to hijack - but are there really that many people who are so horrible about adoption? I was adopted as a baby and I remember some bigotry and bullshit in my childhood but that was decades ago, is it still happening?

Not among civilised people.