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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is not fair to my parents - Xmas present

81 replies

crossatbro · 21/12/2012 22:51

My parents are in their 80s, DF in particular is not well and recovering from a cancer operation. My brother lives in US with his family. This year 9 members of the UK family side have received the equivalent of a Kitkat each as Christmas presents - chocolate + postage has come to £12 in total for 9 people. For 9 people. My husband and I have eaten our 2 fingers each of KitKat already.

We have asked what he is sending for my parents, still time to order something from Amazon or M&S.

Today he has emailed to say that he is sponsoring Christmas lunch for a 'family in need' and has asked me to print out a certificate for my elderly parents to open on Christmas Day. This certificate will inform them that they are buying lunch for a needy family.

I cannot do this, it will be like kicking kittens. They have had no warning of this and have sent beautiful, thoughtful presents. I went to see them today. They are OLD.

I have been waiting to sort the wording out to email back. Sad

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/12/2012 22:56

Tell your brother he can phone them and tell them what their present is himself.

andapartridgeinaRowantree · 21/12/2012 22:56

I would put it exactly as you just have. He's your brother. Tell him you know they have got him something special and they deserve something special.

Like a visit!

GreenShadow · 21/12/2012 23:01

Many elderly people really do not need anything new. They may be genuinely happy with a charity gift. My brother often suggests one for himself.

Original poster
crossatbro · 21/12/2012 23:02

I will tell him that I am not doing it. I'm going to wait until the morning and write a calm email.

I will also ask what his wife's mother and family is getting. Are they all getting KitKats and sponsoring a needy family? I would rather he just said that they weren't doing presents for adults this year. They could take that but not the added, 'We're not getting you anything but we're looking after random local family - oh, and by the way, here is a photo of said random family enjoying their lunch'.

How NOT to assist a swift recuperation.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 21/12/2012 23:04

If you're that unhappy about it I'd tell your brother to tell them himself and personally I'd tell him that you only want to send cards in future and not bother with a gift and would he please do the same .

SantasENormaSnob · 21/12/2012 23:05

Yanbu

I would have to ring and tell him he's a tight bastard.

Charity gifts are lovely if you're requesting them for yourself in lieu of a present.

I think it's pretty shit to decide that someone else's present will be for charity instead.

Original poster
crossatbro · 21/12/2012 23:05

GreenShadow. He has NEVER done this before and this is the wrong year to start. Forewarning might have been a good idea but not the certificate on Xmas morning.

OP posts:
Festivelyfedup · 21/12/2012 23:05

Cold you get something thoughtful to give your parents on your brother's behalf? He sounds like a bit of a do-gooder to be honest. Shame he's forgotten about those who he really needs to care for. It's not the gift but the thought that counts.

threesocksfullofchocs · 21/12/2012 23:06

wow
I would let him explain
but then I hate this "I will make you pay for this" crap presents

ll31 · 21/12/2012 23:06

Maybe your parents will like idea. . Christmas is about Charity.

InExitCelsisDeo · 21/12/2012 23:07

My brother has lived abroad for the past 30 years and has never once sent a Christmas or birthday present to me, my faimly or his parents.

And we have never thouught that was strange.

SantasENormaSnob · 21/12/2012 23:07

If he was that bothered he could have asked for his own gift to be a charity one.

ZZZenAgain · 21/12/2012 23:08

Well he can sponsor a needy family but what is wrong with a thoughtful an d even generous gift for your own elderly parents? HAs he become all reli gious?

Floralnomad · 21/12/2012 23:09

I don't think you should mention the wife's family as that makes you sound a bit grabby. I definitely wouldn't give your parents something and pretend its from your brother ,that's a terrible idea.

Original poster
crossatbro · 21/12/2012 23:12

I agree, I don't know why he can't do both - charity lunch and something for DParents.

OP posts:
KissysUnderTheMisteltoe · 21/12/2012 23:18

Think you should definitely say it to hi as you have written in your post, he is your brother after all, and as he lives in the US you don't have to see him if he gets all upset about it! Why would he send 9 kit Kats as a present for 12 people? Random and weird Shock

KissysUnderTheMisteltoe · 21/12/2012 23:19

Him not hi!

MovingOnNow · 21/12/2012 23:19

Sometimes you have to be the bigger person. Buy them something lovely. Tell them he sent you the money and asked you to. Yes it's bloody annoying but see their faces and let it go. Tell him what you did just in case it Akers him realise he's a twerp. Though to be fair, they might like his gesture too.

Original poster
crossatbro · 21/12/2012 23:21

I wish I'd taken a photo of them today just to give him an idea of how old and frail they are.

OP posts:
oldpeculiar · 21/12/2012 23:24

Your parents might be happy with that?

Original poster
crossatbro · 21/12/2012 23:24

Not pulling emotional blackmail with the photo but they've changed so much in the last year. They might have liked the gesture if they'd had time to digest the idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossatbro · 21/12/2012 23:27

He's never acknowledged my baby grandchild, sent a card to his niece, sent anything. I shouldn't really be surprised.

OP posts:
Scuttlebutter · 21/12/2012 23:29

You are both adults, and you are not responsible for his gifts to your parents. I would decline to print out the certificate - that's perfectly reasonable, but beyond that I would not get involved. This is between him and your parents and is not your business.

Original poster
crossatbro · 21/12/2012 23:35

Scuttlebutter, that's what I'm beginning to realise. I am feeling their pain and they might not feel it. It is my business in a way though, I don't want them to be upset. If he'd done that to me I would have laughed. We've all laughed heartily at the Kitkats.

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 21/12/2012 23:42

Has your brother suddenly got money worries and hasn't shared?

would he tell you if his life had got difficult?